adventures in awkward

I’ve been having one of those child-like moments where I’m desperately missing my family. Seems strange, considering I just saw them last month and they were driving me crazy, but my mind functions as well as a hamster’s so you really can’t expect much. I’m also suffering from terrible writer’s block, so I thought I’d share one of my all-time favorite posts from two years ago that involves my mother. Here we go…

“You know how parents are ultra embarrassing when you’re growing up? Maybe it’s their undying love of Birkenstocks, or when they try to say trendy things like “that’s cray” and “chillax,” or even how they clip their toenails onto their plate after they finish eating. Well, at the ripe age of 28, I’ve come to the realization that this embarrassment never ends. It just evolves into something different.

palmspringspoolsign

(picture taken in Palm Springs, CA this past summer)

Mom: Blair, did you see this sign? Maybe you shouldn’t swim today.

Me: Uh… I’m fine, mom. No diarrhea here.

Mom: But, I saw you rush to the bathroom when I was getting water in the middle of the night. I just assumed it was urgent. Is everything working okay down there? Have you seen a doctor lately? Diarrhea can make you dehydrated. Make sure you drink more water today.

Me: Thanks, mom. I’m good. Just a routine visit in the night.

Mom: Do you remember that time you pooped in the bath tub when you were with your sister? I can think of a couple times you went in the water when you were little. I don’t know what it was… but, you liked to let loose once you hit water. I think it relaxed you. It was so weird.

What’s more humiliating: my mom deciding to loudly discuss my issues in public, or the woman who was frantically pulling her kids out of the water while they were crying, thinking there was actually a possibility I would crap in there? Thanks for the vote of confidence, lady. I’m almost 30.”

(Man… I miss being 28. I’m getting so damn old.)

adventures in awkward

Yesterday I turned 30. I think I was supposed to go through some sort of emotional upheaval or personal crisis over the milestone, but I’m welcoming it with open arms. I had a great day of chicken wings, cheesecake, and shopping… which really leaves me with nothing to complain about. Life seems to get better as I get older, so… peace out, 20’s. Your awkward, booze-filled, ramen-noodle-eating years won’t be missed.

30things

(I’ve done 7 of these. Ouch. I’m particularly good at #25)

The only thing the age of 30 has made me realize is that I’m passing my prime to have kids. All of the cheerful Christmas commercials showing kids ripping open gifts and baking cookies for Santa aren’t helping the situation either. Damn all this holiday joy. Damn it! Just kidding, I love Christmas.  My ticking biological clock has straight slapped me across the face. The constant reminders from my mom are brutal too. (Okay, maybe there’s a slight emotional upheaval going on here. Don’t tell anyone.)

I really did hate the majority of my 20’s, though. College was not the best time of my life. The only thing memorable about my 21st birthday was being puked on by my friend while I had to remain sober enough to take care of her. When I was 24 I got food poisoning from Taco Bell and had to use my car’s leather seats as a toilet. At 26 I split my jeans in the middle of Target and introduced my right butt cheek to the world. Good times, my friends. Good times.

I’m hoping my 30’s go a little better. Let’s get this shit rolling.