how dare she!

Remember when the hardest decision you’d have to face all day was what flavor Kool-Aid you wanted to have? It was an important choice, fueled by the fear that if you didn’t pick the right one it wouldn’t complement the taste of your Flintstone’s vitamins. I ate those like crack when I was a kid. When my mom wasn’t looking I’d crawl onto the counter and steal an entire handful and shove them into my grubby little mouth. She caught me once, and moved them to a place where I couldn’t reach no matter how hard I tried. That was the first time I remember wishing that fire would rain down on her. How dare she do such a thing! The nerve of that woman.

flintstones

Yesterday Alex and I were having a lengthy conversation about Hot Pockets. I know… wtf, right? We talk about some random shit in my house. Hot Pockets aren’t exempt. When I was a kid, I thought Hot Pockets were the best invention. I even wrote a small report on them for school about their greatness. I thought that they were packaged in something that would, quite literally, keep them hot while they were in your pocket. Great for people who wanted a snack while they were in class or people who couldn’t take a break at work. I was amazed. What a genius idea.

So, I didn’t grow up wanting to be a ballerina or a veterinarian. I grew up wanting to work for whoever made Hot Pockets. My parents wanted me to aim high. So I did.

buzzlightyearkids

I love the innocence of childhood. Luckily, I’m surrounded by young nieces and nephews to remind me how great life is when you’re young. Actually, I’m going to leave y’all with a joke my 4-year-old niece told me last weekend that had her rolling around in laughter.

A hippo put on a purple coat.

 

…….. I wish I was as funny as her.

Also, Happy (late) Mother’s Day to all the Mom’s that read here. Y’all are strong, kickass women. I raise my invisible morning mimosa to you!

88 Comments

  1. Flintstones vitamins were a problem. Because the purple Dinos were clearly the best ones, and the company went and put all those other stupid shapes and flavors in there, when it should all have been purple Dinos.

    I’m really glad I hadn’t just drunk a mouthful of tea right before I saw your picture of Buzz. Dang, you were precocious!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I didn’t actually draw that photo! I just found it online haha. But it was hilarious, right? I wish that were my kid! Mmm purple dinos.

      Reply
  2. Flinstones Vitamins were the shit! My parents always bought hot pockets in bulk (Costco, Sam’s Club), and they were always either Ham & Cheese or Pizza flavored. I used to think that any other flavor I’d see at the store were fake .. children are silly haha. Still love hot pockets though! Can’t ever go wrong with them! 😉

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Right? I LOVE the pizza ones! They are the best lol mmm. I haven’t bought them in forever, but I feel like I need to start again lol

      Reply
  3. My daughter was a picky eater when she was little. One of her approved foods was the ham and cheese Hot Pocket. I owe that company a fruit basket or something for helping me keep my offspring alive.

    Reply
  4. Oh, the Flintstones Vitamins heists. I remember them well. But I had fellow cohorts that would aid and abet me as we snuck off to the study to down the bottle of vitamins. LOL

    I would also sneak the sugar bowl off the counter and sit in the cabinet under said counter, and just start shoveling down spoonfuls. It wasn’t easy, but damn it was good!

    Any time someone says Hot Pockets I think of Jim Gaffigan, can’t help it. I too thought they were awesome. Ha, now I can’t even look at them.

    You have to love the jokes of 4-yr-olds. They are too cute! 🙂

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Hahaha, that stuff comes in clutch when you have a cold for sure. I hate actually putting on myself though, it gets on everything so quick, then my entire house will smell like Vicks for a month. Eek

      Reply
  5. I really never had an affinity for hot pockets – them suckers were on my avoid at all costs list. The evening would go like this:

    Eat a hot pocket.
    Chase it down with a couple of Tums.
    Eat More Tums.
    As the evening would progress, the fire would slowly creep its way up my esophagus.
    More Tums would knock it down a peg or two.
    By bedtime, the fires raging in my digestive tract would transform from a hot pocket to the legendary Phoenix, determined to claw its way out of my body via my throat.

    Fuggit – eat the entire bottle of Tums with a handful of Tylenol PM in a desperate attempt to slip into a medical coma until digestion was complete.

    The next morning – take the mother of all burning BM’s to vent the remains.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Damn! Hot pockets don’t have that effect on me haha. That sucks. I would stay far away from them too if I were you. Not worth the firey pain!

      Reply
  6. Hot Pockets. Oh my. Jim Gaffigan leaps to mind, followed immediately by a vivid memory of stomach acid squirting all the way up my esophagus. To say nothing of the other squirts. I’ve never been able to eat them.

    No Flintstones for me – it was baby aspirin all the way. My mother wouldn’t buy them any more after I tried to swallow a whole bottle.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Damn! Hot pockets have never given me digestion issues before lol. Seems like a common problem. Ick. Not worth the pain. Baby aspirin is a lot more dangerous to be eating as candy! Damn. Scary lol.

      Reply
  7. Those vitamins, made to look cute and appeal to kids, are a dangerous thing. My son climbed up on a cabinet to a high shelf and ate an entire bottle once. I had to get his stomach pumped. Do they still make these or have pretty detergent pods that look like candy taken over the function of poisoning children?

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Damn, I’m glad your son ended up alright. Based on the comments on this post, it seems like the sugar coated aspirin tablets have taken over the poisoning children role. Which seems even worse!

      Reply
  8. If you love Hot Pockets, you should come to our house every Sunday night for a nice nourishing meal! You’d probably also love Frozen Pizza Fridays! You can be like the daughter I never had…and always wanted!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      They are pretty damn good! Especially with the pretzel crust. They have like no nutritional value lol. Not good for you at all. But they are yummy!

      Reply
  9. Did I ever tell you about my high school friend, Dave, who used to tell his friends that our English teacher was saving his cum in his freezer and serving his guests ice cum cones?

    No, I probably didn’t tell you that one. I was saving that one for this blog, apparently.

    Hot Pockets. Time to listen to some Jim Gaffigan.

    Reply
  10. When I was a kid, back in the stone age, we had Coke Syrup. It tasted like coca cola, only sweeter and it was thick like syrup. We we were all slightly addicted to it. It was a common treatment for stomach ailments. We had stomach aches all the time apparently. I don’t know if it’s true but we sometimes hypothesize that it had cocaine residue from the coca leaves it was made from which is why we all loved it so much.

    Ahh the good old days.

    Reply
  11. lmao That Buzz Lightyear drawing had me cracking up. Too funny. 😛
    I loved those Flinstone’s vitamins when I was a kid too. Tried them once as an adult and thought they were absolutely horrid. It’s funny how much our taste buds change as we get older.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I wonder if they changed the recipe to make them less appealing for child theft 😀 That photo killed me!

      Reply
  12. I love a good hippo joke!! 💙 This is great by the way. I love how I start to read your posts and the judge them by the title and then im taken to some other magical place of laughter. Rock on Blair!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Thanks 😀 I try to get creative with my titles. Sometimes it works, others it’s a swing and a miss lol

      Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Good thinking! I was like that with my vitamin gummies. I used to eat them right before bed. I tiny bit of sweetness to end the night 😀

      Reply
  13. Flintstone vitamins tasted bitter to me. Plus I was a tender child who couldn’t bring herself to eat anything that reminded me of people. Seemed cannibalistic to me– although I didn’t know that word back them. Love your niece’s joke. 🙂

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Aw. Eating Flintstone’s isn’t cannibalistic 😀 I can see why you thought that as a kid though! So sweet lol

      Reply
  14. PLEASE tell me the Hot Pocket report was real and not hyperbole for the story. If it was hyperbole for the story I’m okay with it because two big thumbs up for the laughs, but I really want you to have written a report about Hot Pockets…

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      No, sadly it was a real story lol. Hot Pockets mystified me when I was young! I still think they need to make ones that you can pull out of your pocket and they are magically hot.

      Reply
  15. Hot Pockets drove me nuts! you burnt your tongue on the first bite.. and the half frozen middle made it feel better..
    You certainly aren’t shy.. just let it fly 🙂
    Thank you for the follow..

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I agree – Hot Pockets come out WAY too hot. It used to frustrate me that I had to let them sit for ten minutes before eating. Not very convenient, after all lol. I’m definitely not shy nor do I censor 😀

      Reply
  16. We had both the Flinstones Chewables AND the baby aspirin. Apparently it was drilled into our heads that if we had more than one a day, we’d DIE. My baby sister popped a baby aspirin one day and I remember screaming to my mother that she’d poisoned herself. Mom asked how many she took. “one”….I was so…MAD that it was NO BIG DEAL. What??? Up to that point MY CHILDHOOD WAS A LIE

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh man, the horror! I never had a thing for baby aspirin, I mean, I know they are candy coated…. but my parents never gave it to us. It seems like a good thing. Too many druggie kids zombie walking around from the baby aspirin 😀

      Reply

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