adventures in awkward

Once in a while I make it a point to tiptoe outside the edges of my comfort zone and do something I normally wouldn’t. This is painful for me. Oftentimes accompanied by lots of pacing and profuse armpit sweating with an occasional collapse to my knees while screaming WHY, GOD, WHY? Why must I do this?  Okay, I may be over-exaggerating a tiny bit, but I think you get the idea. I do seem to go through extra deodorant during these times, but that could just be a mere coincidence.

Recently Alex and I decided we were going to go to a hockey game. We live pretty close to where the Carolina Hurricanes play, so we figured why not? Tickets are cheap, it’s something to do. Normal people enjoy going to sports games, right? Why not us? I can drink beer, holler like a lunatic, lift up my shirt and rub my belly all over the protective glass around the rink like the best of them. It would be great. Totally fun. Just fantastic.

It was great to be around all the excitement. Flashing lights, music that made people jump out of their seats and wiggle their asses, families that were taking photos with the big furry mascot, piles and piles of fried food and beer. It was a hoppin’ place to be, for sure. Honestly… I get it. I get why people love going to sports games and why people shell out buttloads of money for season passes/clubs. There’s so much excitement and fun going on. I, too, am glad we stepped outside of our socially anxious comfort zones and went and tried something new. All those people in the arena reminded me of something very important to me:

Why I stay the hell home.

adventures in awkward

Random As Shit Thoughts On A Friday

1. Do you guys ever get to the point where you’re so overtired you laugh at nothing? This always happens to me. Alex and I will be watching something serious on TV at night and I burst out laughing over some fleeting thought, and he stares at me awkwardly like I’ve suddenly sprout an extra head or the skin on my face is melting off. I call these the night crazies. They make me laugh so hard I start gagging. It’s actually pretty fun. Last night I walked into the room where Alex was watching a soccer game (or football, for all you fancy EU folks.) I glanced at the TV for a second and realized the goalie’s last name was Areola. AREOLA. I laughed so hard that it felt as someone kicked me in the stomach. Could you imagine growing up with that last name? Poor guy. (Honestly, I have a childlike sense of humor, so I probably would have found this funny even if I wasn’t overtired.)

2. I know most of you shop on Amazon… right? In 2017, I’d actually be a bit concerned if you didn’t. Anyways, I added a link to my sidebar that leads to the front page of Amazon. There is nothing different about it, except I’ll get a tiny kickback from ‘recommending you use Amazon.’ This is a humor blog, so I don’t intend on trying to actually sell anything off Amazon to you guys, but if you use my link it will help support me/my site at no extra cost to you. If you do use it, I truly appreciate it.

3. If you’re following the saga of Neighbor Boy (you know, that prick in my cul-de-sac that wrote with permanent marker all over my car?) After a month-long lull in activity, it has peaked again. We had workers at our house last week redoing our deck, and apparently they caught Douche Boy throwing eggs at their work truck. Seriously. This kid just randomly walks out and throws eggs at a car in someone else’s driveway. Who the fuck does that? The day after that, he walked to the middle of our cul-de-sac, smashed plates, watched the shards fly everywhere, then ran back inside. So, we finally went over and spoke to his dad. Hopefully it changes something. We really need to move…

Just wanted to add in – RIP to Chester Bennington. I cannot emphasize the impact Linkin Park had on me while I was growing up. Their old music still gives me the massive feels every time I listen to it. Please, if anyone is having/knows someone who is having thoughts of suicide… reach out for help. 


People in costumes make me violent. No, not your cute 5-year-olds dressed up as Pocahontas and John Smith, just the adults. It doesn’t matter if it’s women shoved into slutty nurse costumes that leave little to the imagination on Halloween, or if it’s a Chewbacca-nerd at a Star Wars convention. Either way – I’m uncomfortable. The first time I went to Disney World, two people dressed as mimes followed my sister and I around because they thought they were being funny by scaring us. I threw my half-eaten corndog at one’s eye, and dumped my drink on the other. Don’t mess with me – I’m armed with food.

I was at a birthday party this weekend for two of my nieces, and of course, there was a clown. We found ourselves alone inside while he was getting set up, so I thought it would be a good time to have an adult conversation with him.


Me: I just want to let you know in private, I’m afraid of clowns. I know it’s irrational because you’re probably just a normal guy with a family, but I felt the need to tell you. Hopefully it will help me keep my shit together today.

Clown: Hi, I’m Bozo! Being a clown is normal!  Everyone in my family is a clown and we love making people laugh, especially with our tricks! If you promise to not use potty language, I’ll make you a balloon animal! What one would you love to have?

Me: Bozo? That’s a fitting name… because you’re not getting my point. Can we just talk like normal adults? We’re alone.

Clown: Well, whatever do you mean, normal? A clown is normal, and everyone loves balloon animals!

Me: I hate you. Next time someone throws a pie in your face, I hope you choke on a rogue blueberry.

Clown: Ho ho ha ha. You’ve got quite the imagination! Want to be my very special helper today? There are bunnies involved! If you do well, you can even hold one! Isn’t that so exciting?

Me: I will kill you.

I spent the rest of the day lurking in the background of the party with a wine glass clutched close. Do you have any irrational fears? Ones that are rational? Shouldn’t clowns be illegal?