i will cut a bitch

You ever have one of those days where absolutely nothing goes right? Like… all this random crap comes out of nowhere and piles on your shoulders until all your brain can manage to do is shut down while you sit in a corner and chomp on a tube of cookie dough like it’s a perfectly roasted turkey leg. My mind does this a lot in stressful times. I want to just not deal with things that give me anxiety. It’s easier to hide in my basement in the dark binge-watching Gilmore Girls for the 100th time rather than actually, you know… live life.

Monday morning Alex and I were gifted a wall of graffiti on our car. Some young, shitty kid with terrible parents thought it would be funny to take a Sharpie to our freshly waxed Audi. Well, I’m guessing it was a kid considering one of the words this little prick wrote was “lamo.” I’m assuming he meant ‘lame-o,’ but… education has obviously failed this little bastard. Other words he wrote: “die, bitch, fuck you, stupid, haha, you suck.” We are dealing with a genius here, guys.  Honestly, I figured it was an isolated incident so we spent a few hours trying to wash it off and called it a day. Until we woke up Tuesday morning and it was there again so we figured it was time to get the police involved.

There is no doubt in my mind that this is the work of the Neighbor Boy I’ve blogged about multiple times. You know, the kid whose bike I borrowed and whose balls I kicked in when he walked right into my front door with no warning. I’ve also made him fall into a nice hot puddle full of dog poop I awkwardly borrowed from my neighbor when he wouldn’t stop jumping our fence and trampling the flowers. We have a sordid past, but this is the first time it’s gone criminal. We live in one of the safest towns in America, yet we had to install multiple home surveillance cameras to try and catch this shithead in the act. I was hoping to take it to his parents if we get the video, but Alex wants to instantly turn it over to police and put it on his record.

The saga continues. This time I’ll give a point to Neighbor Boy. Subject to change whether we catch him on camera or not. If I can get the cops to scare the ever-loving shit out of him, I’ll award myself an extra point. #TeamBlair (Yes, I just hashtagged in the middle of a blog post.)

(Also, sorry if I missed/was super late responding to your comments on my last blog. Alex and I went to the mountains for a week, then when we got back we’ve been in a constant shitstorm of vandalizing and our cat had some medical issues that needed immediate attention. I still love you. I promise. *Wipes tear.*)

Blair: 3
Neighbor Boy: 1 

(Links to previous posts are below! Also in the middle of the post, but it’s  a lot nicer looking down here.)

help yourself to some tasty poop water (3/19/2016)
aim for the goods (5/18/2016)
i’m a petty thief (4/28/2017)

 

 

143 Comments

    1. Damn, I immediately got a huge visual right in my face and quite unexpectedly, hahahaha. I mean, it scared me! 🙂 And your profile picture is so sweet and delicate! I don’t know why I’m cracking up so hard right now. You totally made me laugh.

      Reply
  1. Some kids won’t straighten up without the hard arm of the law coming down on their pointy little heads.

    Maybe he’s dyslexic, and meant to write LMAO instead of LAMO, I remember doing that once when I was drunk and the keys were moving around on my keyboard.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I mean, I didn’t think of it as being lmao. It’s definitely a possibility lol. I hope we do catch him on video. Someone needs to give the kid a reality check since his parents won’t! Grr.

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      1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

        You’re probably right. He gets zero attention from them, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s searching for ways to get it!

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I wish! I doubt it though. His parents ARE idiots that are never around. They lack all common sense I’m pretty sure.

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      1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

        DAMN lol. Savage 😀 I’d applaud you though, if it were my shithead neighbor kid. Come bring your belt! Please!

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      It’s tough. I really do want to just drop kick this kid’s face, but jail doesn’t sound too fun to me lol

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  2. That’s terrible!! I hope you catch him on camera….little shit head! And…hope to hear your kitty is on the mend. I also had some issues that needed attention, but I just came back from my follow up visit from my vet, and he signed me off on a clean bill of health!! I feel much better.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Aw, I’m glad you’re feeling better 😀 My kitty is getting better (I think, waiting for a few shots to run their course and actually take effect.) She has severe food allergies and something bothered her while my husband and I were on vacation last week. According to the vet, it caused some inflammation which led to her getting a painful rat ulcer on her lip. 🙁 She should be fine though. Going to try a different prescription food and hope everything settles back down. 🙂

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Agreed. Hopefully the saga will end once we catch him and turn it over to police. It was all harmless until this point. What a dick.

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  3. Wow. I feel sorry for this kid and I have mixed emotions about your situation. It’s hard to know whether you should go to the police with this. It might wake him up (and his parents) or propel him down the criminal path. My son had a very bad time of it growing up (unfortunately, a lot of it self-inflicted) and his dad and I tried numerous interventions with him, starting when he was about 14. It did take the police and a criminal conviction to turn him around, but not until he was 23. One thing is certain – this neighbour kid’s behaviour is escalating, and you don’t want to be the recipient of more of that.

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    1. Yeah, it’d be nice if the police would/could do more looking into the ‘why’ and find some help for kids like this. But I think the escalation is serious enough that Blair needs to protect her own family first at this time…unfortunately.

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      1. What a great idea what would be, to have some sort of middle ground action before jail. I also agree that his escalating behavior may cause worse damage to property in the future which costs money and time, all taking away from Blair’s own family.

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      2. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

        Thanks, and I agree. Talking to his parents has never worked before even though I know multiple other neighbors who have tried. It’s gotta come from someone with authority.

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    2. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I mean, I do agree for the most part, and have reserves about turning him in at such a young age. This kid isn’t even 12 yet. That being said, from my experience his parents aren’t even trying to do anything about it. I don’t believe there are any interventions going on when numerous people in the neighborhood have talked to them about different things. This is probably the only way to go to get anything across. It’s tough because I don’t want to ruin the kids life… but at the same time, I’m not going to let him keeping vandalizing my property. It’s a shitty situation all around :\

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  4. S. A. Young

    As soon as I read the words Sharpie and Audi, I instantly thought, “that horrible kid!”. I do hope you catch him in act. How’s the cat? Psychopaths start with animals ya know…

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      He really is horrible. My cat is doing better, got some meds and just waiting for it to take effect. Luckily, both my cats are indoor so unless he breaks into my house we won’t have any issues there. It’s funny you mention that though, because yesterday he was walking around the neighborhood trying to catch a bunny. I don’t know what for… but I’m scared to know. I was ready to yell at him if he came onto our property because we have a nest of babies in the backyard and the mom and dad are always hopping around nearby. I have a feeling he wasn’t going to trap it with good intentions. Sad :\

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  5. Ugh honestly this sort of thing also drives me nuts. I don’t blame the kids really, I mean for godsake their parents are supposed to be watching them, or at least teaching them how to behave properly! Where I live that’s pretty much all I see are little kids running around unsupervised (and no your slightly older sibling does not count as supervision). I’m quite frankly shocked when I see parents who actually have their kids in their sights at all times…
    Well at least ours haven’t graffitied anything up (yet). Count your blessings right?

    Meno<3

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh, I blame the parents 100%. This kid’s parents are NEVER around. He’s always outside wandering alone. Trudging through people’s properties and leaving shit behind. He’s terrible, but his parents are worse for letting the behavior go. Hopefully your neighborhood kids don’t turn into criminals!

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  6. This is why we can no longer do neighbors. Great story, sorry it has to be fueled by such crappy neighborhood behavior, which is the worst kind. Looking forward to getting caught up on all the other stunts this little hellion has pulled.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Right? I don’t blame you. I’m ready to move to the middle of nowhere just so I don’t have to be around anyone else anymore lol

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I agree! I don’t know what would actually happen to the kid just for vandalizing and trespassing. Alex wants him put in juvie, but doubt that would happen. The fucker needs it though.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Right? The dog shit makes it sting slightly less 😀 My kitty is doing better. It’s nothing serious thankfully. Alex and I got back home from vacation last week and she had a big ulcer on her face which was obviously causing her pain 🙁 The vet says it was just from inflammation caused by her severe food allergies. She should be good soon!

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  7. I am so sorry to hear this! I hope your camera catches something – I agree that it should be handed to the police as soon as you collect evidence. Keep us posted! I was going to talk about my shitty day but after reading yours, mine is all peaches and cream compared to yours!

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      It’s okay, I’m sure there are worse things that could happen to us! I hope we catch him in the act too 🙂 I’m convinced it should go to the police right away too now. We’ve tried to talk to the parents before and nothing has ever come of it, so it’s pretty pointless to try again. I hope your day got better, and today is much smoother 🙂

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I hope that IS what happens! Just waiting to get this prick on tape. I’m convinced it needs to go right to police now too. Talking to his parents never gets us anywhere.

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  8. Hopefully it’s on tape! Hey, BTW: does this kid know about your blog/Twitter? He might just be doing it to be spiteful. Not saying it excuses his behavior, but you know how some people are.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Alex and I actually talked about that, but I highly highly doubt it. I don’t even think the kid knows my name. Nobody in my family knows about my blog or has found it, so I doubt an 11 year old would. I mean, it’s possible, but I’d say like 1% lol.

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  9. Well obviously no one else was as captivated as I was by the Gilmore Girls comment. Are we all just going to let that one slide? I think the answer is staring us in the face here people. What would Emily Gilmore do? She would get one of her nameless employees of the week to sit in the driveway with a handheld camera and document his ass, while she watches through the window holding a cristal high ball full of scotch.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Hahaha, you’re totally right. I could picture her doing that! Now, only if I had some employees roaming around my house that I could abuse like Emily 😀

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  10. Maybe was meant to be “limo”?!
    This little criminal ought to be sent to MILITARY SCHOOL like someone else we know…? 😉 (Not that it helped at all in his case, mind you…)

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh jeez, he really does need military school. Or SOMETHING that will teach this shithead how to get his crap in order.

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  11. Since it’s escalating, you should call the police. And stop playing games with him. Your posts are funny and would make a great novella about a pesky kid facing off with his wily neighbor , but the kid needs reining in one way or another and probably some kind of help.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh, we did call the police! They already know who we think it is and told us to put up the security cameras to catch him. Everything else was harmless, but it’s turned criminal now. Hopefully the end of the saga will be us catching him on video and turning it over to the police. It would be a good ending lol

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      1. It’ll be interesting to find out how it ends up. It’s mostly been pretty hilarious, but ugh, what a pain to deal with…. Hope the kid shapes up and his parents realize they need to do something.

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  12. The second you mentioned what happened I had the same suspect. I would almost call him an ‘expect’ instead. His wanton disregard for boundaries and the fact you created some for him in the way you did, create a perfect scenario for him to choose you to lash out at when he wanted to push boundaries as a teen. I think your husband is right to put this on record immediately. Unfortunately, the boy’s in destructive rebel phase, and since he apparently is not being given boundaries (with consequences) at home, he’ll likely continue or even escalate in pushing you until he meets a boundary he’s not willing or able to cross. Police are there to enforce that.
    I know this comment sounds serious. But I think it’s not funny anymore. Take care, and, in my opinion, take action.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I agree 100%. He is the only person that we can think of that would want to lash out at us, and we already gave our opinion to the police. I’ve changed my mind since I posted this, and definitely will turn the video over to police if we catch him. Something needs to happen. It was all being a stupid harmless kid before, but now that it’s turned criminal I’m completely done. Hopefully the post saga will end with us turning him in with proof. That’s what I’m hoping for at least!

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Thank you! He creeps me out now too. He never did before, I thought he was just an idiot kid… but now it’s gone way too far. Makes me uncomfortable in my own home. I have to sit here and stare at a security cam feed all day lol.

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  13. Wow… it’s turning serious and I would FREAK if someone messed with my car that way. I had two people hit it while parked 2 days in a row and freaked b/c there were not notes left… but sharpie! Definitely police time – tho’ agree with sofania to stop messing back (earlier posts) Plus who’s to say they won’t say this is the reason and put the blame (in correctly!!!) on you.
    Please be safe… don’t know what we’d do without our Blair.
    BTW… thought I was the only one that turned to GG when the going got tough – definitely my stress reducer too! Catch that bugger – hopefully he didn’t see you putting up the security cameras – and go directly to the police.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      It’s definitely serious now, and we were PISSED when it happened the first night. The second night made us feel sick to our stomach and uncomfortable so we were happy to call the police and get them involved. I don’t really think they can put any blame on us… I’ve never even left my property, he’s always trespassed and done it on mine, but who knows. We are done with the shithead. Hopefully the saga will end with us catching him on video and turning it over to the police! Asshole kid! I LOVE GG. It never gets old lol

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  14. How old is this kid? I’m just thinking that it might be better off dealing with the parents than with the kid himself. – I don’t mean you personally – I mean via various social services, It seems like some domestic intervention is necessary and this might be a chance to set that in motion while taking it out of your hands.

    To deal with Sharpies, I suggest nail polish remover.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      The kid is actually younger than I though, and I’m pretty sure he is around 11 right now. My niece said he was her age because she has come over and played with him before a few years ago, but I don’t know how accurate she is. I hadn’t thought of taking that approach though. Maybe calling Social Services would be worth it too.

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      1. I guess it depends on what “Social Services” means in your area. They can be both fantastic and awful. But an 11 year old is a child – maybe his harassing you is really just seeking your attention (as in a call for help – that is how most troubled 11 year-olds work in my experience). You are a good egg, Blair. I’m betting you could find the best way to help this kid.

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  15. Too bad you couldn’t put up an electric fence and flick the switch to ON when he comes around. I agree with Alex. Give the tape right to the police. From the sounds of the parents’ track record with raising him, I don’t think showing them would make a difference.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Haha that would be amazing. I’m not sure our HOA would enjoy an electric fence, but I sure would 😀 You’re right, I’ve changed my mind and totally agree. His parents have done nothing to help before, so we will be turning it over to police if we catch him!

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Wow. It would have been funny if it was chalk or something that would wash right off, but permanent dicks on your property… not cool.

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      1. I just think “teenagers right?” In my case it honestly wasn’t the worst he’d done, he had more graphic things to say and depict so I think we may have either been the first driveway and he got more ‘creative’ as he went along, or we were one of the last and he was running out of spray paint…

        But in our situations we can comfort ourselves knowing that karma is a bitch and when those little punks grow up there will definitely be some equally rebellious jerk out to mess with them.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      It IS a terrible kind of hell. I really only like kids if they are related to me, or I know their families personally. Hopefully we can move out of this neighborhood soon and out to the country. It’s terrible! lol

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      1. Also I agree with the whole getting a police paper trail started even if it frustratingly hard to catch the little bastard. After last summer, I am VERY much the obnoxious person who files a report at the drop of a hat.

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  16. I give you guys so much credit because I’d have been wearing County Orange after the first attack. Hope you catch him, and better yet – I hope you get him to just leave you all alone.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Right? I mean, we didn’t know if it was him the first night, because it seemed super random. I truly thought after the first night that it was just some dumb kid walking through the neighborhood and it would never happen again. After the second time, and watching the kid from one of our windows at him looking at our car where it was written on to see if it was still there, we were sure it was him. My husband wants to beat the shit out of him, but we are trying our hardest (and barely succeeding! haha) to wait for him to appear on our security cam doing it again. Then we’d at least have proof.

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  17. Anonymous

    I’m so sorry that this is even something you have to deal with – and not just once. While I’ve never had this scenario happen before, I have certainly had weeks that pile up. That your hope on a terrible day is that it can’t get any worse, and then tomorrow happens. And it keeps going. But eventually, it really will be better (with a lot of time, support, and maybe some police-involvement it sounds).

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Thank you! It’s terribly stressful having to deal with it. It’s starting to get a little better, but we had a few days where everything was going wrong. It’s hard not to want to just shut down. But you’re right, it always turns around! Yesterday was already better than the previous 🙂

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  18. Ugh. What a little dickhole. I don’t know about you but it would be hard for me to not take something like that personally. I hope you do catch that little effer and I hope his parents take this seriously and not just say, “oh that’s what kids do”. That would be even worse!

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I hate when parents say that lol. No, that’s what kids of shitty parents do! Idiots. I DO take it a little personally… but I have zero idea why it would be me. I honestly never talk to the kid or even look his way unless he’s on my property.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I feel really stupid saying this, but I have no idea what FTP is! Unless we are talking about computers. Or is it ‘fuck the police?’ Haha. I’m an idiot.

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  19. «I was hoping to take it to his parents if we get the video, but Alex wants to instantly turn it over to police and put it on his record.» I’m with Alex on this one. A cop at the door would be much more impressive than an irate neighbor.

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  20. I think it might be time for a bear trap. Or some well hidden flame throwers with motion detectors attached.

    I had a species of obnoxious brat living next door to me in Germany. He scratched all around my freshly re-painted car one evening, but left the screwdriver under my car. So I lay in wait for him dressed in a clown suit, with a baseball bat and when he came back to do more damage the following evening I chased him down the street, roaring at him. He didn’t go near my car again. 😀

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Hahaha oh my god. My husband wanted to sit and wait for him, but I told him not to. That’s hilarious. I’m really liking the idea of motion detector flame throwers though. I think that’d get the job done for sure.

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  21. My wife thought I overreacted when I wanted to place landmines and barbed wire after our neighbor kids drove their brand-new four wheelers into our house on Christmas Day.

    You’ve put up with far worse; it’s time to bring the pain in whatever manner you can.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Wait… like they drove inside? Or crashed into the outside of it? Either way, what dicks. Neighbor kids are terrible everywhere. Barbed wire and landmines seem appropriate to me lol

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  22. If the brat really did use Sharpie markers to deface the car, U can remove the graffiti by rubbing gently with isopropanol (AKA isopropyl alcohol), a common antiseptic. The marker ink is so soluble in isopropanol that U do NOT need to rub hard enough to take off paint.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Thanks for the suggestion! We actually used toothpaste. Weird, right? Who knew toothpaste would work lol. Now we just need to get the car rewashed and waxed and hope the evidence is gone forever.

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  23. I vote for going Wyle E Coyote. Get a spring trap that will catch him in a net and let him dangle from a tree until the cops come. As long as it doesn’t hurt him, it shouldn’t be child abuse. (I don’t know if Acme is still in business)

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  24. We only have one neighbor (except for a couple of people across the road). Since we’re related by virtue of her granddaughter marrying our youngest son I don’t really worry about her going postal on my vehicles. And she’s 75. I’m pretty sure I can take her.
    The numbnuts across the road once came on my property in the late hours of the night. Our Anatolian Shepherd really wanted to eat him but I didn’t want the dog to get into trouble so I went out with a loaded gun and calmly said, “Motherf**ker, if you’re not off my property in two seconds I will shoot your stupid ass and then sue your widow!” He was playing Pokemon Go and thought trespassing was okay if you were playing that stupid game.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Wow, you went full ham! Hahaha. Threatened with a gun just for stepping on your property. I like your style 😀

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      1. If it had been daylight I would have just hollered at him but it’s REALLY strange to have someone out here on your property after dark. I have a motto “Threaten first. Ask questions later.”

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I probably would have laughed at the penis! On the actual car is going too far though 🙁 Driveway Penis sounds like a good story.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh, I agree. I haven’t even spoken to him about it. Just hoping the camera catches him if he tries it again! Little jerk.

      Reply

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