adventures in awkward

Random-As-Shit Thursday Thoughts

1. Some people listen to music when they are trying to relax. Others go to the bar and down a shameful amount of appletinis while having their self-esteem boosted by a drunk asshole that thinks complimenting a stranger’s ass is the best pathway to a lifelong love. Or a night full of burning STDs. Who knows. I watch cats. Not my own cats, they’re too boring. I’ve been obsessed with a live stream on YouTube called ‘Kitten Academy.’ It’s run by a couple in Illinois who foster pregnant cats and their kittens until they are old enough to be adopted through a rescue they work with. They have a 24/7 live stream in a few rooms of their home dedicated to different mom+kitten families. If you like cats, you need to check it out. I’ve become so addicted I check in on the kittens all day – when I’m pooping, at my computer writing, and sometimes when I feel it’s necessary to pretend I’m listening to my husband when he’s talking about sports. It’s one of the most adorable things I’ve ever seen. If you need something to make you smile and calm you down, check it out. It’s much better than getting drunk and losing your self respect on a Friday night.

(Here’s a photo I stole from their Twitter yesterday. Look at those sweet faces.)

2. Last week I got my annual haircut. Yes, I only go once a year. I’m not afraid to admit I let my hair get a little Tarzan-esque once in awhile. Getting a hair cut is probably one of the worst things you have to do when you have social anxiety. You’re stuck in a chair, being nailed with personal questions that are impossible to escape, while a person dances around you with scissors chopping away while they barely pay attention. Even the thought of it makes me nauseous. This year I happen to get a woman who was the most obnoxiously outgoing person I’ve ever met. At one point she brought up bestiality and how horrible it would be to get stretched out by a cow. She is also 100%  convinced that giant zombie chickens are going to be what wipes humanity from Earth. Seriously. Genetically modified zombie chickens. She thinks they’ll be so strong they’ll be able to muscle us to the ground and peck us to death. I wish I was making this stuff up, but it all came out of her mouth. And I thought I was the one with word vomit. I’m never getting a haircut again.

(Hellllo Khal Drogo. He kind of looks like Tarzan here… right?)

3. Anyone have any masterful April Fool’s Day pranks they are going to play on someone? I’m running out of time and haven’t come up with a good one yet. I really want to find one that will scare my husband so bad he will pee himself. That would bring me great joy. (Unless he makes me clean it up or something.)

adventures in awkward

Random-As-Shit Thursday Thoughts

1. I have a serious dislike for travel bloggers. They remind me of the people on Facebook who are constantly posting pictures of the things they do in their lives that make them seem so much more interesting and better than the ordinary schmoes like myself. “Here’s a photo of this quaint little cafe along the Rue de la Snooty in Paris. Everything is perfect here – even the way the sunlight reflects off my latte makes my tits look perkier!” It drives me insane. Especially the young ones. How in the world can young 20-year-olds afford to travel the world on a consistent basis and blog about it? HOW? Unless you’re one of ten people at that age that actually gets paid to do it. It makes no sense to me. Shouldn’t you people be working? Or in school? Or, you know, busy being poor? My 20’s sucked compared to them. (Also, I’m willing to admit this is 98% fueled by jealousy. I wish I had the means to constantly travel around further than my grocery store on a daily basis. I also love looking/reading about other countries. So, I really hate a love-hate-relationship with travel bloggers more than just a hate one..)


2. We are basically already in flip-flop weather here in North Carolina, so I’ve been trying to find home remedies to take care of my dry, crusty feet. They really are disgusting. I haven’t worn flip flops in at least two years because I’m afraid I’m going to scar a random child who catches a glimpse of them. This year we have beach trips planned so I figured I’d start now in getting these bad boys descaled. What is one of the cheapest/easiest recommendations I found? Castor oil. So, off to RiteAid I went.

Me: Hi, I’m looking for castor oil. You know, that stuff that pregnant women drink to induce labor? I read that it’s good for your skin, too, and I want to give it a whirl.

RiteAid Lady: Oh, sure! It’s over by the laxatives.

Me: Laxatives?

Lady: Yes, it’s commonly used to help with blockages.

Me: Women don’t poop out of their vaginas, though. I mean, I’ve only been alive for 30 years, but I’m pretty sure that’s right.

Lady: … No. No they don’t. There are definitely two holes down there.

Me: Three, actually. They don’t pee out of their vaginas, either. I don’t think you’re 30 yet, but some day you’ll know.

Lady: This is getting weird.

Poor woman didn’t know what she was getting into when she greeted me at the door. 


3. I was recently interviewed by a fellow blogger here on WordPress. If you want to take a gander, go visit it here 

Also, here’s the Random-Ass-Poll for this week! Remember, it’s anonymous!

[Total_Soft_Poll id=”6″]

adventures in awkward

Random-As-Shit Thursday Thoughts

1.There was a woman at Target yesterday who had toilet paper stuck in her waist band by her butt. I thought it was embarrassing to advertise to a crowded store that she recently shat in store’s bathroom and was the cause of the ungodly odor seeping out onto the people waiting in the Starbucks line, so I took it upon myself to tell her. You know, trying to cash in my good deed for the day. Instead, she turned and looked at me and said, ‘That’s not funny! Those type of pranks are very immature for a woman your age.’ This chick thought I was the one who put the toilet paper in.her.pants. IN THEM. How the hell could I manage doing that without her feeling it? I’m a modern day Houdini. That’s what I get for trying to be kind. I responded with, ‘Don’t be embarrassed, lady. Everybody poops!’ …. Didn’t her parents teach her that?

2. I saw this on the front page of Yahoo the other day. I mean, is this really news-worthy? ‘Adult knows how to feed himself?’ Congratu-fucking-lations! You’ve done what 75% of the population does. Making your own food? How inspiring! How brave! I understand a lot of people who work get lunch out, but surely there’s a time when everyone has gone at least three days making their own food, right? Especially in the poor college years. I eat at home every meal besides maybe one a week, so I’m expecting a feature on the front page of Yahoo any day now. If you’re a journalist, hit me up. It will be a top article. I promise. Everyone else – keep your eyes peeled for my grand debut.

3. Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and suddenly have a light bulb go off? Like, your mind has a moment of clarity and everything in your world just seems to make sense all of a sudden. I had this last night. I woke up out of a dead sleep and realized something amazing – The french fry brand ‘OreIda’ is Oregon and Idaho mashed together. Did you know that? Genius. Pure genius. Why was I thinking about french fries at 3 am? Who knows. I don’t even like the damn things. Apparently it was an important mystery my subconscious needed to solve.

Random-Ass-Poll for a Random-Ass-Thursday

[Total_Soft_Poll id=”3″]

adventures in awkward

Random-As-Shit Thursday Thoughts

1. I’m going to be honest here – you guys scare me sometimes. Not the majority, but more so the people that land on my blog by random search terms. I don’t know why people are searching for ‘shameful awkward mom porn’ or ‘sheep boobs’ and landing on my page, but there is zero porn here. Zip. Nada. I’m pretty sure I’ve never even talked here about sex before. Is that what Google thinks of me? They lump me in with the porn sites so I’m attracting all the perverse freaks of the internet? Maybe I should give them what they want. I can start posting pictures of sheep boobs. Here you go, weirdos.

 

2. I keep seeing online that people are calling Lady Gaga ‘fat’ and saying she had a ‘pot belly’ during her halftime performance the other day. What the hell is wrong with people? I wish I could drag everyone who said this crap by their hair and smash their face into a vat of horse semen. (Okay, now I’m starting to understand why I get the porn lovers.)

If this is fat, then I must be the size of Hagrid when he’s nine months pregnant. 

3. I really don’t care if you hate that I swear or not. It drives me crazy that people purposely stalk my posts and go out of their way to tell me how bad of a person I am multiple times a week through comments because I throw a swear word or two into my writing. IT’S A WORD, PEOPLE. I’m not hurting anybody. It’s not like I’m going into public and telling kids to go fuck themselves and punching them in the face. Not that it’s any of your goddamn business if I was. I’m 30. Not 12. I don’t need lectures from people twice my age like they’re my mother. I’ve had to block TWO people this week from my site due to them doing this for nearly a year now. If the ban didn’t work – hopefully they will see this and kindly f u c k o f f. (End rant.)