your pain is my pleasure

I have an unexplained love for hearing people’s painful dating stories. Especially when they involve terribly awkward people that have no concept of what to say on a first date. (Here’s a hint – talking about sharing a toothbrush with your dog isn’t something that should be revealed right after you discuss what you do for a living.) Horrible Tinder date stories are my jam. I think my love for it stems from meeting my husband at the young age of twelve and never actually having dating stories of my own. I’ve missed out on something, so I have to live vicariously through others. It’s a rough life, what can I say?

Alex and I were out to dinner last night when we took note of a very quiet couple in a booth near us. The poor guy was sweating; beads on his forehead, rubbing his palms on his pants underneath the table. Honestly, it was uncomfortable to watch. When he left the table for a few minutes, the woman grabbed her phone and dialed quickly. “He seems really nice, but we have nothing to talk about. Give me something to talk about! Help, I’m dying here. He’s coming back. Bye.”

So, much to the extreme embarrassment of my shy husband, I sprung into action. I walked over to their table and started to sing ‘Can’t Touch This’ by MC Hammer, and busted out the best running man anyone has ever seen. Threw in a couple pelvic thrusts. Bent over and tried to do a little twerking, but failed horribly. (Let’s not talk about that.)

Man: What… the hell are you doing?

Me: Giving you guys something to talk about.

Man: *laughs* This is… the strangest dinner experience I’ve ever had.

Me: Now you have something to bond over! Carry on… *moonwalks back to own table*

After that, every time I looked over they were talking and laughing. Probably at me, but it got the job done, right? So, I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say I’m the best matchmaker there’s ever been. A modern day Cupid. I like to think they will find me in a year or two and be a happily married couple wanting to name their first-born-child after me.

I’m going into business. Are you single? I’m here to put on an awkward display and lend my sick dance skills to you. Hit me up.

If you have a weird dating story, feel free to share! I might laugh at you, though. Fair warning.

105 Comments

    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Thanks 😀 I’ll take weird any day. I really do hope it’s a story that lasts. I like to think I’m the reason they will fall in love one day haha.

      Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Aw, no. You posted that during my ‘hiatus’ so I never caught it. Hilarious, though. The type of stories I LOVE. There are a lot of winners on dating apps hahaha. I would have found that witty guy attractive, too, for his humor.

      Reply
          1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

            Okay, at first I was a little skeptical because I saw a puppet. Then I got to the lines about frat boys putting their dick in, and I WAS SOLD. GREAT LINK. lol

  1. Anytime I really wanted to impress a date, it seemed as though Fate had other plans…..
    I was seeing a local “rock star” back in the early 1970’s and really wanted to impress him when he came to pick me up so I wore my highest platform heels and my shortest mini dress and thought I was rocking hot and when we started down the steps of my 2nd floor apartment, I slipped on the carpet and fell all the way down to the bottom landing……
    Another time I was dating a real classy fellow and we went to a bar and I only had half a glass of wine cause I didn’t want him to think I was a lush and when we were leaving, I tripped on the way out and fell on all fours in the alley in the slush and someone walking by said very loudly, “Isn’t that disgusting, she is so drunk she can’t even stand up”!
    I am a living example of “Pride goeth before the fall”!

    Reply
  2. Approximately 1,000 years ago I was a college junior who was working his way through the ranks at the college newspaper. Someone at the paper came up with a money-generating plan to sell personal ads in the advertising section of the paper.
    Initial response was luke-warm at best so being one who is always willing to help out (and since I was single) decided to assist. I wrote several ads, submitted them and waited for the blind dates to flood in. While they didn’t exactly flood in I certainly got a number of responses and went on quite a few blind dates.
    My university had a sizable agriculture program and was often referred to as MooU so it wasn’t uncommon to cross paths with some studying cheese making or horse maintenance or what have you.
    One of my blind dates was in the equastrian program. She seemed nice enought though the belt buckle, cowboy boots and cowboy hat were an early indicator that while this date might be fun it most likely wasn’t going to go beyond one date. Not that I have anything against all that it just wasn’t (and still isn’t) my jam.
    We met at a local pizza joint for our date. Talk was pretty superficial. Where’d you grow up? What are you studying? Where do you live now? Blah blah blah. At some point in the date we talk about her love of horses (obviously). That is all fine and dandy. Listening to what others love and enjoy is wildly fascinating to me. During her spiel on her love of horses she tells me that she was grew up with horses and while she loves them they don’t like to let them go to waste.

    Go to waste.
    Huh. That’s a weird phrase.

    I asked her to explain what she meant. And from there she went on to tell me that it was common practice in her family to … eat the horses. Huh. Eat horses. Huh. That’s not what I expected.

    Now, make no mistake I realize part of my strangeness regarding this concept is societal but again this was a blind first date so…

    It is possible that she just said that because she didn’t want to see me again. That is very possible.

    Or maybe she was telling the truth. I’ll never know.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      EAT HORSES? I’ve never even heard of that before. WTF? Is that even legal? lol. That is seriously strange lol. Wow. You have me wondering if there really is a college course about cheese-making haha.

      Reply
      1. Why ever not (eating horse meat)? It’s just ‘yet another’ meat…. But of course you’re NOT supposed to say that and even less to eat horse meat. I was like you guys until I had my first horse ‘entrecôte’; it was wonderful, juicy, healthy (literally no fat) and there was never any looking back. THEN I went to England and boy oh boy, you wouldn’t DARE saying anything like that because the English love their horses far more than their spouses, families and even their dogs…. So I didn’t!!! In France, you can get horse meat at many places and funnily enough, I LOVE HORSES – the one thing I can no longer eat are ‘rabbits’ – because for the longest time I helped feed them at a friends and one day he gave me one of ‘my protégés’, ready to put in the pan! That was that! But I find it slightly strange that we can eat lovely sweet calf-babies, beautiful chicks who were still so happily laying eggs in the morning, brave cows who gave us milk & thus cheese for so long, etc etc.

        Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Haha, you make me sound like a martyr, here. *brushes off shirt* Bartop dancing is slightly stripperish. Not that I’m ruling that out 😉

      Reply
  3. OK here are my only blind-date stories. I gave it two heroic shots. I really did. One was arranged by a friend of a friend of a friend…way too distant a connection to trust it. This was pre-internet so I couldn’t really check him out. But HE had. The guy was a Private Investigator. We met for coffee and slowly I realized the jerk had “investigated” me, thoroughly. He knew things I had done in the f-ing 3rd grade!! CREEPY. I walked out when he started bringing up my previous parking tickets, and how my mother had died!

    The second was this handsome, likable guy I met through an ad in the “personals” placed by two well-meaning guy friends of mine who thought I should be out there dating. (The “personals” was the grandfather of E-Harmony, Match.com and what’s the phone app thingy that nvolves swiping??)

    I settled in for what I thought would be a nice lunch but while we were exchanging “stories” his started to sound familiar…where he worked and lived, what his 5 year old son was like, etc.

    Then it dawned on me. The asshole was the HUSBAND of one of my therapy clients!

    Ethical nightmare, let me tell you! I used the old “I need to use the facilities” excuse, and ran out the back door. I couldn’t bust him and of course, could/would never tell my client!!!

    Different than your story but this is what you dragged out of me.

    My pleasure to share it. Your Pain??

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Okay, first, I quick-glanced at the first two lines of your comment and I SWEAR you said ‘two heroin shots.’ I was like WHAT? Haha. Anyway… both situations are insanely creepy. Things that happen to you in 3rd grade pull up on an investigation report? I had no idea. That’s STRANGE. And… kudos to you for not punching the married man in the face. If I were your therapy patient, and it was my husband that went on a date with you, I hope you’d violate some ethics codes for me and sock him in the balls 😀

      Reply
  4. First, thanks for liking my blog post.

    Second, Awesome post. I burst out in laughter while reading your blog post. I imagined if I was that couple and this strange lady came up us and starting dancing. That definitely would give me something to talk about.

    Your awesome! Thanks for the laughter and your sense of creativity.

    Reply
  5. have no blind date stories to relate – I’m a total one-man-at-any-time-and-for-the-longer-the-better person…. But LOVED, no ADORED your ‘taking things in your capable hands and dancing legs’ 🙂 Made me think of the movie When Harry met Sally….
    I’m doing things like that too – and other stuff that nobody in their right mind would do at my age – like doing sheep- or kit-like side step-jumps in the street when I feel like. I have (sometimes) simply no barriers to hold me back making a total idiot of myself….. Maybe I have spent too much time in rural England? The English love making fun of themselves and the saying: Le ridicule ne tue pas (the ridiculous doesn’t kill) is my best liked ‘explanation’.
    What pains me are terrible manners, unkindness, thoughtlessness…. but never something you can laugh off.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Wait… you like doing sheep?Am I reading this wrong? Haha. I like that French saying – very fitting for my personality 😀 Rural England sounds like a fun place to be!

      Reply
      1. Rural England is B*EST…. Where we lived for a few years, a adorable place which was called GOD’S WAITING ROOM because due to its wonderful lay-out (nestling in a very protected bay of the sea with a great micro-climate and incredibly kind people – well most of them anyway)….. If I could go back there I would in a heart-beat (except that with BREXIT chances are NIL and in any case, first priority will always be going back to Switzerland). I can only recommend it…

        Reply
  6. Worth a bazillion dollars!!! Not only do you have a future as a matchmaker, you can do that bit as a couples counselor also. I quite often get dumped at dinner – they’re looking for one more meal? I don’t know. Perhaps you’re dancing through the room would provide the topic for the rest of the meal or maybe even the rest of the night. It could possubly be an indication that at least one person is having a worse night than us and be the spark we need.
    But then on the other hand maybe upon seeing you do your dance I might join you, we dance our way out of the joint, and leave her with the check for a change. Either way, a win-win for me. (Oh yes, you may return to your husband if you absolutely feel you absolutely must.)

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Haha, I like where you’re going with this. You’ve sold a great business idea for me! Woo. Couples counselor – I didn’t think of that one.

      Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh, definitely. Especially if you’re talking about expressing the liquid all over the place 😀 I mean, that would make me intrigued on a first date. Not sure about anyone else lol

      Reply
  7. Many years ago, when Tuffy P and I had begun dating, we went to an old well-known Toronto movie theatre that featured good old films. The film playing was the 1963 Japanese flick, High and Low by Kurosawa. As the film started, we both became aware that in the dark, platoons of cockroaches had sprung into action. We were both trying to be cool and neither of us wanted to be the first to flee the scene. I reached my arm around Tuffy P to flick the little bastards away before they reached Tuffy P. Now I always link Kurosawa to cockroaches.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Wow, kudos to staying there through it. I would have ran away screaming bloody murder. I would rather have a snake slither up my pant leg than even be in the same room as a cockroach. *shivers* What a nice love story, though. Quite memorable haha.

      Reply
  8. GREAT post! I’ll bet the rest of the people in that restaurant were abuzz too. You probably gave a bunch of folks a story they will be dining out on for decades!

    Don’t have many to tell (and the ones I could relate are not so funny – you are lucky to have skipped that phase), but my funny blind-date story came much later. During my undergrad years I moved from a dorm into a house that was chopped into apartments. We were a friendly bunch and visited back and forth frequently.

    One day someone called my name as I was coming home – seemingly excited to see me. Hey, a new guy is moving into #1! Wonder how he knows who I am? Since I was featured frequently on stage, I figured he was a theatre buff – I certainly didn’t recognize him. I live to chat, so we had a few moments of polite conversation before I finally apologized and asked his name. We’d obviously met before.

    No help there!

    After a bit more chat I simply had to know, so finally asked him where we had met. He must have said, “You’re KIDDING!” at least ten times as I, stupidly, tried to guess. Turns out a mutual friend had set us up and we had been out on a lengthy date! Oops.

    I learned much later in life that I have a touch of what is known as “face blindness” in extreme cases – so my brain needed a bit of context to access the memory – which only came much later. I’m not sure he ever got over the fact that I didn’t “remember” him on sight, however.

    I probably wouldn’t even have thought about that incident in response to your question, except that I just posted a bunch of funnies about memory, with links to my more serious articles as Related Content.
    https://addandsomuchmore.com/2017/01/27/friday-fun-memory/

    Loved some of the other stories in the comments as well – would have “liked” them if you had enabled comment likes (turned on in a different place from post likes, btw. and worth doing – people love to give feedback that only takes a second – expands the community, too).
    xx,
    mgh
    (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMore dot com)
    – ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder –
    “It takes a village to educate a world!”

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Haha, oh boy! That’s actually really funny that he was talking to you and you had no idea who he was 😀 I’m sure he was mortified. Thanks for sharing!

      Reply
  9. OMG you rock! I mean I’ve known that since I first found you, but Damn, Girl…so impressed. I’ve only gone on one blind date, and I did it for the experience. The hardest part is getting past that whole thinking up what to say and down to some real shared experience. How cool to have that provided in a way that makes either an incredible ‘How We Met’ or ‘Best (or Worst) Blind Date Ever’ story. I’m sure they did have fun that night, and if they did have any chance at connection, they probably found it.
    The next hardest part is finding chemistry that matches, which is why I gave up on the idea after the first date. We had tons in common and a great conversation. We were both in the at least ‘Good’ attractiveness category. But there was no spark at all. At all.
    While spark isn’t everything, it MUST be there, so I went back to old school where I meet you and have some level of attraction before a date.. Of course that was before web and app dating sites. You know, back when people weren’t buried in their phones and actually would talk to you in public. 🙂
    So I think you have a great career potential as an ice-breaker circus for first dates, but for Matchmaker you gotta solve the Spark….and don’t be burning down any cafe’s okay. Promise me…Safety First. Happy Twerking!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Haha, thanks for sharing 😀 I’m not sure how I can solve a spark between people, hmm, I think that’s gotta be natural. ‘Ice Breaker Circus’ – great business title. I may use it some day haha

      Reply
  10. Kim

    OK, so this post saved my day…..went to see a movie that should have been fabulous, but was a terrible disappointment and left me feeling a little depressed! Thanks!!! 🙂

    Reply
        1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

          Oh yeah! I heard that was really good. I definitely have to be in a specific mood to deal with a depressing movie, though. Sorry it wasn’t good! Eek

          Reply
  11. My first blind date (when I was 16) turned out to be a kid with cerebral palsy who put the moves on me almost from moment one. We were doubling with my friend and her boyfriend who had fixed us up, and we went to a Chicago Bulls game. He kept trying to grope me during the game. I asked my friend later “did you tell him I was a slut or something?!” She just laughed and said no but maybe he was desperate.

    Flash forward 30 years later and I’m on Match.com and meet an actor. We go on a date and I happen to mention that I like Shakespeare while we’re enjoying pints at an Irish pub. He interrupts me in the middle of my sentence to start reciting some soliloquy complete with wild arm gestures, topples his chair over and falls on the floor. Needless to say, I’m done with blind dates and websites. And married now anyway. 😀

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh man, I feel like gropers are way too common. Not cool, and so damn creepy lol. I would have absolutely died of laughter about the actor falling over. That’s great first date material 😀

      Reply
  12. Just post this little gem on You Tube and I believe your match making prowess will be sealed. Couple your sweet moves with savvy marketing, a gadget filled website, I think you an bring Tinder crashing to the ground. Get to work, Blair! Funny post!

    Reply
  13. Circa 1987. I’m on a blind date arranged through a “friend” mainly because she thought it was fascinating that dateguy and I share the same last name. I answer the door with a smile as this 6’8″ stranger led me to his chariot; a VW van sans the passenger seat! I sat on a milk crate to the nearest Bennigans where he blathered endlessly about the trials and tribulations of finding made-to-measure jeans. It was my first and last blind date.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh, a milk crate! How fancy 😀 The guy sounds pretty dull, honestly. Who gives a crap about how other people buy their jeans? lol

      Reply
  14. I was sitting at a gas station the other day waiting for a pizza and watching a young couple on a date. She was a beautiful woman and looked like quite a catch, but after talking for only about five minutes, the young man pulled out his phone and began playing a video game. She tried repeatedly to start conversation, but the young fellow would just roll his eyes upward for a moment and give her one or two word answers. It was all I could do to keep myself from walking over, taking his phone from him, and slapping him on the back of the head. Eventually the young lady announced that she wanted to go home. The young man had that “What just happened” look on his face as he followed her to the car. You could tell that he had absolutely no idea why she cut the date short.

    Reply
  15. I have been on two first dates in my entire life, I was just never really bothered about the whole idea. the first date was a disaster from start to finish. no conversation at all, he agreed for us to share a table with a random couple at a busy restaurant, he got my order wrong and then it was like “well…what do we do now?” after we had eaten. We didn’t see each other again. Needless to say the other couple were not as entertaining or conversation prompting as you had been.

    Second date was exact opposite. we spent 10 hours talking and wandering round a mall, missed 3 movie showings because we kept loosing track of time and only actually bought lunch. 2 years later I married him 😀

    Reply
  16. Hon – you are not missing much. Yes, true, I was a bit of a dating-slut in my 20’s. I don’t mean I was a slut on the date. Well, sometimes, maybe… but I went out on a lot of dates. I was trying to live life to the fullest. Unfortunately, sometimes living life to the fullest meant making the mistake of going out with complete losers. I remember one guy seemed to not want to talk about anything except how he can get into my pants. That’s what he said. His exact words. ON OUR FIRST DATE! What’s worse – he conveniently “forgot his wallet” at home and I ended having to pay. I’m modern – I don’t care about going dutch. But lets just say it was not a classy date.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh man… he did the classic ‘forgot his wallet’ and still expected to get in your pants? FAIL. Hahaha. I’m modern, too. I like when guys pay. Sue me!

      Reply
        1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

          Haha, I don’t blame you. I can’t imagine how awkward a date would be when all you can think of is how the help you’re gonna get out of there

          Reply
  17. I’ve repeated this hundreds of times, but here goes:

    I was on a date with someone that pretty much lasted the whole day. We stopped at a burger joint and he was flirtatiously playing with my hands while talking to me. Then there was an awkward silence as he took one hand and examined it.

    He asked, “Do you use skin whitener?”

    I said, “No…?”

    And he asked, “Why does your skin tell me you’re mixed?”

    I said, “I’m half white.”

    He replied, “I hate white people.”

    Yeah.

    Reply

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