i’m a modern day houdini

Random-As-Shit Thursday Thoughts

1.There was a woman at Target yesterday who had toilet paper stuck in her waist band by her butt. I thought it was embarrassing to advertise to a crowded store that she recently shat in store’s bathroom and was the cause of the ungodly odor seeping out onto the people waiting in the Starbucks line, so I took it upon myself to tell her. You know, trying to cash in my good deed for the day. Instead, she turned and looked at me and said, ‘That’s not funny! Those type of pranks are very immature for a woman your age.’ This chick thought I was the one who put the toilet paper in.her.pants. IN THEM. How the hell could I manage doing that without her feeling it? I’m a modern day Houdini. That’s what I get for trying to be kind. I responded with, ‘Don’t be embarrassed, lady. Everybody poops!’ …. Didn’t her parents teach her that?

2. I saw this on the front page of Yahoo the other day. I mean, is this really news-worthy? ‘Adult knows how to feed himself?’ Congratu-fucking-lations! You’ve done what 75% of the population does. Making your own food? How inspiring! How brave! I understand a lot of people who work get lunch out, but surely there’s a time when everyone has gone at least three days making their own food, right? Especially in the poor college years. I eat at home every meal besides maybe one a week, so I’m expecting a feature on the front page of Yahoo any day now. If you’re a journalist, hit me up. It will be a top article. I promise. Everyone else – keep your eyes peeled for my grand debut.

3. Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and suddenly have a light bulb go off? Like, your mind has a moment of clarity and everything in your world just seems to make sense all of a sudden. I had this last night. I woke up out of a dead sleep and realized something amazing – The french fry brand ‘OreIda’ is Oregon and Idaho mashed together. Did you know that? Genius. Pure genius. Why was I thinking about french fries at 3 am? Who knows. I don’t even like the damn things. Apparently it was an important mystery my subconscious needed to solve.

Random-Ass-Poll for a Random-Ass-Thursday

[Total_Soft_Poll id=”3″]

117 Comments

    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh man, you’re about to hate me. I actually like sweet potato fries more than regular. Unless the regular ones are drowned in cheese or chili. Then I’m game 🙂

      Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Ah! Smart idea 🙂 I could do that for sure lol. Then start a YouTube video. Hopefully nobody stabs me. There are a lot of crazies out there.

      Reply
  1. S. A. Young

    Reading about your Houdini act, I just spewed coffee. Seriously. If I get fired because I can’t keep myself from laughing out loud, thus alerting the authorities to the fact that I am not engaged in work related tasks, I’m moving in with you.

    Reply
  2. Ummmm I didn’t know that – and I’m in marketing! Yikes…
    Regarding your poll. I picked the firs care ah mel. But I agree w/ theycallmetate that it’s car mel corns which don’t have any caramel in them! 🙂 The apples they’re the first again. care ah mel. I just heard this question asked recently too…

    I’m curious as to what she said about “everybody poops!” She probably almost had a coronary as you as the “young” are too open with private things. 😉 ha ha ha

    Another great post.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      She just rolled her eyes and walked away. RUDE! lol. I agree. There are multiple ways to say caramel depending on what you’re saying! I didn’t even think of that when I did the poll lol. Woops!

      Reply
  3. I hope you realize that you made me look crazy in front of the baby because I had to say “caramel” out loud a few times before figuring out how it sounded when I said it. And seriously, who cooks their own food anymore. I mean, c’mon we’re in the 21st century here. Doesn’t everyone have replicators (I apologize, this geek moment was brought on by my recent Star Trek binge watching experience).

    Reply
  4. I don’t understand why that woman would even think someone pranked her unless there is a rash of toilet paper pranks going around! Most women would be so thankful someone told them! Why is it we find toilet paper so embarrassing? Is it just American women? I don’t think men give a rat’s butt what sticks to them! (Geez, I must be a perv cause all of a sudden I got the image of Lenny Kravitz and his “wardrobe malfunction” in my mind!!!)

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      It’s probably just the women haha. So prude! I don’t find toilet paper embarrassing – as long as it’s not hanging out of my butt or something in public. I don’t know why she thought I did it. I’m assuming she was just embarrassed and pretending like ‘girls don’t poop!’ kinda thing lol

      Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      It’s pronounced differently all over here! Carra-mell sounds the best. That’s like Care-uh-mel I think? The option that I wrote? Or is it totally different and I’m stupid?! Ha

      Reply
      1. Closer to care-uh-mel than the others, but the first syllable is a short sound like “Ha!” rather than “hare”. Generally sounds similar to ‘carousel’ but with an m:
        “Carousmell”, a warm toffee aroma that keeps coming around.

        Reply
        1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

          This is funny. I get what you’re saying 😀 ‘Carousel’ in the US isn’t pronounced like the ‘a’ in ‘Ha!’ though. I think it’s the difference in accents! Or I’m batshit crazy, which is HIGHLY possible. I didn’t even take that into consideration when I was doing the poll. I suck.

          Reply
    2. i’m with you, but as a Swiss i don’t think my pronounciarion is of any interest to anybody… may i, however, saythat i like caramel? especially those that stick to the roof of the mouth or glue yr teeth solidly together? tks…

      Reply
        1. sorry for late reply – it’s pronounced a bit like babbitman described above – with a short a (actually 2…. ca’ra’mel short, rather open ‘a’ s AND short, frienly open e in …mel) – It’s difficult with us Swiss – my Hero Husband is from the French spoken part (la Romandie), I’m from Zurich with their very quick and sometimes nasty thinking and speaking and even after a very long marriage he still claims he doesn’t understand my Swiss German (that is when I’m complaining, or want his help – talking about food or drinks he understands perfectly well which is bizarre, isn’t it?) – We have 4 offical languages and 26 ‘cantons or half-cantons’ and speak probably about 70 ‘dialects’ too – so nobody needs to understand their neighbour if he doesn’t feel like! Or doesn’t want to help 🙂

          Reply
  5. I think I knew the guy your yahoo article was about. The one time I went over to his place – you couldn’t see his kitchen surfaces at all…he had them covered with Star Trek, Star Wars, LOTR, gaming and other collectibles.

    He. Had. A. Darth. Vader. Helmet. IN. His. Kitchen. Sink.

    He lived on takeout.

    I wanted to ask if he also kept stuff IN his stove…but figured that would be intrusive…

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      He had a helmet in his sink? Well… that’s unsanitary! Haha. I don’t know how people live on takeout. I would gain 30 lbs in the first month. Eek

      Reply
  6. I had one of those “aha monents” a few years ago when I realized that the musical artist Flo-rida was just a play on Florida. He even has a massive full back tattoo of the state of Florida, but it took me years to actually put it together.

    Reply
  7. HA! Sheepy you are refreshingly funny and speaking of refreshing, I think you should have offered the Target lady a butt wipe…you do carry them since I recommended it don’t you???? Thanks for the guffaws. I am emailing to my sister who loves profanity and humor as much as I do.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Sadly, I don’t carry butt wipes. Only my husband. (Get it … he’s a butt-wipe. Man what a bad joke.) Thanks for sharing 🙂

      Reply
  8. Oh dear! Obviously that lady missed the memo “Girl Code” which stipulates if you see a person of the female persuasion out and about and toilet paper stuck to her bum (HOW did it it stuck INSIDE?? :-O ) you freakin tell her discreetly so she can rectify the situation. 😛 You were doing a good deed and I award you 1000 cool points. 🙂

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Right? Honestly, I didn’t think I was doing anything strange this time. It was one of my normal encounters. SHE made it weird. Not me. For once! Haha

      Reply
  9. Stop me if you heard this one . . .

    I saw a friend of mine. He had two black eyes. I asked him how it happened. He said he got them in church. They stood up to sing and the woman in front of him had her dress stuck in her butt crack. He thought he’d be nice and pull it out for her. She smacked him in the eye.

    How’d you get the other one I asked?

    When I tucked the dress back in the crack.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Never heard that one haha. Although I have a funny childhood memory of a girl digging for a massive wedgie in church. Good times.

      Reply
  10. Immediate thought vis-a-vis toilet paper: How did she not notice???? Like, when you pull your pants up, you would think you MIGHT notice some TP flopping about like a tail…

    And you don’t like french fries?? All types? What about waffle fries?? That’s almost as bad as my husband not liking pizza! -__-

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Whoa whoa whoa. Your husband not liking pizza is a CRIME. Much worse than me :p How can you not like pizza? I’m deeply concerned by this lol. I like fries only when they are in cheese sauce with bacon, chili, etc. Not really a fan of them plain.

      Reply
  11. I know why the Target lady thought you put the paper where you clearly shouldn’t have been (shame on you). She ‘knew’ she wasn’t responsible for it because she didn’t go into the rest room there. In fact, she hadn’t been in a bathroom for the previous three stores! Ergo, she been walking around with that stuck in her pants across four stores, three parking lots, and several hours displaying her uktra-cluelessness. Dorkette. (Sorry, I got carried away.)

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh man, I didn’t think of that. You could be totally right haha. Maybe it was there from a long time ago so she thought it must’ve been me. It’s plausible. If that’s the case I feel bad for her haha. Nobody told her! Ack

      Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Wow 763! That’s actually really impressive and yes, you totally deserve a prize for that haha. You haven’t gone out to eat at all? That’s nuts 🙂 Much healthier, I’m sure. But crazy! lol

      Reply
  12. Hahahaha! That lady sounds like a turd!! She needed to blame it on you to feel better about herself. I for one always check for extra toilet paper after I’m done poopin at target. You never want anyone to know it was you!

    Reply
  13. Confused… You have ‘toilet paper’ in public toilets in the USA? Here in the UK we use a communal sponge in a bucket. You need to rinse it out in the sink after use. Therefore if you are visiting the UK for a holiday please bring this ‘toilet paper’ with you. Please note that you need to declare it at UK Passport Control. Enjoy your visit.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Where would we be without this advice? I HAD NO IDEA I needed to bring a shit sponge to the UK. You probably saved me a lot of embarrassment. Thanks!

      Reply
      1. No problem, glad to be of help. One other tip to visitors from the USA:

        There has recently been big increase in scrotal smuggling. In an attempt to reduce queuing and inspection times, gentlemen are now required to present themselves at Passport Control with their trousers and underwear already around their ankles.

        If gentlemen are also bringing ‘toilet paper’ into the UK I would suggest they hold it out at arms length at the same time.

        Reply
  14. I know many people who never use their big, beautiful kitchens. *shrugs* I’ve cooked most every day of my life, cause um, I lika eat well, thanks.

    That woman can just walk around like that, then. Quel attitude!

    Reply
  15. I NEED to know, how do you not like french fries? Pre-surgery these salty delicious niblets where my life line…my BLOOD! I could eat fries morning, noon, and night. I can’t anymore and it makes me so sad, I may just throw a dildo to show my emotions. And how DARE you put TP in some woman’s pants. I expected more from you. 😉

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I know, it’s terrible! I mean, I don’t HATE french fries, they just aren’t my favorite plain. If they are smothered in cheese/chili/bacon/anything else amazing I’m all for it, though. I also don’t like plain potato chips unless I can put something on them. I’m a weirdo 🙂 Throw a dildo! I support you haha

      Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      There’s definitely different ways to say it depending on the situation. I wish I took that into account before I did the poll lol. Oops. I’m all for learning about potatoes!

      Reply
  16. That is hilarious! I bet getting blamed for the t.p. was the last thing on your list. Ha! Coincidently, I can help explain the toilet paper lady with my post about the ladies’ room. The poor thing failed in her efforts there. It would clarify her bad mood as well. https://sprawly.wordpress.com/2017/02/15/the-ladies-room/ I hope this link works.
    As for the caramel question, I think I say “car-muhl” but when I read it, I say “care-uh-mel” in my head. Yep. I have talent. Ha! 🙂

    Reply
  17. One of my recent “I never thought of that before” moments was the realisation that when a cat pushes a door open, it does it with its face and that must be really weird cause imagine opening doors with your face. I now think about this literally every time I push a door open and it’s slowly breaking me.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Hahaha, that’s amazing. I’ve never though of that before. Made me laugh out loud. Now I’m going to be thinking about it every time I open a door as well.

      Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      That’s true! Although, after she said it, she definitely saw it flopping in the breeze behind her. But, I didn’t even think of that lol

      Reply
  18. OK, that lady in Target CLEARLY doesn’t understand Pranking 101. Because if you put the paper there WHY WOULD YOU TELL HER. This – THIS RIGHT HERE – is what you get when you stop teaching comedy in schools. God Bless Murica.

    Reply

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