adventures in awkward

Random-As-Shit Thursday Thoughts

1. I read an article two years ago that a study found men’s beards to be stocked full of poop. Not literal chunks or anything, just the poop particles that float around because people are God-awful at washing their hands. (Don’t be like that, assholes. Wash your damn hands! Do you really want to bear the responsibility of a stranger accidentally putting your poop in their mouths?) Anyways, I’ve been using this as a reason to convince my husband not to grow his beard too long. “The longer it gets, the poopier it smells!” or “If I get pink eye from hugging you, hell is going to rain down!” Well, he discovered that it was somewhat of a myth, sadly. Beards aren’t more likely to have poop in them than any other thing in the world thanks to nasty ass people. Guess I’ll have to start getting used to the fact he might look like the next hillbilly that rolls out of Duck Dynasty.

2. Is anyone going crazy with summer right around the corner, counting down the days until they can go on vacation? It feels like this every year for me the second Spring is in full swing. It’s all I can think about doing. Man, we have a few trips planned for the beach in the next couple months, and I’m literally crossing off days on the calendar one-by-one until we get there. It’s like my body is craving it. Granted, our first week-long trip is sharing a beach house with my entire family, and the second one is sharing a house with Alex’s entire family. I’m not sure these are the ideal ‘relaxation’ vacations, but I figure it will at least be fun. Or we might return home crazier than we left. Who knows. It will be a fun experiment. Do you have any vacation plans you are looking forward to?

3. The other day I saw an article about women now choosing to “free bleed.” You know, not using any tampons/pads and just letting it flow wherever it goes. It cited a woman running a marathon in white shorts covered in blood, and an Instagram post of a woman bleeding while doing yoga. I was… disturbed. I understand it’s a normal body function and all, but no. JUST NO. STOP IT. I know it’s 2017, but some shit doesn’t need to be shared, you lunatics!

adventures in awkward

When I was young there was a woman who lived across the street from me that I had on good authority to be a witch. She lived in a small one-story house closed in by a tall wooden fence with paint chipping off, and covered in a shade of pine trees. Let’s be real here – she scared the ever-living shit out of me and all of the other kids I knew. Theories flooded the neighborhood, and when you’re an impressionable six-year-old, it’s not a big leap into believing she killed her husband and let her dog eat his corpse in some sort of sadistic ritual. I was convinced. Every time I saw her walking her massive German Shepherd down the street, I clutched my Cabbage Patch Kid, hid, and sent out a few prayers. She frightened me so much I’d start crying if I was alone outside, or if I thought she caught me through a window. It was a truly terrifying time. She was my Boo Radley.

I’ve had an ongoing issue with one of the neighborhood kids in my cul-de-sac. I’ve posted about him before – making him swim in dog-poop-water, and kicking him in the balls one night when he walked – without knocking – in my front door. To sum it up, he’s a kid that has no respect for anybody and has asshole parents that don’t pay attention to him. I haven’t had much issue with him lately, except for the fact he leaves shit in my yard all the time even after I ask him multiple times to move them. So, I decided to start storing them in my garage for him, you know, so they don’t get ruined. I wouldn’t want his pretty new bike to get rusted or something, right? Okay, I’m a petty thief. I’ll admit it.  I noticed him yesterday evening knocking on every person’s door but mine looking for his bike. He would glance over towards our house, but he was too afraid to come ask. I even went outside to get the mail, giving him a chance to talk to me in a neutral area, but he scurried away inside the second I started to emerge.

This kid literally ran away from me and was willing to give up his new bike just so he didn’t have to talk to me. That’s pretty bad. So, I’ve come to the sad realization that I am somebody’s Boo Radley, too. I don’t know if I should take it as an honor, or feel bad about it. Am I that crazy that the townsfolk are scared of me? Should I try to make nice with these kids, or ride it out until Halloween and  try to scare them so much it’ll be a night they’ll never forget? What do I do with this great power?

(Don’t worry, this morning I wheeled his bike back to his front yard. I didn’t actually intend on keeping it.)

On another note – today is my 3-year-anniversary for signing up on WordPress. Woo! Granted, I didn’t start actually blogging until months after that.