tuesday trivia

Fun Fact: Witzelsucht is a rare disease characterized by someone who can’t stop making puns, saying inappropriate jokes, or telling pointless stories when it’s socially unacceptable.

Well… I’m feeling pretty validated right now because I finally have an answer for all the times I couldn’t help but tell an inappropriate story in a room full of strangers, only to be met with eyes of glaring judgment. Or share some terribly cliche puns about farting at the ripe age of 29. From now on, every time someone questions my sense of humor, calls me tasteless, or points out that I’m unladylike… I’m going to refer them to this post.

punsunbearable

So, guys… I have a condition. (Thanks for pointing it out) There are times I must tell you my stories about yellow snow, farting, blow jobs, and experiences of hump-happy dogs. Don’t be offended by my tales. Just blame it on the Witzelsucht. 

rambles

Has there ever been a period of time when you stop and think ‘hey, life is pretty perfect right now.’ You’re fitting into your favorite jeans, you just found out your arch enemy was arrested for public indecency, and, hell… for the first Christmas in years, money isn’t an issue. You’re shocked, grateful, and there’s no possible way to love life more than you do in this very moment. Then, not even a day later, a hot and sticky shit-storm rains all over your head and snaps you back into reality. Life is never that easy. Don’t ever think that. C’mon, now.

lifeblowssometimes

Things in my life were pretty damn awesome until I hit Saturday. I was deep into my final Christmas shopping trip in the mall, when I noticed I had toilet paper stuck to my shoe from an hour earlier. When it was time to leave, and I backed out of my parking spot, my entire front bumper got ripped off my car. (Yes, I’m the dumbass who pulled up too far over the curb.) Then, after I had a minor  major meltdown in the parking lot and finally made it home, Alex pointed out that there was white goop crusted above my lip from my beloved Starbucks drink. It wasn’t pretty, folks.

Sunday – I woke up sick.

Just remember — you are at the mercy of god/fate/karma/whatever you believe in. You’re their bitch, and they won’t be shy to knock you down a few pegs when needed. Never get too comfortable. It goes just as fast as it comes

 

rambles

I’m a failure at social media. Absolutely rotten at it. I used to try to get into it, but, after a few years — I simply didn’t give a crap anymore. I think the problem is I don’t understand it. I couldn’t help but feel like I was doing a disservice to everyone by boring them to tears over the contents of my everyday life. Since I’m sparing y’all from that, I’m just going to say: you’re welcome. Oddly enough, I do enjoy reading people’s posts about their lives. Which doesn’t make me a stalker at all. Right? Right?! Hell… we’re all a bunch of goddamned stalkers. All of us. Such creeps. 

I’ve never  posted anything for Flashback Friday. (I hope that’s a thing. I’m not 100%, but I’m going with it.) I assume FF was made up for the slackers who forgot Throwback Thursday and still want a reason to throw up their old photos of peace signs, perked up duck lips, and awkward selfies. So, let’s get to it…

Here I am. Barely 3 years old. A week before Christmas. The very first photo at the start of my embarrassing addiction. To slippers.3yroldblair

Yep, I love slippers and I’ve received them a week before Christmas for the last 26 years straight. Gotta embrace traditions, you know? Do you have something you get every year without fail? Don’t be embarrassed, now…

conversations

Anyone else have an unhealthy relationship with Target? I’m a bit obsessed. I could spend hours walking up and down the aisles, sipping my overpriced Starbucks, and staring at all the bathroom decorations and trying to decide if it’s a good time to redecorate or not. The other day, Alex called me to make sure I was still alive and wondering if he should send a search party because I had been MIA for too long. It’s hard not to get consumed in there. I love it. I really do… but the employees hate me.

targetmeme

Target Cashier: Hi, how are you today? Did you find everything alright?

Me: I’m good, thanks. I found everything I needed. I’m just trying to convince myself to not get a Snickers. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort. I definitely don’t need one. You know what I’m saying?

Target Cashier: *awkward smile* Do you want to sign up for our RedCard today?

Me: No, thanks….. You know, I’m going for the it. Why not? I worked out today. Ate a salad for lunch. Plus… it’s Christmas. I wouldn’t be an American if I didn’t gain weight over the holidays. So, I’m doing it. The decision is made. I’m about to kill this almond one. It’s only $1 anyways, right? That’s nothing. It’s totally worth it. Ring her up, kind lady.

Target Cashier: Okay. Do you want to donate $1 to end local child hunger?

Me: ….

Target Cashier: ….

Me: Why’d you have to make this awkward, Julie?

marriage, tuesday trivia

Fun Fact: The word “slut” was originally used to describe a woman who didn’t keep her room clean.

easyamagichappens

All of those years in school I thought people slut-shaming me had no basis. Turns out I was wrong this whole time. I loved being slutty in my room when I was younger. Luckily, for my husband, I don’t participate in that lifestyle anymore. No sluttyness here. I have high standards for keeping the dirtiness out. That’s what happens when you’re married.

cat lady chronicles, giveaways

Ever find a channel on YouTube and become completely consumed watching it? Your coffee gets cold, you forget to eat breakfast, and you’re two hours late for your run, but, you don’t even care. In this moment, that crap just doesn’t matter anymore. You’re hooked. All in. Obsessed. You’re queuing up your emails and spam posting to social media. You’d be doing a disservice if you don’t tell everyone you know that they must. watch. this. now. This shit is important.

This happened to me this morning when I found ‘Simon’s Cat’ on YouTube. I’m probably embarrassing myself by saying this, considering it’s been around for years, with millions of views, books, and TV commercials. But, I just found it and I’m in love. (The video is short, I promise! If you like cats or have them, you’ll enjoy it)

Also, today is Sunday. Woo. Thanks to everyone who entered the giveaway drawing. It was far more than I expected, and y’all are awesome. There can only be one winner, though. And the person’s name who was randomly drawn this time:

catcraftsmo who has an awesome blog here: Why Cats Rule The World Hurray! (I will be emailing you later today)

cat lady chronicles, giveaways, things that matter

Everyone who wished me a happy birthday: thank you. Seriously. You guys kick so. much. ass. A lot of you said amazingly kind things to me, and I was really touched. And I don’t mean the creepy touching that my pervy cousin subjects me to every time we have a reunion hug that lasts a little too long. He’s a lingerer. I enjoyed this touching. It was nice. 

I’ve learned a lot about you guys from your giveaway submissions:
– Some of you are kind enough to open your house to foster cats (and dogs) and are helping them transition to their new homes.
– Some of you have taken in 3,4,5+ strays as the weather takes its turn towards winter. (including two people who are currently housing pregnant cats, and are playing a significant role in the welfare of her kittens)
– A lot of you are animal rescuers and have given your cats an amazing and new chance at life.
– Some of you have recently had pets pass away, and want to donate the prize in their memory.
– I’ve had people ask me, if their name was drawn, to sell the prize and donate the money to the SPCA instead.
– People have asked me how they can purchase the crocheted toys I make because they want to help benefit the SPCA. (I’m actually in the process of setting up an Etsy shop where all profits will be donated to the SPCA. I’ve just been delayed a bit!)

I’m never serious on this blog, but I wanted to point out that there are some really awesome bloggers on here. People who have big hearts, and lots of love to share. Your generosity is a great reminder of what’s good in the world. I’ve read and loved all of your stories, and appreciate everything you guys have done. Thank you. I wish I could share some wine and a piece of my birthday cake with you guys. (Well, maybe a bite. Cake is important to a girl.)

If you haven’t entered yet, and want to do so, go here: Cat-Crazy Giveaway You can still enter through the end of Saturday (11:59 pm EST)

pixandziggy

cat lady chronicles, giveaways

What does any mature and sophisticated newly 29-year-old adult want to do on her birthday? I’m pretty sure the right answer is hide under a comfy blanket with coffee in hand and spend the day with her cat. That’s what I want to do, at least. The only problem is Pix will barely put up with the audacity of me ‘being present’ for so long before she realizes that laying in the sun is a much more tempting offer. I don’t blame her, really.

Today is my birthday. The best thing about birthdays? Gifts. (And getting to do whatever the hell you want all day without anyone telling you you’re a lazy sack. Oh, and cake. Mmm) So, I thought it would be fun to give a present away. It contains the necessary items to attain my ideal ‘perfect day.’ A super soft blanket,  a mug for your coffee, and fun things to make your cat(s) want to spend the day with you.

catgiveaway2

Included in the giveaway is:
– A plush red and brown new cat bed
– A plaid fleece blanket
– A cat-crazy coffee mug
– Kitty treats
– 3 crocheted balls that rattle
– 3 crocheted catnip-infused mice
– 2 crocheted sling bands (Pix’s favorite!)

All crocheted toys are done by yours truly. Normally, I  sell them to raise money for the SPCA and these are the colors I had on hand. If you want specific colors, just ask! I hoard yarn in every color imaginable.

To enter: Fill out the form below. In the ‘comment’ section of the form, please say what state you live in (US) or what country. You can enter from now through the end of Saturday (11:59pm EST). The winner will be drawn at random and announced here Sunday.

[contact-form to=’theshamefulsheep@gmail.com’ subject=’Cat-Crazy Giveaway’][contact-field label=’Name’ type=’name’ required=’1’/][contact-field label=’Email’ type=’email’ required=’1’/][contact-field label=’Website’ type=’url’/][contact-field label=’Comment’ type=’textarea’ required=’1’/][/contact-form]

If you have a cat: enter
If you don’t, but know someone who does: enter (I’ll mail it out before Christmas)
If you don’t have a cat, or know any cat lovers: enter and donate it to your local humane society. I’m sure they would appreciate it.

Next time, I’ll do a more generic giveaway. Like money, or an Amazon gift card. But, it’s my birthday. As Cartman would say:  I do what I want! 

catgiveaway

(This giveaway is sponsored by my husband. Who happily supported me spending money in order to do this even though I don’t make money blogging. He’s pretty kickass)

tuesday trivia

It’s T-T-T-Tuesday. Which means: it’s trivia day. Normally, I just share a fact, but I thought it would be fun to cover more of a topic this time. Are you ready?  Here we go, friends.

Topic of the day: Outdated and ridiculous laws that are still in effect. Making you wonder the reasons they were once necessary in the first place and what idiots needed these stipulations.

supertroopersmeow

United States:

  1. You are not allowed to keep an ice cream cone in your back pocket. (Alabama)
  2. It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane (Alaska)
  3. It is a $500 fine to instruct a pizza delivery man to deliver a pizza to your friend without them knowing. (Louisiana)
  4. Elephants my not be used to plow cotton fields (North Carolina)
  5. Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 PM. (New York)
  6. It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. (California)

And, a few international ones:

  1. It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public conveyance. (United Kingdom)
  2. Citizens may not publicly remove bandages. (Canada)
  3. No pig may be addressed as Napoleon by its owner. (France)
  4. It is illegal to wear hot pink pants after midday Sunday (Australia)

 

If you are curious what stupid laws there are in your state or country, visit here: www.dumblaws.com  – There are countless of them.

Now, who lives in New York and wants to bake cookies and offer them to a police officer while they wear slippers tonight just to see what happens?

Anyone in Australia feel the need to wear their hot pink pants this Sunday? Wait… does anybody even own hot pink pants anymore?

rambles

Ever have one of those days?  You know, the kind where you get to finally find out what urine tastes like, and take a knuckle-puck to the face? Unfortunately, I have. A ‘knuckle-puck’ is not a clever way of saying I was punched. I’m talking about a Mighty-Ducks-inspired hockey shot that drove a puck, courtesy of my brother, right into the cheek of a sad, awkward 8-year-old clutching a Cabbage Patch Kids lunchbox. If you haven’t heard of The Mighty Ducks: you suck and there’s simply no way we can go on being friends any longer. We’re done. (Okay, I’m only joking.) I don’t think I’ve ever even eluded to the fact that I have an older brother. But, he does exist, and he was being an asshole that day. Now, I will say in his defense – I don’t think he  was actually aiming at me. Or… that’s what I like to tell myself, at least.

It was winter in Connecticut at the time. When I ran inside crying to my mom, she sent me back out to lay in the snow. She wasn’t going to let me use the frozen peas she paid for to rest on my bruise when there was free snow just laying around everywhere outside. C’mon, now. 

monstersincsnowcone

This is where a shitty situation turned, well… pissy. All I can say is: don’t believe it when someone tells you yellow snow is just extra lemonade they dumped out earlier in the day. My 8-year-old self can assure you – it’s not. 

It was a rough day. Boys, I tell ya.