adventures in awkward

 

There is no better way to start off the summer than being trapped in the same house as your entire family for a week. Well, as long as you’re willing to have zero alone time, be bombarded by whiny kids, and have your mother nag you from the moment you take your first sip of coffee until you finally decide to sneak off to bed at 8 pm to find solace from some boring TV show. Learn from me, friends… don’t share a big house with a bunch of adult family members and little kids. The insanity is enough to make you want to rip your hair out and weave them into intricate dolls just to watch them burst into flames when you try to saute them on the stove. It’s maddening.

For the most part… we had a good time at the beach. (Even though I got so burned the first day out I had to spend the next three days in hiding.) Since I have a sun allergy, my entire body ended up covered in red bumpy scales and I was doomed to look like an albino cobra the rest of the trip. It was unsightly. Seriously.  I’m thankful to have a husband that is never embarrassed to be seen with me. Because, wow… it was disturbing. My face looked like it was half blistered and melting off. I can only imagine how many kids I’ve scarred for life.

Anyways, I’m happy to finally be back. Ready to start catching up and reading everyone’s blogs.

Happy 4th of July to my fellow Americans. Hope you all still have your arms and didn’t blow them up from a fireworks mishap.

Also, I have another trip in August coming up where we will be sharing a house with Alex’s entire family this time. I’m going to need everyone to form a prayer circle for me. Please keep me in your thoughts. I will need all the strength and support I can get.

(Am I the only one that finds a sick satisfaction in peeling off the skin after a sunburn? I’m like a snake molting. Ah…)

 

adventures in awkward

Random-As-Shit Wednesday Thoughts

I like to think I know you guys pretty well, so I’m pretty sure you are all plagued with worry as you fight sleepless nights, eat your feelings, and clutch your kids close while they cry into your shoulder and rub globs of snot onto your prized, limited edition Harry Potter t shirt. But I am here to comfort you with an official report: our cars haven’t been vandalized since my last post. (You thought I was talking about Trump or something equally scary, right?) After spending hundreds of dollars on a home security system and getting the car fixed by someone I was confident wouldn’t ruin it, I figured it wouldn’t happen again. That’s just how life works around here. Shit only happens when you aren’t expecting it. So, go on! Move on with your life! Nothing to report here.

(A pretty mountain river from one of our hikes)

About two weeks ago Alex and I went to the mountains for five days. I’m not going to lie… we did a terrible job planning our trip and solely picked the town because there was a casino and resort there. Great for nighttime, but during the day there was absolutely nothing to do besides outdoorsy stuff. You know, like hiking, biking, rock climbing, fishing, and other things you healthy, active people want to do in the mountains. This is not the case for us. We like our vacations to be lazy, filled with plenty of naps, alcohol, and so much food the thought of walking up a flight of stairs sends us into a panic over the idea of impending crampy doom. The mountains were beautiful though, so we managed to go out daily to try and learn how to do, uh… fitness. Next week’s beach trip is slated to be more our style.

I’m starting a new venture along with blogging (which I really need to do more of,) and writing my novel — Animation. I recently purchased a Wacom drawing tablet and Adobe Animate, and hopefully with hours and weeks of practice and YouTube tutorials (which are really informative, actually.) I’ll actually be able to draw my own mini animation series. It will be a silly/humorous show based off of Benny the Sheep. (The drawing in my blog header.) It’s been really hard to master, but I’m getting better every day and I’m excited to work on the episodes.

(Here’s the first drawing of Chester, who will be one of Benny’s friends.)

adventures in awkward

I wish depression was tangible so I could go all Lizzie Borden on its ass and swing an ax in its face 40 times. That’d be fair, right? Something has to be done because it’s not like it’s doing me any favors or anything. I’ve been hiding lately because, well… my brain has been in timeout. I should be back functioning and writing more often soon. There really needs to be a pause button on racing thoughts/doubt/paranoia/crazyshit so they aren’t constantly flooding our heads. All I need is a break. Is that too much to ask?

bringiton

Alex and I are desperately counting down the days until we are able to leave for vacation. This weekend we are going to the mountains to hike/find waterfalls and stay in a resort in western North Carolina. At the end of June, we will meet up with my family and stay in the Outer Banks at a beach house for a week. We are so close, yet so far. In the meantime, I found this hilarious list on Reddit about real reviews of vacations people went on. Sometimes the stupidity of people is the best way to brighten your day. They are a good reminder that, hey… at least you don’t live life with your thumb in your ass and no common sense.

Here we go…

“They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”  (Are you married to a toddler?  Surprisingly, people have the ability to control what they look at! Crazy, isn’t it?)

“The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”  

“No one told us there’d be fish in the water. The children were scared.” (Stop raising pussies. They don’t contribute much to society.)

(Don’t get your panties in a twist. I’m just kidding.)

buzzlife
“Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.” (It’s called a knife in most countries, dipshit.)

“I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard cremes or ginger nuts.” (What the hell are these things? I’ve never heard of them!)

“It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

“When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”

“It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”  (Did you want the operator to change your Depends for you too?)

“I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure didn’t mention mosquitoes.”

We are surrounded by geniuses, folks. Be scared.

Do you have any plans for relaxing this summer? Vacations? Staycations? Laying around on the couch like a vegetable while you stuff yourself full of ice cream and margaritas?