to the skinny bitch at Starbucks

I was six the first time someone called me fat. I was sporting my favorite Rainbow Bright swimsuit with a frilly top at the local pool, casually working on my Thriller moves, and waiting in line for my turn to dive (or spastically belly-flop) off the diving board. I was crushed. Until my older sister stepped up, pointed at the kid and said, “well… your nose is so big it looks like you have a deformed penis growing out of your stupid face!” God bless her. Where would we be without siblings?

(Check out this real-life penis nose. Poor guy.)

I’m sad to admit – I am the ugly duckling of my family. The odd one out. The spare. My sister and brother were born with skinny genes and have an innate love for physical fitness. They wake up every day at 5 am, hit the gym, down their disgusting spinach smoothies and egg whites, then go about their day at work. In Blair’s world – it’s a struggle. I was not graced with a good metabolism or the love of getting super sweaty and peeling my smelly clothes off every day. When I wake up, it’s to visions of strawberry-frosted donuts holding hands and wading through a pool of chocolate and licking whipped cream off each other. It takes every ounce of my being to get those thoughts out of my head. Every. Morning.

After decades, my doctors finally gave me some answers  and we found a ‘way of eating’ that would agree with my body. Sadly, it has to be alcohol-free, caffeine-free, low-carb and sugar-free. So when I step up to your counter and ask for a decaf coffee with sugar-free peppermint, sugar-free vanilla, and two Splendas, I don’t need your eye-roll. I don’t need the sigh of exasperation, or the side glance to your coworker. I don’t drink this overpriced crap because I want to. I’m not trying to be a difficult because it’s fun.

I have no choice, Skinny Bitch. I hope one day you’re forced to only eat salad for two meals every day.

(Yes, I know skinny people have medical issues too.)

201 Comments

    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Yeah, I’m thinking about it! I haven’t decided if I want to take it further. I definitely should have said something to her though! I regret it. lol.

      Reply
  1. I am soooo rolling in the description you gave of donuts walking hand-in-hand through chocolate sauce. I hope you don’t mind that I’ve made my eclairs with custard. (Not enough calories in a strawberry glaze.)

    Reply
  2. Nyx

    Commiserations from another odd one out. I have two older siblings whom I grew up swearing had miniature black holes in places of stomachs. Forever eating, forever skinny.

    Welcome to the alcohol-free, caffeine-free, low-carb and sugar-free. I didn’t have to give up caffeine because I’m caffeine sensitive, but I started doing the others at the start of the year. This is going to sound a little weird, but when you get the sugar withdrawal headaches, eat something fatty. It helps. (You might not have a problem if you don’t have to give up fruit, though.)

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh, it’s terribly unfair, right? Luckily I started 4 months ago so I’ve cleared any withdrawals/aches. That phase was TERRIBLE though. I don’t eat any fruit – too many carbs/sugars for me. Sad times.

      Reply
  3. I hate to say it, but I’m the opposite in my family. Every one of us struggles with weight, but I’ve always eaten less and been more active. If not, I’d be much bigger too. None of us has the chronic diseases as we tend to overeat healthy food (yes you can get fat eating vegetables!!) The real bummer is that most people prefer sweet or salty. In my family, we like it ALL! (Did you know that potato chips are the most fattening food on the planet ounce for ounce!!!)
    Make sure you don’t make the mistake of avoiding fat. Healthy fats (cause they aren’t all healthy!) are some of the most important things in your diet. Cause you don’t want to eat too much protein, that can be just as bad!!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I actually did not know potato chips were the most fattening food. I’m not TOO surprised though lol. I’m all about the healthy fats! They are the only thing that keeps me sane. Seriously.

      Reply
  4. I hate it when Starbucks people are giving me free samples and give me weird looks when I say ‘no thanks’. I don’t have the time or energy to explain that I’m diabetic.And I know they would have no way of knowing but why can’t I turn down a free, sugary treat if I want to? It’s not as bad as one ex-coworker who knew I was diabetic and always offering me treats/desserts. She said, “but licorice doesn’t have any sugar… does it?” WTF? IT’S LICORICE! 2 main ingredients – chemicals and SUGAR! Anyway – love your blog!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Thanks !!! Isn’t it crazy that people have NO IDEA what is in the food they eat? I don’t care what other people eat, the lack of knowledge always surprises me though lol. Licorice!

      Reply
  5. Dear suffering Blair; what I will never understand, is WHY on earth is Starbucks allowed to exist??? All they sell for far too much money, has got nothing whatsoever to do with COFFEE…. What you need to learn to love is PURE UNADULTERED COFFEE in form of a tiny espresso. Come and visit me; I show you – and I do agree with some of your readers’ comments: All that artificial junk you willingly have put in your coffee (is there any coffee in it btw?) is definitely NOT doing you any good (either).
    Says a happy but definitely NOT slim reader ….

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh, I agree! I actually don’t normally buy Starbucks- I have a gift card I got for Christmas that still needs to be used up 🙂 I used to love black coffee – now I can’t handle it. I’VE GONE SOFT. Ahh!

      Reply
  6. As a ten-year Type 2 diabetic recently turned T1 (WTH??), complete with daily insulin injections and an ongoing love/hate relationship with food (love to eat, hate it on my generous hips!), I hear you. Every time I ask for something prepared sugar-free, low-fat, I feel like I have to qualify my request…. and fully expect eye rolls. God help the person who does, though….

    Because as I step into my ’50 y/o self,’ I’m feeling like I don’t need to explain or qualify anything. Just prepare it, thanks. {smile} smirk? 🙄😏

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh, I hear ya. I feel the need to defend my food choices ALL the time even though it’s nobody’s business. I had no idea Type 2 could turn into Type 1. I thought T1 was something you were born with. I feel very uneducated at the moment haha

      Reply
      1. Yep- seems to be more common in recent years. I think there’s some fancy name for it. I just call it Sucky. 🙄

        In a nutshell, T2 is typically associated with obesity. I was diagnosed 11 years ago when I was 50lbs over healthy weight. Lost the weight, ran half-marathons, and still had it. Genetics.

        T1 means your pancreas does not produce insulin. Mine stopped producing the little that it was, last summer. Produces less than 5%….guess that makes me a T1.5?? lol

        Funny how we make our stuff others’ stuff, isn’t it. The eye-rolling doesn’t help, though. Ha!

        Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      That’s terrible :\ I’m sorry. Also, I doubt you’re older than most people here. Unless you’re like 70. Are you secretly 70?!

      Reply
  7. Totally understand! I order a decaf iced americano with sugar free vanilla…. sorry, but Starbucks is know for being able to make any coffee drink you want and if you don’t like it then don’t work there or at least paint a smile on your face and make my damn drink because I’m paying $5 for it and I’m not asking for your opinion to be painted across your face… lol! I totes get it!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Our orders are so similar 😀 Seriously, though, for the price we pay for their drinks, they should keep their mouth shut. Gah!

      Reply
  8. HI, I am glad that you have a wonderful sense of humor, that will get you a lot farther in life than skinny genes! There are a lot of skinny people who are not happy, size isn’t everything! Thanks for stopping by my blog and checking it out and enjoy your Starbucks coffee anyway you like!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Did you find it? 😀 There’s a place to enter your email on the right side column on the front page if you can’t find the WordPress ‘follow.’

      Reply
  9. Girl your drink isn’t even close to being difficult! So sorry to hear the barista was a jerk face! My drink is an iced doppio espresso,light ice, in a grande cup, with not one, not two, but one and a half pumps of white mocha, one pump vanilla and half and half one inch from the top. That extra half a pump makes all the difference I’m telling ya!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      That sounds heavenly lol. Although, I have no idea what a doppio is. I feel like I’m missing out on something great 😀 I’m going to have to Google it.

      Reply
      1. Doppel = italian for double…. Usually only used for Espresso (straight from the machine nothing added, just two shots of coffee powder)

        I rest my case over Starbucks! Just reading our friend Sheena makes my stomach church upwards – obviously there MUST be a market – it just hasn’t got anything to do with coffee. And again – luckily, we are all different – not judging (just gagging) – and each to their own taste and whatever gives them joy….. All those pumps and half-Pumps had me in stitches 🙂

        Reply
  10. Gross. I’m so sorry you were treated that way! Trust me, I’ve seen people order some disgusting, weird stuff at Starbucks. And they probably paid like $10 for it too. If the barista is selling it, she has no right to make faces about you buying it. There are too many people in this world who don’t consider what other people may be going through. Hope you didn’t let it ruin your day! Mean girls will be mean girls.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Sadly, I’m pretty much used to it so it won’t ruin my day 🙂 Their drinks are crazy expensive. They should be serenading all the people willing to pay for it! Not judging lol

      Reply
  11. Starbucks is typically insidious and judgy! My best friend, who is a healthy weight, once had a stranger in line tell her she might wanna forego the whip on her drink, “chunky”! She spit on his tie! Everytime I think of Starbucks or rude judgy people this thought ALWAYS makes me feel better!

    Reply

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