i’m only here for the cupcakes

I’m having one of those days where I don’t feel like writing. Or talking. Or being awake and functioning at all. Depression… such a fickle bitch. Creeps up behind you when you least expect it and wraps its Voldemort-esque fingers around your neck and chokes you like a bad scene in one of those Fifty Shades of Grey movies. Except it’s a lot less pleasurable because at least the girl in that scenario is getting something fun out of it. Ya know? I’m forcing myself to write anyways, though, because isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? Slap a smile on, pretend everything is great, and that unicorns are frolicking around your backyard farting out cupcakes? Cupcakes actually sound pretty good right now. Even if they are coming out of something’s ass.   I’m pretty sure if I could have any superpower, it would be farting out cupcakes.

I’m still trying to get into posting regularly. I feel like I’m already dropping the ball, but I’ll pick it up. I promise my first born child on it. Okay, not really.  Being in a funk makes me a risk-taking rebel. Who knows, maybe I’ll spring an extra shot of sugar-free syrup in my coffee later or eat more than half of a cookie for dessert. You never know what’s coming. I’m just so unpredictable.

Here’s a random silly poll for the week. Yay! Answer honestly – It’s anonymous. I mean, I’m sure I could somehow hunt down your IP and figure out who voted what, but I can barely get my email to work, so no worries. Your secrets will stay hidden!

Coming Soon

102 Comments

  1. Speaking of 50 Shades of Shit, I saw a funny meme about how if the dude wasn’t a billionaire it would be an episode of Criminal Minds. Maybe pretend depression is a billionaire?

    JK. I’m in that same boat with you, but adulting needs to happen — gotta pay bills. Hugs from afar!

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      1. Oh you have to read the rest. The writing is so bad it’s hilarious! I started reading the books out loud to my husband and we were laughing so hard. Of course I do wacky voices that enhance the ridiculousness of the book.

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  2. S. A. Young

    First, you are really twisted. (Which is why I know we’d be great friends) Second. I’m not sure I could take a bet that included ANY of those scenarios unless I was 110% positive that I would win. A cop-out answer? Absolutely, but I cannot pick between any of those foul alternatives. ;P

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  3. I thought I was coming out of nearly a year of brick-walled uncreativity, but I’m not so sure now. I can definitely relate. My writing bucket list is more likely a contributor to the daze. Maybe a change of locations would help, but I did that a year and a half ago. I guess the bottom line is, you are not alone. Scary thought, right?

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  4. Well yeah there are days like that … Nothing seems worth the effort… But writing about this bitchface called depression might help to feel better! Keep it up… I love your blog

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  5. Depression IS a fickle bitch! And weirdly, on some days when the feel good seems there, I STILL have to drag my arse out of bed. I just today told someone of my surprise that the “feel good” is a process, just because it shows up one day doesn’t reverse things in a day. I’m still trying to get used to that, and in the meantime trying to make one goal per day.

    That poll! When I was very small I had a raging fever and the doctor told my parents to immerse me in a tub of cold water filled with ice. In my mind’s eye I can still see my dad’s horrified expression as he held me in his arms over the tub. I’ve personally blocked it out but that face says everything, so ix-nay on anything to do with sitting in ice!

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  6. Could not do the poll….. as I’m still throwing up….!
    Poor you. What can WE do for you? DO get better pretty please, we love you so
    Here, have a big 😙 and a fat hug (can’t find a emoji but give you this: 🍬🍫🍰🍭🍦🍨🍹 instead…. is that ok?)

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  7. I’m with Kooky Chic and most of your other victims – I mean friends! FRIENDS!!! I’d have to be an inert blob, probably deceased, to partake of a bath in any of those freaky scenarios. If torture ever becomes real popular, you’d have a good job dreaming up some new ones daily! So you have that to look forward to! Cheer up! Meanwhile, you’re giving us the great gift of laughter. YAY you. Thank you soooo much. <3 <3 <3

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  8. Don’t worry about not posting, in 2018 we are tied 2-2. I’m so busy reading other people’s blogs I forget I’m supposed to be writing stuff on here.

    You didn’t say who’s pubes and nails, so if they are mine then that’s fine. I picked that and I feel like a winner.

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  9. I saw an advert recently for a kind of adult potty that you fix around your toilet to make crapping, oh sorry, defecating, easier and more efficient. Which is nice. I like to feel that I have evacuated my bowels efficiently. Anyway, the advert featured a unicorn that pooped out rainbow coloured ice cream into cornets which the rather creepy man in the advert, a sort of cross between Johnny Depp’s sinister Willie Wonka and Frank. N. Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show, not only ate with great gusto but also gave to children! I saw the potty on Amazon, some of the reviews are hilarious, but my niece sent me a link to the Rainbow Unicorn Poop advert, because it’s the sort of thing she trawls the Internet for. I will see if I can find the link later, as it’s 3.30 in the morning here and I am in bed using my tablet and I don’t know how to cut and paste an URL on it so I will have to do it on my desk top machine gizmo later, unless you can find it by Googling adult potty unicorn rainbow poop ice cream xxx

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  10. You are slowly but surely starting to win the battle by just making the effort to post. Wish you all the best and never loose that humor of yours. I’d attempt to fart some cupcakes at you but alas, I’m out of gas,.

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  11. LoL….you may not have felt like writing but what you did sure gave me a good belly laugh……the imagery of unicorns farting out cupcakes is pretty wild!! Lol… Anyone who can make me laugh gets my vote……laughter is ESSENTIAL to me….like air and water!!! Perhaps your funk is this horrid gray winter weather…….that puts me into a funk as well. Have a great day and enjoy your cupcakes!!!! 🙂

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  12. Here’s another poll question: testicles on your chin or hooves for hands? Did I get that from a previous post by you? It stuck with me and I still can’t work out which except cup cakes would be harder with hooves.
    Depression is a stinker, have courage and cupcakes, have whatever helps 🙂

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  13. Depression really does suck. When I’m sunk down into the depths of it, all I want to do is disappear. So sometimes I think about jumping into the Gulf and swimming until I can’t swim anymore. Then I think about my cats and how there’d be no one to take care of them. And there’d be fish. I’m terrified of fish. Nibbling fish. Of course, there’s always pills, but I know those cats wouldn’t give me a proper funeral. In fact, they’d probably just eat me and I’d look horrible when someone finally did check on me. Do you think I’d look worse if I drifted up to shore after fish nibbled me? I don’t know.

    Oh…and I did vote. Not for fish. I couldn’t have voted for fish.

    And I wouldn’t have voted for birds either…

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  14. Des

    I picked the icky-bath that I thought would be the least like to harbor disease, and I bet that’s something you considered. I really hope you find your way out of the the funk department soon.

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  15. Man, getting up and being human today has been rough for me too. I didn’t sleep well so I’m guessing that’s it.

    I really like what someone else wrote, that happiness is a process. I need to do that today, work on my happiness. I know that being depressed does not equal being unhappy. But I figure I could at least stack the deck in my favor by trying to see the light and being grateful for it.

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  16. Umm, ok…that poll just made me depressed. How about (e) none of the above? Hang in there. Some times you’re the dog, sometimes you’re the hydrant. We’ve all been through the up’s and down’s of writing. When you least expect it, your voice will rise. Promise.

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  17. I picked the last one – there is no way I am getting in any bath with live creatures in especially maggots (or crabs!) – I reckon from the last two the warm, but slightly used bath sounds the nicest but only if the people washed first and no chance of disease otherwise it is the bath of sick and testicles for me! Hope you feel better soon …. depression is neither fun nor easy.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Weird! I wonder why they didn’t show. Maybe because it’s been so long. 50 shades of pubes. Almost made me gag lol

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  18. Jay

    I fucking love writing when depressed! I use the crushing feeling of apathy to mock everything in life, and read it over when I feel better. Usually, it’s the only time I think I’m actually funny!

    In all seriousness, though, don’t be sad! Just think about things that make you smile, whether they are how fantastic life is or how fucked up everything is.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Icy water is probably the most sane choice for sure. Good thinking. Now, where do I collect my $500? (That’s how it works, right?)

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  19. I was going to write a post a day — like an editorial column — on diverse subjects. I managed it for 9 months, but family issues came up and I lost access to computer and Internet. During that time I pondered whether anyone was reading my articles or not.
    Now I’m doing a cartoon, at the moment every Saturday. But again, I really don’t know if anyone is out there or if I am only doing the cartoon for myself.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Wow! Every day for 9 months? Holy crap that’s a lot. I don’t think I could ever pull that off. I’m out here, I’ll read 🙂

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  20. Ewww… unicorn shit cupcakes and maggot-infested, fishy, pubey, fettuccine alfredo… no wonder you’re depressed. Perhaps a change in diet and/or scenery. I’m not brave enough to take a chance on a bet I’m likely to lose, but in this instance I went for the warm water with pubes and nails. It seemed the least likely to add to my psychological damage. 😀

    I’ve never read/watched the Fifty Shades crap.. but know a little something something about BDSM, and that ain’t it. 😉

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Right? My mind is full of so many glamorous things. Ah, so great. I would have picked the pubes and nails over anything living, too. You didn’t miss much on the 50 Shades crap. Although, I only read the first book and never saw any movies lol.

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  21. Pure unadulterated genius…or the caffeine-fueled ravings of a madwoman. Either way, I likes it a lot. Re: the fettuccine idea, for some reason when I first read it I understood “owl testicles” rather than cow testicles…and I don’t know what is more disturbing, a bunch of miniscule owl testes or cow gonads which, strictly speaking, really belong on bulls, not cows.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Yeah, totally missed the mark on the testicle placement. Oops lol. I think madwoman is right. Definitely madwoman 🙂

      Reply

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