i will cut a bitch

You ever have one of those days where absolutely nothing goes right? Like… all this random crap comes out of nowhere and piles on your shoulders until all your brain can manage to do is shut down while you sit in a corner and chomp on a tube of cookie dough like it’s a perfectly roasted turkey leg. My mind does this a lot in stressful times. I want to just not deal with things that give me anxiety. It’s easier to hide in my basement in the dark binge-watching Gilmore Girls for the 100th time rather than actually, you know… live life.

Monday morning Alex and I were gifted a wall of graffiti on our car. Some young, shitty kid with terrible parents thought it would be funny to take a Sharpie to our freshly waxed Audi. Well, I’m guessing it was a kid considering one of the words this little prick wrote was “lamo.” I’m assuming he meant ‘lame-o,’ but… education has obviously failed this little bastard. Other words he wrote: “die, bitch, fuck you, stupid, haha, you suck.” We are dealing with a genius here, guys.  Honestly, I figured it was an isolated incident so we spent a few hours trying to wash it off and called it a day. Until we woke up Tuesday morning and it was there again so we figured it was time to get the police involved.

There is no doubt in my mind that this is the work of the Neighbor Boy I’ve blogged about multiple times. You know, the kid whose bike I borrowed and whose balls I kicked in when he walked right into my front door with no warning. I’ve also made him fall into a nice hot puddle full of dog poop I awkwardly borrowed from my neighbor when he wouldn’t stop jumping our fence and trampling the flowers. We have a sordid past, but this is the first time it’s gone criminal. We live in one of the safest towns in America, yet we had to install multiple home surveillance cameras to try and catch this shithead in the act. I was hoping to take it to his parents if we get the video, but Alex wants to instantly turn it over to police and put it on his record.

The saga continues. This time I’ll give a point to Neighbor Boy. Subject to change whether we catch him on camera or not. If I can get the cops to scare the ever-loving shit out of him, I’ll award myself an extra point. #TeamBlair (Yes, I just hashtagged in the middle of a blog post.)

(Also, sorry if I missed/was super late responding to your comments on my last blog. Alex and I went to the mountains for a week, then when we got back we’ve been in a constant shitstorm of vandalizing and our cat had some medical issues that needed immediate attention. I still love you. I promise. *Wipes tear.*)

Blair: 3
Neighbor Boy: 1 

(Links to previous posts are below! Also in the middle of the post, but it’s  a lot nicer looking down here.)

help yourself to some tasty poop water (3/19/2016)
aim for the goods (5/18/2016)
i’m a petty thief (4/28/2017)




  1. He needs that “scared straight” program. I remember, we had (3) convicts recently released from prison that came to our junior high to talk about reforming, etc. One maybe two were their of their own accord, but I think it was part of their parole and community service…

    Anyway, he needs to be visited by someone like those guys and scare the crap out of him. Tell what prison life is like.

  2. Living in America you should count yourself lucky that the little brat hasn’t gone on a rampage yet with a parent’s assault rifle. He sounds like a future shocking news story waiting to happen?

    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh god, that would be terrible ! Haha. I’d set up a reverse fund to pay people to make it stop ! If that was a thing lol

  3. I’m sorry for what you went through. I wouldn’t have had as much patience as you did. I would have personally knocked the living hell out of that kid myself but, you know. Hahaha. I know you that this wasn’t easy but I truly enjoyed this post. 🙂

  4. Late to the party. I DO hole up in the basement . . . lately there are a lot of things I prefer not to deal with. Sigh.

    I hope your cat is ok.

    This boy’s behavior and the fact that his egg and sperm providers don’t do anything about it infuriate me. One of these days you are going to have to reveal his name . . . you’ll be saying, “Did you see the headlines about the guy who went crazy and killed a bunch of people? Well, yeah, that is the little ass that used to live on my street.” OR “Did you see the headlines where someone killed some guy because he was being an obnoxious shit? Well, yeah, that is the little ass that used to live on my street.” I seriously think it will come to something like this.

    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh, I agree – I think something like that will come of this little ass too. It legit worries me, so I feel like we need to just move out of here. My cats are actually doing really well as of now 😀 Woo!

  5. Janey

    I like how this is a kind of ongoing saga of yours. Have there been any more updates?
    I actually read your second post (“aim for the goods”) on this before the first one and I rather funnily assumed you’d said you were beating him 2-0 because you kicked him in the balls so it was 1 point for each ball. Lol. Nope you meant it was the second win.


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