adventures in awkward

Once in a while I make it a point to tiptoe outside the edges of my comfort zone and do something I normally wouldn’t. This is painful for me. Oftentimes accompanied by lots of pacing and profuse armpit sweating with an occasional collapse to my knees while screaming WHY, GOD, WHY? Why must I do this?  Okay, I may be over-exaggerating a tiny bit, but I think you get the idea. I do seem to go through extra deodorant during these times, but that could just be a mere coincidence.

Recently Alex and I decided we were going to go to a hockey game. We live pretty close to where the Carolina Hurricanes play, so we figured why not? Tickets are cheap, it’s something to do. Normal people enjoy going to sports games, right? Why not us? I can drink beer, holler like a lunatic, lift up my shirt and rub my belly all over the protective glass around the rink like the best of them. It would be great. Totally fun. Just fantastic.

It was great to be around all the excitement. Flashing lights, music that made people jump out of their seats and wiggle their asses, families that were taking photos with the big furry mascot, piles and piles of fried food and beer. It was a hoppin’ place to be, for sure. Honestly… I get it. I get why people love going to sports games and why people shell out buttloads of money for season passes/clubs. There’s so much excitement and fun going on. I, too, am glad we stepped outside of our socially anxious comfort zones and went and tried something new. All those people in the arena reminded me of something very important to me:

Why I stay the hell home.

adventures in awkward

When I was growing up I was sure I’d never marry. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, but because I was slightly overweight, thought the Disney channel shows meant for 12-year-olds were cool even in my late teens, and Kimmy Gibbler was, in my eyes, the best fashion icon of the next decade. Why weren’t boys into all of that? I’ll never know.  I labeled myself as undesirable. Which was a pretty shitty feeling to have when all the other kids in high school were groping each other at their lockers and talking about bumping uglies during their lunch period. I’m not gonna lie –  it’s hard to go through your awkward years feeling like nobody will ever want you like the rest of your peers. I had resigned to the fact that I didn’t deserve love, and I was actually at a point where I was okay with that. I’d be fine alone. I’d hoped. When Alex and I started dating I thought God was fucking with me. I was pretty sure he was just trying to pull off the cruelest prank imaginable to pay me back for all the times I cursed his name or wanted to punch a stranger in the face for no reason.

Have you ever heard that corny line, ‘find someone who makes you want to be a better person/version of yourself?‘ I always thought that line was such bullshit until it happened to me. Alex does this for me. I don’t think the man has ever had a negative/judgmental thought about anyone on the planet. Even when it’s just the two of us together. I never thought I deserved a man who would be thoughtful enough to jump up and do the dishes every night after I cook so I don’t have to. Or scoop the litter boxes for cats that I had to have, even though he’s a dog lover. A man that loves me when I’m losing weight, gaining weight, crying because my hormones are making me even crazier than I truly am, or when I’m dancing and serenading the cats in the most embarrassing way possible. A man that supports me and truly believes I can accomplish my goal of being a successful writer someday. Or someone who would, without repayment or acknowledgment, help a stranger on the street regardless of who or where they were and what he had to do in order to help. (Listing these is making me cry, so I’m going to stop here!)

I don’t know what I did to deserve Alex, but I honestly wake up every morning feeling like the luckiest woman alive. Everyone deserves an Alex. I hope you all find one, because everyone deserves a love like his.

Today is his birthday, which spawned this overly sappy/corny post that I don’t usually do. Happy Birthday, Alex! Thanks for making a socially awkward, undesirable nerd feel so loved.

 

rambles

Today my social anxiety and awkwardness claimed another victim. I really don’t know how I’ve made it so long without being monitored in public. I need to hire an adult nanny so they can help me from making a fool of myself. All I need is a social companion. Do those exist? Should I hire someone? Anyone need a job hanging out and being emotional support to a woman on the brink of crazy-town? Unlimited Wi-Fi and Diet Coke available. Games and activities like Exploding Kittens and brownie-eating-competitions will be provided. (Just don’t blow up my real cats, okay?)

(This started as a joke, but now there’s a part of me that really wants to hire someone who will do all of that with me. A sad testament to how little friends I have that it’s come to the point I’d consider paying someone to be one. Loser alert. It’s hard being an adult.)

makingfriends

On to today’s victim in the pharmacy: 

Woman: Excuse me, I know you don’t work here… but can I ask you something?

Me: Sure. Unless it’s about condoms. I don’t use those so I don’t really have any legitimate advice on them. If I were you, I’d go with the ones that emphasize the woman’s pleasure though. Why the hell not, right? You’re the one here buying them. It’s okay being selfish sometimes.

Woman: Oh…

Me: I know what you’re thinking, but it was an educated and personal decision of ours. I’m married. Happily married even!

Woman: … I was just going to ask you if you knew where the Claritin was…

Me: Oh.. uh.. sorry. It’s right over there. Next to the hemorrhoid creams. Which, thankfully, I also don’t need to use. *nervous laughter*

*Woman stares at me with wide eyes and runs away*

rambles

I go to the post office multiple times a week, so lately I’ve been trying to befriend the women who work there. It’s proven to be difficult because, let’s face it, most government employees have the personality of a sullen teenager who’s mastered the art of sighing and being an asshole at the same time. Good job, guys! Way to set the bar high.

Since I see the same few women every time I go, I try to be as friendly as possible even though it’s normally met with restraint. Today I crafted a plan to get on their good side. I was going to bring them what all adults want in their mouths – lollipops. What person doesn’t like lollipops, right? They would love me after this. Pure genius.

zachslolly

Post Office Lady: How are you today? Anything liquid, fragile, perish—-

Me: I brought you lollipops! The good ones… with the gum in the middle.

Lady: Oh, uh, thanks? I guess? That was….thoughtful of you.

Me: You’re welcome. I’m here all the time so I thought it would be a step in the direction of a new friendship between us.

Lady: Sure. Anything in the box liquid, fragile, perishable or explosive?

Me: Nope. Unless cocaine is perishable haha. I’m just kidding. Seriously, that was a bad joke. It’s not cocaine.

Lady: ……

Me: It’s just weed. Gotcha! *slaps knee* I’m here all night, folks.

Lady: I’m going to need you to wait here…

 

Lesson Of The Day – There is such a thing as ‘too much, too soon.’ Don’t force awkward jokes with strangers when you have nothing else to talk about. And… drugs are not a good topic to bring up, especially when you are standing in the middle of a government building.

‘Word Vomit’ … it’s a real thing, guys!