adventures in awkward

I’ve been having one of those child-like moments where I’m desperately missing my family. Seems strange, considering I just saw them last month and they were driving me crazy, but my mind functions as well as a hamster’s so you really can’t expect much. I’m also suffering from terrible writer’s block, so I thought I’d share one of my all-time favorite posts from two years ago that involves my mother. Here we go…

“You know how parents are ultra embarrassing when you’re growing up? Maybe it’s their undying love of Birkenstocks, or when they try to say trendy things like “that’s cray” and “chillax,” or even how they clip their toenails onto their plate after they finish eating. Well, at the ripe age of 28, I’ve come to the realization that this embarrassment never ends. It just evolves into something different.

palmspringspoolsign

(picture taken in Palm Springs, CA this past summer)

Mom: Blair, did you see this sign? Maybe you shouldn’t swim today.

Me: Uh… I’m fine, mom. No diarrhea here.

Mom: But, I saw you rush to the bathroom when I was getting water in the middle of the night. I just assumed it was urgent. Is everything working okay down there? Have you seen a doctor lately? Diarrhea can make you dehydrated. Make sure you drink more water today.

Me: Thanks, mom. I’m good. Just a routine visit in the night.

Mom: Do you remember that time you pooped in the bath tub when you were with your sister? I can think of a couple times you went in the water when you were little. I don’t know what it was… but, you liked to let loose once you hit water. I think it relaxed you. It was so weird.

What’s more humiliating: my mom deciding to loudly discuss my issues in public, or the woman who was frantically pulling her kids out of the water while they were crying, thinking there was actually a possibility I would crap in there? Thanks for the vote of confidence, lady. I’m almost 30.”

(Man… I miss being 28. I’m getting so damn old.)

adventures in awkward

Random As Shit Thoughts On A Friday

1. Do you guys ever get to the point where you’re so overtired you laugh at nothing? This always happens to me. Alex and I will be watching something serious on TV at night and I burst out laughing over some fleeting thought, and he stares at me awkwardly like I’ve suddenly sprout an extra head or the skin on my face is melting off. I call these the night crazies. They make me laugh so hard I start gagging. It’s actually pretty fun. Last night I walked into the room where Alex was watching a soccer game (or football, for all you fancy EU folks.) I glanced at the TV for a second and realized the goalie’s last name was Areola. AREOLA. I laughed so hard that it felt as someone kicked me in the stomach. Could you imagine growing up with that last name? Poor guy. (Honestly, I have a childlike sense of humor, so I probably would have found this funny even if I wasn’t overtired.)

2. I know most of you shop on Amazon… right? In 2017, I’d actually be a bit concerned if you didn’t. Anyways, I added a link to my sidebar that leads to the front page of Amazon. There is nothing different about it, except I’ll get a tiny kickback from ‘recommending you use Amazon.’ This is a humor blog, so I don’t intend on trying to actually sell anything off Amazon to you guys, but if you use my link it will help support me/my site at no extra cost to you. If you do use it, I truly appreciate it.

3. If you’re following the saga of Neighbor Boy (you know, that prick in my cul-de-sac that wrote with permanent marker all over my car?) After a month-long lull in activity, it has peaked again. We had workers at our house last week redoing our deck, and apparently they caught Douche Boy throwing eggs at their work truck. Seriously. This kid just randomly walks out and throws eggs at a car in someone else’s driveway. Who the fuck does that? The day after that, he walked to the middle of our cul-de-sac, smashed plates, watched the shards fly everywhere, then ran back inside. So, we finally went over and spoke to his dad. Hopefully it changes something. We really need to move…

Just wanted to add in – RIP to Chester Bennington. I cannot emphasize the impact Linkin Park had on me while I was growing up. Their old music still gives me the massive feels every time I listen to it. Please, if anyone is having/knows someone who is having thoughts of suicide… reach out for help. 

adventures in awkward

 

There is no better way to start off the summer than being trapped in the same house as your entire family for a week. Well, as long as you’re willing to have zero alone time, be bombarded by whiny kids, and have your mother nag you from the moment you take your first sip of coffee until you finally decide to sneak off to bed at 8 pm to find solace from some boring TV show. Learn from me, friends… don’t share a big house with a bunch of adult family members and little kids. The insanity is enough to make you want to rip your hair out and weave them into intricate dolls just to watch them burst into flames when you try to saute them on the stove. It’s maddening.

For the most part… we had a good time at the beach. (Even though I got so burned the first day out I had to spend the next three days in hiding.) Since I have a sun allergy, my entire body ended up covered in red bumpy scales and I was doomed to look like an albino cobra the rest of the trip. It was unsightly. Seriously.  I’m thankful to have a husband that is never embarrassed to be seen with me. Because, wow… it was disturbing. My face looked like it was half blistered and melting off. I can only imagine how many kids I’ve scarred for life.

Anyways, I’m happy to finally be back. Ready to start catching up and reading everyone’s blogs.

Happy 4th of July to my fellow Americans. Hope you all still have your arms and didn’t blow them up from a fireworks mishap.

Also, I have another trip in August coming up where we will be sharing a house with Alex’s entire family this time. I’m going to need everyone to form a prayer circle for me. Please keep me in your thoughts. I will need all the strength and support I can get.

(Am I the only one that finds a sick satisfaction in peeling off the skin after a sunburn? I’m like a snake molting. Ah…)

 

adventures in awkward

I wish depression was tangible so I could go all Lizzie Borden on its ass and swing an ax in its face 40 times. That’d be fair, right? Something has to be done because it’s not like it’s doing me any favors or anything. I’ve been hiding lately because, well… my brain has been in timeout. I should be back functioning and writing more often soon. There really needs to be a pause button on racing thoughts/doubt/paranoia/crazyshit so they aren’t constantly flooding our heads. All I need is a break. Is that too much to ask?

bringiton

Alex and I are desperately counting down the days until we are able to leave for vacation. This weekend we are going to the mountains to hike/find waterfalls and stay in a resort in western North Carolina. At the end of June, we will meet up with my family and stay in the Outer Banks at a beach house for a week. We are so close, yet so far. In the meantime, I found this hilarious list on Reddit about real reviews of vacations people went on. Sometimes the stupidity of people is the best way to brighten your day. They are a good reminder that, hey… at least you don’t live life with your thumb in your ass and no common sense.

Here we go…

“They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”  (Are you married to a toddler?  Surprisingly, people have the ability to control what they look at! Crazy, isn’t it?)

“The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”  

“No one told us there’d be fish in the water. The children were scared.” (Stop raising pussies. They don’t contribute much to society.)

(Don’t get your panties in a twist. I’m just kidding.)

buzzlife
“Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.” (It’s called a knife in most countries, dipshit.)

“I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard cremes or ginger nuts.” (What the hell are these things? I’ve never heard of them!)

“It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

“When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”

“It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”  (Did you want the operator to change your Depends for you too?)

“I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure didn’t mention mosquitoes.”

We are surrounded by geniuses, folks. Be scared.

Do you have any plans for relaxing this summer? Vacations? Staycations? Laying around on the couch like a vegetable while you stuff yourself full of ice cream and margaritas?

adventures in awkward

Remember when the hardest decision you’d have to face all day was what flavor Kool-Aid you wanted to have? It was an important choice, fueled by the fear that if you didn’t pick the right one it wouldn’t complement the taste of your Flintstone’s vitamins. I ate those like crack when I was a kid. When my mom wasn’t looking I’d crawl onto the counter and steal an entire handful and shove them into my grubby little mouth. She caught me once, and moved them to a place where I couldn’t reach no matter how hard I tried. That was the first time I remember wishing that fire would rain down on her. How dare she do such a thing! The nerve of that woman.

flintstones

Yesterday Alex and I were having a lengthy conversation about Hot Pockets. I know… wtf, right? We talk about some random shit in my house. Hot Pockets aren’t exempt. When I was a kid, I thought Hot Pockets were the best invention. I even wrote a small report on them for school about their greatness. I thought that they were packaged in something that would, quite literally, keep them hot while they were in your pocket. Great for people who wanted a snack while they were in class or people who couldn’t take a break at work. I was amazed. What a genius idea.

So, I didn’t grow up wanting to be a ballerina or a veterinarian. I grew up wanting to work for whoever made Hot Pockets. My parents wanted me to aim high. So I did.

buzzlightyearkids

I love the innocence of childhood. Luckily, I’m surrounded by young nieces and nephews to remind me how great life is when you’re young. Actually, I’m going to leave y’all with a joke my 4-year-old niece told me last weekend that had her rolling around in laughter.

A hippo put on a purple coat.

 

…….. I wish I was as funny as her.

Also, Happy (late) Mother’s Day to all the Mom’s that read here. Y’all are strong, kickass women. I raise my invisible morning mimosa to you!

adventures in awkward, giveaways

I’m not sure if it’s allergies. the weather changing, or something a bit more sinister, but lately I’ve had such a bad migraine I wonder if I’m moments away from my brain exploding and decorating the walls of my home. Which I imagine would be quite painful and life-ending, but who knows, I could be the originator of the next great home design trend. Not that I want other people’s brains to end up on their walls – but maybe red paint thrown against the wall like blood spatter will be the next big thing. That’s something to look forward to, right? Being a trendsetter? There’s always a silver lining if you search hard enough.

I’ve been meaning to pick up the frequency of my posts again this past week, but with family over for Easter and Satan plaguing me with the migraine from hell, I’ve been a bit distracted. I actually didn’t put it together until right now, but maybe there’s a connection. I think I’m being bitch-slapped by the devil on the holiest of holidays. I’m convinced.

Anyways… thanks to everyone for entering the giveaway to win a $20 Amazon gift card. It was fun to see all the yummy food everyone was craving, and exceedingly torturous at the same time for someone who eats a very strict diet. I asked for it, though!

The winner, who was drawn at random is…. zongrik ! The food she was craving at the time she commented was mango slices. Mmmm. Very summery and refreshing. I’d definitely go for that.

(zongrik – email me within a week at theshamefulsheep@yahoo.com, and I’ll send the gift card your way!)

Do any of you ever read funny Amazon reviews? They seriously kill me.

adventures in awkward

Reading the news always makes me feel a lot better about my life. Well, not the politics. I avoid that because I’m pretty sure if cancer was personified it would be 99% of the politicians roaming around Washington clinking their drinks together every time they make a terrible decision. It’s a big, toxic, suck-fest over there. I’m just talking about normal news – the type that highlights the embarrassing stupidity of the population. Like this picture:

I saw this picture last night, and, well… I had so many questions. How do you stab someone with a squirrel? With it’s buckteeth? It’s tiny claws? Did someone sharpen it? Was it rabid and she unleashed it from its cage of doom? I was happy to find out that it was just a ceramic squirrel and no real ones were hurt in the process. Even so, the guy had it coming – he forgot to buy her beer. Who the fuck does that? He forgot the beer? Crucial mistake.  (Is it bad I was more concerned for the squirrel’s well-being than the man’s? I’m weird.)

Then there’s this one:

At first I thought ‘Wow! Who the fuck are these people? Dildo throwing? Trashy.’ I didn’t do this shit at my wedding! It was a classy affair. Except, the more that I think of it… I’m a little jealous. It seems pretty funny. That’s actually the type of shit I would enjoy. Flying dildos. How memorable would that be? There’s a few of my family members that could use a dildo or two to the face. I feel like I need to find a dildo, dip it in water, and throw it on someone as a prank now. Sounds traumatizing. I love it.

Happy Valentine’s Day, people. Just wanted to say on this overly-commercialized-greeting-card-company-holiday that I appreciate every single one of you. I hope you have a great day with your loved ones. If you are in a committed relationship – you should be telling your significant other you love and appreciate them every day, not just today. If you are single, just remember – you could be one of those assholes in the news articles up there. Single life ain’t so bad.

What are your plans for the day? Have you received/given any gifts for Valentine’s? I still haven’t bought anything for my husband. Pretty sure I’m just going to go to the gift wrapping section in Target and get some frilly bows to stick to my nipples. Shopping for men… so easy.

adventures in awkward

Random-As-Shit Thursday Thoughts

Long before I started this blog, I had a baking blog. SURPRISE! If I could do anything when I grow up (forget for a moment that I’m 30, married, and spend the majority of my nights knitting as I watch Golden Girls reruns like a crotchety old woman) besides writing, I would be a chef/baker. I’ve thought about revisiting the old blog a lot lately, but… I have a serious problem. What the hell do I do with all the shit I make? I can’t eat all that sugar. I don’t understand how people who are baking things three times a week at home avoid weighing 600 pounds? Where does it go? Who can I pawn stuff off to? WHAT DO I DO? 

I’ve made a dire mistake. I offered my brother-in-law and his family of five to stay in our house for a few weeks. They are moving out of a rental house and buying one, but for some reason the bank has put a short delay on the loan process. I was in a good mood and trying to be extra kind for a change, but the second I got home the panic set in. What did I get myself into? As someone with pretty severe social anxiety, having five extra people in my house 24/7 is the stuff of nightmares. How am I going to avoid them without seeming rude? *Deep breath* 32 days left until we are invaded by messy children and hell rains down on the Sheep household. Pray for us.

I would rather have my nipples bit by ravenous mosquitoes than go to the gym, but I’ve been making a concentrated effort lately because I wanted to kick off February strong. Now, to preface this story, I have to let y’all know I have a severe bathroom phobia. When you throw in the ‘gym’ factor – where every ass that touches the seat is smelly and covered in sweat – it gets a thousand times worse. I had to pee so badly yesterday, but I thought it would be smarter to hold it. Well, that was until I got to the squat machine and peed myself a little. Yep, I peed myself. In public. Like a three-year-old who didn’t want to use the potty. For shame. 

adventures in awkward

I like to think I’m a mature adult even though I’m 100% guilty of randomly losing my shit in laughter over things like farts and people falling down. What can I say? Sometimes it’s hard to keep your cool when farts sound like quacking ducks and when you get to witness first hand someone so engrossed in their phone that they trip over their own feet. I love to watch  as their phone flies into a nearby puddle and everyone stops what they are doing and stares at them like they are their pathetic Aunt Judy who had too much to drink and wet herself on Thanksgiving last year. Everyone has a crazy family member like that. Judy never learns, does she? Damn it, Judy! For shame.

 I’m the self-proclaimed queen of laughing at inappropriate times. It’s not immaturity, though, right? Maybe I just have a great sense of humor. That’s it. That’s what I’m going with.

awkwardlaugh

In late June, Alex and I went on a road trip to Michigan to go to my cousin’s wedding. Honestly, I’m not close to my extended family. At all. We live far apart and I have more in common with my neighbor’s pet rabbit that eats it’s own poop than I have with the majority of them. They are nice people, though, and since we turned down the last two wedding invitations, we felt obligated to make an appearance this time. We crammed a lot of driving into a short period, and by the time the wedding ceremony rolled around… we were exhausted. I was well into the zone of being sorely overtired. When I get to that point- I have severe issues controlling myself. You know, when you’re so tired you would probably succumb to laughter even over something as lame as a popsicle-stick-joke. It’s tough for me. Really tough.

So, when the girl in the pew in front of us was audibly complaining to her mom about her tights making her underwear ride up her butt, I couldn’t help it. She was soon deep up there, digging a wedgie out for a solid minute. Fingers jammed up her butt as she danced around in place trying to get it free. I lost it. In the middle of a quiet church ceremony that was actually quite beautiful and romantic. The mood was ruined. Everyone turned and stared at me in abject horror. I could feel the death stares burning holes through my skin. It was awkward as hell. I grabbed my shit and got out of there while I still had a little self-respect left.

That was the day I came to the sad realization that I’m the Judy of my family. Not that I’ve wet myself on a holiday yet, but I’m only 29. There’s still time to accomplish that goal.theresalwaysone

 

Silver lining – maybe I won’t be invited to any more weddings.

(Random note – 16 more days left until Fall! I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of it being so hot I can’t step outside without my nipples feeling like they are roasting off. Woo, hurry up, Fall!)

rambles

When I was 13 my mom came to pick me up from school with tissues corkscrewed in her nose and pajamas with pink bunnies plastered all over them. Her go-to method of punishment was always embarrassment. If I was going to call my teacher a bitch and my behavior was going to embarrass her, she was going to storm in freshly rolled out of bed and looking like a hot mess to embarrass me. And, believe me… it worked. Every. Damn. Time. One time I got suspended from school for drinking and she came to pick me up during the lunch period with Baby Got Back blasting from the car. Believe me, there’s nothing more embarrassing at the age of 17 than your mom rapping about big butts while she raises the roof in front of your entire school. Cringe.

loreleis

My parents live on the complete opposite side of the country from us so we only see them one or two times a year. Honestly… it’s painful. Even though I live in the same town as Alex’s entire family and see his mom multiple times a week, nothing will ever be the same as MY mom and MY family. Yes, you can be 29 and married with a life of your own and still miss your mom. Don’t judge, guys. Didn’t your mother teach you that?

So, early Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms around these parts. I know there are a lot. Thanks for being strong kick-ass women. My respect for y’all runs deep.

(Yes, I’m posting my Mother’s Day post early because, let’s face it – everyone is going to post their’s on Sunday. This way you won’t be like ‘dear lord, another Mother’s Day post? Haven’t I read a million of these today already?’ BAM.)

(Also, I was a really good kid. These are literally the only two times I ever got in trouble at school.)