adventures in awkward

Ever love something so much you want to squeeze it so tight that its eyes pop out and guts burst all over your walls and decorate it with a nice red tinge? Sure, it’s a bit brutal like a scene from Dexter when he’s hacking the shit out of one of his victims and bathing in their blood, but that’s okay. It’s out of love, you know? My mom always told me it was the thought that counts, so… as long as you do it with good intentions it’s okay. (That’s how it works, right?) Anyways, the point of this ramble was to tell you guys that I love you. So much that I want to hug you so tight you can’t help but shit yourself. I really appreciate and have all the feels for this community.

Anyways, I was nominated for an award by R Cawkwell. Since I never follow to the rules to these things, I thought I’d answer the questions she asked, then turn and ask y’all questions of my own so we can learn more about each other. It’s a fun game, so answer them damn it! Or sit in the corner being a party pooper while you pick your nose. Whatever works.

She asked me:

  1. When did you start writing? I started writing poetry when I was in junior high. It was absolutely terrible, but it spawned my love for writing.
  2. Pluto: Planet or not? YES. Of course. Don’t disrespect Pluto just being it’s smaller than the others. Didn’t your parents teach you manners?
  3. Favorite place to write? At my desk, I’m not hipster enough to write in public.
  4. Pen or word processor for the first draft? Word processor. My hands hurt way too fast when I write by hand.
  5. If you were a mythical creature, what would you be? A hippogriff. Because, uh… Harry Potter kicks ass.

 

My questions for y’all:

  1. If you could recommend ONE show right now, what would it be?
  2. Would you rather spend the rest of your life with giant testicles on your chin, or having hooves instead of hands?
  3. If you could choose any celebrity to hit the sheets with, who would it be?
  4. Who’s your favorite blogger around these parts? (Besides me, obviously!)
adventures in awkward

If you’ve been reading here awhile, I think I’ve made it pretty clear I like to ask and answer a lot of random-ass-questions. (Hence the weird polls I throw in sometimes at the end of my posts.) This is the internet, so I feel like it’s the best way to get to know each other. I mean, I’d rather take y’all out to lunch, buy some martinis, and ask everyone their most deepest personal thoughts on the newest Oreo flavor and do a contest of who can fit the most marshmallows in their mouth – but we don’t have that luxury. (The world deserves to know about your mouth capacity, though. So share if you know the answer.)

I was excited to be nominated for this ‘get to know you’ quiz by Fatty McCupcakes because the questions are totally random and not something you see every day. Go check her answers out – they are hilarious. 

So, here we go, friends:

1. Who are you named after? 

When my mom and dad bought their first house they hired a bunch of college kids to paint the outside for them. One of the guys, who my mom has told me numerous times when she recounts the story, was particularly hot. His name was Blair. She liked the name so much it was going to be my name whether I was a boy or girl. So, my mom named me after a sexy stranger. True story. Thanks, Mom!

2. Do you like your handwriting?

Not at all. I mean, I don’t have a serial-killer-slant or anything, but it’s pretty shitty for a 30-year-old. My husband always tells me it’s nice, but I figure he’s jaded by love so his opinion really doesn’t mean much.

3. What is your favorite lunch meat?

Does peanut butter and jelly with barbecue chips count? Those are the best sandwiches. I don’t really like lunch meat. *Gasp* I know, shocking! If I HAD to choose one, it would be turkey. A nice grilled cheese or pb & j sounds a lot yummier.

4. Longest relationship? 

Current one. We’ve only been married for 3 years and before that dated for barely one. So 4 years, even though that sounds super short. We’ve known each other since we were 12/13, though, so I feel like our relationship should count as 17. I’m a cheater.

5. Do you still have your tonsils?

Yes! I don’t think anyone in my family has had them removed. So, you’re looking at someone with Grade A throat genes. Consider yourself blessed.

6. Would you bungee jump? 

I’m way too much of a pussy to do anything that’s an unnecessary risk right now. Just being honest. I have some serious anxiety.

7. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

Hell no. That would include bending down. Way too much effort.

8. Favorite ice cream?

Okay, the majority of people won’t know what the hell this is… but the name of it is Hunka Chunka PB Fudge. It’s an ice cream you can only get at Friendly’s. So, if you live in the northeast of the US consider yourself lucky. A few years ago a grocery store here in NC started carrying their ice cream, but I have yet to see that flavor.  I had it for the first time last summer at a lone Friendly’s restaurant in Myrtle Beach – it was just as amazing as I remembered it. Mmm.

9. What is the first thing you notice about people?

If they are clean. That sounds so rude, but being hygienic in public is important to me. Greasy hair gives me the heebie jeebies. TAKE A SHOWER, PEOPLE!

10. Football or baseball? 

If I HAD to choose – football. The only one I really care about is college basketball, though. Go Syracuse! (Minus this year, because they suck donkey balls.)

11. What color pants are you wearing? 

Dark wash blue jeans.

12. Last thing you ate?

I haven’t had anything yet today, but last night I ate 10 walnuts before I went to sleep. Yes, I counted! TEN!

13. If you were a crayon what color would you be?

Poop brown.

14. Favorite smell?

Dunkin Donuts. Coffee mixed with pastries baking in the oven = best smell ever. Aromatherapy for me.

15. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?

My husband. He was calling on his way home from the gym to ask me if I wanted him to pick up something for dinner. He sure knows bringing me food is the way to my heart.

16. Hair color? 

Poop brown, yay! Boring, but still my favorite so I don’t bother dyeing it.

17. Eye color?

Poop brown. (Now are you understanding the crayon color choice?)

18. Favorite foods to eat?

Well, I want to say pizza, cupcakes, and bagels with cream cheese, but I don’t actually eat them anymore even though they are my favorites. My favorite thing to eat right now is celery and peanut butter. I crave it every day, and I eat it every day! I’m so lame.

19. Scary movies or happy endings? 

Happy endings! I don’t even watch scary movies. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. BRING ON THE CORNY DISNEY MOVIES!

20. Last movie you watched? 

Tangled – it was on TV last night. (See! 30 and still a child.)

21. Favorite holiday? 

Christmas. Alex and I just went through our basement and garage and I have over 6 boxes of Christmas decorations. SIX. It’s an addiction. I can’t imagine what it will be like when we actually have children. It’s going to look like Christmas threw up in our house.

22. Beer or wine? 

I don’t drink, but if I did – I’d choose wine

23. Night owl or early bird? 

Early bird! I’m lucky if I make it past 10 pm.

24. Favorite day of the week? 

All the days are the same for me but I guess I would choose Tuesdays because that’s when the new Dance Moms episodes are on. Feel free to judge me, it’s fine! It’s a terrible guilty pleasure I’ve had for the last 6-7 years. I can’t help it.

25: Which three of your favorite bloggers do you want to know more about? 

I want to know more about a lot of people – so I’m not going to nominate. I’d love to read everyone’s response. So, if you want to fill out the questions and post them, make sure you let me know in the comments so I can go read them.

 

adventures in awkward

My laptop broke last night. As you can imagine, this caused a very mature reaction consisting of me screaming bloody murder as I drop-kicked it out the back door into a puddle. It’s now resting with a failed baking recipe I made that also got the heave-ho out the window yesterday. Classy, eh? I may or may not have an anger issue. The jury’s still out.  (The neighbor’s must think I’m slightly nuts, though, as there’s always things flying out of my house into the graveyard of my backyard.)

I was nominated for an award over the weekend, and thought I’d answer the questions I was asked. I’m not going to repost and fill it out like I’m supposed to, because where’s the fun in that? Rather than nominate other people, I asked some burning questions to y’all at the bottom of the post. Answer them, damn it! I mean…. please.

Here are the questions I was asked by EntirelyErika :

1.What made you want to blog?
2.If you could collaborate with one person on your blog, who would it be and why?
3.If you could meet one person {alive or dead} who would it be?
All 3 of these go together for me, so I’m going to answer it as one question. I would collaborate with the same people I would meet, which would be Walt Disney or JK Rowling. They are quite different, but they have both accomplished my #1 goal in life (minus having a happy family): to captivate an audience and inspire wonder. Whether I accomplish it through writing novels, screenplays, or blogs – one day I will do it. (I hope!)
4.You just won $1 million dollars, what do you do/buy?
A little farm in the middle of nowhere with sheep, goats, and chickens. And a month supply of Olive Garden’s bread sticks. 
5.How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
I’ll have to consult with my husband. He is the residential expert on wood.

Here are my questions for y’all. Answer them. Don’t answer them. Sit in the corner picking your nose and judging the rest of us who are cool enough to answer. Whatever floats your boat. 

  1. You’re stranded in the middle of nowhere with the cast of Friends. You can’t find any food, so your only way to survive is to turn into a cannibal. Which two do you eat first, and why?
  2. If you had to pick a theme song or movie that best represents your life, what would it be?
  3. What did you eat for dinner last night?
  4. Do you have a favorite blog post that you wrote and want to share? Post the link!

 

(Don’t worry – I always pick up the crap I throw out there. I’m not that weird.)

adventures in awkward

I’m still slowly finding my way out of the sludge of my months-long-hiatus on this blog. I’m not sure why it takes me so long to write  a post now, but I’ve been plagued with some pretty severe writer’s block. Everything I write makes me cringe like a 14-year-old who has parents that go out of their way to embarrass them as many ways as possible. (You know, like when your mom dropped you off at school in her pajamas and didn’t bother combing her hair or putting a bra on? Damn, those years were rough.) I used to crank out posts every other day, but now I’m only managing one a week. Brain? Hello? Are you in there?  Your presence is requested on the poop deck. 

I don’t normally respond to blogger awards but I thought it would be fun to answer some questions, then ask you guys some.  I like learning about you guys anyways, considering I spend a lot of time reading your blogs. So, answer my questions, okay? Answer them or else!  

Here are questions that were asked of me by hotmessmemoir. She’s the one who nominated me. She kicks ass, so check out her blog:

You are given an unlimited amount of money by Daddy Warbucks. The only stipulation is it must be spent on a dream you’ve had. What is that dream?  I’m assuming this means the money must be spent to make the dream come true? That’s what I’m going with, at least. I’m not very good at remembering dreams… but I have a recurring one where my brother is super pregnant. I’d choose that one, hands down. Why? My brother can be douchey sometimes, and it would bring me great pleasure to watch him waddle around in public munching on a turkey leg while everyone gave him dirty looks and shielded their children’s eyes. The horror!

turkeyleg

 

What are you really good at? Embarrassing the people who are ballsy enough to go in public with me. It takes skill. Need some tips? Hit me up.

 

What have you never learned to do? Anything ‘yard’ related – like rake, mow, or anything else outside. My family was very old school growing up. The girls did the inside work while the guys did outside.  I helped pull weeds for the first time last year (at the age of 28, mind you) for all of 5 minutes. Alex laughed at me the whole time because I hate to be dirty. Needless to say – that 5 minutes was long enough. Never again, I say. Never again!  I can fold laundry like a champ and make an ass-kicking homemade mac-and-cheese though.

housework

Here are my questions for y’all: (answer some, all, or be lame and sit and the corner and pick your nose and flick it at the wall. Whatever floats your boat.)

  1. Think of the person you dislike the most in this world. If you had the ability to force them to eat a full plate of anything you wanted, what would it be? ( I would choose a nice corn and rabbit turd salad tossed with a deliciously warm cat-piss-vinaigrette.)
  2.  What do you have an irrational fear of? Spiders? Heights? People who pick their nose and flick it at the wall?
  3. You’re going out to dinner tonight – what type of restaurant are you going to? Mexican? Chinese? American? Italian?
  4. If you’re a blogger – do you have aspirations of writing a book at some point? (Really curious about how many bloggers have the end goal of becoming a published author or if you’re just doing it for fun.)
rambles

I’ve been plagued with the cold-from-hell for over a week and strung out on so much cold medicine I could barely comprehend some of the comments you guys left on my last post. So, I’m sorry if I responded with something that made no sense. It was the drugs. The drugs, I tell you! I’ve been MIA but I’m starting to catch up with everyone’s blogs tonight finally!

fun-with-drugs-332x249

I don’t have the mental capacity to write today so I’m going to do something totally batshit crazy over here and respond to an award nomination I received. Sort of. I’m going to respond to Lady Dickson’s questions because she kicks ass but, instead of nominating people I’m just going to ask YOU guys a couple questions at the bottom so we can get to know each other a little better. We’re all friends here, right? Answer my damn questions then! (kidding, kidding.)

Lady Dickson’s questions for me:

  1. Where’s the farthest you’ve traveled from home? I don’t travel much so… the Caribbean? I’m boring. Someone come take me on vacation! 
  2. If you could have witnessed any major historical event, which would you choose? Is it sad I can’t think of anything? Most historical things that come to mind are tragedies… I think I’ll stick with the present.
  3. What is your go to conversation starter? I don’t have one as I try not to start conversations! The woe of a socially awkward crazy lady.
  4. Why did you start a blog? To meet and connect with people while doing something I love (writing)
  5. What is your favourite and least favourite word? Slice/Mortified (Not sure why it’s my favorite, but I sure say it a lot !)
  6. Have you ever been stung by a bee? Five too many times
  7. Who is your favourite comedian? Nick Swordson (A totally random but totally hilarious guy)
  8. Which cartoon character is your spirit animal? Garfield.garfield
  9. What movie have you walked out on/did you wish you walked out on? Anchorman. I walked out on it the first time I saw it. Then I watched it again at home a year later and loved it. Not sure what my deal was the first time around.
  10. How many cats is too many cats to own? Is this a joke? You can’t have too many cats…

Here are my questions for y’all: 

  1. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
  2. Would you rather be forced to wear fish-scented deodorant all day, or pants made out of bologna? 
  3. If you could punch somebody you know in the face right now, who would it be and why? (Someone you know! I know everybody wants to punch Trump already lol)
  4.  Who is your favorite blogger and why? Share their link!

Answer some or all!

rambles

When I was in college I was invincible. Life is fleeting, and all I knew back then was that I wanted every moment to count. Every moment to be memorable. Which explains the years that I thought it was completely justifiable to get drunk, rip my clothes off, and run down the street with a bong clutched in my hand and tassels dangling from my nipples. Or when I didn’t think twice about bungee-jumping in that really sketchy neighborhood in Mexico for only $5. Smart? No. Memorable? Definitely. Hey, I never claimed to be the smartest person.  Don’t judge.

Yesterday I got word that my sister-in-law wanted to go sky-diving for her 30th birthday with all of the adults in our family. I was, well…. horrified. Seriously. In the last decade life has become a lot more fragile. I make sure I’m more careful and avoid any unnecessary risks. I have an amazing husband and future goals that I’m not ready to put on the line for a cheap thrill. Of course, Alex was excited about the prospect of going before I shot him a nervous look and he decided to back down from the idea. I’m such a bore and a damper on a good time. Whoops.

skydivingsunset

Would you want to go sky diving for your birthday? What if you had 3 young children and a lot to put on the line if, heaven forbid, something went wrong? Have you gone sky diving and think it’s totally safe (enough for me to not worry about my husband going?)