i’m a petty thief

When I was young there was a woman who lived across the street from me that I had on good authority to be a witch. She lived in a small one-story house closed in by a tall wooden fence with paint chipping off, and covered in a shade of pine trees. Let’s be real here – she scared the ever-living shit out of me and all of the other kids I knew. Theories flooded the neighborhood, and when you’re an impressionable six-year-old, it’s not a big leap into believing she killed her husband and let her dog eat his corpse in some sort of sadistic ritual. I was convinced. Every time I saw her walking her massive German Shepherd down the street, I clutched my Cabbage Patch Kid, hid, and sent out a few prayers. She frightened me so much I’d start crying if I was alone outside, or if I thought she caught me through a window. It was a truly terrifying time. She was my Boo Radley.

I’ve had an ongoing issue with one of the neighborhood kids in my cul-de-sac. I’ve posted about him before – making him swim in dog-poop-water, and kicking him in the balls one night when he walked – without knocking – in my front door. To sum it up, he’s a kid that has no respect for anybody and has asshole parents that don’t pay attention to him. I haven’t had much issue with him lately, except for the fact he leaves shit in my yard all the time even after I ask him multiple times to move them. So, I decided to start storing them in my garage for him, you know, so they don’t get ruined. I wouldn’t want his pretty new bike to get rusted or something, right? Okay, I’m a petty thief. I’ll admit it.  I noticed him yesterday evening knocking on every person’s door but mine looking for his bike. He would glance over towards our house, but he was too afraid to come ask. I even went outside to get the mail, giving him a chance to talk to me in a neutral area, but he scurried away inside the second I started to emerge.

This kid literally ran away from me and was willing to give up his new bike just so he didn’t have to talk to me. That’s pretty bad. So, I’ve come to the sad realization that I am somebody’s Boo Radley, too. I don’t know if I should take it as an honor, or feel bad about it. Am I that crazy that the townsfolk are scared of me? Should I try to make nice with these kids, or ride it out until Halloween and  try to scare them so much it’ll be a night they’ll never forget? What do I do with this great power?

(Don’t worry, this morning I wheeled his bike back to his front yard. I didn’t actually intend on keeping it.)

On another note – today is my 3-year-anniversary for signing up on WordPress. Woo! Granted, I didn’t start actually blogging until months after that.

120 Comments

  1. Hahahahahaahahaha I love everything about this. I readily admit that I am not, and never have been, a kid person. I have two of my own, who are (most of the time) the light of my life, but other people’s kids annoy me. I’m the mom that snaps off at other people’s kids when they act like assholes in front of me and the parents aren’t doing anything about it. It’s not making me any “mom” friends, but meh, who needs ’em? 😉

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I’m the exact same way! I mean, I don’t have kids yet – but I have a HIGH patience for my nieces/nephews/friend’s kids, but all other kids annoy the crap out of me hahaha. Oops!

      Reply
  2. Oh you have got to keep exercising that power. Once kids learn to walk and talk we start losing our edge over them. Don’t ever want to do that. Especially the ones that aren’t yours.
    On another note, we share a celebration day. Today is actually my birthday. Happy milestones to us!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh snap! What a coincidence. Happy Birthday 😀 (now a day late, oops!) Definitely want to keep my edge over the asshole kids 😀

      Reply
  3. I actually think it’s a brilliant idea! If he leaves stuff on your property then it’s up for grabs. Actually, I think you are nicer than I am. I would have sold his stuff on ebay.

    Reply
    1. Haha, I’m not gonna lie, I was a little disappointed that the bike went back to the yard. At the very least, I’d drive it to the end of the street, leave it resting on a stop sign, and let the universe decide if he or a real thief gets to it first.

      Reply
  4. Kim

    Love this! I actually love to dress up as a witch on Halloween and sit out on my porch with the candy in a cauldron with a skeleton sitting in it! One year, every child that came for candy was greeted with me wringing my hands and saying “Oh, goody, children……I love children with a side of potatoes and some sweet peas!” and a sinister laugh! Most just cautiously came up the steps and grabbed their candy, but I actually made one little boy cry and I felt so bad that I never did that again……but, I love to tell the story!!! hehehe

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Haha, that’s amazing! It’s Halloween – you’re supposed to make kids cry, right? 😀 That sounds super fun lol

      Reply
    2. You stopped saying it?!! This is what’s the matter with America’s youth. We adults are failing to raise them with a substantial amount of fear and respect. If they think the world is all roses then they won’t respect their elders. They see no struggle. Just overworked complainers who willingly gave up their childhood to be lazy thinkers. It’s imagination that takes work!

      Oh my goodness, I think I just came up with a writing idea right in your comment box… That sounds a bit personal, but you know what I mean. I’ll be sure to link you in the post when it comes out!

      Reply
  5. We used to have massive Big Wheel smash-up derbies in the driveway of our neighborhood witch for some reason. It seemed fun to be destructive while under the constant threat of being eaten.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      That sounds quite fun, really. Are Big Wheels a thing still? I feel like I haven’t heard about them in forever lol

      Reply
  6. My next door neighbor is my Boo Radley — The first time I met her I was coming in as she was going. Now, this broad looks like Linda Hamilton got rode hard and put up wet. I said “good morning” and she said nothing. I didn’t think she heard me so I said it louder. She just slammed her car door and left.

    Okay.

    The next encounter, I had parked all janky, so S.O. had to park his truck all jankly like a foot on her “parking area”. When she pulled in I could hear all kinds of swearing — fuck this, fuck that… We thought she was talking to someone on the phone — probably Comcast. Next think we know there’s this loud, thunderous knocking on my door. It’s Rode-Hard-Put-Up-Wet-Linda-Hamilton demanding S.O. move his truck. So I parked not so janky so he could park and that was that.

    When I went to renew my lease last week, I was talking with my property manager and told him about the incident that had happened with her months ago.

    “Oh, Joan. She’s crazy. Like literally insane.” And proceeded to tell me this story about her water meter, and him trying to help her, and her calling corporate on him. From then on, she refuses to speak with him and comes in stomping and in a huff to pay her rent.

    Guess she’s my property manager’s Boo Radley too.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh, she sounds like a DELIGHT haha. Wow. I always wonder how people end up so crazy and angry. She would make me nervous as hell haha

      Reply
      1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

        Thanks 😀 That would be amazing though. I need to put some flaming poop bags on their front stoop. GENIUS!

        Reply
        1. It harks back to “Can’t Buy Me Love” pre “McDreamy” days of Patrick Dempsy. Tho’ I’m not “condoning this…” Hang in there scary girl aka Boo Radeley (Note: You are likely NOT as bad as you think…” Snarky (which I love) yes, mean and scary – Nah… 😉

          Reply
  7. In our old house I scared the absolute shit out of the kids across the street and I loved every minute of it. They were rude, destructive, violent, loud, and their mother never did a thing about it. I miss being able to yell at those kids.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh snap, we are twins! It’s kind of hilarious, isn’t it? Being the torment of a child’s existence? That sounds so cruel, but still.

      Reply
  8. I think it is HILARIOUS you hid his bike. If it is on your property and you have asked him multiple times, I think it’s now YOUR bike. Would it be taking it too far to ride by his house on HIS bike? Kids need to learn to 1. Not be such entitled turds and 2. How to be more responsible. When I was a kid, I never listened to my parents when they said to put my roller skates away. I would just leave them in the front yard, right where I took them off. My parents both warned me that someone would steal them. Well, one day someone did “steal” them. My dad made me sweat it out the whole day until he told me where I could find them, hidden in his truck. You are just teaching him a very valuable lesson since his parents obviously aren’t!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Right? My parents did the same sort of thing. I NEVER left stuff out. It takes a village to raise a child, and I’m doing my part by stealing his shit, right? Putting some good karma out there. (I don’t think that’s how it works… but still.)

      Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      That was a good idea, too. But I was slightly scared the cops would be called on me or something lol. You never know.

      Reply
  9. I’m impressed by your single-minded purpose to become the worst neighbor on the block– or at least from a kid’s point of view. Revel in your Boo Radley-ness as all the rest of us too-nice-for-our-own-good neighbors salute you.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I will take the lead and run with it! Haha. I like being a terrible neighbor – but only to this family. I’m actually quite friendly to the rest of the kids. Although, I scurry to my car without talking and making eye contact a lot, so it’s possible they still find me strange. Oops

      Reply
  10. I’m more like Linda Blair in the ‘Excorcist’, perhaps because am dealing with adult neighbors who suddenly have 10 cars and park in front of our house so we can’t and one car’s alarm goes off at 2am ALL THE TIME. Would make anybody’s head turn all the way around.

    Reply
  11. We used to do a big halloween display every year and I would dress up. One year, i put on a skullcap and skeleton makeup on my face then dressed normally. Lots of scared kids and adults once they got close enough. I find out years later that the lady down the street had been telling her kid, for years, that I was a witch and would get him if he didn’t eat his food or go to bed on time. Poor kid! What a horrible thing to tell him. Thankfully neither he or his friends tried to slay me.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Wow, that’s a strange thing to tell a kid haha. That probably would have offended me slightly. Kind of funny though 🙂

      Reply
  12. I’m still in shock. I thought he was literally leaving his own “shit” in your yard — and you were scooping it up and saving it in your garage! I’m not sure how or what to comment on now. What you actually did seems pretty tame compared to the leaving of, and storing of, poop in your garage…

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh jeez, if he left his actual shit in my yard, I would pick it up with a shovel and chuck if at their house. That would be terrible !

      Reply
  13. I was always the adult who was nice to the kids when other adults yelled at them. I let the neighbor kids play basketball in my driveway now that I have no kids who do so. You would think this would get my yard mowed or driveway shoveled, but no.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Damn, that’s the least they could do ! You’re much kinder than I am haha. I honestly don’t mind people playing in our front yard as long as they don’t trash it or leave crap behind. It’s just this ONE kid that bothers me. There are plenty of toddler age kids and a little older that don’t bother me at all 🙂

      Reply
  14. Every neighborhood kid needs a Boo and your kid, sadly, wasn’t understanding respect in any other way but installation of fear. I suspect the other Boo Radley’s of the world have happened due to similar circumstances of lack of communication compounded by ensuing silence. Crickets create great suspense for Halloween terror….Could be fun. 🙂

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I agree – everyone needs a Boo :D! You’re right. I can be the one to instill fear for this disrespectful kid. I’m up for the job !

      Reply
  15. In the end, Boo Radley was a hero, so think on that for a while. You made me laugh out loud talking about hugging your cabbage patch doll and crying on the sidewalk! Then I just felt like an old hag when I realized my nieces and nephews were cabbage patch generation, so I guess I’m old enough to be your Mom. Fu#% I hate that.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      He was a great hero! I don’t want to toot my own horn or anything, but I’m pretty great too! Kidding kidding 🙂 I’m 30, don’t feel bad… I’m not that young.

      Reply
      1. Oh you are you are young. But I’m telling you it doesn’t creep up on you it’s more like a ride on the space shuttle–way fast. Enjoy the ride and don’t put off the things you really want to do. And yes, you are pretty great. And funny, which I love.

        Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Thank you 😀 There’s nothing that says Grammies can’t be Boos too! Gotta find your evil side in there somewhere.

      Reply
  16. Haha, I’ve never been anyone’s Boo but I can imagine how powerful you must’ve felt!
    Congrats on your blog anniversary!! My second is coming up. Took me awhile to write anything too! At first all I did was copy/paste some old stuff I’d written for courses, whatever. 😀 But once I started, nothing could stop me!
    Here’s to lots more years for all of us!!! xoxo

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Awesome! Time just flies by, right? Being a Boo Radley has feels amazing. With great power, comes great responsibility 😀

      Reply
  17. I have a feeling this would be us, but thankfully, the “little assholes on the first street” as we affectionately call the pair, mostly stay on the first street of our little three-street neighborhood. We live on the last.

    Reply
  18. We are The Halloween House. I’m sure we scare the crap out of all the local kids. Which is great. My best mate at work has his daughter convinced that I am a witch and my husband is a warlock. She will still come to ours at Halloween, as she loves being scared! My mission in life is complete.

    Reply
  19. I absolutely believe in the life concept of natural and logic consequences. A kid leaves crap in your yard after you have told them not to, then the natural and logical consequence of said offense is taking the crap and “storing” it until THE PARENTS come to get it. Then you politely inform them that if their darling child leaves his crap in your yard again, you will donate it to the local thirift shop as obviously he no longer wants it.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      See, I agree with this theory. Makes sense, right? SOMEONE has to teach these damn kids since their parents don’t do crap about it.

      Reply
  20. You’re my kind of neighbour. 😀 I don’t know if it was just me, or if every parent hates everybody else’s kids. I couldn’t stand the little gits that lived in my neighbourhood, and if they sat on my front wall, God help them.! Anything that got left on it, was displayed on the lid of my wheelie bin and if it was still there on bin day, in it went. I was every kids Boo Radley, and proud of it. Thankfully, I’ve mellowed a little, and only hate the kids who live next door to me. 😀

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I feel like we would be great neighbors. If only you could move into the asshole kid’s house in my cul-de-sac! Haha.

      Reply
  21. Congratulations. And if it helps, it has been scientifically proven that children benefit from having a mean old lady around. It helps them to actually learn and set boundaries. I read this in the Journal of “Teaching the Little Bastards to Behave”!, a little known but much needed quasi-academic journal.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I’m loving the sound of that journal. I need to look into it and read up on it before I have children of my own. I’m glad science has backed up my grumpiness. Phew 🙂

      Reply
  22. If he is leaving stuff in your yard, I don’t think you are stealing it if you keep it. I mean, I kinda don’t think you really wanted to keep his bike, but, if he is leaving it in your yard . . . I kinda feel you have the right to. I do think that it was good of you to give it back. Although, I think it would have been better if you “made” him talk to you in order to get it back.

    Perhaps, though, he just needs some attention. As you said, his parents don’t give it to him. So perhaps . . . if you have it in you . . .you could be the cool neighbor that he comes back to one day to say, “Thanks.” Or saves your pet’s life at no charge because he has become a vet. Or saves your life at no charge because he has become a doctor. C’mon, we’ve all seen those commercials. 🙂 But seriously, perhaps you could help a kid out and be the cool neighbor instead of the scary one.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I would love being the cool neighbor to this kid, but I think it’s far past that sadly. I’m cool with all the other kids in the neighborhood, but I don’t think there’s any recovering from our years of disagreements lol. Oops!

      Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Right? It’s kind of a win win situation in the end 😀 Especially when you’re a recluse-in-training like me! Haha

      Reply
  23. My neighbour’s went away for a night and their teenage sons had a party, which woke up the whole village…except my wife and I who lived next door as we’d had a skinful and were off in the land of nod.

    When the parents got back we heard the almighty screaming match when they found out about the party, and they then sent the eldest son round to us to apologise with a bottle of (cheap) wine in hand.

    By happenstance, my (late) wife and I had come back from work and were out back starting a BBQ, so when we heard the doorbell ring, I went round the side of the house and surprised the neighbour’s son, standing between him and the gateway. I’m 6’2″+, and was wearing my business suit.

    Hungover and after an ear bashing he was petrified.

    What made him more scared, was when I opened the bottle, and started necking it back, before stopping and saying:
    “Next time invite me”

    The other option I’d try now is:
    “When I was a child, I thought and spoke as a child. When I became a man, I had that child taken out back, and had him shot….would YOU like to come out back ?”

    ;->

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Haha, oh man. He apologized with his cheap wine? Nice! I’d take that :D. I need to come up with some witty things to say to the kid!

      Reply
  24. It feels excessive to give you a one-hundred-and-second comment… but, well… I had to congratulate you. Use your power for good… (hiding the stuff in the garage? Perfect.) 😏 Nice post. 🤗

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Thank you 😀 The comments are never excessive! I love them all lol. Thank you! I’m planning a way to use my newfound power.

      Reply
  25. Happy Birthday, Boo!
    (And if I remember right – the original Boo sewed up some ripped pants and left them out for Jem to take back. He was okay. Now that you returned the neighbor boy’s loot, you are even more of a Boo. Just don’t stab anyone, okay?)

    Reply

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