adventures in awkward

I’m the nosiest person there is. Not on the level of setting up cameras in my neighbor’s showers or hacking into their baby cams or anything… but I always like to know people’s personal business. If the couple across the cul-de-sac are getting divorced, I need to know.  If their daughter just landed a promising new job in the adult industry – now that’s the juicy news I feed off of.  You can often find me peering behind my windows, stuffing my face with food and cloaked in darkness. I have issues.

So, I don’t normally do personal pictures because I’m ass at taking them. But, I stole an idea from Charlotte Graham and chronicled, in photos, my entire day this past Saturday. In case you wondered about all the exciting shit that goes on in my life – now you can have a first look. And believe me, it is exciting as hell. (By exciting I mean b o r i n g. I purposely chose a day where I had stuff planned because normally my day involves a lot of ass-to-couch action.)

Here’s my breakfast. I’m having a steamy love affair with celery and peanut butter right now. And, of course, my decaf coffee. Mmm.

Alex and I forced ourselves to go to the gym. It takes a LOT for me to leave the house to workout. I absolutely hate going, but when you have health/weight goals it’s really the only option. It sucks donkey penis. (Yes, I know, I’m so mature.)

After I got home and showered (be thankful you didn’t get a photo of that!) I stopped at Starbucks to get my second coffee. A decaf Americano with sugarfree mocha. It’s heavenly. Makes me want to give the barista a lap dance.

Strolled the grocery store for awhile. Here’s an exclusive look at the Kroger I shop at. Shocking, right? I shop at a store just like you! Who woulda thought?

I forgot to take a picture of my lunch, but it was homemade pimento cheese and a bunch of veggies in a low carb wrap. Yummy. After that, I walked on the treadmill for 40 minutes while I watched Planet Earth.

I was so tired that when I sat down on the computer to respond to comments, I ended up staring at Tora clean herself for a solid 30 minutes straight. She tends to take over my mouse pad every time I sit down, but how do I push away such a happy purry kitty? Sometimes I can’t bring myself to do it!

We rarely go out to eat, but we deemed this past Saturday ‘date night.’ Went to my favorite burger place and got this amazing plate of keto/low carb awesomeness. It’s a burger with blue cheese, bacon, grilled onions, and garlic mayo on a lettuce wrap. With a side ‘create-your-own’ salad. It was so good.

After this I fell asleep for a solid two hours so I missed taking photos. Oops.

After dinner, we saw the Lego Batman movie. Okay, we had some serious high hopes for this movie after all the great reviews. Totally disappointed. It didn’t help that the theater was so cold I couldn’t feel my face.

I finished the night off how I always do – crocheting in front of the TV. This is a baby blanket for a little girl I’m working on. I don’t know anyone who is pregnant or has a baby girl, but I loved the colors of the yarn so I went with.

So… there you go. Sorry my photos suck ass. All of the ones in public were one take. I always feel so awkward. Sorry for the super long post, as well! But it was pretty fun to chronicle what I did all day.

adventures in awkward

I’m having one of those days where I don’t feel like writing. Or talking. Or being awake and functioning at all. Depression… such a fickle bitch. Creeps up behind you when you least expect it and wraps its Voldemort-esque fingers around your neck and chokes you like a bad scene in one of those Fifty Shades of Grey movies. Except it’s a lot less pleasurable because at least the girl in that scenario is getting something fun out of it. Ya know? I’m forcing myself to write anyways, though, because isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? Slap a smile on, pretend everything is great, and that unicorns are frolicking around your backyard farting out cupcakes? Cupcakes actually sound pretty good right now.  I’m pretty sure if I could have any superpower, it would be farting out cupcakes.

I’m skipping my ‘Random-As-Shit Thursday Thoughts’ post for today. Maybe I’ll do it this weekend, or maybe not at all this week. Being in a funk makes me a risk-taking rebel. Who knows, maybe I’ll spring an extra shot of sugar-free syrup in my coffee later or eat more than half of a cookie for dessert. You never know what’s coming. I’m just so unpredictable.

Here’s my Random-Ass-Poll for the week. Yay! Answer honestly – It’s anonymous. I mean, I’m sure I could somehow hunt down your IP and figure out who voted what, but I can barely get my email to work, so no worries. Your secrets will stay hidden!

adventures in awkward

If you’ve been reading here awhile, I think I’ve made it pretty clear I like to ask and answer a lot of random-ass-questions. (Hence the weird polls I throw in sometimes at the end of my posts.) This is the internet, so I feel like it’s the best way to get to know each other. I mean, I’d rather take y’all out to lunch, buy some martinis, and ask everyone their most deepest personal thoughts on the newest Oreo flavor and do a contest of who can fit the most marshmallows in their mouth – but we don’t have that luxury. (The world deserves to know about your mouth capacity, though. So share if you know the answer.)

I was excited to be nominated for this ‘get to know you’ quiz by Fatty McCupcakes because the questions are totally random and not something you see every day. Go check her answers out – they are hilarious. 

So, here we go, friends:

1. Who are you named after? 

When my mom and dad bought their first house they hired a bunch of college kids to paint the outside for them. One of the guys, who my mom has told me numerous times when she recounts the story, was particularly hot. His name was Blair. She liked the name so much it was going to be my name whether I was a boy or girl. So, my mom named me after a sexy stranger. True story. Thanks, Mom!

2. Do you like your handwriting?

Not at all. I mean, I don’t have a serial-killer-slant or anything, but it’s pretty shitty for a 30-year-old. My husband always tells me it’s nice, but I figure he’s jaded by love so his opinion really doesn’t mean much.

3. What is your favorite lunch meat?

Does peanut butter and jelly with barbecue chips count? Those are the best sandwiches. I don’t really like lunch meat. *Gasp* I know, shocking! If I HAD to choose one, it would be turkey. A nice grilled cheese or pb & j sounds a lot yummier.

4. Longest relationship? 

Current one. We’ve only been married for 3 years and before that dated for barely one. So 4 years, even though that sounds super short. We’ve known each other since we were 12/13, though, so I feel like our relationship should count as 17. I’m a cheater.

5. Do you still have your tonsils?

Yes! I don’t think anyone in my family has had them removed. So, you’re looking at someone with Grade A throat genes. Consider yourself blessed.

6. Would you bungee jump? 

I’m way too much of a pussy to do anything that’s an unnecessary risk right now. Just being honest. I have some serious anxiety.

7. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

Hell no. That would include bending down. Way too much effort.

8. Favorite ice cream?

Okay, the majority of people won’t know what the hell this is… but the name of it is Hunka Chunka PB Fudge. It’s an ice cream you can only get at Friendly’s. So, if you live in the northeast of the US consider yourself lucky. A few years ago a grocery store here in NC started carrying their ice cream, but I have yet to see that flavor.  I had it for the first time last summer at a lone Friendly’s restaurant in Myrtle Beach – it was just as amazing as I remembered it. Mmm.

9. What is the first thing you notice about people?

If they are clean. That sounds so rude, but being hygienic in public is important to me. Greasy hair gives me the heebie jeebies. TAKE A SHOWER, PEOPLE!

10. Football or baseball? 

If I HAD to choose – football. The only one I really care about is college basketball, though. Go Syracuse! (Minus this year, because they suck donkey balls.)

11. What color pants are you wearing? 

Dark wash blue jeans.

12. Last thing you ate?

I haven’t had anything yet today, but last night I ate 10 walnuts before I went to sleep. Yes, I counted! TEN!

13. If you were a crayon what color would you be?

Poop brown.

14. Favorite smell?

Dunkin Donuts. Coffee mixed with pastries baking in the oven = best smell ever. Aromatherapy for me.

15. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?

My husband. He was calling on his way home from the gym to ask me if I wanted him to pick up something for dinner. He sure knows bringing me food is the way to my heart.

16. Hair color? 

Poop brown, yay! Boring, but still my favorite so I don’t bother dyeing it.

17. Eye color?

Poop brown. (Now are you understanding the crayon color choice?)

18. Favorite foods to eat?

Well, I want to say pizza, cupcakes, and bagels with cream cheese, but I don’t actually eat them anymore even though they are my favorites. My favorite thing to eat right now is celery and peanut butter. I crave it every day, and I eat it every day! I’m so lame.

19. Scary movies or happy endings? 

Happy endings! I don’t even watch scary movies. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. BRING ON THE CORNY DISNEY MOVIES!

20. Last movie you watched? 

Tangled – it was on TV last night. (See! 30 and still a child.)

21. Favorite holiday? 

Christmas. Alex and I just went through our basement and garage and I have over 6 boxes of Christmas decorations. SIX. It’s an addiction. I can’t imagine what it will be like when we actually have children. It’s going to look like Christmas threw up in our house.

22. Beer or wine? 

I don’t drink, but if I did – I’d choose wine

23. Night owl or early bird? 

Early bird! I’m lucky if I make it past 10 pm.

24. Favorite day of the week? 

All the days are the same for me but I guess I would choose Tuesdays because that’s when the new Dance Moms episodes are on. Feel free to judge me, it’s fine! It’s a terrible guilty pleasure I’ve had for the last 6-7 years. I can’t help it.

25: Which three of your favorite bloggers do you want to know more about? 

I want to know more about a lot of people – so I’m not going to nominate. I’d love to read everyone’s response. So, if you want to fill out the questions and post them, make sure you let me know in the comments so I can go read them.

 

adventures in awkward

Random-As-Shit Thursday Thoughts

1.There was a woman at Target yesterday who had toilet paper stuck in her waist band by her butt. I thought it was embarrassing to advertise to a crowded store that she recently shat in store’s bathroom and was the cause of the ungodly odor seeping out onto the people waiting in the Starbucks line, so I took it upon myself to tell her. You know, trying to cash in my good deed for the day. Instead, she turned and looked at me and said, ‘That’s not funny! Those type of pranks are very immature for a woman your age.’ This chick thought I was the one who put the toilet paper in.her.pants. IN THEM. How the hell could I manage doing that without her feeling it? I’m a modern day Houdini. That’s what I get for trying to be kind. I responded with, ‘Don’t be embarrassed, lady. Everybody poops!’ …. Didn’t her parents teach her that?

2. I saw this on the front page of Yahoo the other day. I mean, is this really news-worthy? ‘Adult knows how to feed himself?’ Congratu-fucking-lations! You’ve done what 75% of the population does. Making your own food? How inspiring! How brave! I understand a lot of people who work get lunch out, but surely there’s a time when everyone has gone at least three days making their own food, right? Especially in the poor college years. I eat at home every meal besides maybe one a week, so I’m expecting a feature on the front page of Yahoo any day now. If you’re a journalist, hit me up. It will be a top article. I promise. Everyone else – keep your eyes peeled for my grand debut.

3. Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and suddenly have a light bulb go off? Like, your mind has a moment of clarity and everything in your world just seems to make sense all of a sudden. I had this last night. I woke up out of a dead sleep and realized something amazing – The french fry brand ‘OreIda’ is Oregon and Idaho mashed together. Did you know that? Genius. Pure genius. Why was I thinking about french fries at 3 am? Who knows. I don’t even like the damn things. Apparently it was an important mystery my subconscious needed to solve.

Random-Ass-Poll for a Random-Ass-Thursday

adventures in awkward

Reading the news always makes me feel a lot better about my life. Well, not the politics. I avoid that because I’m pretty sure if cancer was personified it would be 99% of the politicians roaming around Washington clinking their drinks together every time they make a terrible decision. It’s a big, toxic, suck-fest over there. I’m just talking about normal news – the type that highlights the embarrassing stupidity of the population. Like this picture:

I saw this picture last night, and, well… I had so many questions. How do you stab someone with a squirrel? With it’s buckteeth? It’s tiny claws? Did someone sharpen it? Was it rabid and she unleashed it from its cage of doom? I was happy to find out that it was just a ceramic squirrel and no real ones were hurt in the process. Even so, the guy had it coming – he forgot to buy her beer. Who the fuck does that? He forgot the beer? Crucial mistake.  (Is it bad I was more concerned for the squirrel’s well-being than the man’s? I’m weird.)

Then there’s this one:

At first I thought ‘Wow! Who the fuck are these people? Dildo throwing? Trashy.’ I didn’t do this shit at my wedding! It was a classy affair. Except, the more that I think of it… I’m a little jealous. It seems pretty funny. That’s actually the type of shit I would enjoy. Flying dildos. How memorable would that be? There’s a few of my family members that could use a dildo or two to the face. I feel like I need to find a dildo, dip it in water, and throw it on someone as a prank now. Sounds traumatizing. I love it.

Happy Valentine’s Day, people. Just wanted to say on this overly-commercialized-greeting-card-company-holiday that I appreciate every single one of you. I hope you have a great day with your loved ones. If you are in a committed relationship – you should be telling your significant other you love and appreciate them every day, not just today. If you are single, just remember – you could be one of those assholes in the news articles up there. Single life ain’t so bad.

What are your plans for the day? Have you received/given any gifts for Valentine’s? I still haven’t bought anything for my husband. Pretty sure I’m just going to go to the gift wrapping section in Target and get some frilly bows to stick to my nipples. Shopping for men… so easy.

adventures in awkward

Random-As-Shit Thursday Thoughts

1. I’m going to be honest here – you guys scare me sometimes. Not the majority, but more so the people that land on my blog by random search terms. I don’t know why people are searching for ‘shameful awkward mom porn’ or ‘sheep boobs’ and landing on my page, but there is zero porn here. Zip. Nada. I’m pretty sure I’ve never even talked here about sex before. Is that what Google thinks of me? They lump me in with the porn sites so I’m attracting all the perverse freaks of the internet? Maybe I should give them what they want. I can start posting pictures of sheep boobs. Here you go, weirdos.

 

2. I keep seeing online that people are calling Lady Gaga ‘fat’ and saying she had a ‘pot belly’ during her halftime performance the other day. What the hell is wrong with people? I wish I could drag everyone who said this crap by their hair and smash their face into a vat of horse semen. (Okay, now I’m starting to understand why I get the porn lovers.)

If this is fat, then I must be the size of Hagrid when he’s nine months pregnant. 

3. I really don’t care if you hate that I swear or not. It drives me crazy that people purposely stalk my posts and go out of their way to tell me how bad of a person I am multiple times a week through comments because I throw a swear word or two into my writing. IT’S A WORD, PEOPLE. I’m not hurting anybody. It’s not like I’m going into public and telling kids to go fuck themselves and punching them in the face. Not that it’s any of your goddamn business if I was. I’m 30. Not 12. I don’t need lectures from people twice my age like they’re my mother. I’ve had to block TWO people this week from my site due to them doing this for nearly a year now. If the ban didn’t work – hopefully they will see this and kindly f u c k o f f. (End rant.)

adventures in awkward

I’ve had one of those headaches lately that’s so painful it feels like Satan is throwing a Pampered Chef party in my brain and the only thing he is  selling is a set of rusty knives. Since it’s a party – I’m assuming they are dancing, flailing them around, and getting a little stabby with each other while Hitler and Hussein invade each other’s territories in the bedroom. It is Hell, after all. As are those home-hosted parties that your friends guilt trip you into attending just to sell you crap you don’t really need. Man, I hate those. You have to go, though, or you’re not being supportive enough because this is the income they use to feed their children. You don’t want to be the reason little Betty Sue starves, do you? What about sweet young Gary? SO. MUCH. PRESSURE.

On the plus side, my migraine got me out of going to a SuperBowl party that I didn’t want to be at. The only problem was, was that the party was at my house. How awkward is it to go to a party when one of the hosts is hiding upstairs in a dark room crying as they eat buffalo wing dip with a spoon?  Kudos to my husband who had to answer the endless flow of questions about my whereabouts all night. Poor guy.

How did you spend your SuperBowl evening? Are you pissed the Patriots won? Do you not give a crap either way? Did you watch the Puppy or Kitten Bowl instead? (I recorded it so I could watch it later!)

I love polls, so answer this random question! Remember, it’s anonymous – so you have to answer truthfully! No one will know.

 

 

adventures in awkward

Random-As-Shit Thursday Thoughts

Long before I started this blog, I had a baking blog. SURPRISE! If I could do anything when I grow up (forget for a moment that I’m 30, married, and spend the majority of my nights knitting as I watch Golden Girls reruns like a crotchety old woman) besides writing, I would be a chef/baker. I’ve thought about revisiting the old blog a lot lately, but… I have a serious problem. What the hell do I do with all the shit I make? I can’t eat all that sugar. I don’t understand how people who are baking things three times a week at home avoid weighing 600 pounds? Where does it go? Who can I pawn stuff off to? WHAT DO I DO? 

I’ve made a dire mistake. I offered my brother-in-law and his family of five to stay in our house for a few weeks. They are moving out of a rental house and buying one, but for some reason the bank has put a short delay on the loan process. I was in a good mood and trying to be extra kind for a change, but the second I got home the panic set in. What did I get myself into? As someone with pretty severe social anxiety, having five extra people in my house 24/7 is the stuff of nightmares. How am I going to avoid them without seeming rude? *Deep breath* 32 days left until we are invaded by messy children and hell rains down on the Sheep household. Pray for us.

I would rather have my nipples bit by ravenous mosquitoes than go to the gym, but I’ve been making a concentrated effort lately because I wanted to kick off February strong. Now, to preface this story, I have to let y’all know I have a severe bathroom phobia. When you throw in the ‘gym’ factor – where every ass that touches the seat is smelly and covered in sweat – it gets a thousand times worse. I had to pee so badly yesterday, but I thought it would be smarter to hold it. Well, that was until I got to the squat machine and peed myself a little. Yep, I peed myself. In public. Like a three-year-old who didn’t want to use the potty. For shame. 

adventures in awkward

My laptop broke last night. As you can imagine, this caused a very mature reaction consisting of me screaming bloody murder as I drop-kicked it out the back door into a puddle. It’s now resting with a failed baking recipe I made that also got the heave-ho out the window yesterday. Classy, eh? I may or may not have an anger issue. The jury’s still out.  (The neighbor’s must think I’m slightly nuts, though, as there’s always things flying out of my house into the graveyard of my backyard.)

I was nominated for an award over the weekend, and thought I’d answer the questions I was asked. I’m not going to repost and fill it out like I’m supposed to, because where’s the fun in that? Rather than nominate other people, I asked some burning questions to y’all at the bottom of the post. Answer them, damn it! I mean…. please.

Here are the questions I was asked by EntirelyErika :

1.What made you want to blog?
2.If you could collaborate with one person on your blog, who would it be and why?
3.If you could meet one person {alive or dead} who would it be?
All 3 of these go together for me, so I’m going to answer it as one question. I would collaborate with the same people I would meet, which would be Walt Disney or JK Rowling. They are quite different, but they have both accomplished my #1 goal in life (minus having a happy family): to captivate an audience and inspire wonder. Whether I accomplish it through writing novels, screenplays, or blogs – one day I will do it. (I hope!)
4.You just won $1 million dollars, what do you do/buy?
A little farm in the middle of nowhere with sheep, goats, and chickens. And a month supply of Olive Garden’s bread sticks. 
5.How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
I’ll have to consult with my husband. He is the residential expert on wood.

Here are my questions for y’all. Answer them. Don’t answer them. Sit in the corner picking your nose and judging the rest of us who are cool enough to answer. Whatever floats your boat. 

  1. You’re stranded in the middle of nowhere with the cast of Friends. You can’t find any food, so your only way to survive is to turn into a cannibal. Which two do you eat first, and why?
  2. If you had to pick a theme song or movie that best represents your life, what would it be?
  3. What did you eat for dinner last night?
  4. Do you have a favorite blog post that you wrote and want to share? Post the link!

 

(Don’t worry – I always pick up the crap I throw out there. I’m not that weird.)

adventures in awkward

I have an unexplained love for hearing people’s painful dating stories. Especially when they involve terribly awkward people that have no concept of what to say on a first date. (Here’s a hint – talking about sharing a toothbrush with your dog isn’t something that should be revealed right after you discuss what you do for a living.) Horrible Tinder date stories are my jam. I think my love for it stems from meeting my husband at the young age of twelve and never actually having dating stories of my own. I’ve missed out on something, so I have to live vicariously through others. It’s a rough life, what can I say?

Alex and I were out to dinner last night when we took note of a very quiet couple in a booth near us. The poor guy was sweating; beads on his forehead, rubbing his palms on his pants underneath the table. Honestly, it was uncomfortable to watch. When he left the table for a few minutes, the woman grabbed her phone and dialed quickly. “He seems really nice, but we have nothing to talk about. Give me something to talk about! Help, I’m dying here. He’s coming back. Bye.”

So, much to the extreme embarrassment of my shy husband, I sprung into action. I walked over to their table and started to sing ‘Can’t Touch This’ by MC Hammer, and busted out the best running man anyone has ever seen. Threw in a couple pelvic thrusts. Bent over and tried to do a little twerking, but failed horribly. (Let’s not talk about that.)

Man: What… the hell are you doing?

Me: Giving you guys something to talk about.

Man: *laughs* This is… the strangest dinner experience I’ve ever had.

Me: Now you have something to bond over! Carry on… *moonwalks back to own table*

After that, every time I looked over they were talking and laughing. Probably at me, but it got the job done, right? So, I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say I’m the best matchmaker there’s ever been. A modern day Cupid. I like to think they will find me in a year or two and be a happily married couple wanting to name their first-born-child after me.

I’m going into business. Are you single? I’m here to put on an awkward display and lend my sick dance skills to you. Hit me up.

If you have a weird dating story, feel free to share! I might laugh at you, though. Fair warning.