expose yourself to me

I’m still slowly finding my way out of the sludge of my months-long-hiatus on this blog. I’m not sure why it takes me so long to write  a post now, but I’ve been plagued with some pretty severe writer’s block. Everything I write makes me cringe like a 14-year-old who has parents that go out of their way to embarrass them as many ways as possible. (You know, like when your mom dropped you off at school in her pajamas and didn’t bother combing her hair or putting a bra on? Damn, those years were rough.) I used to crank out posts every other day, but now I’m only managing one a week. Brain? Hello? Are you in there?  Your presence is requested on the poop deck. 

I don’t normally respond to blogger awards but I thought it would be fun to answer some questions, then ask you guys some.  I like learning about you guys anyways, considering I spend a lot of time reading your blogs. So, answer my questions, okay? Answer them or else!  

Here are questions that were asked of me by hotmessmemoir. She’s the one who nominated me. She kicks ass, so check out her blog:

You are given an unlimited amount of money by Daddy Warbucks. The only stipulation is it must be spent on a dream you’ve had. What is that dream?  I’m assuming this means the money must be spent to make the dream come true? That’s what I’m going with, at least. I’m not very good at remembering dreams… but I have a recurring one where my brother is super pregnant. I’d choose that one, hands down. Why? My brother can be douchey sometimes, and it would bring me great pleasure to watch him waddle around in public munching on a turkey leg while everyone gave him dirty looks and shielded their children’s eyes. The horror!

turkeyleg

 

What are you really good at? Embarrassing the people who are ballsy enough to go in public with me. It takes skill. Need some tips? Hit me up.

 

What have you never learned to do? Anything ‘yard’ related – like rake, mow, or anything else outside. My family was very old school growing up. The girls did the inside work while the guys did outside.  I helped pull weeds for the first time last year (at the age of 28, mind you) for all of 5 minutes. Alex laughed at me the whole time because I hate to be dirty. Needless to say – that 5 minutes was long enough. Never again, I say. Never again!  I can fold laundry like a champ and make an ass-kicking homemade mac-and-cheese though.

housework

Here are my questions for y’all: (answer some, all, or be lame and sit and the corner and pick your nose and flick it at the wall. Whatever floats your boat.)

  1. Think of the person you dislike the most in this world. If you had the ability to force them to eat a full plate of anything you wanted, what would it be? ( I would choose a nice corn and rabbit turd salad tossed with a deliciously warm cat-piss-vinaigrette.)
  2.  What do you have an irrational fear of? Spiders? Heights? People who pick their nose and flick it at the wall?
  3. You’re going out to dinner tonight – what type of restaurant are you going to? Mexican? Chinese? American? Italian?
  4. If you’re a blogger – do you have aspirations of writing a book at some point? (Really curious about how many bloggers have the end goal of becoming a published author or if you’re just doing it for fun.)

155 Comments

  1. 1. I don’t really hate, but I have deep animosity issues towards my exes psycho gf. It’s how she treats our son…, but whatever, here’s my dinner for her…
    1 cup of mayonnaise that has been sitting in the sun for a week.
    3 tbs of maggots of roadkill
    1 tsp of finely chopped Trinidad Moruga Scorpion Red Pepper
    Toss lightly, chill and serve after 30 minutes

    2. My fear aren’t irrational, they are justified in my mind, by scenarios that are likely to happen. They haven’t yet but they could.

    3.Mexican

    4.I blog in the hopes someday I can organize the shit that broke me into a fluid readable book. And to get the thoughts out of my head and stay 1/4 sane.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh, I can get down with that recipe. It sounds like a good concoction to serve to somebody I dislike. Especially if the maggots are alive and still squirming around after it’s chilled and served. YUM

      Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I’ve been thinking about this since I saw you ask it a few hours ago. It took me awhile to think of something sadly. Mainly because I’m socially awkward and try not to talk when I’m in public because it always comes out weirdly. But… I think my nicest act of randomness was some time ago. I was in a store in the checkout line behind a few Mennonite women with babies. They were trying to buy baby formula with a check but didn’t have the required state license to go along with it so the clerk refused to accept it. One of the women started crying, saying she NEEDED it for her baby. So I stepped forward and paid for it for her. She wrote ME the check instead even though I declined multiple times. I shredded it when I got home. (Does that count? I hope so. It’s sad it took me so long to think of ONE thing. Jeez. I need to step it up)

      Reply
  2. Egh, hate writers block, my old nemesis! I honestly can’t imagine writing even five posts as clever as yours though, you’re really good at this. : D
    I actually self-published a book of poetry at the start of the year (sons and daughters of perdition). I’m super happy I did, it’s a dream come true (minus the bestseller list, and also the sales). I’m hoping to publish a collection of super hot short stories next ; )

    Meno<3

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Congratulations, that’s awesome 🙂 It’s a dream of mine, as well. To be published. I don’t really write poetry. Thanks for the kind words, and good luck on your hot short stores.

      Reply
  3. 1. I’m actually feeling benign today (odd, because it’s really crappy weather outside), but what if I gave an enemy a really *good* meal? It’d embarrass the s— out of him (not to mention maybe put him in fear there might have been something nasty secreted inside). Which brings us to. . .

    2. All sorts of fears (hey, I write horror), and I do get very nervous about heights.

    3. It’s been a while since I’ve had really good Chinese (I usually cook for myself, including indifferent Chinese, but. . . .)

    4. Now that you mention it I have a book coming out from Elder Signs Press in June, TOMBS: A CHRONICLE OF LATTER-DAY TIMES OF EARTH. (Am I allowed a commercial? You can get a really nice pre-order discount before June 1 on both Amazon and B&N)

    Reply

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