just say no

I have a tendency to Google things that I shouldn’t and scaring the shit out myself. You know, like when you have a headache and runny nose, and instead of blaming it on the common cold, you get ballsy and look it up only to be told you’re suddenly having a stroke, massive bowel blockage, and you’re two skips and a jump away from keeling over and landing face first into your morning bowl of Cheerios. If you don’t use Google as a health consultant already, don’t start. You’re treading into dangerous territory. Just say no.

Here in North Carolina, I feel like my house has been under siege from hordes of bugs. Even after an exterminator came by, and after the hundred+ I’ve killed, (or I’ve told my husband to kill as I scream in bloody terror, rocking back forth on the couch in the fetal position in tears,) they don’t stop! It’s insanity. So, I thought I’d take to Google to figure out what type of bug was trying to become my new roommate and… lover. (I mean, I did wake up in bed with one on my lip the other day… so I’m only assuming it wants to be.)

It’s simply called a ‘house centipede.’ Okay. That’s fine… at least they are common and not coming around because of my terrible housekeeping skills. That’s a win, right? My cats are entertained for hours playing with them when they’re bored, so it’s a bit of a win in my book.

Then I scrolled through Google pictures and found this:

House centipedes can GET. THIS. BIG. And in some places in Asia people keep them as pets. A pet. Like the cuddly dog you curl up on the couch with at night to share your ice cream cone with. (Can you imagine the creepy crawling sensation when this monster walks across your neck? I’m gagging.) There is absolutely nothing okay with this. Nothing. It’s safe to say I will never be stepping on the Asian continent.

Just say no to Google. Some things are better left unknown.

190 Comments

  1. You should check out Bosnia’s camel spiders… or perhaps not, if you’re not keen on bugs. 😉

    Thankfully, I don’t have an issue with bugs in my house, they’ve learnt the one rule… stay out or die… anything I see that should not be in my home dies. I give a pass to spiders, because they kill all the mosquitoes that think they’re too clever for me (and some are proven right, until they’re wrapped in silk, and stored as tomorrow’s lunch.) I once googled an ailment and was faced with a 200 page questionnaire that asked about any other aches and pains, besides the one I was googling about. There were so many I couldn’t decide where to start, so didn’t. I probably have green monkey disease, but hey ho, what I don’t know will kill me very suddenly, and I won’t care.

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  2. Nyx

    Dr Google made me believe that pretty much everything is cancer or a brain aneurysm. Or both.

    I began to wonder if there’s anything that’s truly safe to look up in Google images, so I looked up unicorn farts.

    Butterflies. Butterflies are the only safe thing to look up on GI.

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  3. Think of the dinner possibilities. Those things would also be good covered in chocolate.

    Did you know it’s possible to suffocate yourself with your own farts in your sleep if you sleep with the covers over your face? So don’t use the covers to protect yourself from bugs.

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    1. Haha, I’ve heard that! But they blankets have to be seriously pinned down. I actually had no idea about that until I read a news article a few years ago about a man playing a prank on his wife trying to dutch oven her, and killing her on accident. Oops! What a shitty way to go.

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  4. Like I totally agree with you. I too have a tendency to OVER GOOGLE. I finally did say know. I mean it happened when suddenly I came upon a list of sites. Among them was one that said they could tell you the date, time etc. of when you will DIE. Thank you but no thank you I have plenty enough of my own nightmares and I try to forget I am not immortal. Anyway after that I only Google the good things, the things I find interesting and the things that will make me smile. Of course even then try as I might I do bump into things I’d rather not bump into. You mentioned giant centipedes that is really gross so hope you can get rid of your little buggers. When I used to live in NYC my mom’s apartment building started filling up with Russian immigrants and we wound up with FLYING COCKROACHES and they were big. Glad we have none here in Riga, Latvia. Wishing you all the best until next time.

    Reply
    1. Flying cockroaches? Holy shit. That’s significantly worse than centipedes. Dear lord… no. NO. I remember coming across those “when will you die?” sites too. I would NEVER fill that out, it would make me way too paranoid and freaked out. Gives me anxiety just thinking about it lol.

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  5. Not the type of pet I ever saw when living in China. Crickets and birds are still popular.
    The praying mantis is an interesting insect – I think some people have it as a pet.
    Cockroaches and snakes I can do without. We only get garter snakes where I live.
    Wolf and black widow spiders too – the former leaves horrendous bites.

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    1. Praying Mantises are awesome. Not that I want to keep one as a pet, but when I see them outside I actually stop and stare at them. Very interesting creatures. We get those spiders here too, but I’ve never actually seen a Black Widow thankfully. That would be pretty scary.

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  6. When you have common symptoms like fatigue, body aches, bowel disturbances, pain in muscles and/or joints, etc. then Google leads you down a real rabbit hole to Scary Town. But my sis had specific symptoms and she went to doc after doc and no one could figure it out so she went to Google and found what she had and no one believed her because it was so rare! Took a dermatologist who felt sorry for her to research it and send her to the right specialist who in fact, told her she had what she had found on Google!
    As far as bugs, had I had a centipede on my face, I would have never slept again. When I moved from my upstairs bedroom to a basement bedroom, I was afraid of spiders and mice so I got myself a “tent bed” from Amazon and kept it zipped up all the time so every night when I climbed in it, I KNEW there would be no company in bed with me! I got a pink one and I am now using it in my camper so I don’t have to worry about mosquitoes or anything getting me while I sleep in there. Best purchase of my life. At least until they make an automatic pizza maker where you just hit a button and hot, fresh pizza comes out. (I live in the boonies so we get no food delivery service!!!)

    Reply
    1. Oh shit, Google was smarter than the doctors for once? I’m impressed! That’s the first time I’ve heard of Google being useful to diagnose an issue lol. I’m glad they found what it was. Mmm… a pizza maker. I’d chip a donation into crowdfunding for that haha

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  7. Jesus. I’m having my own infestation so this both cheered me up and freaked me out.
    Mine involved field mice (banner year due to last year’s acorn surplus- according to Google to be followed by tick plague this summer). Also got maggots in the garbage, which let me just say I will never, ever get over. They are so fast.

    Reply
    1. A tick plague?! Holy crap. Don’t go in the woods! Ick. Maggots are terrifying too. I was emptying an outside garbage once and a bunch of maggots fell into my hands. It was one of the most disgusting things that’s ever happened to me lol. I feel for you!

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      1. I had no idea how large and active they are until they crawled across my kitchen floor. The good part is I wrote them into one of my stories (disguised as a severed braid of hair). It was very therapeutic to give my horror to someone else to read. I’m starting to understand Stephen King a little more.

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  8. Yeah, we get these in our house–often–in Cincinnati. Moved here 12 years ago. First time I saw one, I said, “Holy —–!” But they’re actually pretty sweet. They answer to their name and loved being rubbed on the tummy.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh god, I won’t lie. If I could train a massive bug to answer to their name, I might be down to give it a try lol. Rubbing it on the belly… no. Gave me the chills thinking about it haha

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  9. OK, so much like an NSFW warning, you really should have warned us not to scroll down before showing a picture like that. I didn’t read the other 128 comments but I am sure someone already thanked you for giving them a night full of willies and paranoia before bedtime with the picture. (Its OK though still love reading your blog.)

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      You’re welcome 😀 Hahaha. You’re right, I should have put a warning, that thing is 100% what nightmares are made of. (Also, thanks for the kind words, I appreciate it!)

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  10. OMFG! LOL! This is hysterical and scary! And total relatable! Like what CAN WE NOT google nowadays and HOW did we get by with just Encyclopedia Brittanica before GOOGLE!!?? Well, the world (and bugs) (and diseases) seemed to be much easier to deal with back then at least amiright!? Damn you google!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Exactly. Not gonna lie, I miss having to learn everything from the Encyclopedia. A lot less paranoia those days! I miss it lol

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  11. Wow, pets, really? I guess there’s pets for everyone, but still I prefer my fuzzy little gerbils over that centipede. Yikes!

    Great post, though, You have a very entertaining way of writing 🙂

    Reply
      1. Amen to (all of) that! At least my pets eat nuts. In a very adorable manner, too. What does one feed a bug like that giant monster in the picture??

        How do you pet it!? D:

        I just remembered sometimes it’s better not to know an answer, lol.

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  12. Ok, so I was scrolling down in jumps in a fairly small window, and when I popped to the view with that bug on her neck I shouted, ‘Oh holy crap!’ and backed up in my chair. I got shivers down the right side of my body from elbow to toes… Pet… ok, no. Maybe it’s like prisoners in the old gaols under London that made pets of rats hoping to keep them from eating them while they slept? Once again you’ve elicited a big fat, Eeeew!!, from me. Thanks for the Friday morning heart attack. I better look up the remedy on Google. 🙂

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Don’t Google anything about heart attacks! I’ve done that before, and anxiety made me convinced I was 100% having one lol. That bug is NASTY. The first time I saw it the picture I did the same thing haha. So gnarly.

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  13. No. Absolutely not cohabiting with insects. Last summer we had yellow jackets make a nest in the wall of our cabin. For weeks we noticed them coming from the fireplace.10, 50, then 100s. My daughter is extremely frightened of bees and my dogs had gotten stung. The Exterminator said it was the worst he had ever seen. It took 2 treatments during 2 weeks and I vacuumed 100s off my living room floor daily. My point being don’t wait till it’s bad. Or too late……..

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Wow! That’s intense. Yellow jacket stings hurt too more than the other bees in my opinion. That sounds like a nightmare.

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  14. Anonymous

    Oh yeah, guilty, I google everything and I do go see a doctor with the self diagnosis lol thankfully she is very calm about it 🙂 And that huge centipede is scary as hell!!!! No thank you, dogs will do as pets for me 🙂

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I wish my doctors were as friendly about it as yours haha. Mine gets super pissed and will straight roll her eyes when I talk about it. Oops! Dogs are definitely better than bugs as pets. Gross 😀

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Right? I don’t get it either. But, I guess it’s the same people who keep snakes and tarantulas as pets. Gross. I get the chills just thinking about purposely having those things in the house haha

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  15. We have a downward sloping backyard with sandy/poor soil. So we have all but given up on grass and have turned it into a forest. Beautiful … but buggy. So we get regular visits from millipedes and mice and silver fish and cinch bugs. I just figure it goes with the territory. My wife is both disgusted and terrified.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I feel for her! I would feel the same exact way lol. I’ve never heard of a cinch bug, now I feel like I’m going to have to do the dreaded Googling of it. Ick. Having mice in my house would gross me out significantly more than bugs though, I gotta say lol.

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  16. Anonymous

    😂 Im in VA gurl, Im right there with ya, these bugz? I swear I see a new species every summer lol and That centipede? Str8 outta hell..

    Reply
  17. Hi, Blair. Thanks for following by blog. I’m enjoying the wit and snark on yours! Re: Google, I think it’s a curse. I love that I can find almost anything I want to know, but inevitably, there’s all the things I didn’t want to know. And half the time I’m sure the NSA is going to come knocking on my door, with my search history in their hand, because who looks up stuff like that? (Also I saw a comment about flying roaches and feel obliged to point out that they have them in Hawaii, too. Squadrons of them.)

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Thanks 😀 Flying roaches? Oh god. Roaches bother me more than any other bug out there. I would take that massive centipede before I have to face a roach. Not sure why they gross me out so much lol

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Aren’t they disgusting? They give me the chills just thinking about them… Ick. They don’t have these things where I grew up! Gah.

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  18. Ugh, from the time I was 10-13, my parents rented a house in Indianapolis. It was a beautiful, old brick house with crystal chandeliers, stained glass windows, and all kinds of cool stuff…plus it was infested with centipedes. I had never seen them before that and, thankfully, have not seen them since but my mom and I hated that house with a passion because of that. That was a looong time ago and I still check that house out on Zillow from time to time and wonder if they were ever able to eradicate those monsters. They still have the chandeliers and windows.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I love love love old homes! But… the centipedes would definitely ruin it for me, too. They are hard to get rid of sadly. We have an exterminator coming again this upcoming week to try again. Hopefully it works… because damn. They are nasty!

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        1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

          No, the house isn’t brick! I heard they were just attracted to places that were humid. Which sadly, is all of NC lol.

          Reply

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