adventures in awkward

Over the weekend I was accosted by a surly unibrowed woman in Target over a Tickle Me Elmo.  It was like being transported back to the time when Backstreet Boys ruled the airwaves and having big hair was actually fashionable rather than just being a surefire way to pick out the Carol of the group. (You know Carol. She’s the annoying one everyone invites to be nice, but no one really likes her.) Poor Carol. Poor poor Carol.

There I was mid sentence, explaining to my 11-year-old niece how Elmo drove people batshit crazy in the 90s, and this woman walks up. She was mad that I clicked the ‘try it now’ button which sent Elmo into a roaring laughter. (Which, I have to say, is really goddamn obnoxious to be honest. He sounds like a monkey getting his rectum finger popped. Not that I’ve ever heard that – just assuming.) She pointed her finger in my face and told me that I was the sole reason her migraine was getting worse, and that I was too old to be playing with toys and being loud in public…… What?

This woman left her house on a Saturday, went to one of the busiest stores in town to walk her grumpy ass through the kid’s section full of toys…  all while she apparently had an excruciating migraine. Yet it’s my fault her migraine is getting worse.  Do people not have common sense anymore? Has fast food caused people brains to shrivel up to the size of a raisin? What is going on in this world?

PS – I’m 100% the Carol of my group. Don’t feel bad, fellow weirdos and awkward folk. You’re in good company.

 

rambles

Ever see something so disturbing you wish you could rip your eyes out and trade them in for a new set? Or, at the very least, have the option of inviting over the Men in Black and having them zap away some unpleasant memories? Wouldn’t that be nice? Damn. I read a news article yesterday that reminded me of something last year that haunted me on a daily basis. Prepared to be disturbed. Or offended. Either is okay…. we’re all friends here.

Men-in-Black

Last summer, I took my 6-year-old niece to the birthday party of one of her classmates. Now, I don’t have any kids and always feel awkward in these situations, so I like to pretend I’m busy on my phone besting my Angry Birds score or something. (It sucks being socially awkward, you know?) Then, another classmate at the party came up to me to talk about the game while she was eating some birthday cake.

Girl: Oh, I’m way past that score! Here… I can show you how to play it right.

Girl’s Mom (to me): Oh, you don’t have to let her use your phone. She just can’t put the electronics down!

Me: Oh, that’s okay. I’m impressed at her game skills.

Girl: I’m thirsty mom, can I have milk?

Girl’s Mom: Sure, come sit here. *Takes her boob out to breastfeed*

*6-year-old girl runs over to suck her mom’s boob while she’s wrecking my Angry Birds score. Phone is officially declared to be in a hostage situation at this point.*

I was…. mortified.

Now… let me just say this – I fully support the movement for normalizing breastfeeding. I think people make a big deal out of it when it shouldn’t be. But… I can’t help but be disturbed by this. The situation legitimately made me feel sick to my stomach. This girl is in 1st grade and eating normal food like cake. The only thing I could manage to do was ask for my phone back and use the bathroom excuse. GOTTA GO, CAN’T WAIT!

How would you have reacted to this situation? Are you disturbed? Weirded out? Slightly nauseous? Or do you think this is 100% normal and okay?

What is going on? This is why I try to stay home as often as possible.

tuesday trivia

On Tuesdays, I always like to share a random trivia fact. It’s usually something freakishly weird like stories of strangers licking each other, or Disney’s obsession with pussy. (Yes, I love puns. So what?) This time… I’m sharing facts about myself. I’m freakishly weird… so it counts, right? You better say yes, damn it!  I get multiple emails every week asking me things about myself or my blog, so I thought it would be fun for me to share some stuff here so you may get a better idea of who I am. I hope y’all will share something with me, too. That’s how friendship works, you know. 

ilikebeingweird

If you thought I was weird already – it’s only going to get worse from here.

10 freakishly weird facts about a freakishly weird person (me!) :

1. There are multiple shows that are geared towards teens that I still watch. It’s pretty embarrassing at the age of 29 but I can’t help myself. Pretty Little Liars. Dance Moms. The list goes on. (Hey… don’t judge me)

2. I make up dances all the time for random things. I have a made up dance for pizza. A dance for dessert. A dance for my in-laws dog. (Which he loves. He thinks I’m playing so he gets excited and bolts around.) One I do for my cats. I even made up a dance that I make my cats do. Those poor things.

3. I would rather watch the same reruns of the same shows over and over rather than watch something new. I like knowing what to expect rather than risk watching something new and hating it. I’ve seen the same Big Bang Theory, Modern Family, and The Middle episodes dozens of times. (There are many more shows, but I’ll spare you from the list)

4. I absolutely detest social media. I think most people here know that already, but I wanted to add it in.

5. I like spending more time with kids than adults. I often consider going back to school to become a preschool teacher or becoming certified to open a day care. (Would you trust me with your kids? Hahahaha)

6. I grew up in a staunch Republican house with parents that were obsessed with politics and unwilling to hear other perspectives. Now I avoid politics like the plague.

7. I spend hours a day reading other people’s blogs because I love finding connections and meeting new people. I don’t make friends easily in person. I think I come off a little crazy.

8. I’m absolutely petrified of waves and undertow. I grew up going to the Caribbean every year and never had an issue until I was about 20. Even though I live in NC and often go to the beach in the summer, I haven’t gone into the ocean any further than my ankles in years.weirdlyawesome

9. Here’s a deeply personal one that I didn’t think I’d ever share. I had a lot of mental issues when I was young, and was diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder. It took many years for me to get out of that darkness. It wasn’t easy. I think it’s the main reason I focus on humor instead of anything serious when I write. I like keeping things light-hearted after suffering for so long.

10. I collect magnets from different countries and have over 100 of them. No, I didn’t go to all of these places, but my parents did. Every time they go on a trip, I’m gifted with a handful of magnets. It started off as a joke… but it stuck. Pretty nerdy, right?

 

Do you have a freakishly weird fact to share or a question to ask? We’re all friends here. You can email me them if you’d rather share them in private @    theshamefulsheep@gmail.com

rambles, tuesday trivia

Over Christmas, I stood in the middle of a dirty and crowded Wal-Mart aisle for twenty minutes considering whether or not to buy a toy moped that matched the cat-like Monster High dolls my 9-year-old niece has. I mean, this thing was pretty damn awesome – you could decorate it with stickers, the black ‘paint’ was super shiny with zebra stripes, and I knew her dolls would look really awesome zooming around on it in their cute dresses and their perfectly high-lighted hair flying behind them. She’d love it. No doubt. I knew this would make her Christmas. Until Alex pointed out that it wasn’t what she asked for.

monsterhighscooter

I honestly felt a little bit disappointed. I looked forward to her opening it, then asking me to play with her. Then, I realized there’s a 98% chance I’m teetering on the brink of insanity because I thought it was so cool I considered buying the damn dolls and their matching moped for myself.  Nobody would know, right? Alex wouldn’t tell my secret. A 29-year-old married woman starting her own Monster High collection… that’s not too weird or anything. (Except…it is 100% weird as hell and someone should have busted into that Wal-Mart and bitch slapped me across  the face two times. Once for thinking of buying it. Twice for going into Wal-Mart in the first place.)

The truth is – I don’t think I’ll ever grow up. I still zip my high-heel boots up over my hidden Batman socks. I prefer seeing an animated family movie over any other genre.  Feeding the ducks and making a stuffed animal at Build-A-Bear seems like a great afternoon. A game of Clue and hot chocolate tops off the perfect night. I don’t know how I ended up so weird.

Which leads me to a… Fun Fact: People with awkward and weird personalities tend to make the best friends. 

So… anyone want to come play a rousing game of Clue with me while Finding Nemo plays in the background? Bonus – I even have some peppermint hot chocolate leftover from Christmas to share.