adventures in awkward

Ever love something so much you want to squeeze it so tight that its eyes pop out and guts burst all over your walls and decorate it with a nice red tinge? Sure, it’s a bit brutal like a scene from Dexter when he’s hacking the shit out of one of his victims and bathing in their blood, but that’s okay. It’s out of love, you know? My mom always told me it was the thought that counts, so… as long as you do it with good intentions it’s okay. (That’s how it works, right?) Anyways, the point of this ramble was to tell you guys that I love you. So much that I want to hug you so tight you can’t help but shit yourself. I really appreciate and have all the feels for this community.

Anyways, I was nominated for an award by R Cawkwell. Since I never follow to the rules to these things, I thought I’d answer the questions she asked, then turn and ask y’all questions of my own so we can learn more about each other. It’s a fun game, so answer them damn it! Or sit in the corner being a party pooper while you pick your nose. Whatever works.

She asked me:

  1. When did you start writing? I started writing poetry when I was in junior high. It was absolutely terrible, but it spawned my love for writing.
  2. Pluto: Planet or not? YES. Of course. Don’t disrespect Pluto just being it’s smaller than the others. Didn’t your parents teach you manners?
  3. Favorite place to write? At my desk, I’m not hipster enough to write in public.
  4. Pen or word processor for the first draft? Word processor. My hands hurt way too fast when I write by hand.
  5. If you were a mythical creature, what would you be? A hippogriff. Because, uh… Harry Potter kicks ass.

 

My questions for y’all:

  1. If you could recommend ONE show right now, what would it be?
  2. Would you rather spend the rest of your life with giant testicles on your chin, or having hooves instead of hands?
  3. If you could choose any celebrity to hit the sheets with, who would it be?
  4. Who’s your favorite blogger around these parts? (Besides me, obviously!)
adventures in awkward

When I was growing up I was sure I’d never marry. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, but because I was slightly overweight, thought the Disney channel shows meant for 12-year-olds were cool even in my late teens, and Kimmy Gibbler was, in my eyes, the best fashion icon of the next decade. Why weren’t boys into all of that? I’ll never know.  I labeled myself as undesirable. Which was a pretty shitty feeling to have when all the other kids in high school were groping each other at their lockers and talking about bumping uglies during their lunch period. I’m not gonna lie –  it’s hard to go through your awkward years feeling like nobody will ever want you like the rest of your peers. I had resigned to the fact that I didn’t deserve love, and I was actually at a point where I was okay with that. I’d be fine alone. I’d hoped. When Alex and I started dating I thought God was fucking with me. I was pretty sure he was just trying to pull off the cruelest prank imaginable to pay me back for all the times I cursed his name or wanted to punch a stranger in the face for no reason.

Have you ever heard that corny line, ‘find someone who makes you want to be a better person/version of yourself?‘ I always thought that line was such bullshit until it happened to me. Alex does this for me. I don’t think the man has ever had a negative/judgmental thought about anyone on the planet. Even when it’s just the two of us together. I never thought I deserved a man who would be thoughtful enough to jump up and do the dishes every night after I cook so I don’t have to. Or scoop the litter boxes for cats that I had to have, even though he’s a dog lover. A man that loves me when I’m losing weight, gaining weight, crying because my hormones are making me even crazier than I truly am, or when I’m dancing and serenading the cats in the most embarrassing way possible. A man that supports me and truly believes I can accomplish my goal of being a successful writer someday. Or someone who would, without repayment or acknowledgment, help a stranger on the street regardless of who or where they were and what he had to do in order to help. (Listing these is making me cry, so I’m going to stop here!)

I don’t know what I did to deserve Alex, but I honestly wake up every morning feeling like the luckiest woman alive. Everyone deserves an Alex. I hope you all find one, because everyone deserves a love like his.

Today is his birthday, which spawned this overly sappy/corny post that I don’t usually do. Happy Birthday, Alex! Thanks for making a socially awkward, undesirable nerd feel so loved.

 

adventures in awkward

Reading the news always makes me feel a lot better about my life. Well, not the politics. I avoid that because I’m pretty sure if cancer was personified it would be 99% of the politicians roaming around Washington clinking their drinks together every time they make a terrible decision. It’s a big, toxic, suck-fest over there. I’m just talking about normal news – the type that highlights the embarrassing stupidity of the population. Like this picture:

I saw this picture last night, and, well… I had so many questions. How do you stab someone with a squirrel? With it’s buckteeth? It’s tiny claws? Did someone sharpen it? Was it rabid and she unleashed it from its cage of doom? I was happy to find out that it was just a ceramic squirrel and no real ones were hurt in the process. Even so, the guy had it coming – he forgot to buy her beer. Who the fuck does that? He forgot the beer? Crucial mistake.  (Is it bad I was more concerned for the squirrel’s well-being than the man’s? I’m weird.)

Then there’s this one:

At first I thought ‘Wow! Who the fuck are these people? Dildo throwing? Trashy.’ I didn’t do this shit at my wedding! It was a classy affair. Except, the more that I think of it… I’m a little jealous. It seems pretty funny. That’s actually the type of shit I would enjoy. Flying dildos. How memorable would that be? There’s a few of my family members that could use a dildo or two to the face. I feel like I need to find a dildo, dip it in water, and throw it on someone as a prank now. Sounds traumatizing. I love it.

Happy Valentine’s Day, people. Just wanted to say on this overly-commercialized-greeting-card-company-holiday that I appreciate every single one of you. I hope you have a great day with your loved ones. If you are in a committed relationship – you should be telling your significant other you love and appreciate them every day, not just today. If you are single, just remember – you could be one of those assholes in the news articles up there. Single life ain’t so bad.

What are your plans for the day? Have you received/given any gifts for Valentine’s? I still haven’t bought anything for my husband. Pretty sure I’m just going to go to the gift wrapping section in Target and get some frilly bows to stick to my nipples. Shopping for men… so easy.

cat lady chronicles, marriage, things that matter

Although we look at Valentine’s Day as ‘commercial’ in my house, I still can’t condemn a holiday that boasts love. All you really need in life is love and chocolate, right? So, that’s what Alex and I will be focusing on today – making chocolate cookies smothered in huge globs of frosting. (Let’s face it … cake,cupcakes, and cookies are really just vehicles for however much frosting you can pile on and shove down your throat.)  Needless to say … it’s going to be a good day. 

Still, I wanted to share some things I love. They really shouldn’t come as a surprise since I talk about them often, but I never put  legitimate pictures/videos up of people.

alexziggy

Alex, who shares my love for animals and married me despite all of my craziness. 

pixsbed

Pix – my spoiled kitty who is obsessed with her heated bed

strikeapose

Tora – only 4 months old, but knows how to work a camera

Happy Valentine’s Day, guys. Hope y’all have a great day. Remember – you don’t have to be in a relationship to enjoy today. There are plenty of other important things to love on.

rambles

I’ve never really understood Valentine’s Day. If it takes corporate America to force you into proving your love to someone… chances are y’all ain’t gonna make it. Sorry folks. But, I can’t completely condemn a holiday that emphasizes something positive. Especially one that’s often paired with champagne and chocolate. Or cheesecake. Mmm… cheesecake.

Do chocolates, roses, and jewelry do it for you? Do you expect to come home to rose petals strewn across the bed while your partner is naked and covered in sushi? A stuffed bear holding a fuzzy heart? A surprise couples massage and a rub down by a sexy masseuse named Antonio? (or, if you prefer women — a sexy masseuse named Sophia)catvalentinesday

It seems like Valentine’s day evokes a lot of different feelings for people. I’m genuinely curious where you stand.

 

 

marriage

Marriage is awesome. Not only do you get to share everything in your life with someone, cook for them, and clean up after them. It also gives you the chance to come to terms with things that embarrass the hell out of you. Like the smell you leave behind in the bathroom after your morning cup of coffee, or the daunting idea that someone besides your mother will know you have hair that grows above your lip that you have to wax. Or, in my case — having the sleep farts.

funny-love-couples-farts

I don’t know if having relaxed muscles and letting wind escape in the middle of the night is common or not, but imagine the horror I felt when I came to the realization it was uncontrollable. There was no more running to the bathroom and pulling my butt cheeks apart to let them silently escape and I could only blame the random noises in the middle of the night on our cat so many times.  I was all in. I was married. I had to own up to it, and get over it. Man, the first year of marriage was interesting. I’ve become a lot more comfortable about the weird things I do in private since then. Obviously.

Another perk of being married: I’ve been able to try different careers out without any training. I’ve been a masseuse. A chef. And,most commonly — a barber. Would you trust me with scissors around your hair? You probably shouldn’t. One time, I cut a huge chunk off the top of Alex’s hair, which forced him to wear a hat for a month. But, he forgave me, and here I am… still holding the title of the resident barber. Bless his heart.

On a serious note: Find the person that treats you right and makes you happy. Don’t let go. Whether you want to get married or not… there’s no greater feeling than being blindly in love.