adventures in awkward

Anyone else have an unhealthy relationship with Target? I’m a bit obsessed. I could spend hours walking up and down the aisles, sipping my overpriced Starbucks, and staring at all the bathroom decorations and trying to decide if it’s a good time to redecorate or not. The other day, Alex called me to make sure I was still alive and wondering if he should send a search party because I had been MIA for too long. It’s hard not to get consumed in there. I love it. I really do… but the employees hate me.

targetmeme

Target Cashier: Hi, how are you today? Did you find everything alright?

Me: I’m good, thanks. I found everything I needed. I’m just trying to convince myself to not get a Snickers. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort. I definitely don’t need one. You know what I’m saying?

Target Cashier: *awkward smile* Do you want to sign up for our RedCard today?

Me: No, thanks….. You know, I’m going for the it. Why not? I worked out today. Ate a salad for lunch. Plus… I’m already married. I would be going against nature if I didn’t gain weight and let myself go. So, I’m doing it. The decision is made. I’m about to kill this almond one. It’s only $1 anyways, right? That’s nothing. It’s totally worth it. Ring her up, kind lady.

Target Cashier: Okay. Do you want to donate $1 to end local child hunger?

Me: ….

Target Cashier: ….

Me: Why’d you have to make this awkward, Julie?

adventures in awkward, giveaways

Why does it seem like the majority of bloggers are much cooler than the people I meet in person? I’ve said this a few times here, but I’m reiterating because it seems strangely true. I’d rather fall ass-first into a dildo factory or have someone crap in my hand at a Broadway show and be forced to give a standing ovation than meet random schmucks in person. So, because I love you guys, and because the weather has been hot and sunny and putting this negative Nancy in a good mood, I wanted to do a small Amazon gift card giveaway this week.  I mean, who doesn’t want a free $20 to Amazon? They have just about everything. (And I can just email it out, so you don’t have to worry about me showing up at your doorstep with a meat pie made of roadkill I scraped off my driveway.)

I’m just doing this for fun, so the only thing you need to do in order for a chance to win is answer the question below in the comment section. You can enter up until Tuesday night 04/18 at 11:59pm EST. I’ll post the winner on Wednesday morning. If you have Amazon in whatever country you live in – you are eligible to win.

(Benny D. Sheep and the cat’s butt are not included in the giveaway. If you follow me on Twitter, Benny is the smaller version of the huge sheep I found in Kroger the other day. Isn’t he cute?)

Maybe one day I’ll actually make some sort of money of this blog, and I can start doing big giveaways. That would be fun.

Here’s the random question you need to answer in order to enter: If you could eat anything you wanted right now, what would it be?

adventures in awkward

Random-As-Shit Thursday Thoughts

1. I have a serious dislike for travel bloggers. They remind me of the people on Facebook who are constantly posting pictures of the things they do in their lives that make them seem so much more interesting and better than the ordinary schmoes like myself. “Here’s a photo of this quaint little cafe along the Rue de la Snooty in Paris. Everything is perfect here – even the way the sunlight reflects off my latte makes my tits look perkier!” It drives me insane. Especially the young ones. How in the world can young 20-year-olds afford to travel the world on a consistent basis and blog about it? HOW? Unless you’re one of ten people at that age that actually gets paid to do it. It makes no sense to me. Shouldn’t you people be working? Or in school? Or, you know, busy being poor? My 20’s sucked compared to them. (Also, I’m willing to admit this is 98% fueled by jealousy. I wish I had the means to constantly travel around further than my grocery store on a daily basis. I also love looking/reading about other countries. So, I really hate a love-hate-relationship with travel bloggers more than just a hate one..)


2. We are basically already in flip-flop weather here in North Carolina, so I’ve been trying to find home remedies to take care of my dry, crusty feet. They really are disgusting. I haven’t worn flip flops in at least two years because I’m afraid I’m going to scar a random child who catches a glimpse of them. This year we have beach trips planned so I figured I’d start now in getting these bad boys descaled. What is one of the cheapest/easiest recommendations I found? Castor oil. So, off to RiteAid I went.

Me: Hi, I’m looking for castor oil. You know, that stuff that pregnant women drink to induce labor? I read that it’s good for your skin, too, and I want to give it a whirl.

RiteAid Lady: Oh, sure! It’s over by the laxatives.

Me: Laxatives?

Lady: Yes, it’s commonly used to help with blockages.

Me: Women don’t poop out of their vaginas, though. I mean, I’ve only been alive for 30 years, but I’m pretty sure that’s right.

Lady: … No. No they don’t. There are definitely two holes down there.

Me: Three, actually. They don’t pee out of their vaginas, either. I don’t think you’re 30 yet, but some day you’ll know.

Lady: This is getting weird.

Poor woman didn’t know what she was getting into when she greeted me at the door. 


3. I was recently interviewed by a fellow blogger here on WordPress. If you want to take a gander, go visit it here 

Also, here’s the Random-Ass-Poll for this week! Remember, it’s anonymous!

[Total_Soft_Poll id=”6″]

cat lady chronicles, tuesday trivia

Fun Fact: Americans spend more money on pets in a year than Germany spends on its entire defense budget.

Damn right we do! Let’s face it… animals are better catvshumansthan people. There’s no chance Fido is going to hit on your husband and tell your mutual friends that he plans to grab his ass and pretend it was an accident. I doubt Lady Meowington gives a shit if you roll out of bed with Cheeto dust in your hair because you haven’t bothered to shower for a few days. She’d probably like you even more.

People suck. So… go on friends. Go out and buy a heated pet bed. Some specialty food. Spend $200+ dollars on a tree your cat is going to rip to shreds. A pink tutu for your dog. Okay, don’t do that last one. Dogs shouldn’t be in tutus. Seriously… don’t. You copy?

(I have an off topic question – have any of you gone from wordpress.com to .org? Did you have issues? Did you lose your followers? Comments? Do you still have access to the WP Reader? Yes, I’m slow and terrible with computers. Help a girl out!)

rambles

I hate that I’m one of those people that gets annoyed by so many things… The sound of people clipping their nails. The fact that it’s socially unacceptable for me to let my leg hair grow out. When I’m singing along with a song in the car and the artist gets it all wrong. That I can’t live a healthy life just on cupcakes. I could go on all day. One of the things that annoys me the most: when someone invents something that’s stupid as hell and becomes a millionaire.

How many people face-palmed when ‘silly bandz’ became popular a few years ago? Hell, I did.  Rubber bands in different shapes. That’s all they were. Yet, kids walked around for a solid year with them stacked all the way up to their armpits. There were hoards of them. Foaming at the mouth, begging and pleading their parents for them in every store I went into. For rubber bands. Rubber bands, people. The things that come free wrapped around your celery.

sexbands

Don’t even get me started on pet rocks. What the hell is with that?

I can’t tell you how many times stupid inventions have come around and it makes me question my intelligence. WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT?  BLAIR, YOU DUMBASS. Just think — we are all one stupid idea away of becoming millionaires and living the rest of our lives doing nothing but eat cake and be lazy. The true American dream.

 

marriage, rambles

Yesterday I had the pleasure of spending hundreds of dollars on plane tickets to attend the upcoming wedding of a cousin I haven’t spoken to in probably a decade. Now, I don’t want to sound like a Bitter Betty. I like to see people happy and in love. (Hell, I’m happy and in love and make people suffer through it. It’s only fair.) It’s simply because I don’t get the social convention of weddings. (I’m starting to feel a bit Sheldon Cooper-y, now.) I know. I’m a womanWhat the hell?

airplane

I’m 100% aware that I stand in the minority on this, so bear with me. I’m not trying to offend anyone. (If you get offended anyways, that’s okay) But, I just can’t wrap my mind around the amount of money people spend on a few hours. Obviously, this doesn’t apply to those lucky jerks who don’t have to worry about it. Screw you, by the way. (kidding, kidding)

I got to be part of the happiest day of my friend’s life last year. Woohoo. When we were getting ready she cried for an hour because the linens she ordered were off one shade of pink. Her flood of tears caused her mascara to run. It got onto her dress. When she couldn’t get the stain out a full on toddler-style meltdown ensued. She didn’t like the way her mom’s hair was styled so she ripped it out and went on a rampage and threw shit everywhere. I’m serious. (Needless to say, this shit show helped it become my favorite wedding thus far) Isn’t this supposed to be a great memory? How is being this high-strung count as fun? Was all of this worth $30,000? I just don’t get it.

Yes, I’m married. We got married in Vegas. The money my parents set aside for our wedding was given to us for a down-payment on a house instead. I just couldn’t let all that money be wasted on a big party. How boring and practical, right? Blah. Even I hate us.

So, I’ve come to the realization that I’m extremely weird and just may be failing at being a female. Well… you win some, you lose some, you know?