adventures in awkward, guest posts

 

 

Sometimes it’s completely justifiable to drink wine straight from the bottle and spend the day on the couch hiding under a pile of cats. Maybe even necessary. Doctors really should prescribe things like that. Of course, issues might arise if you don’t have a cat, but you could always just borrow your neighbor’s. Forget what the Bible said – get over there and covet your neighbor’s pussy. Guaranteed to make everyone involved feel better. 

This weekend has been dubbed sit-on-your-ass-and-do-nothing in my house. I feel like I deserve it after having such a stressful vacation. You know, a vacation from my vacation. It makes sense in my mind at least. So, instead of writing my own post, I’m going to share a guest post from a kickass blogger here – Becca Barracuda. She cracks me up. Plus, she shares an extreme love for cats and Harry Potter. She’s my spirit animal. Check her out here : The Married Cat Lady

My boyfriend and I had only been dating for about a month (if that) when we went to Panera Bread one morning after a night of drinking. (He has weird eating habits.) I had spent the night at his house, so I was wearing last night’s makeup and clothing, and I had a massive zit on my chin. And I mean massive. One of the women at work had asked me, “What happened to your face? Did you fall?”

“No, my face just hates me,” I told her, because of course, I couldn’t just leave the fucker alone. I had to mess with it. I had angered the beast.

My boyfriend and I were sitting at a small table, eating our bread bowls and minding our own business when an elderly man walked up to our table. He was at least 80 years old and came hobbling over with a cane and one of those newspaper boy hats on.

He was standing over us and said to Boyfriend, “Oh my! Are you the lucky man with this woman?”

I looked around to see what woman he was talking about. There was no way it could be me, not right now.

It had to be me, though, because there wasn’t really anyone else around (probably because most people don’t go to Panera for breakfast), and this man was hovering at our table, looking right at me.

I laughed. Boyfriend chuckled nervously.

“Stevie Wonder could see she’s a knock-out!” the elderly man continued, gesturing to me.

“Aw, that’s so nice. Thank you, sir,” I said both flattered and uncomfortable. I could feel my cheeks heating up.

“You know you’re a lucky man,” he said to Boyfriend in a slightly creepy, grandfatherly way.

“Yes sir. I do,” Boyfriend said, nodding.

Our new elderly friend turned back to me, “Are you from Tennessee?” he asked.

“What?” I looked at Boyfriend. He looked over at me and raised his eyebrows. “No…” I chuckled to cover my discomfort.

“Oh, well I thought you might be because you’re the only Ten-I-see!” He started laughing, a solid belly-laugh. Boyfriend and I chuckled along.

“Ha, ha, that’s funny! Thank you.” I then took a bite of my soup, hoping he’d notice that I wanted him to leave. (I do this often. You’d be surprised how many people don’t get this social cue. If I go back to doing whatever I was doing before you started talking to me, I am no longer interested in the conversation.)

He lingered for another couple of seconds. “Take care of her now,” he told Boyfriend.

“Yes, I will, thanks,” Boyfriend said.

“She’s a catch,” the elderly man said, nodding and looking at me.“She is,” Boyfriend smiled and looked over at me. I was pleading with my eyes, “Please make this stop.”

“You’re a beautiful woman,” he said, pointing at me.

“Thank you!” I smiled and waved as he hobbled away. “Oh my God!” I said to Boyfriend as he practically spit out his soup laughing. “That is possibly one of the most awkward encounters I’ve ever had! Look at me!” I gestured to my old makeup and wrinkled clothes.

“You’re a catch,” Boyfriend said, and then he winked.

When I got back home to my parents’ house, I immediately told my mom about it. Her response?

“And you looked like that?”

Clearly only the elderly Panera man understands true beauty.

 

 

adventures in awkward

 

There is no better way to start off the summer than being trapped in the same house as your entire family for a week. Well, as long as you’re willing to have zero alone time, be bombarded by whiny kids, and have your mother nag you from the moment you take your first sip of coffee until you finally decide to sneak off to bed at 8 pm to find solace from some boring TV show. Learn from me, friends… don’t share a big house with a bunch of adult family members and little kids. The insanity is enough to make you want to rip your hair out and weave them into intricate dolls just to watch them burst into flames when you try to saute them on the stove. It’s maddening.

For the most part… we had a good time at the beach. (Even though I got so burned the first day out I had to spend the next three days in hiding.) Since I have a sun allergy, my entire body ended up covered in red bumpy scales and I was doomed to look like an albino cobra the rest of the trip. It was unsightly. Seriously.  I’m thankful to have a husband that is never embarrassed to be seen with me. Because, wow… it was disturbing. My face looked like it was half blistered and melting off. I can only imagine how many kids I’ve scarred for life.

Anyways, I’m happy to finally be back. Ready to start catching up and reading everyone’s blogs.

Happy 4th of July to my fellow Americans. Hope you all still have your arms and didn’t blow them up from a fireworks mishap.

Also, I have another trip in August coming up where we will be sharing a house with Alex’s entire family this time. I’m going to need everyone to form a prayer circle for me. Please keep me in your thoughts. I will need all the strength and support I can get.

(Am I the only one that finds a sick satisfaction in peeling off the skin after a sunburn? I’m like a snake molting. Ah…)

 

adventures in awkward

Random-As-Shit Wednesday Thoughts

I like to think I know you guys pretty well, so I’m pretty sure you are all plagued with worry as you fight sleepless nights, eat your feelings, and clutch your kids close while they cry into your shoulder and rub globs of snot onto your prized, limited edition Harry Potter t shirt. But I am here to comfort you with an official report: our cars haven’t been vandalized since my last post. (You thought I was talking about Trump or something equally scary, right?) After spending hundreds of dollars on a home security system and getting the car fixed by someone I was confident wouldn’t ruin it, I figured it wouldn’t happen again. That’s just how life works around here. Shit only happens when you aren’t expecting it. So, go on! Move on with your life! Nothing to report here.

(A pretty mountain river from one of our hikes)

About two weeks ago Alex and I went to the mountains for five days. I’m not going to lie… we did a terrible job planning our trip and solely picked the town because there was a casino and resort there. Great for nighttime, but during the day there was absolutely nothing to do besides outdoorsy stuff. You know, like hiking, biking, rock climbing, fishing, and other things you healthy, active people want to do in the mountains. This is not the case for us. We like our vacations to be lazy, filled with plenty of naps, alcohol, and so much food the thought of walking up a flight of stairs sends us into a panic over the idea of impending crampy doom. The mountains were beautiful though, so we managed to go out daily to try and learn how to do, uh… fitness. Next week’s beach trip is slated to be more our style.

I’m starting a new venture along with blogging (which I really need to do more of,) and writing my novel — Animation. I recently purchased a Wacom drawing tablet and Adobe Animate, and hopefully with hours and weeks of practice and YouTube tutorials (which are really informative, actually.) I’ll actually be able to draw my own mini animation series. It will be a silly/humorous show based off of Benny the Sheep. (The drawing in my blog header.) It’s been really hard to master, but I’m getting better every day and I’m excited to work on the episodes.

(Here’s the first drawing of Chester, who will be one of Benny’s friends.)

adventures in awkward

I wish depression was tangible so I could go all Lizzie Borden on its ass and swing an ax in its face 40 times. That’d be fair, right? Something has to be done because it’s not like it’s doing me any favors or anything. I’ve been hiding lately because, well… my brain has been in timeout. I should be back functioning and writing more often soon. There really needs to be a pause button on racing thoughts/doubt/paranoia/crazyshit so they aren’t constantly flooding our heads. All I need is a break. Is that too much to ask?

bringiton

Alex and I are desperately counting down the days until we are able to leave for vacation. This weekend we are going to the mountains to hike/find waterfalls and stay in a resort in western North Carolina. At the end of June, we will meet up with my family and stay in the Outer Banks at a beach house for a week. We are so close, yet so far. In the meantime, I found this hilarious list on Reddit about real reviews of vacations people went on. Sometimes the stupidity of people is the best way to brighten your day. They are a good reminder that, hey… at least you don’t live life with your thumb in your ass and no common sense.

Here we go…

“They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”  (Are you married to a toddler?  Surprisingly, people have the ability to control what they look at! Crazy, isn’t it?)

“The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”  

“No one told us there’d be fish in the water. The children were scared.” (Stop raising pussies. They don’t contribute much to society.)

(Don’t get your panties in a twist. I’m just kidding.)

buzzlife
“Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.” (It’s called a knife in most countries, dipshit.)

“I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard cremes or ginger nuts.” (What the hell are these things? I’ve never heard of them!)

“It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

“When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”

“It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”  (Did you want the operator to change your Depends for you too?)

“I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure didn’t mention mosquitoes.”

We are surrounded by geniuses, folks. Be scared.

Do you have any plans for relaxing this summer? Vacations? Staycations? Laying around on the couch like a vegetable while you stuff yourself full of ice cream and margaritas?

adventures in awkward

Random-As-Shit Thursday Thoughts

1. I read an article two years ago that a study found men’s beards to be stocked full of poop. Not literal chunks or anything, just the poop particles that float around because people are God-awful at washing their hands. (Don’t be like that, assholes. Wash your damn hands! Do you really want to bear the responsibility of a stranger accidentally putting your poop in their mouths?) Anyways, I’ve been using this as a reason to convince my husband not to grow his beard too long. “The longer it gets, the poopier it smells!” or “If I get pink eye from hugging you, hell is going to rain down!” Well, he discovered that it was somewhat of a myth, sadly. Beards aren’t more likely to have poop in them than any other thing in the world thanks to nasty ass people. Guess I’ll have to start getting used to the fact he might look like the next hillbilly that rolls out of Duck Dynasty.

2. Is anyone going crazy with summer right around the corner, counting down the days until they can go on vacation? It feels like this every year for me the second Spring is in full swing. It’s all I can think about doing. Man, we have a few trips planned for the beach in the next couple months, and I’m literally crossing off days on the calendar one-by-one until we get there. It’s like my body is craving it. Granted, our first week-long trip is sharing a beach house with my entire family, and the second one is sharing a house with Alex’s entire family. I’m not sure these are the ideal ‘relaxation’ vacations, but I figure it will at least be fun. Or we might return home crazier than we left. Who knows. It will be a fun experiment. Do you have any vacation plans you are looking forward to?

3. The other day I saw an article about women now choosing to “free bleed.” You know, not using any tampons/pads and just letting it flow wherever it goes. It cited a woman running a marathon in white shorts covered in blood, and an Instagram post of a woman bleeding while doing yoga. I was… disturbed. I understand it’s a normal body function and all, but no. JUST NO. STOP IT. I know it’s 2017, but some shit doesn’t need to be shared, you lunatics!

rambles

I wish depression was tangible so I could go all Lizzie Borden on its ass and swing an ax in its face 40 times. That’d be fair, right? Something has to be done because it’s not like it’s doing me any favors or anything. I’ve been hiding lately because, well… my brain has been in timeout. I should be back functioning and writing soon. There really needs to be a pause button on racing thoughts/doubt/paranoia/crazyshit so they aren’t constantly flooding our heads. All I need is a break. Is that too much to ask?

bringiton

Alex and I are desperately counting down the days until June because we have two trips planned. One is a short 3-day trip to the beach, and the other is a week-long road trip to Michigan for a wedding and family time. We are so close, yet so far. In the meantime, I found this hilarious list on Reddit about real reviews of vacations people went on. Sometimes the stupidity of people is the best way to brighten your day. They are a good reminder that, hey… at least you aren’t dumb as hell.

“They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”  

“The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.” 

“No one told us there’d be fish in the water. The children were scared.”

buzzlife
“Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”

“I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard cremes or ginger nuts.”

“It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.” 

“When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”

“It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

“I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure didn’t mention mosquitoes.”

We are surrounded by geniuses, folks. Be scared.

Do you have any plans for relaxing this summer? Vacations? Staycations? Laying around on the couch like a vegetable while you stuff yourself full of ice cream and margaritas?