If you feel the need to berate and make an employee cry just because their store doesn’t carry your beloved organic, sugar-free, no-crap-added cranberry juice you deserve to have your ass kicked. Seriously. Aren’t there more pressing things going on in your life than juice? If not, kudos to you. But come on, guys… it doesn’t cost anything to not be a dick to strangers. Or to walk your ass to the other end of the shopping center and go to Trader Joe’s. The majority of us don’t enjoy making or watching other people cry in public, so get your shit straight or order your stuff online and stay home. It’d be appreciated.
The Public At Large
Lately, I’ve been working hard to get my ass to jiggle a little less. And, you know, to avoid a heart attack or something. For the first time in my life I’ve actually enjoyed going to the gym. Until yesterday, when I face-planted mid sprint on a treadmill in front of fifty complete strangers.
Have any of y’all ever been to Planet Fitness where they have the “lunk alarm?” If you have no idea what I’m talking about — it’s an alarm the staff sounds off if there is a tool grunting loudly or dropping the free weights.
I was deep in the zone when the alarm sounded and, to be frank, it scared the shit out of me. It was the first time I’ve ever heard it so I spastically looked around to make sure there wasn’t an armed gunman. (This is America, after all. Gotta check for those things.) While in the process of sprinting & looking around, I lost my balance and fell face first onto the treadmill. The pain wasn’t the worst of it. I hit the woman next to me on the way down. Bit part of my lip causing it to swell twice its size almost instantly. Smashed my phone. And, to top it off, my shirt rode all the way up to my armpits. To a woman who’s new to the gym scene and trying to change her body… it was beyond mortifying.
I’ve started my day out today searching online for treadmill prices so I can run at home. Some of us shouldn’t be allowed to mix with the general population. For their safety and our own.
Do you have any embarrassing workout stories? Misery loves company!
Fun Fact: The Romans used their own urine to whiten their teeth.
It supposedly works. Don’t you feel like a fool for wasting all that money on teeth whitening products now?
Fun Fact: Jellyfish have been around for 700 million years despite not having a brain.
Some good news for all those stupid people in your life.
On Sunday it rained all day — which is really becoming a straight pain in the ass here in North Carolina. We planned to hang out with two of our young nieces, so we let them decide what we were going to do since our original outside plan was foiled. Their decision? Dave & Busters. Why? Last time they were there they saw a fake poop in the arcade that they couldn’t live without winning. Now, originally I was all for this and I thought playing a bunch of games would be pretty fun… even if the endgame was a piece of plastic crap.
Wrong. Wrong on all accounts.
Our Dave & Busters is in our mall. I didn’t take into account it would be full of parents that want to shop on weekends but not deal with their kids. So, of course the easy answer was to let the arcade babysit them. There were dozens of them. Everywhere. 50 unsupervised preteens? Hell… it’s hell, I tell you. I have a new found respect for teachers. Bless your poor, patient souls.
Even worse, it cost $65 to earn enough tickets for the poop.
I’m not sure who’s worse. The parents who let their rude, loud kids ruin an expensive arcade? Or me, for spending $65 on a fake piece of shit I could buy for $5 at a store?
It’s me. The answer is me.
Ziggy, our foster cat, has been dubbed the official “Pimp of Cuddling.” Of course, it didn’t take long for this guy to find a new home. He took a liking to females — whether it was human or cat.
He’s got more game than my husband. Okay. Not really. Shh
Although I know he’s found a great home, he is missed.
Every time I start a new diet (which is way more often than I’d like to admit) I always tell my husband not to let me eat specific things. He always gives me a funny look and says something along the lines of “I don’t know… I really don’t want to tell you when to not eat something…” to which I promise him it’s 100% okay because I’m giving him permission and I want him to. Then a few days later when I want something from the list of forbidden foods, I get pissed at him for having the audacity to tell me I shouldn’t eat it. Seriously, how dare he? I’m a grown ass woman, if I want a piece of cake I’m going to eat a damn piece of cake. Get out of here.
When I feel like starting a diet all over again, I swear up-and-down that this time it’s going to be different. Of course, the cycle always repeats itself.
Poor Alex… marriage has been rough on him.
I love what the internet has become. Mainly because I don’t have to do jack to learn anything new except pull up Google or find a how-to video on YouTube. Lazy people, unite! You can seriously find YouTube videos on doing anything. I’ve watched them for car repairs, yoga sequences, and most recently for some better makeup tips. There are hundreds of them on there. After clicking through a bunch of them, I realized most of these girls are just that — girls. Some 15… some 17. Should I be impressed? Embarrassed? Angry that I suck that much at applying makeup? It was rough.
A 28 year old married woman… getting makeup advice from a 15 year old high school freshman. I’m pretty mortified. Even worse, I tried her tips today and got several compliments… It’s not every day you’re forced to admit a 15 year old is more knowledgeable than you at something. For shame.
Time to go back to the rock I’ve been living under.
Meet Pix. She’s my very sweet cat that happens to be plagued with a lot of health issues. We rescued her as a kitten from someone that had an extreme hoarding issue. The vets think starting her life surrounded by piles of trash and God knows what else had a significant impact on her health. Understandably.
Due to some intense allergies, she just about always breathes through her mouth. With one tooth hanging out. Never both. Which makes getting really cute pictures a little difficult. We’ve come to love her regardless though. Keep doing you, Pix.
Statistically, black cats (and dogs!) have a significantly lower chance of being adopted vs the other colors due to preconceived notions of them bringing people bad luck. Let me state the obvious here… this should go without saying: it isn’t true. Special needs animals are also looked over. People don’t want to take on the extra expenses or feel they don’t have the time to invest in their care. But these guys need love, too.
Don’t overlook these animals, they need and deserve all the love they can get as much as their counterparts. Just because they cost a little extra, won’t take perfect pictures for your Facebook wall, or they need extra attention doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. Give them a chance. You won’t regret it.
Things you don’t want to overhear when you’re waiting in line at the grocery store after church:
Random woman: I’m so glad I’m finally buying a new razor, it’s really bad down there. If Cousin Itt had a vagina…
Random man: Don’t say that in public!
Random woman: They can’t hear me… I said it quietly…
Me: Do you need to go ahead of us? It seems like you have something important to tend to…
Of course, Alex scolded me in the car for not minding my own business. I think he was slightly embarrassed. Could I have ignored it and not said anything? Yes. Would that have been as fun? No way.