adventures in awkward, giveaways

I’m not sure if it’s allergies. the weather changing, or something a bit more sinister, but lately I’ve had such a bad migraine I wonder if I’m moments away from my brain exploding and decorating the walls of my home. Which I imagine would be quite painful and life-ending, but who knows, I could be the originator of the next great home design trend. Not that I want other people’s brains to end up on their walls – but maybe red paint thrown against the wall like blood spatter will be the next big thing. That’s something to look forward to, right? Being a trendsetter? There’s always a silver lining if you search hard enough.

I’ve been meaning to pick up the frequency of my posts again this past week, but with family over for Easter and Satan plaguing me with the migraine from hell, I’ve been a bit distracted. I actually didn’t put it together until right now, but maybe there’s a connection. I think I’m being bitch-slapped by the devil on the holiest of holidays. I’m convinced.

Anyways… thanks to everyone for entering the giveaway to win a $20 Amazon gift card. It was fun to see all the yummy food everyone was craving, and exceedingly torturous at the same time for someone who eats a very strict diet. I asked for it, though!

The winner, who was drawn at random is…. zongrik ! The food she was craving at the time she commented was mango slices. Mmmm. Very summery and refreshing. I’d definitely go for that.

(zongrik – email me within a week at theshamefulsheep@yahoo.com, and I’ll send the gift card your way!)

Do any of you ever read funny Amazon reviews? They seriously kill me.

adventures in awkward, giveaways

Why does it seem like the majority of bloggers are much cooler than the people I meet in person? I’ve said this a few times here, but I’m reiterating because it seems strangely true. I’d rather fall ass-first into a dildo factory or have someone crap in my hand at a Broadway show and be forced to give a standing ovation than meet random schmucks in person. So, because I love you guys, and because the weather has been hot and sunny and putting this negative Nancy in a good mood, I wanted to do a small Amazon gift card giveaway this week.  I mean, who doesn’t want a free $20 to Amazon? They have just about everything. (And I can just email it out, so you don’t have to worry about me showing up at your doorstep with a meat pie made of roadkill I scraped off my driveway.)

I’m just doing this for fun, so the only thing you need to do in order for a chance to win is answer the question below in the comment section. You can enter up until Tuesday night 04/18 at 11:59pm EST. I’ll post the winner on Wednesday morning. If you have Amazon in whatever country you live in – you are eligible to win.

(Benny D. Sheep and the cat’s butt are not included in the giveaway. If you follow me on Twitter, Benny is the smaller version of the huge sheep I found in Kroger the other day. Isn’t he cute?)

Maybe one day I’ll actually make some sort of money of this blog, and I can start doing big giveaways. That would be fun.

Here’s the random question you need to answer in order to enter: If you could eat anything you wanted right now, what would it be?

adventures in awkward

I feel overwhelmingly stressed lately. This has far surpassed the slight worry over what I’m going to make for dinner or the best way to organize my prized box of multicolored beanie babies that’s hidden away in a locked, temperature controlled storage room on the other side of town. They are worth so much money, they really do deserve the best treatment.  I’m deep into the realm of feeling like I’m trapped on the beach and someone is burying me alive under the weight of a thousand pounds of sand. I’m suffocating. The weird part is – nothing has really changed, so I don’t know why it has come on so suddenly. That’s likely the problem – I’m ready for a change that just hasn’t come yet.

So, today I’ve convinced my husband to finally go see Beauty and the Beast with me. And, you know what… I’m throwing caution to the wind. I’m going for the M&Ms. No, fuck it. I’m getting peanut M&Ms. I’m so tired of having to count/measure every single bite that goes into my damn mouth. Why can’t I just be naturally skinny like my siblings? I really got screwed on the gene pool. Being in a constant state of trying to lose weight and work out has me feeling like I’m tiptoeing into crazy town. Why can’t pizza, cupcakes, and a plate of good southern bbq be healthy and rabbit food be what’s killing us? Why, God, WHY? Why do this to us? The inhumanity. (Okay, I’m done with my hissy-fit. Nothing to see here. Carry on.)

The only thing that’s blatantly spiking my anxiety is my cats, so if you’re a cat lover/owner/trainer/whatever,  and you have any advice for a situation I’m in – it would be much appreciated. I don’t want to go deep into it on here, but it has to do with cats not getting along/stalking/litter box aggression. If you could message me on Twitter or email me at theshamefulsheep@yahoo.com I’ll love you forever and maybe even send you cookies. Or maybe I’ll just eat a cookie in your honor. That’s the same…right?

adventures in awkward

Random-As-Shit Thursday Thoughts

1. Some people listen to music when they are trying to relax. Others go to the bar and down a shameful amount of appletinis while having their self-esteem boosted by a drunk asshole that thinks complimenting a stranger’s ass is the best pathway to a lifelong love. Or a night full of burning STDs. Who knows. I watch cats. Not my own cats, they’re too boring. I’ve been obsessed with a live stream on YouTube called ‘Kitten Academy.’ It’s run by a couple in Illinois who foster pregnant cats and their kittens until they are old enough to be adopted through a rescue they work with. They have a 24/7 live stream in a few rooms of their home dedicated to different mom+kitten families. If you like cats, you need to check it out. I’ve become so addicted I check in on the kittens all day – when I’m pooping, at my computer writing, and sometimes when I feel it’s necessary to pretend I’m listening to my husband when he’s talking about sports. It’s one of the most adorable things I’ve ever seen. If you need something to make you smile and calm you down, check it out. It’s much better than getting drunk and losing your self respect on a Friday night.

(Here’s a photo I stole from their Twitter yesterday. Look at those sweet faces.)

2. Last week I got my annual haircut. Yes, I only go once a year. I’m not afraid to admit I let my hair get a little Tarzan-esque once in awhile. Getting a hair cut is probably one of the worst things you have to do when you have social anxiety. You’re stuck in a chair, being nailed with personal questions that are impossible to escape, while a person dances around you with scissors chopping away while they barely pay attention. Even the thought of it makes me nauseous. This year I happen to get a woman who was the most obnoxiously outgoing person I’ve ever met. At one point she brought up bestiality and how horrible it would be to get stretched out by a cow. She is also 100%  convinced that giant zombie chickens are going to be what wipes humanity from Earth. Seriously. Genetically modified zombie chickens. She thinks they’ll be so strong they’ll be able to muscle us to the ground and peck us to death. I wish I was making this stuff up, but it all came out of her mouth. And I thought I was the one with word vomit. I’m never getting a haircut again.

(Hellllo Khal Drogo. He kind of looks like Tarzan here… right?)

3. Anyone have any masterful April Fool’s Day pranks they are going to play on someone? I’m running out of time and haven’t come up with a good one yet. I really want to find one that will scare my husband so bad he will pee himself. That would bring me great joy. (Unless he makes me clean it up or something.)

adventures in awkward

Since I’ve started writing a novel, I feel like my mind is in a constant state of playing everything out. There’s a movie on loop playing in my head. I’m always thinking about what could happen, or what my characters are doing, and I’m pretty sure it’s driving me to the brink of insanity. Which sounds kind of thrilling, but it’s actually pretty terrifying when you can’t concentrate on anything else. It’s starting to seep into my dreams at night, too, and since my novel is a murder mystery/teen sleuth, this isn’t bringing along dreams of playful puppies tumbling down a field of wildflowers and kittens cuddling underneath a Skittles rainbow. My dreams are more in the realm of brutal slayings, the decapitation of pedophiles, and throwing a stabby porcupine at an unsuspecting stranger’s face. Anybody up for some free acupuncture? It’s an intense way to wake up every morning. Which leads me to a question Alex and I discussed at length yesterday:

If the person you love most in this world (spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/sister/best friend/whatever) killed a pedophile instead of reporting it to police, would you flee the country/hide with them or turn them in? The pedophile wasn’t attacking anyone, or doing anything at the time your person found out so it wasn’t self defense, they were just angry and wanted to end him for being a sick fuck. Are you turning them in because you want nothing to do with it? Or do you love them to the point you are willing to give up your life to protect them and live on the run? I’m curious what your answers are, because Alex and I had opposing ones. Dun dun dun…

Also, how do you not become so consumed by what you’re writing about? Is this normal? I’m assuming this is why most creative artists are the depressive type. Pretty soon I’m going to be shaving my head and chanting around a bonfire in my backyard wearing nothing but nipple tassels and a baby diaper. Okay, probably not, but you see where I’m going.

adventures in awkward

When I was growing up I was sure I’d never marry. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, but because I was slightly overweight, thought the Disney channel shows meant for 12-year-olds were cool even in my late teens, and Kimmy Gibbler was, in my eyes, the best fashion icon of the next decade. Why weren’t boys into all of that? I’ll never know.  I labeled myself as undesirable. Which was a pretty shitty feeling to have when all the other kids in high school were groping each other at their lockers and talking about bumping uglies during their lunch period. I’m not gonna lie –  it’s hard to go through your awkward years feeling like nobody will ever want you like the rest of your peers. I had resigned to the fact that I didn’t deserve love, and I was actually at a point where I was okay with that. I’d be fine alone. I’d hoped. When Alex and I started dating I thought God was fucking with me. I was pretty sure he was just trying to pull off the cruelest prank imaginable to pay me back for all the times I cursed his name or wanted to punch a stranger in the face for no reason.

Have you ever heard that corny line, ‘find someone who makes you want to be a better person/version of yourself?‘ I always thought that line was such bullshit until it happened to me. Alex does this for me. I don’t think the man has ever had a negative/judgmental thought about anyone on the planet. Even when it’s just the two of us together. I never thought I deserved a man who would be thoughtful enough to jump up and do the dishes every night after I cook so I don’t have to. Or scoop the litter boxes for cats that I had to have, even though he’s a dog lover. A man that loves me when I’m losing weight, gaining weight, crying because my hormones are making me even crazier than I truly am, or when I’m dancing and serenading the cats in the most embarrassing way possible. A man that supports me and truly believes I can accomplish my goal of being a successful writer someday. Or someone who would, without repayment or acknowledgment, help a stranger on the street regardless of who or where they were and what he had to do in order to help. (Listing these is making me cry, so I’m going to stop here!)

I don’t know what I did to deserve Alex, but I honestly wake up every morning feeling like the luckiest woman alive. Everyone deserves an Alex. I hope you all find one, because everyone deserves a love like his.

Today is his birthday, which spawned this overly sappy/corny post that I don’t usually do. Happy Birthday, Alex! Thanks for making a socially awkward, undesirable nerd feel so loved.

 

adventures in awkward

When I was a teenager my best friend and I used to spend hours sitting at the mall watching people. Usually we would catch the occasional nose picker or someone with a wedgie so deep up their crack we worried about impending paralysis, but normally it was just boring. Not to mention the fact that people didn’t enjoy that we were staring at them and being asshole judgmental teens. Oh well. What else were we supposed to do when we were sitting there enjoying our soft pretzel with melty cheese? Be nice? Psht. (Mmm Auntie Anne’s. Gotta find one of those around here sometime.)

I’ve been thinking about reprising my role of people watching, though, because the past few days I’ve overheard two very strange conversations in public:

When I was walking a paved path at a community park on Tuesday, I heard a woman say, “It took me so long to find a private place to air out my vagina.What?! I have to know why this was a thing. Did she wet herself? Was she sweaty? Did she let out a sulfuric queef that was lingering? So many questions I need answered.

When I was standing in line at PetSmart yesterday, I heard a young girl say, “My dog accidentally licked my nipple when I was getting into the bath. I hope I don’t get pregnant with puppies. I’m not ready to be a mom.” Ah… the innocence of childhood. I thought this was cute for a little kid to say.

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve overheard before?

Also, Happy St. Patrick’s Day. Hope everyone enjoys being glued to the toilet and plagued with green poop all day tomorrow from all the food dye.

(This picture has zero to do with my post, but… as I was looking for St. Paddy’s/Irish pictures it came up. I couldn’t stop laughing. I didn’t even see her at first! I’m only like 5% Irish, but I suffer from the same pastey white affliction.)

adventures in awkward

Random-As-Shit Thursday Thoughts

1. I’ve come to the conclusion the last few days that I’m a terrible person. Not that I’m on the level of pushing bratty little kids down the stairs or rubbing my naked ass all over the neighbor’s cars after a recent trip to the bathroom, but I’m up there. I’ve propelled into the early stages of ‘grumpy old woman’ syndrome even though I’m barely 30. I had a conversation with Alex yesterday about how disappointed he was that he was unable to help his brother move this weekend due to wrist tendinitis. I mean, I figured he must’ve been promised an endless supply of pizza and beer or something… but he wasn’t. He was just looking forward to the act of helping someone who needed it. What? Is this normal? How do I get to be like this? The thought of helping somebody move their crap is on par with walking blindfolded into the middle of oncoming traffic for me. Why am I such a negative Nancy? Do normal people actually just enjoy doing whatever they have to in order to help someone without ever expecting them to return the favor, or is my husband just a saint?  I need some Jesus or something.

2. I’ve been hiding this past week because I’ve ventured into uncharted territory and, man… these rocky waves are making me seasick as hell. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to hack it. I started writing a book a few days ago. Now, this is something I’ve been putting off for a long time even though there’s been characters and scenes stuck in my head for almost a year. I was waiting for the right time and I think I’m finally ready for their story to be told. The only problem is that I already hate what I’ve written and want to restart. How do I get past the self criticism? Am I ever going to like the shit that I write? How do authors do it? I’m my own worst enemy.

(Is it sad I saw this sticky note on the box an instantly thought, ‘BUT BACON! What about bacon?’ Sorry about the shitty quality.)

3. People are making life insufferable lately. I can’t walk around Barnes and Noble without hearing people talk about anti-Islamic hate groups or go into my grocery store without being chastised about eating meat. A few days ago I spent a solid 30 minutes going through my Twitter feed, turning off some people’s re-tweets because all it is (literally 20 times in a row) is people complaining about Trump. (I love you guys, but you are killing me.) My ENTIRE feed was related to politics – the thing I try my hardest to avoid in life. We get it. Trump is a psychotic, orange, hateful mother fucker who may very well cause a new war. I like to live in a bubble though, when you have extreme anxiety it does wonders. (I know this is going to offend some people I follow on Twitter. It’s not personal – I love your blogs and want to see your tweets. I just turned off re-tweets. Yes, you are allowed to be pissed and angry over Trump. This is just self-preservation.)

adventures in awkward

Random-As-Shit Thursday Thoughts

1. I have a serious dislike for travel bloggers. They remind me of the people on Facebook who are constantly posting pictures of the things they do in their lives that make them seem so much more interesting and better than the ordinary schmoes like myself. “Here’s a photo of this quaint little cafe along the Rue de la Snooty in Paris. Everything is perfect here – even the way the sunlight reflects off my latte makes my tits look perkier!” It drives me insane. Especially the young ones. How in the world can young 20-year-olds afford to travel the world on a consistent basis and blog about it? HOW? Unless you’re one of ten people at that age that actually gets paid to do it. It makes no sense to me. Shouldn’t you people be working? Or in school? Or, you know, busy being poor? My 20’s sucked compared to them. (Also, I’m willing to admit this is 98% fueled by jealousy. I wish I had the means to constantly travel around further than my grocery store on a daily basis. I also love looking/reading about other countries. So, I really hate a love-hate-relationship with travel bloggers more than just a hate one..)


2. We are basically already in flip-flop weather here in North Carolina, so I’ve been trying to find home remedies to take care of my dry, crusty feet. They really are disgusting. I haven’t worn flip flops in at least two years because I’m afraid I’m going to scar a random child who catches a glimpse of them. This year we have beach trips planned so I figured I’d start now in getting these bad boys descaled. What is one of the cheapest/easiest recommendations I found? Castor oil. So, off to RiteAid I went.

Me: Hi, I’m looking for castor oil. You know, that stuff that pregnant women drink to induce labor? I read that it’s good for your skin, too, and I want to give it a whirl.

RiteAid Lady: Oh, sure! It’s over by the laxatives.

Me: Laxatives?

Lady: Yes, it’s commonly used to help with blockages.

Me: Women don’t poop out of their vaginas, though. I mean, I’ve only been alive for 30 years, but I’m pretty sure that’s right.

Lady: … No. No they don’t. There are definitely two holes down there.

Me: Three, actually. They don’t pee out of their vaginas, either. I don’t think you’re 30 yet, but some day you’ll know.

Lady: This is getting weird.

Poor woman didn’t know what she was getting into when she greeted me at the door. 


3. I was recently interviewed by a fellow blogger here on WordPress. If you want to take a gander, go visit it here 

Also, here’s the Random-Ass-Poll for this week! Remember, it’s anonymous!

[Total_Soft_Poll id=”6″]

adventures in awkward

I’m the nosiest person there is. Not on the level of setting up cameras in my neighbor’s showers or hacking into their baby cams or anything… but I always like to know people’s personal business. If the couple across the cul-de-sac are getting divorced, I need to know.  If their daughter just landed a promising new job in the adult industry – now that’s the juicy news I feed off of.  You can often find me peering behind my windows, stuffing my face with food and cloaked in darkness. I have issues.

So, I don’t normally do personal pictures because I’m ass at taking them. But, I stole an idea from Charlotte Graham and chronicled, in photos, my entire day this past Saturday. In case you wondered about all the exciting shit that goes on in my life – now you can have a first look. And believe me, it is exciting as hell. (By exciting I mean b o r i n g. I purposely chose a day where I had stuff planned because normally my day involves a lot of ass-to-couch action.)

Here’s my breakfast. I’m having a steamy love affair with celery and peanut butter right now. And, of course, my decaf coffee. Mmm.

Alex and I forced ourselves to go to the gym. It takes a LOT for me to leave the house to workout. I absolutely hate going, but when you have health/weight goals it’s really the only option. It sucks donkey penis. (Yes, I know, I’m so mature.)

After I got home and showered (be thankful you didn’t get a photo of that!) I stopped at Starbucks to get my second coffee. A decaf Americano with sugarfree mocha. It’s heavenly. Makes me want to give the barista a lap dance.

Strolled the grocery store for awhile. Here’s an exclusive look at the Kroger I shop at. Shocking, right? I shop at a store just like you! Who woulda thought?

I forgot to take a picture of my lunch, but it was homemade pimento cheese and a bunch of veggies in a low carb wrap. Yummy. After that, I walked on the treadmill for 40 minutes while I watched Planet Earth.

I was so tired that when I sat down on the computer to respond to comments, I ended up staring at Tora clean herself for a solid 30 minutes straight. She tends to take over my mouse pad every time I sit down, but how do I push away such a happy purry kitty? Sometimes I can’t bring myself to do it!

(After this I fell asleep for a solid two hours so I missed taking photos. Oops.)

We rarely go out to eat, but we deemed this past Saturday ‘date night.’ Went to my favorite burger place and got this amazing plate of keto/low carb awesomeness. It’s a burger with blue cheese, bacon, grilled onions, and garlic mayo on a lettuce wrap. With a side ‘create-your-own’ salad. It was so good.

After dinner, we saw the Lego Batman movie. Okay, we had some serious high hopes for this movie after all the great reviews. Totally disappointed. It didn’t help that the theater was so cold I couldn’t feel my face.

I finished the night off how I always do – crocheting in front of the TV. This is a baby blanket I’m working on for a little girl. I don’t know anyone who is pregnant or has a baby girl, but I loved the colors of the yarn so I went with.

So… there you go. Sorry my photos suck ass. All of the ones in public were one take. I always feel so awkward. Sorry for the super long post, as well! But it was pretty fun to chronicle what I did all day.