only weirdos go to Panera

 

 

Sometimes it’s completely justifiable to drink wine straight from the bottle and spend the day on the couch hiding under a pile of cats. Maybe even necessary. Doctors really should prescribe things like that. Of course, issues might arise if you don’t have a cat, but you could always just borrow your neighbor’s. Forget what the Bible said – get over there and covet your neighbor’s pussy. Guaranteed to make everyone involved feel better. 

This weekend has been dubbed sit-on-your-ass-and-do-nothing in my house. I feel like I deserve it after having such a stressful vacation. You know, a vacation from my vacation. It makes sense in my mind at least. So, instead of writing my own post, I’m going to share a guest post from a kickass blogger here – Becca Barracuda. She cracks me up. Plus, she shares an extreme love for cats and Harry Potter. She’s my spirit animal. Check her out here : The Married Cat Lady

My boyfriend and I had only been dating for about a month (if that) when we went to Panera Bread one morning after a night of drinking. (He has weird eating habits.) I had spent the night at his house, so I was wearing last night’s makeup and clothing, and I had a massive zit on my chin. And I mean massive. One of the women at work had asked me, “What happened to your face? Did you fall?”

“No, my face just hates me,” I told her, because of course, I couldn’t just leave the fucker alone. I had to mess with it. I had angered the beast.

My boyfriend and I were sitting at a small table, eating our bread bowls and minding our own business when an elderly man walked up to our table. He was at least 80 years old and came hobbling over with a cane and one of those newspaper boy hats on.

He was standing over us and said to Boyfriend, “Oh my! Are you the lucky man with this woman?”

I looked around to see what woman he was talking about. There was no way it could be me, not right now.

It had to be me, though, because there wasn’t really anyone else around (probably because most people don’t go to Panera for breakfast), and this man was hovering at our table, looking right at me.

I laughed. Boyfriend chuckled nervously.

“Stevie Wonder could see she’s a knock-out!” the elderly man continued, gesturing to me.

“Aw, that’s so nice. Thank you, sir,” I said both flattered and uncomfortable. I could feel my cheeks heating up.

“You know you’re a lucky man,” he said to Boyfriend in a slightly creepy, grandfatherly way.

“Yes sir. I do,” Boyfriend said, nodding.

Our new elderly friend turned back to me, “Are you from Tennessee?” he asked.

“What?” I looked at Boyfriend. He looked over at me and raised his eyebrows. “No…” I chuckled to cover my discomfort.

“Oh, well I thought you might be because you’re the only Ten-I-see!” He started laughing, a solid belly-laugh. Boyfriend and I chuckled along.

“Ha, ha, that’s funny! Thank you.” I then took a bite of my soup, hoping he’d notice that I wanted him to leave. (I do this often. You’d be surprised how many people don’t get this social cue. If I go back to doing whatever I was doing before you started talking to me, I am no longer interested in the conversation.)

He lingered for another couple of seconds. “Take care of her now,” he told Boyfriend.

“Yes, I will, thanks,” Boyfriend said.

“She’s a catch,” the elderly man said, nodding and looking at me.“She is,” Boyfriend smiled and looked over at me. I was pleading with my eyes, “Please make this stop.”

“You’re a beautiful woman,” he said, pointing at me.

“Thank you!” I smiled and waved as he hobbled away. “Oh my God!” I said to Boyfriend as he practically spit out his soup laughing. “That is possibly one of the most awkward encounters I’ve ever had! Look at me!” I gestured to my old makeup and wrinkled clothes.

“You’re a catch,” Boyfriend said, and then he winked.

When I got back home to my parents’ house, I immediately told my mom about it. Her response?

“And you looked like that?”

Clearly only the elderly Panera man understands true beauty.

 

 

49 Comments

    1. Yes!! When I started a ‘novel’ at age 10, and showed it to my mother, she said, “But student nurses don’t wear all white! they wear-” And I tuned her out. And I didn’t write again for a very long time. But now I’ve written a book. People tell me it’s a kickass book! So there, mom!! Er, mom? She’s no longer around, ok? But I sure showed her! Didn’t I? 😉

      Reply
      1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

        Oh man, how harsh! What the heck color do they wear? Blue? I don’t even know! I’m sure your book now is awesome though 🙂 You showed her!

        Reply
        1. Well, back then (50s if u must know 😁) they were known as “candy stripers.” Which I was apparently unaware of at the time. I think they wore a striped dress with a sort of white apron over it.

          Reply
  1. I’ve never run into elderly male weirdos at Panera, but I used to work in a geriatric doctor’s office so I came in contact with a lot of lecherous, semi-blind old men who thought I was just the cat’s meow, even on days I could have passed for a hairball. Your need for a post-vacation vacation brought to mind an old post of mine: https://justjoan42.wordpress.com/2016/07/10/the-joys-of-stay-cation/ written almost exactly one year ago when I was, presumably, in the same situation. Enjoy.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh man, I can only imagine how many times they hit on you haha. Thanks for the link 🙂 I will definitely check it out!

      Reply
  2. I’ve been missing you … ‘go covert thy neighbor’s pussy” indeed. I know what you mean though: I am absolutely zonked after my month away. Having no cats that will comfort me … the ones I do have hate men … I’ll just cuddle up with my teddy bears. There’s a very nice one just over the road … I’ll go covert my neighbor’s teddy … just the thought makes me feel more energetic!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Welcome back! 😀 A month away is… way too long haha. I would go insane being away from home for that long lol. Just force your man-hating cats. I would. FORCE CUDDLES. I do it to my cats all the time. Now they are used to it and submit to my love. It works.

      Reply
  3. It is wise to staycate after a vacation. You are wise. I will lend you extra cats if you need them.

    Great share on that story. My husband has an eye appointment Monday. I’m crossing my fingers, because I swear sometimes the man must be blind!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Thanks 😀 I’ll need all the cats I can borrow as my husband has cut me off. I’m only at 2! That doesn’t even seem like a lot :(. Now I’m curious how the eye appointment comes out. What happens if they completely fix his vision and he runs away screaming?! (Kidding, kidding!)

      Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I’m glad! (That it was what you needed, not that you woke up feeling like the walking dead lol) Thanks for checking her out!

      Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Well, I only have two, and I consider that a pile! Anything over one counts. Four… you really should go into business. I’ll be your first client!

      Reply
  4. hilarious… laughed so much. It also occurred to me that only the ‘wrong’ people see our beauty and comment on it (long after our dear family and partners wouldn’t even lift an eyebrow if we’d go out lunching with them in our pyjamas or/and w/o any facial work…..) My own Hero Husband asked me last week on the very day I washed my hair which then, after 2hrs in a t-shirt to conserve the locks, was wonderfully bouncy and looking extremely handsome: Are you going to take your shower or not?……. Hey Mars, have you seen that I was clothed, creamed and slathered, beautified, and goldie-locked???? Some days, killing is too good for them!
    Shall ‘have to’ sub to the Cat Woman, although I’m looking for someone who is writing so well and at the same time is a DOG LOVER 😉

    Reply
  5. Found this hilarious, as all my kids adore Panera. Ours is right near an arts high school, so there are lots of nerds, but no weirdos of the variety in this story, at least not yet. Lots of zits, though.

    Reply
  6. this is by far the best blog post I’ve read so far. I laughed so hard tears were pouring out. A little bit probably had to do with the fact that I’m a Panera lover and can can only imagine. So glad you shared this post!

    Reply

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