thanks, mom

I’ve been having one of those child-like moments where I’m desperately missing my family. Seems strange, considering I just saw them last month and they were driving me crazy, but my mind functions as well as a hamster’s so you really can’t expect much. I’m also suffering from terrible writer’s block, so I thought I’d share one of my all-time favorite posts from two years ago that involves my mother. Here we go…

“You know how parents are ultra embarrassing when you’re growing up? Maybe it’s their undying love of Birkenstocks, or when they try to say trendy things like “that’s cray” and “chillax,” or even how they clip their toenails onto their plate after they finish eating. Well, at the ripe age of 28, I’ve come to the realization that this embarrassment never ends. It just evolves into something different.

palmspringspoolsign

(picture taken in Palm Springs, CA this past summer)

Mom: Blair, did you see this sign? Maybe you shouldn’t swim today.

Me: Uh… I’m fine, mom. No diarrhea here.

Mom: But, I saw you rush to the bathroom when I was getting water in the middle of the night. I just assumed it was urgent. Is everything working okay down there? Have you seen a doctor lately? Diarrhea can make you dehydrated. Make sure you drink more water today.

Me: Thanks, mom. I’m good. Just a routine visit in the night.

Mom: Do you remember that time you pooped in the bath tub when you were with your sister? I can think of a couple times you went in the water when you were little. I don’t know what it was… but, you liked to let loose once you hit water. I think it relaxed you. It was so weird.

What’s more humiliating: my mom deciding to loudly discuss my issues in public, or the woman who was frantically pulling her kids out of the water while they were crying, thinking there was actually a possibility I would crap in there? Thanks for the vote of confidence, lady. I’m almost 30.”

(Man… I miss being 28. I’m getting so damn old.)

35 Comments

  1. Totally agree with you from the kid side of me. From the parent side, why is it whenever I want to cause some embarrassment (yes, it’s true, sometimes it is intentional), my efforts are met with a blank stare, but when I’m being sincerely uh, sincere, is when I cause so much embarrassment that even I cringe at what I’ve done?

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  2. Moms do not stop momming. There is a sick pleasure in pointing this out to teenagers when they complain about their moms. “Really? My mom just did that the other day. I’m 43. Does. Not. Stop. “

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  3. Oh…. mercy….. I know I accidentally embarrassed my sons from time to time, but I would NEVER go on like that.
    Brothers, on the other hand… when our younger son worked at a local burger place, we went there to eat with our older one. Sweet older brother suggested that, as soon as we saw him, we should greet him loudly with “Hey, we brought your diarrhea medicine!” (Fortunately, this was an empty threat and the evening remained unmarred by sibling violence.)

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  4. Bwahaha. As a mom myself, I think they teach that kind of stuff in mom school. I just pray that was one of the sessions I ditched (bodily functions shared in public)…gawd knows I just have missed a number of them judging by my parenting skills. 😎

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  5. 🙂 🙂 oh my…… But HONESTLY, are there REALLY places with notice boards like this? And are they really needed????

    Many moons ago I stayed at a motel with a pool somewhere in the States. I was just approaching the pool when I saw how a boy drew a coloured ‘stream’ behind him, it looked like illuminated…. Then I saw a notice saying that the water had some product added that coloured the urine of bathers. That boy probably couldn’t read 😉 – And I didn’t go for my swim!!!

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  6. I am 62 and my mom is 85 and she can still embarrass me out in public. She thinks she is “whispering” when talking about someone really close by and when I call her on it, she just says, “Oh, they couldn’t hear me”. YES, mom they COULD and they DID.

    In keeping with the content of this post, some years ago, me and my daughter, mom and sister went out shopping to a quaint little store and there were just a few people in there and it was pretty quiet, and I had an attack of some kind of bowel misery and used the very nice bathroom but was in there a good 20 minutes and it was the only bathroom in the store. When I finally came out, my mom, who was across the room, yells out, “What on earth took you so long”? “Did you have diarrhea”? “Well, I hoped you sprayed” (as in air freshener…not poop). I was SO mortified and when I took her aside and said, “Mom, did you have to tell the whole store that I had diarrhea”. Her response, “Oh no one heard me”……

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  7. Bwahaha! Parents always do that. My friend’s mother always offers her Dramamine before going on a long car trip because “she always throws up in the car.” Apparently, when she was 6, she had a stomach bug and threw up in the car. She is in her 40s now and has only had to one incident.

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  8. Haha….yes, that would be embarrassing but at the same time, I’m sure you felt mom’s love shining through all that poop talk and concern about your state of hydration. But I gotta say, toenail clippings on their plate really grosses me out.

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