ask the sheep

I have no friends. In full disclosure – I’ve been known to participate in weird satanic rituals like slow dancing with my cats and pushing on people’s bruises when they least expect it. (Am I the only person who sees a bruise and has a hard time resisting taking a stab at it? I can’t be.) I don’t really blame anyone for steering clear of me. I would. But, I got an email a few days ago that was asking for advice and I got super excited because I felt a new friendship blossoming. That was until I read it and realized this person was 100% trolling me and trying to be a smart-ass. It’s still probably one of the best emails I’ve ever gotten and deserves to be shared.

“Dearest Sheep,

This seems weird but I was hoping I could ask you a question. Everyone I know seems to give me candied, sugared-down advice and is pisses me off more than helps. I’m asking you to be blunt and tell me what I need to hear. Please don’t kiss my ass. You ain’t gettin a piece of it either way. I just need some honest feedback. It’s a doozy, but here it is…

My wife has named her lady taco ‘Winifred.’ It’s not a terrible name. I know it could have been something even worse like Lester or Jerry Seinfeld. The problem is is that my grandma’s name is Winifred. She did this shit on purpose to torment me. Now every time we get into it, all I can think of is how much I enjoy my grandma’s warm apple pie.

Do you have any better name suggestions for my wife’s muff? How should I handle this delicate situation?  Am I being unreasonable about wanting her to change its name?  I think we just need to come up with something a little more sexy for her beef curtains. This is urgent. Thanks.”

I love the internet.

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