cause of death: chicken apocalypse

Random-As-Shit Thursday Thoughts

1. Some people listen to music when they are trying to relax. Others go to the bar and down a shameful amount of appletinis while having their self-esteem boosted by a drunk asshole that thinks complimenting a stranger’s ass is the best pathway to a lifelong love. Or a night full of burning STDs. Who knows. I watch cats. Not my own cats, they’re too boring. I’ve been obsessed with a live stream on YouTube called ‘Kitten Academy.’ It’s run by a couple in Illinois who foster pregnant cats and their kittens until they are old enough to be adopted through a rescue they work with. They have a 24/7 live stream in a few rooms of their home dedicated to different mom+kitten families. If you like cats, you need to check it out. I’ve become so addicted I check in on the kittens all day – when I’m pooping, at my computer writing, and sometimes when I feel it’s necessary to pretend I’m listening to my husband when he’s talking about sports. It’s one of the most adorable things I’ve ever seen. If you need something to make you smile and calm you down, check it out. It’s much better than getting drunk and losing your self respect on a Friday night.

(Here’s a photo I stole from their Twitter yesterday. Look at those sweet faces.)

2. Last week I got my annual haircut. Yes, I only go once a year. I’m not afraid to admit I let my hair get a little Tarzan-esque once in awhile. Getting a hair cut is probably one of the worst things you have to do when you have social anxiety. You’re stuck in a chair, being nailed with personal questions that are impossible to escape, while a person dances around you with scissors chopping away while they barely pay attention. Even the thought of it makes me nauseous. This year I happen to get a woman who was the most obnoxiously outgoing person I’ve ever met. At one point she brought up bestiality and how horrible it would be to get stretched out by a cow. She is also 100%  convinced that giant zombie chickens are going to be what wipes humanity from Earth. Seriously. Genetically modified zombie chickens. She thinks they’ll be so strong they’ll be able to muscle us to the ground and peck us to death. I wish I was making this stuff up, but it all came out of her mouth. And I thought I was the one with word vomit. I’m never getting a haircut again.

(Hellllo Khal Drogo. He kind of looks like Tarzan here… right?)

3. Anyone have any masterful April Fool’s Day pranks they are going to play on someone? I’m running out of time and haven’t come up with a good one yet. I really want to find one that will scare my husband so bad he will pee himself. That would bring me great joy. (Unless he makes me clean it up or something.)

159 Comments

  1. Hahahaha, first of all, hilarious random shit. Thanks Sheep.
    As for prank, I am going to photoshop 10-days luxury cruise ticket and papers and presenting to my other half (no, not Eve), and she will be so excited….well…til…LOL

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  2. I don’t have social anxiety and I still only get my haircut once a year. I have a hard time imagining doing it every couple of months. That’s a lot of commitment.
    The best April Fool’s Day joke I’ve had pulled on me was by my coworker. My mouse wasn’t working on my computer so I immediately start cussing it out, then when I look at the bottom of it to see if the battery had died, there was a piece of masking tape across the laser with “Happy April Fool’s!” written on it. It’s still to date the one time I was successfully pranked.

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  3. I’ve been watching “The Critter Room” livestream for years, and of course it’s kittens. They are on YouTube right now, and there’s kittens that are only a few weeks old. Also – the Eaglecam. http://www.dceaglecam.org/ There’s an egg hatching RIGHT NOW!

    It took me a long time to find a good hairdresser. I wound up asking anybody I knew (who had hair I liked) who did their hair, and I finally got a rave review on a stylist who didn’t charge and arm and a leg. I finally have a good haircut!

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  4. One of the things I’m going to hate most about moving is leaving my hairdresser. I love the way she cuts my hair, but I also love that we can go an entire cut with minimal chit chat and it never feels uncomfortable.

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  5. I see my comment was disappearing….was it?! Well, again: congrats, another hilarious shit!

    April 1: yep, I am going to make fake (photochop) 10 days luxury cruise tickets and papers and presenting to dear wife. Let’s see how that day will end. Or, me. 😀

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  6. Zombie Chickens? Yup…we’re stalking each other, all right.

    A couple of years ago, I got sucked into one of those match 3 Facebook games…the one with a farm theme. You had to match veggies & flowers & shit.

    Well – you also had to match eggs, which then morphed into cracked eggs with creepy eyes, which then morphed into greenish-brownish chicken/lizard like things. I called ’em the Zombie Chickens, and I put out a lot of little one-liners on my FB feed about them.

    I remember stating, rather emphatically – that Zombie Chickens don’t give a cluck.

    And I haven’t had a haircut in 7 years, now…I’m too cheap and too ‘I don’t give a damn about looks’ to have anything done to the mane. I wash, I brush, and I go.

    Reply
    1. Stop stalking me! So creepy haha. How do we always have weird things in common. *looks around* It’s really strange. I like it though 😀 I probably won’t get my haircut for another 7 years after this one lol. I need to just watch a tutorial on how to cut my own hair.

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  7. She is also 100% convinced that giant zombie chickens are going to be what wipes humanity from Earth. Seriously.

    If only our end could be so kind. Since my earliest days, I have believed that we will meet our demise by a diet of liver and onions.

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  8. all of this is so WRONG; you’re a pretty, scrap that, a BEAUTFUL woman (I know it!) and you mustn’t EVER get yourself in the hands of a scissor zombie again…. You just mustn’t!!!! I actually cannot believe that this happened; please say that you made that up. I’m literally ill and feel like throwing up now!
    Is there a doggie-pet site like your kitten website? I wouldn’t mind going to the loo with tiny pups playing at my feet – oh my mind is running off with the possibilities of procrastinating a bit more 🙂

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  9. Amy

    My hair dresser is way too expensive for my budget but I keep going to her because she is silent and efficient. She asks how I am when I arrive, I say “good, how are you?” She says “good.” And then she proceeds to cut my hair in silence. It’s the perfect arrangement. Also my salon has a liquor license and serves various alcohol in coffee, built into the exorbitant price for a haircut.

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  10. Once again you made me laugh out loud. The hairdressers comments about being humped by a cow cracked me up completely.
    On the haircut front, I last got mine cut when I was 27* by a friend’s wife who was a hairdresser. She permed it. Told me it would just be a slight kink in my poker straight hair. I looked like Harpo Marx…. Admittedly once it calmed down a couple of weeks later it looked pretty cool.

    (*I’m now 50. 23 years without a haircut. If I got my split ends done I’ve have a skinhead)

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  11. I feel so much the same way when I go in for a haircut. I’ve gotten good at pretending I am simply one of those dummies used in cosmetology school, so good, in fact, that after I’ve outlasted a handful of small talk opening questions, my stylists typically grows bored and chats with guests seated in other chairs instead.

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      1. Someone should start a Meditative Hair Salon – there the only words spoken are at the beginning in a separate pre-service area and once in the chair the only sounds are those of dryers blowing and snip-snip while you sip on fruit infused water and think of deep meaningful things worth pondering. Ommmmmmm.

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  12. PLEASE say that this is not true…. I CANNOT believe this; and I cannot believe that people like the ones you seem to attract so much even exist! And you are such a beautiful person (I just know it, somebody with your sense of humour and non-sensical mind just IS beautiful) that you don’t need to succumb to scissor-zombies like that EVER AGAIN. Come over, I could do a better job than her and I would just so convert you to real espresso 🙂
    Is there something similar to the cat site but with doggie puppies???? I just see myself on the loo and watching those pups playing on the screen of the iPad!!! Oh what the heck have you done with my brains? It’s highly disturbing.
    1st April: My dad was an April Fool – so we had plenty of opportunities to do stuff (and had plenty done to us)…. But I’m so gentle and brave now that I wouldn’t do that any more. The worst is clapping someone on the back when saying hi and sticking a silly cut-out with some rude or stupid words on their jumper!
    And finally, I wrote a lovely comment and sent it off – but same as every single time, the iPad monitor (ha ha) said that the site wasn’t safe and then when I gave order to send it anyway, it disappeared…. I’m NOT writing a third comment!

    Reply
    1. They both appeared 😀 I was playing around with my spam settings yesterday because I keep getting a lot of spam comments lately, and someone I messed it up so every comment I got was being auto sent to spam! Damn it. This time, your iPad’s not at fault! Woo. All fixed now 🙂

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  13. Before I even got to the Tarzan haircut part, I got up from my laptop and walked straight into my wife’s office and brought up Kitten Academy on her computer. She’s a cat freak. I’m now hearing “Oh, my God, look at that, they’re nursing!.” I may live to regret all of this, but at the moment she’s in seventh heaven. Thanks. I think. – Marty

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  14. I just want to point out that bull’s penises are long but small diameter. It would not stretch you out. You would however probably be crushed which you kind of deserve for being in that situation anyway.

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  15. Oh em gee. I love this. I need to meet this lady that cut your hair. As far as April fools is concerned…When I was like 6, my dad told me he had a bag of snickers candy bars in the backseat of the car and I could have some. Obviously I ran out there and searched but came up with nothing. He’s like, look UNDER the seat…again, I go out. I searched that car for like a half hour and nothing. Finally he said, “April fools”. I am scarred to this day. 30 years later.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Wow… NO Snickers after all of that?! That’s painfully harsh. If someone conned me with candy and then didn’t have any, I would be so pissed lol. If you lived near me, I’d totally tell you where to find the crazy lady 😀

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  16. I like kittens, tolerate having my haircut, and dislike April Fools Day. Therefore I’m going to go watch the kittens, schedule another haircut because it’s about time [thanks for the reminder], and hide at home all day on Saturday. Nicely random list, btw.

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  17. Oh my GOD, what have you done to me!!!?

    I was just fine watching the Decorah Bald Eagle site and now these damn KITTENS!!

    All I can say is it’s gonna cost me a fortune to get my 30 year long hair-cutter to drive all the way to my house to cut my hair because I can’t tear myself away from the dang live stream sites on two computers now!!

    Yikes.

    I’m tempted to tell you about the baby Owls site…but I won’t…because I care about your sanity!!

    (;-)

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  18. The Zombie chickens are already here and they were created due to demand by, of all groups, fly fishermen. Many fly fishermen tie their own flies using fur and feathers and various synthetic items like carpet fiber. A typical rooster has a cape (the chest feathers) with a relatively small number of feathers suitable for tying up dry flies, and a saddle (the butt feathers) with hardly any suitable feathers. So specialty chicken breeders started working on the problem and came up with roosters with uniform-sized stiff saddle feathers, perfect for the trout freaks. This was good and fine except the new long saddles were too long and dragged along the ground. By the time the bird was dispatched the saddles were ruined. Something had to be done, so they started breeding these roosters with longer legs so the long saddles wouldn’t drag. I’m not even making this up. These freak chickens may not be so good fried up but they keep fly fishermen happy.

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  19. Just today I took the scissors and cut my own hair. I did a new style too! How’s that for guts. And I love it. Saved $65 which I will slowly spend at Starbucks on espresso drinks. I hate chatty people working on me. I don’t care if it’s a haircut or nails or anything else. Mostly I don’t get anything done because it makes me nuts. I left one hairdresser because she talked loudly to the woman across the room. She was yelling in my ear. Hair salons should have that kitten cam going to calm down customers and instruct their folks to button it.

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    1. Agreed. The kitten cam should be playing at all times lol. How did you learn to cut your own hair? I’m so afraid to try. I keep watching tutorials on YouTube, but I’m so paranoid I’m going to slip and hack off a big chunk on accident. I always went to Asian-owned nail salons because they barely spoke English. It was the only way I could guarantee not being word vomited all over.

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      1. I’ve been cutting hair since high school. It started because I didn’t have money. I started cutting other hair. I read books and now I watch tutorials. The impetus is that I pay $$ and come home unhappy. I can be unhappy without paying $$! Asian nail salons…genius! When I went which was over a decade ago, I went to a regular guy. He always was telling jokes that I didn’t think were funny. For him it helped pass the day. I stopped doing manicures because of the hassle. Do them myself as long as my hands don’t shake!

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        1. Damn, you’re doing all your own stuff now! I mean, I don’t do crap with my nails anymore. When I was younger I always had fake ones, but they wrecked my real nails. When I just have regular paint on them, I’ll peel it off when I get bored ha. I’m like a child. I need to find some good YouTube tutorials. Better than paying someone and having an anxiety attack in their chair-o’-torture.

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  20. I can say proudly that I beat your record. Went 1 year and 5 months without a haircut. Then one day I noticed that when people said “You’re hair is so long!” it was no longer complimentary. Then I got my hair stuck in a jacket zipper for the 15th time and had to rip it out. On an impulse I went to the nearest hairdresser while on vacation. We discussed American politics and poverty and global warming. She mentioned at the end how nice it was not to have to hear about a single family or marital problem. She’s a five hour drive away, but I already made an appointment for next February.

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    1. Oh man, people tell me that my hair is long, too. I guess that might not always be a good thing haha. My ends were starting to look ratty before I went last week. Ew. Five hour drive for a haircut! Sounds like a good reason to go on vacation again to me lol

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  21. You certainly hear some very interesting conversations – directly and indirectly! Maybe you have something about you that draws people in to a safe zone for sharing? I use to have that problem at the gym. Iit was a Je ne c’est quoi quality I had about me I guess. Yeah – I had a lot of that.

    Some days I want to shave my head and just sport different wigs.

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    1. I seem to have that quality, but I have no idea why. I kind of have a ‘resting bitch face’ too, which seems like it would have the opposite effect of inviting someone in, but who knows. Wigs sound awesome. I love that plan. Aren’t wigs super expensive though? Eek. I would rock a vibrant purple bob. Hell yeah.

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  22. Don’t know if this would scare your husband, but one year I texted mine that I’d gotten my nipples pierced, pretty sure he had a heart attack (he’s totally vanilla I know, but that’s what I love about him). I always feel bad afterwards though for putting him through so much trauma lol

    Meno<3

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  23. Anonymous

    The good ole pregnant scare or break up scare on April’s Fools may scare him. Also I literally went 2 1/2 years without getting my hair cut…Whoops.

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          1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

            It is pretty rape-y though, especially the first few seasons. Plus the random sex scenes get annoying. I hate when shows put sex scenes in the background for literally no reason but to add boobs in there.

  24. I actually like the really chatty hairdressers. It puts less pressure on me to make conversation. If you talk the whole time, I don’t have to. I would maybe not go back to that chick. She sounds like she was on crack. How did your hair turn out? ; O

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    1. She probably was on crack lol. Weirdly, my hair came out really well. It seemed like she was actually quite knowledgeable. I’m too scared to go back to her again though. I don’t mind chatty, but she was staring at me in the mirror waiting to see how I was going to respond to everything she said. By the time I left, my face hurt from force smiling the whole time lol

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  25. A chatty hairdresser is a shitty hair cutter as far as I’m concerned. No one can cut hair well and chat mindlessly at the same time. I want Edward Scissor Hands to cut mine. He’s silent and sweet and cuts an awesome do, and when he’s done, I can take him home and have him carve my shrubs into incredible topiary and we can make salad together and eat in silence. That hairdresser is looney tunes.

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  26. I really like the girl who’s done my hair the last two times…she seems totally cool with just letting me sit in silence and making a little bit of small talk just so it isn’t too weird…I leave her better tips for not making me talk nonstop. -_-“

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  27. Too funny!

    That said, imagine a barber who decides to conduct other business while cutting your hair – taking phone calls, showing memes to other patrons, and eating the most horrific-smelling lunch imaginable – all while he’s in the * middle * of cutting your hair. A twenty minute cut suddenly takes twice as long.

    Happened twice – that’s why I cut my own hair now. At least yours sounded crazy enough to make the experience interesting!

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      1. Nope – he stopped, mid-cut, and sat down to eat. Personally, I have trouble eating after touching my own hair; can’t imagine playing around in someone else’s hair – and then sitting to eat.

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  28. Nyx

    Haircuts are the worst! It’s like being held hostage by someone who is pretending to do you a favour and demands you pay them for the experience after. o_O The last haircut I got (that I didn’t just do myself) was a couple of years ago, and she went on and on about how Wisconsin is the worst for psychos because of that one Netflix show. Bleugh.

    On the other hand, kittens are amazing and I luuurve that livestream.

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    1. Hahaha your description of a hair cut is spot on. It really is like being held hostage. Terrifying. I loved that Making a Murderer show, though! Although it’s strange to equate all of Wisconsin to the weird shit that happened in it haha. Crazy hair stylists are everywhere.

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  29. Anonymous

    I want to look at kitten academy but that might put an end to my writing for ever. I cut my hair by putting it into two plaits and then shopping the ends off …..
    Chicken apocalypse?? that is pretty crazy. Although two weeks ago I did meet tow men on the beach who told me they were flat earthers, I shouldn’t have asked, but I just couldn’t help myself. Oh that opened a whole box of weirdness 🙂

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    1. DO IT. Cave to the pressure and watch Kitten Academy! I actually have it streaming, muted, on my iPad while I write. It’s fun to look over and see the little kitties playing. It can be distracting though, that’s for sure. Are flat earthers people who believe the earth is flat? I’m so intrigued by this box of weirdness haha.

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  30. Are you sure that the Zombie Chickens rant wasn’t an early April Fool’s Day joke? For my prank I’m considering writing a post that will disavow all of my earlier snide remarks about people who love cats and kittens.

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    1. I read them! And they were awesome and very personal, so I’m impressed 🙂 Have they figured out why your hair is falling out so much? That post was quite a bit ago. I love looking at all your old pictures, especially the 80’s perm one haha. Hair is an important factor in a woman’s life. It can do a lot for your confidence.

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  31. Hahahaha! THIS is why I don’t go to the hairdresser. That and the fact the last time I got half an inch trimmed off it cost me $50. AND IT WAS A MALL HAIRDRESSER. What a shame you can’t plug in your headphones when you are getting a haircut. You know, to watch cats. And not be talked to. And to never have to hear the words “stretched out by a cow” Lordy.

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  32. Probably about 9 years since I had a haircut! I live in a very small town that somehow has three (or maybe four) hair salons. But I can only go to one because the main dude is old friends with my husband, and one of my very good friends runs the place for him… which would be fine, but the last thing I want is to be trapped in a chair with both of them.
    I have to ask – how does a cow stretch one out? Maybe a bull could…

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  33. Your brain is seriously warped! In a good way! No wonder this post has over 140 likes!!! Geez. I love that you admit you only pretend to listen to your husband talking while you’re doing other stuff. You realize now your cover is blown, right? lol! I actually was just at my hairdresser’s yesterday, getting trimmed! I finally found one I trust. (It only took me, like, 50 years!! I barely even feel the need to look at what she’s doing. Keep up the amazing funny stuff, love it!

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh man, how nice to would be to walk into a hair salon and TRUST the person with scissors in their hand lol. I would love that. My cover is totally blown. Shhh. 😀

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  34. Yeah, Blair. That stylist was definitely TMI. I had a guy that used to cut my hair and he started talking about how the moon landing was fake and how we are fighting wars because of cell phone technology. Needless to say, I found another salon.

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  35. Goodness…that hairdresser sounds….um…special. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not easily offended, but a conversation about bestiality, to a client?! That’s just wrong on so many levels.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Right?! I was so embarrassed. I knew the other people sitting around us + their stylists were judging the hell out of us, and I don’t blame them! Who talks about that kind of crap in public? (To a stranger, nonetheless!)

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