vaginas need to breathe

When I was a teenager my best friend and I used to spend hours sitting at the mall watching people. Usually we would catch the occasional nose picker or someone with a wedgie so deep up their crack we worried about impending paralysis, but normally it was just boring. Not to mention the fact that people didn’t enjoy that we were staring at them and being asshole judgmental teens. Oh well. What else were we supposed to do when we were sitting there enjoying our soft pretzel with melty cheese? Be nice? Psht. (Mmm Auntie Anne’s. Gotta find one of those around here sometime.)

I’ve been thinking about reprising my role of people watching, though, because the past few days I’ve overheard two very strange conversations in public:

When I was walking a paved path at a community park on Tuesday, I heard a woman say, “It took me so long to find a private place to air out my vagina.What?!Β I have to know why this was a thing. Did she wet herself? Was she sweaty? Did she let out a sulfuric queef that was lingering? So many questions I need answered.

When I was standing in line at PetSmart yesterday, I heard a young girl say, “My dog accidentally licked my nipple when I was getting into the bath. I hope I don’t get pregnant with puppies. I’m not ready to be a mom.” Ah… the innocence of childhood. I thought this was cute for a little kid to say.

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve overheard before?

Also, Happy St. Patrick’s Day. Hope everyone enjoys being glued to the toilet and plagued with green poop all day tomorrow from all the food dye.

(This picture has zero to do with my post, but… as I was looking for St. Paddy’s/Irish pictures it came up. I couldn’t stop laughing. I didn’t even see her at first! I’m only like 5% Irish, but I suffer from the same pastey white affliction.)

153 Comments

  1. Me and my husband do this people-watching-commenting-makingstories things all the time at airport πŸ™‚ Usually Am better at weaving the story around the situation and commenting “how can she wear that for a journey,Isn’t it too tight , too cold , too flashy ..blah blah. It is fun!

    Reply
    1. Overheard 6 year old girls talking.. – “I think my father will get me a brother because he has really big belly”. The other 6 year old corrected her – No silly, My mummy got my brother from her belly at hospital . Your papa needs to go to hospital πŸ˜‰

      I told the mother of first one, She really wants a brother.

      Reply
    2. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      It IS fun. I love doing that – making the stories as they talk. The airport is full of weird people. It’s a great place to watch for sure lol

      Reply
  2. Nyx

    I have overheard people say so many weird and fascinating things that I made a zine of all the quotes called DAFUQ You Say? I’d seriously love to send you a copy because I think you’d like it (and understand the spirit in which I made it). My favourite?

    “Never underestimate the willingness of some people to let things go completely shit if only because they didn’t get that pay raise or someone ate the last doughnut.”

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I agree with the person who said that! I HATE when people eat the last donut. It could ruin my whole day. Don’t mess with a lady and her carbs πŸ˜€ I’d love a copy!

      Reply
  3. I overheard one side of a conversation on a train that has stuck with me for years. A guy in a suit was talking to someone and said “I mean…we should’ve just kept the dog”. The way he said it kind of implied that they’d chosen to keep something other than the dog. I still want to know what that was about.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Aw, poor dog! lol. I’d wonder too. Catching random conversations is fun, but it’s annoying when you can’t get the whole story.

      Reply
  4. If mine starts breathing, I’m going to get a sex change. With vaginas having lips and all, my mental imagery is going pretty dammed wild right now – and not in a good way. I never wanted to see an actual vagina giving a Vagina Monologue…
    I don’t get the green dye thing. If you drink a nice black Guinness then you’ll be brown by the end of the night from spilling it all over yourself, too! Win-win.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      You saw the Vagina Monologues? Haha. Wait… it was an actual *real life* person’s vagina you saw? Weird… Glad I never saw it now lol.

      Reply
  5. Um, thanks for making me suddenly crave a cheese-and-salt-covered Auntie Anne’s soft pretzel right before I’m supposed to eat broccoli for dinner.

    Kidding! πŸ™‚

    Although I *am* really in the mood for a soft pretzel now! I always liked their garlic ones. Do they still make those? Only a trip to the mall can solve this question.

    Anyway, I wish I had some golden nuggets of overheard conversations as amazing as yours here. This is the part where my comment is going to become painfully anticlimactic because I have nothing funny to contribute. Sad face.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Ohhh, I’ve never had a garlic one! I used to love the cinnamon sugar ones. It was like a pillow of heaven every bite. Mmm. I haven’t been to an Auntie Anne’s in years though. I’m sure they have all sorts of new flavors to try πŸ˜€

      Reply
  6. About three months ago, I overheard my neighbor and her friend, who were standing in my neighbor’s yard at two in the morning, discussing their plans to upgrade their dildos to larger sizes. In the stillness of the night, their words carried so well, they could have been in my living room. I don’t know my neighbor well, but that kind of humanized her for me.

    Reply
  7. WTF?! I couldn’t even *see* the white body in the sand. Maybe… maybe that’s for the best. Yeah, me too I’m pale, I always feel like a beached whale at the beach. Appropriate… Argh.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh boy, I’ve never heard of that! Seems like it wouldn’t be terrible practice, though lol. And more comfortable.

      Reply

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