beware the flying dildo

Reading the news always makes me feel a lot better about my life. Well, not the politics. I avoid that because I’m pretty sure if cancer was personified it would be 99% of the politicians roaming around Washington clinking their drinks together every time they make a terrible decision. It’s a big, toxic, suck-fest over there. I’m just talking about normal news – the type that highlights the embarrassing stupidity of the population. Like this picture:

I saw this picture last night, and, well… I had so many questions. How do you stab someone with a squirrel? With it’s buckteeth? It’s tiny claws? Did someone sharpen it? Was it rabid and she unleashed it from its cage of doom? I was happy to find out that it was just a ceramic squirrel and no real ones were hurt in the process. Even so, the guy had it coming – he forgot to buy her beer. Who the fuck does that? He forgot the beer? Crucial mistake. Β (Is it bad I was more concerned for the squirrel’s well-being than the man’s? I’m weird.)

Then there’s this one:

At first I thought ‘Wow! Who the fuck are these people? Dildo throwing? Trashy.’ I didn’t do this shit at my wedding! It was a classy affair. Except, the more that I think of it… I’m a little jealous. It seems pretty funny. That’s actually the type of shit I would enjoy. Flying dildos. How memorable would that be? There’s a few of my family members that could use a dildo or two to the face. I feel like I need to find a dildo, dip it in water, and throw it on someone as a prank now. Sounds traumatizing. I love it.

Happy Valentine’s Day, people. Just wanted to say on this overly-commercialized-greeting-card-company-holiday that I appreciate every single one of you. I hope you have a great day with your loved ones. If you are in a committed relationship – you should be telling your significant other you love and appreciate them every day, not just today. If you are single, just remember – you could be one of those assholes in the news articles up there. Single life ain’t so bad.

What are your plans for the day? Have you received/given any gifts for Valentine’s? I still haven’t bought anything for my husband. Pretty sure I’m just going to go to the gift wrapping section in Target and get some frilly bows to stick to my nipples. Shopping for men… so easy.

160 Comments

    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I need to know this, too. I need to look into it. I’m praying it was a used, dirty one. Just because it would make the story that much better.

      Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Okay, you use demo dildos? I mean, I know sex therapists TALK about stuff like that – but I didn’t know you get to show them. I shoulda gone into that profession.

      Reply
  1. I saw the title of this blog and thought ‘oh great, she found out about my nickname from high school’. Our track team was a fun bunch.

    If you can find it, watch Kentucky Fried Movie. There is a courtroom sketch that involves a dildo as a prop. It’s hilarious. The movie is hilarious (if you like Airplane.. it was made by the same guys). It also spoofs Enter the Dragon, so dead on that it’s worth it just for that.

    Reply
  2. Girl, I feel the exact same way about watching the news! This is honestly the exact reason why I especially love local news. It is simply rife with crazy stories like these. And don’t worry, I think I was more worried for the squirrel too. I love squirrels – people say they’re wild and rabid, but I think they’re adorable! Fun fact: I had a squirrel as an imaginary friend when I was a small child.

    Our Valentine’s Day was pretty low key. I ordered my husband the most ridiculously overpriced teddy bear and cookies from 1-800-FLOWERS, and of course it wasn’t delivered when I paid for it to be delivered. My husband, meanwhile, ordered me flowers from Bouqs to be sent to my office, and they literally arrived dead and in a vase that was shattered. Lol, we just laughed about it and had a totally perfectly imperfect night. πŸ™‚

    I hope you and Alex (it is Alex, right?) had a great V-Day! Pink sticky bows on nipples are a totally perfect Valentine’s present πŸ˜‰

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      It is Alex! Good memory πŸ™‚ Now I feel like an ass because I don’t know your husband’s name. Although, I’m not sure if you’ve ever shared it to be honest lol. You’re a lot nicer than I am. I would have been pissed if I paid for that stuff and it showed up dead/broken haha. Glad it worked out for you guys, though, and you turned it into a fun day πŸ™‚

      Reply
  3. Have to hand it to you, Blair! Bows on the nips? Nice touch. Yeah, my husband and I don’t celebrate that holiday. However, flying dildos on the other hand while not classy could be really funny to watch. Opt for the kind that vibrate and the bitch slapping takes on a whole other meaning. Groovy post!

    Reply
  4. Very funny. I laughed so hard my husband thought I was losing it. Good one. Sex toys and squirrels as weapons. When I read articles or hear stuff like this I always think of the old British saying: “There’s nowt as queer as folk!” People never fail to amaze!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Haha, that’s what I imagined when I first saw the photo, too. Like it was frozen or something. So strange! Funny to imagine, though πŸ˜€

      Reply

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