adventures in awkward

Random-As-Shit Thoughts On A Tuesday

1. I’ve wandered off the plank and I’m drowning deep in what has to be the worst bout of writer’s block imaginable. It’s rough down here. I’m trying to tread water but my head’s been under so long I’m at the point where I’ve turned into a catatonic vegetable without a functioning brain anymore.  And not a good one like a cucumber either, more like a lone asparagus stalk that’s sole purpose is to make your pee smell like sulfuric death. (Am I the only that one that’s completely repulsed by asparagus? Yuck.) Anyways, I want to be here. I miss you guys. I feel like I’ve made a lot of friends on here and I’ve been cheating on you with my  real life, which… let’s be honest… is far less fun and interesting. I’ve made a schedule for myself and plan to be here daily to post or read your guy’s posts. It will take me forever to catch up, but it starts today. What have you done to get over writer’s block? Or do you just gorge on a sleeve of Oreos dipped in peanut butter until it goes away?

2. I’m hoping none of you guys were affected by Harvey or Irma. My brother and his girlfriend live in Fort Lauderdale, Fl, so we had some unexpected guests here for about a week. It’s always fun having people stay at your house unexpectedly, not knowing when they’ll be able to leave, while simultaneously eating all of the food in your kitchen. Let me tell you, nothing tips the depression scale more than waking up to enjoy your favorite coffee only to find out your guests have killed the last of your sugar-free creamer. The horror! The madness! You can’t mess with people’s coffee. This is America, god damn it! Really, though… I would have let them stay for however long they needed. I hope if any of your had to evacuate, you had a safe place to go. I’m over hurricane season.

3. I have a random question to ask you guys. I asked Alex this a few nights ago and I’ve asked a few other people since then just to see what their answers would be. We are approaching Halloween, so it’s a fitting question.

– If you died today and could choose one person to haunt for the rest of their life, who would it be and why? (It has to be someone you’ve met in real life, I know the majority of you want to haunt Trump. Also, it doesn’t have to be a scary haunting like you’re Pennywise or something, you could just be a ghost that is annoying as hell.)

adventures in awkward

If you’ve been reading here awhile, I think I’ve made it pretty clear I like to ask and answer a lot of random-ass-questions. (Hence the weird polls I throw in sometimes at the end of my posts.) This is the internet, so I feel like it’s the best way to get to know each other. I mean, I’d rather take y’all out to lunch, buy some martinis, and ask everyone their most deepest personal thoughts on the newest Oreo flavor and do a contest of who can fit the most marshmallows in their mouth – but we don’t have that luxury. (The world deserves to know about your mouth capacity, though. So share if you know the answer.)

I was excited to be nominated for this ‘get to know you’ quiz by Fatty McCupcakes because the questions are totally random and not something you see every day. Go check her answers out – they are hilarious. 

So, here we go, friends:

1. Who are you named after? 

When my mom and dad bought their first house they hired a bunch of college kids to paint the outside for them. One of the guys, who my mom has told me numerous times when she recounts the story, was particularly hot. His name was Blair. She liked the name so much it was going to be my name whether I was a boy or girl. So, my mom named me after a sexy stranger. True story. Thanks, Mom!

2. Do you like your handwriting?

Not at all. I mean, I don’t have a serial-killer-slant or anything, but it’s pretty shitty for a 30-year-old. My husband always tells me it’s nice, but I figure he’s jaded by love so his opinion really doesn’t mean much.

3. What is your favorite lunch meat?

Does peanut butter and jelly with barbecue chips count? Those are the best sandwiches. I don’t really like lunch meat. *Gasp* I know, shocking! If I HAD to choose one, it would be turkey. A nice grilled cheese or pb & j sounds a lot yummier.

4. Longest relationship? 

Current one. We’ve only been married for 3 years and before that dated for barely one. So 4 years, even though that sounds super short. We’ve known each other since we were 12/13, though, so I feel like our relationship should count as 17. I’m a cheater.

5. Do you still have your tonsils?

Yes! I don’t think anyone in my family has had them removed. So, you’re looking at someone with Grade A throat genes. Consider yourself blessed.

6. Would you bungee jump? 

I’m way too much of a pussy to do anything that’s an unnecessary risk right now. Just being honest. I have some serious anxiety.

7. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

Hell no. That would include bending down. Way too much effort.

8. Favorite ice cream?

Okay, the majority of people won’t know what the hell this is… but the name of it is Hunka Chunka PB Fudge. It’s an ice cream you can only get at Friendly’s. So, if you live in the northeast of the US consider yourself lucky. A few years ago a grocery store here in NC started carrying their ice cream, but I have yet to see that flavor.  I had it for the first time last summer at a lone Friendly’s restaurant in Myrtle Beach – it was just as amazing as I remembered it. Mmm.

9. What is the first thing you notice about people?

If they are clean. That sounds so rude, but being hygienic in public is important to me. Greasy hair gives me the heebie jeebies. TAKE A SHOWER, PEOPLE!

10. Football or baseball? 

If I HAD to choose – football. The only one I really care about is college basketball, though. Go Syracuse! (Minus this year, because they suck donkey balls.)

11. What color pants are you wearing? 

Dark wash blue jeans.

12. Last thing you ate?

I haven’t had anything yet today, but last night I ate 10 walnuts before I went to sleep. Yes, I counted! TEN!

13. If you were a crayon what color would you be?

Poop brown.

14. Favorite smell?

Dunkin Donuts. Coffee mixed with pastries baking in the oven = best smell ever. Aromatherapy for me.

15. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?

My husband. He was calling on his way home from the gym to ask me if I wanted him to pick up something for dinner. He sure knows bringing me food is the way to my heart.

16. Hair color? 

Poop brown, yay! Boring, but still my favorite so I don’t bother dyeing it.

17. Eye color?

Poop brown. (Now are you understanding the crayon color choice?)

18. Favorite foods to eat?

Well, I want to say pizza, cupcakes, and bagels with cream cheese, but I don’t actually eat them anymore even though they are my favorites. My favorite thing to eat right now is celery and peanut butter. I crave it every day, and I eat it every day! I’m so lame.

19. Scary movies or happy endings? 

Happy endings! I don’t even watch scary movies. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. BRING ON THE CORNY DISNEY MOVIES!

20. Last movie you watched? 

Tangled – it was on TV last night. (See! 30 and still a child.)

21. Favorite holiday? 

Christmas. Alex and I just went through our basement and garage and I have over 6 boxes of Christmas decorations. SIX. It’s an addiction. I can’t imagine what it will be like when we actually have children. It’s going to look like Christmas threw up in our house.

22. Beer or wine? 

I don’t drink, but if I did – I’d choose wine

23. Night owl or early bird? 

Early bird! I’m lucky if I make it past 10 pm.

24. Favorite day of the week? 

All the days are the same for me but I guess I would choose Tuesdays because that’s when the new Dance Moms episodes are on. Feel free to judge me, it’s fine! It’s a terrible guilty pleasure I’ve had for the last 6-7 years. I can’t help it.

25: Which three of your favorite bloggers do you want to know more about? 

I want to know more about a lot of people – so I’m not going to nominate. I’d love to read everyone’s response. So, if you want to fill out the questions and post them, make sure you let me know in the comments so I can go read them.

 

adventures in awkward

I’ve had one of those headaches lately that’s so painful it feels like Satan is throwing a Pampered Chef party in my brain and the only thing he is  selling is a set of rusty knives. Since it’s a party – I’m assuming they are dancing, flailing them around, and getting a little stabby with each other while Hitler and Hussein invade each other’s territories in the bedroom. It is Hell, after all. As are those home-hosted parties that your friends guilt trip you into attending just to sell you crap you don’t really need. Man, I hate those. You have to go, though, or you’re not being supportive enough because this is the income they use to feed their children. You don’t want to be the reason little Betty Sue starves, do you? What about sweet young Gary? SO. MUCH. PRESSURE.

On the plus side, my migraine got me out of going to a SuperBowl party that I didn’t want to be at. The only problem was, was that the party was at my house. How awkward is it to go to a party when one of the hosts is hiding upstairs in a dark room crying as they eat buffalo wing dip with a spoon?  Kudos to my husband who had to answer the endless flow of questions about my whereabouts all night. Poor guy.

How did you spend your SuperBowl evening? Are you pissed the Patriots won? Do you not give a crap either way? Did you watch the Puppy or Kitten Bowl instead? (I recorded it so I could watch it later!)

I love polls, so answer this random question! Remember, it’s anonymous – so you have to answer truthfully! No one will know.

[Total_Soft_Poll id=”5″]

 

 

adventures in awkward

My laptop broke last night. As you can imagine, this caused a very mature reaction consisting of me screaming bloody murder as I drop-kicked it out the back door into a puddle. It’s now resting with a failed baking recipe I made that also got the heave-ho out the window yesterday. Classy, eh? I may or may not have an anger issue. The jury’s still out.  (The neighbor’s must think I’m slightly nuts, though, as there’s always things flying out of my house into the graveyard of my backyard.)

I was nominated for an award over the weekend, and thought I’d answer the questions I was asked. I’m not going to repost and fill it out like I’m supposed to, because where’s the fun in that? Rather than nominate other people, I asked some burning questions to y’all at the bottom of the post. Answer them, damn it! I mean…. please.

Here are the questions I was asked by EntirelyErika :

1.What made you want to blog?
2.If you could collaborate with one person on your blog, who would it be and why?
3.If you could meet one person {alive or dead} who would it be?
All 3 of these go together for me, so I’m going to answer it as one question. I would collaborate with the same people I would meet, which would be Walt Disney or JK Rowling. They are quite different, but they have both accomplished my #1 goal in life (minus having a happy family): to captivate an audience and inspire wonder. Whether I accomplish it through writing novels, screenplays, or blogs – one day I will do it. (I hope!)
4.You just won $1 million dollars, what do you do/buy?
A little farm in the middle of nowhere with sheep, goats, and chickens. And a month supply of Olive Garden’s bread sticks. 
5.How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
I’ll have to consult with my husband. He is the residential expert on wood.

Here are my questions for y’all. Answer them. Don’t answer them. Sit in the corner picking your nose and judging the rest of us who are cool enough to answer. Whatever floats your boat. 

  1. You’re stranded in the middle of nowhere with the cast of Friends. You can’t find any food, so your only way to survive is to turn into a cannibal. Which two do you eat first, and why?
  2. If you had to pick a theme song or movie that best represents your life, what would it be?
  3. What did you eat for dinner last night?
  4. Do you have a favorite blog post that you wrote and want to share? Post the link!

 

(Don’t worry – I always pick up the crap I throw out there. I’m not that weird.)

rambles

This post is going to get a little sticky, folks. If you’re one of those people who doesn’t enjoy a vivid bodily-function-story, you may want to skip this one. For everyone else: strap yourselves in and keep your eyes on the road. It’s about to get all taboo up in here.(You’ve been warned)  Let’s jump right in. 

Have you ever been out somewhere and had the sudden urge to go to the bathroom? Now, I’m not talking about drinking too much of your beloved Starbucks vanilla latte and taking a stroll over to the ladies room to pee. I’m talking about standing in the middle of the grocery store and getting a sharp pain that alerts you that a storms-a-brewin’. You’re forced to abandon your shopping cart and propel into a sprint past the front registers.  Don’t worry about all the customers and employees thinking you are crazy, there is just one goal: Get. To. The. Car. You can make it home, right? It’s only five minutes.

familypooper

You’ve driven this route a million times. You’re 100% sure you’re going to make it. Your seat heater is cranked. Your music is pumping. There’s no doubt you’ll be able to make it home and enjoy the privacy of your own bathroom. Hallelujah. Then it hits you again, and this time it’s harder. Your toes curl, you begin to sweat profusely, and everyone else driving on the road has turned into a ‘motherfucker who won’t get the hell out of the way.’ 

Creepy & curious minds (mine) want to know: how do you handle this situation?

PS – Be careful when adding more broccoli to your diet.

 

rambles

Well, it’s finally happened. I lost my virginity last night. I have to say — it was pretty magical. We were outside, clutching each other close underneath the Christmas lights.  It was…. perfect.

I finally got to pick out my first-ever live Christmas tree. Woooo. (Come on, guys. I’m married. How sad would it be if I actually was a virgin?) When I was growing up, we always had a fake one. My parents are practical, stuffy neat-freaks. Why the hell would you cut a tree down and bring it inside when it will cause a mess of pine needles all over the floor? Blasphemous! Since our cat is allergic to everything and your mother. (Yes, even YOUR mother. I mean — have you ever heard of a cat allergic to dogs? She’s quite special) We have never had a real tree because we were afraid it would bother her.

christmastreelotSadly, the tree won’t be living in our house due to the cat, but my in-laws still invited us to dinner and to help them pick their two out. For a Christmas fanatic — it tickled my fancy quite a bit.

But, we had a debate last night that needs to be settled. I’m really curious about y’all’s opinions: At the restaurant where we had dinner there was a man with a service dog next to us. He was an emotional support dog. The man was eating alone and sharing all of his food with the begging pup. When the man ran out of fries to supply to him, the dog started begging at nearby tables for random people’s food. Our opinions were all different at the table. If you were sitting at the table with us, what would you be thinking? (I don’t think the poll can be seen on the Reader)