adventures in awkward

I woke up yesterday feeling like I was upchucked by Satan… which I can’t say I was too disappointed about. It gave me a legitimate reason to do nothing but be a lazy sack all day. Score!  But, as I laid here in a mush of blankets with tissues corkscrewed into my nose,  (I really know how to turn a person on.) I discovered two things:

  1. I never add my own personal pictures to my posts. What the hell?  It’s something I really need to work on.
  2. Too much cold medicine makes you do weird things.

So… here’s a picture of my husband trying to shove himself into a pet carrier.

petcarrier

Why, you ask?

Because why the hell not.

adventures in awkward

When I was growing up I was sure I’d never marry. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, but because I was slightly overweight, thought the Disney channel shows meant for 12-year-olds were cool even in my late teens, and Kimmy Gibbler was, in my eyes, the best fashion icon of the next decade. Why weren’t boys into all of that? I’ll never know.  I labeled myself as undesirable. Which was a pretty shitty feeling to have when all the other kids in high school were groping each other at their lockers and talking about bumping uglies during their lunch period. I’m not gonna lie –  it’s hard to go through your awkward years feeling like nobody will ever want you like the rest of your peers. I had resigned to the fact that I didn’t deserve love, and I was actually at a point where I was okay with that. I’d be fine alone. I’d hoped. When Alex and I started dating I thought God was fucking with me. I was pretty sure he was just trying to pull off the cruelest prank imaginable to pay me back for all the times I cursed his name or wanted to punch a stranger in the face for no reason.

Have you ever heard that corny line, ‘find someone who makes you want to be a better person/version of yourself?‘ I always thought that line was such bullshit until it happened to me. Alex does this for me. I don’t think the man has ever had a negative/judgmental thought about anyone on the planet. Even when it’s just the two of us together. I never thought I deserved a man who would be thoughtful enough to jump up and do the dishes every night after I cook so I don’t have to. Or scoop the litter boxes for cats that I had to have, even though he’s a dog lover. A man that loves me when I’m losing weight, gaining weight, crying because my hormones are making me even crazier than I truly am, or when I’m dancing and serenading the cats in the most embarrassing way possible. A man that supports me and truly believes I can accomplish my goal of being a successful writer someday. Or someone who would, without repayment or acknowledgment, help a stranger on the street regardless of who or where they were and what he had to do in order to help. (Listing these is making me cry, so I’m going to stop here!)

I don’t know what I did to deserve Alex, but I honestly wake up every morning feeling like the luckiest woman alive. Everyone deserves an Alex. I hope you all find one, because everyone deserves a love like his.

Today is his birthday, which spawned this overly sappy/corny post that I don’t usually do. Happy Birthday, Alex! Thanks for making a socially awkward, undesirable nerd feel so loved.

 

marriage

Today is Alex and my wedding anniversary. Can we give him a round of applause, please? Dealing with me on a daily basis is a whole roller-coaster of crazy. And not a fun one where you scream, throw your hands in the air, and make a plan with your friends to give a big thumbs-up and a cheesy grin to the camera as you zoom by on the rails. Keep your arms and legs inside the cart at all times, folks, or you might lose one. 

toystoryhug

Even though I’m a bit crazy, our marriage is quite the opposite. We have an easy, respectful and loving relationship, and I couldn’t possibly be more grateful. I thought it would be fun to share a poem I wrote for Alex this year. Now, let me forewarn you: an 8-year-old has better poetry skills than I do. (I probably haven’t written one since then, anyway) This poem was meant to be a silly joke, and that’s all.

“Oh Alex, I really love you
And the way that you love me
Your butt, your smile, your sense of humor,
Jesus, you make me so crazy.

You’re sexy when you’re cleaning
Take charge of that litter box!
Hurry up, now. I can’t stand it
Strip down into your socks!

Thank you for accepting me,
Farts, hairiness, and all
Even when I shed like crazy,
And leave it on the shower wall

I’ll love you ’til you’re old and wrinkly,
I’m honored to be your wife
You’re stuck with me forever, babe
I’m yo bitch fo’ life”

I know, I know. I won’t quit my day job. 

marriage

Marriage is awesome. Not only do you get to share everything in your life with someone, cook for them, and clean up after them. It also gives you the chance to come to terms with things that embarrass the hell out of you. Like the smell you leave behind in the bathroom after your morning cup of coffee, or the daunting idea that someone besides your mother will know you have hair that grows above your lip that you have to wax. Or, in my case — having the sleep farts.

funny-love-couples-farts

I don’t know if having relaxed muscles and letting wind escape in the middle of the night is common or not, but imagine the horror I felt when I came to the realization it was uncontrollable. There was no more running to the bathroom and pulling my butt cheeks apart to let them silently escape and I could only blame the random noises in the middle of the night on our cat so many times.  I was all in. I was married. I had to own up to it, and get over it. Man, the first year of marriage was interesting. I’ve become a lot more comfortable about the weird things I do in private since then. Obviously.

Another perk of being married: I’ve been able to try different careers out without any training. I’ve been a masseuse. A chef. And,most commonly — a barber. Would you trust me with scissors around your hair? You probably shouldn’t. One time, I cut a huge chunk off the top of Alex’s hair, which forced him to wear a hat for a month. But, he forgave me, and here I am… still holding the title of the resident barber. Bless his heart.

On a serious note: Find the person that treats you right and makes you happy. Don’t let go. Whether you want to get married or not… there’s no greater feeling than being blindly in love.

cat lady chronicles, marriage, rambles

I woke up yesterday feeling like I was upchucked by Satan… which, I can’t say I was too disappointed about. It gave me a legitimate reason to do nothing but be a lazy sack all day. Score! But, as I laid here in a mush of blankets with tissues corkscrewed into nose (sexy, eh?) I discovered two things:

  1. I never add pictures to my posts. What the hell?  That’s boring and something that needs to be changed.
  2. Too much cold medicine makes you do weird things.

So… here’s a picture of my husband trying to shove himself into a pet carrier.

petcarrier

Why, you ask? Because why the hell not.

marriage

Every time I start a new diet (which is way more often than I’d like to admit) I always tell my husband not to let me eat specific things.  He always gives me a funny look and says something along the lines of “I don’t know… I really don’t want to tell you when to not eat something…” to which I promise him it’s 100% okay because I’m giving him permission and I want him to. Then a few days later when I want something from the list of forbidden foods, I get pissed at him for having the audacity to tell me I shouldn’t eat it. Seriously, how dare he? I’m a grown ass woman, if I want a piece of cake I’m going to eat a damn piece of cake. Get out of here.

When I feel like starting a diet all over again, I swear up-and-down that this time it’s going to be different. Of course, the cycle always repeats itself.

Poor Alex… marriage has been rough on him.

conversations

Things you don’t want to overhear when you’re waiting in line at the grocery store after church:

Random woman: I’m so glad I’m finally buying a new razor, it’s really bad down there. If Cousin Itt had a vagina…

Random man: Don’t say that in public!

Random woman: They can’t hear me… I said it quietly…

Me: Do you need to go ahead of us? It seems like you have something important to tend to…

Man: …………………………….

Woman: …………………………..

Alex: …………………………

Of course, Alex scolded me in the car for not minding my own business. I think he was slightly embarrassed. Could I have ignored it and not said anything? Yes. Would that have been as fun? No way.

marriage

You know you have an atypical marriage when silly conversations like this are normal:

Me: If you ever cheated on me I’d probably kill you.

Alex: I’d never do that, so…………….

Me: Well… I was just trying to be the bigger person and give you a heads up.

Alex: If you cheated on me I’d rip your boobs off and make them into a pillow.

Me: ……… you’ve gone way too far, psycho.

Alex: At least I’m letting you live. 

Me: Uhh… thanks, I guess?