tiptoeing into crazytown

Yesterday while grocery shopping I asked the clerk if she could show me where the orgasmic grapes were. She was young. I was embarrassed. Then, without missing a beat, she said ‘well, I can tell you where the organic grapes are. I can’t promise they’re going to be that good… but I can promise they won’t fertilize you.” Β TouchΓ©, random 18-year-old, touchΓ©.

A few days ago I decided to adopt a ‘paleo’ diet. If you don’t know what it is, it’s basically eating nothing processed. I’m pretty sure giving up caffeine, sugar, and dairy all at once is worse than detoxing from heroin. I’ve had killer headaches, I’m agitated all the time, and I have the constant urge to bitch slap my cats across the face. I’m primarily making the change to see if it helps with some medical problems I’ve been having, but damn… it sucks. If you want to piss a woman off, take away her freedom to shove pizza and an unlimited amount of cheddar Sun Chips in her face. That’ll do it. How do you deal with diets without going crazy? I feel like I’m tiptoeing across the border into crazytown. Send help.

wineispaleo

Do you have any tips? Or… paleo recipes? I don’t know how long I can go on just eating a bunless turkey burger for dinner.

I have a new-found respect/sympathy for everyone starting off on a new diet. The first week blows.

 

219 Comments

  1. I was getting killer headaches daily once and I couldn’t tell why (although this does happen to me pretty frequently) THIS time I realized I really hadn’t had sugar for days. I was drinking my coffee black and “accidentally” eating really healthy. I ate some refined sugar and my headache went away…now THAT is scary. (But I have not given it up yet, shame on me, I’ll try harder… jeeze diets suck)

    That was a helpful comment right!?

    My sister is a nutritionist if you’d actually like some real advice (or advice at all) I’d be happy to ask her for you! (I don’t much listen to her myself =/ at least when it comes to what I eat. Wow, I’m like seeing how bad I am as I type this. Maybe it will inspire me to eat better…)

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh yeah, the sugar addiction is real! It’s crazy, isn’t it? I have/had a caffeine addiction as well that’s having a similar affect. It’s terrible. I thought it was a helpful comment πŸ™‚ At least I’m not alone lol. Thanks for the offer about your sister! That’s really cool and nice of you. Right now I’m just doing it to see if it will help some medical issues I’ve been having πŸ™‚

      Reply
  2. I’m sorry you feel so on edge, but the image of you bitch slapping your cats cracked me up! I really did try to think of some meal ideas for you, but everything I came up with involved cheese or bread in some way πŸ™

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Thanks for trying πŸ™‚ Cheese has been the hardest thing to give up because it really makes everything taste better. Sad πŸ™

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Wow, that’s cool. Thanks for sharing πŸ™‚ I’ll check it out. It would be nice to lose a bazillion pounds !

      Reply
  3. I went sugar free first then cut out carbs like bread and wheat/flour products. And fruit actually. Instead of stuffing myself with bananas I have something once per week, I eat a lot of celery and tomatoes (which taste great if you are actually hungry) Headaches lasted about 3 or 4 days. The great thing is now I don’t feel hungry (craving biscuits and chocolate ) all the time. I lost a few pounds, sometimes it seems like a lot of effort to just be losing 1lb per week, but hey, better than gaining and it’s supposed to have lots of other health benefits.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I’m having trouble giving up the fruits right now because I’m pretty sure they are the only thing keeping me going right now haha. I’m on day 5 today, and definitely woke up feeling better than the previous days. Phew. At some point I want to cut down on fruits. Bananas and almond butter are giving me life right now haha

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  4. Paleo is rough at first and I think eating clean is a lot easier.I tried pale for 6 weeks when I signed up for a boot camp class. Pinterest has a lot of great paleo and clean eating recipes. I hope it gets easier and that your cats don’t get bitch slapped lol.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      My cats are probably safe πŸ™‚ For now, at least lol. I’m going to make a Pinterest account today finally. Woo

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Thank you πŸ™‚ Bacon is a lifesaver. I made a special trip to the store last night just for some ha.

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  5. Paleo got rid of my killer headaches (that lasted TWO days — it felt like a two-day hangover!) Paleo is so much easier than it sounds … and the good news is you can eat A LOT without gaining weight. One of my favorite go-to recipes is dipping avocado instead of bread in egg yolks. That sounds gross to many, but it’s really delicious. And some paleo people (I am one of them) do eat full fat dairy, so every day I have grass-fed yogurt with fresh fruit and nuts. There are many paleo cookbooks and magazines to experiment with, as well as paleo treats. I love Caveman cookies (made with almond flour) … they’re fabulous!

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Interesting! I’ll have to search for those cookies πŸ™‚ I hope I have some similar results with paleo helping fix some issues.

      Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Ooo, I’ll take a look πŸ™‚ I love that it has ‘sheep’ in the title. I feel like it’s a sign. Not sure of what… still lol

      Reply
  6. My wife gave up soda cold-turkey. She went from 3+ cans a day to zero, and those first months were bad. Worth it in the long run, though.

    I suppose it’s too much to ask if you have access to [looks around suspiciously] unprocessed milk? At least, milk straight from the farmer? Surely, that counts . . . right?

    Personally, I have a caffeine addiction, and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      The soda addiction is intense, I’ve been there before. Kudos to your wife for dropping it… there’s really nothing good about them at all lol. They taste amazing though. Mmm. I actually don’t drink milk because it creeps me out a little. What I miss the most is cheeses. I could make my own cheese if I found a farmer but that’s way too much effort for me. I’m too lazy for that lol.

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  7. My condolences Sheepy. I hate diets. I eat pretty healthy but always supplement with a little junk food. I’m waiting for Hostess to come out with an organic line of doughtnuts and cupcakes–heh. If you’re having digestive issues I highly recommend avoiding conventional grains in cereals, breads, etc. The pesticide residues can be pretty high since they engineered crops that can be sprayed with weed killers and still thrive. Organic dairy is important too as toxins tend to accumulate in fat. Drink lots of water. Eat grass fed beef meatballs simmered in sauce made with San Marzano tomatoes. Italians know food. I sound like a food snob. Guess I am. But I know what I like and what makes me feel shitty. Hope you find your equilibrium and a diet that makes you feel good. No one likes a cat slapping bitch.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Thanks for the ideas! I hope Hostess comes through for you, sounds like a lot of people would like some organic donuts lol. I definitely won’t be a cat slapping bitch. No worries haha

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  8. I feel your pain. I’ve been eating black bean veggie burgers for two weeks (I think it’s time to switch to salads, just to mix things up a bit!) I’m going vegetarian for awhile to kick start weight loss (it works, because I’ve done it before!) Menopause murders the metabolism! However, as you can see already, we are what we eat. Eat healthier and you will feel better!

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I hope so! All I really want is to feel better, so hopefully it works for me. Spring for your salads! Although, your burger sounds pretty good to me right now lol

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  9. Pat

    I just finished week one. The important thing is to think about your own psychology and how you react to things. If you’re feeling like bitch slapping your cats, it might be a sign you’re hallucinating and seeing dogs (see what I did there?).

    Wine. Wine solves most of my problems. OK, well, maybe it doesn’t solve them, but if I drink enough, I don’t give a rat’s patoot, so, same difference.

    Seriously, though, the psychology of dieting is multi-faceted. A huge, tremendous, ginormous change like going from pizza and beer to Paleo is one of the ways you can set yourself up for failure. It’s where most people (myself included) fail the most – incorporating drastic changes faster than the body (and brain) can embrace.

    You should really ease into the changes. You’ve been a pizza and beer sort of person this long, so taking a few weeks to make the conversion isn’t going to kill you quickly.

    Dieting sucks. No wonder it starts with “die.” Because that’s what life as you know it does. πŸ˜›

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      You’re very right. The mental hurdle is the biggest for me and I probably didn’t go about it the right way to start. I’m 5 days in now and feeling a lot better, so I feel like it would be throwing in the towel to stop now. I’m surprisingly not craving anything… just had the headaches from the caffeine and sugar withdrawal I think. Today went pretty well πŸ™‚ Congrats on your first week! Our anniversary dates are quite close lol

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  10. MY LIFE since I was like 10….I’m a big fan of fruit though. It’s unprocessed and I refuse to believe that apples and bananas is bad for me when there are so many worse things I could be eating, y’know?

    But I don’t judge the people it works for. Ya gotta find something you’re willing to stick to every day for forever.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Right? Apples and bananas are giving me life right now. It makes me sad they are looked at as ‘bad’ because of the sugar. It’s natural at least! Don’t take it away ahhh

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  11. We’re not paleo, we’re vegan. You asked how to stick to a diet? tie it to your values, that makes it easy. We have a sugar-free, dairy-free, and cruelty-free diet. That makes it easy to stick to it when I am not feeling good or when there’s cake or any other time I could make any other excuse.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Thanks for the advice! It’s getting easier for me to stick to right now because I’m trying to figure out some pains. I’m tired of feeling like crap

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  12. Just do thorough search on the net. There are plenty of paleo recipes available and plenty of tips, suggestions and support. I remember doing a diet at university. After the first week I thought I would die. One day while attempting to do some studying I just gave up. I got a diet soda and an ice cream from the vending machine. Afterwards I felt like myself again and never did another diet but that is just me. I wish you the best of luck on your diet and hope that you feel a lot better soon.

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  13. I’m not sure if plain yogurt fits on your list of approved items, but if it is, eat that with a mixture of berries/fruit. I prefer blueberries, strawberries and (if available and not too expensive) blackberries. Yum! You’ll get your sugar fix from that and it will still be healthy.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Mmm that sounds amazing. I’m not eating any dairy right now, so I can’t have it. It’s a shame because Greek yogurt is amazinggg.

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  14. I’ve been carb free for 4 years. I just convinced myself that I wasn’t denying myself anything, rather I’m better without it. Pretty much the same with alcohol – none in 2016. Although I think a human life has a finite amount of alcohol it can put in its body and I may have reached my limit.
    Try mashed cauliflower, lentils, chickpeas, fish, meat (3 times a week). I can’t believe I’m giving this advice. 20 years ago I’d have slapped myself for being such a health bore.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Ooo mashed cauliflower. There seems to be a lot of interesting cauliflower recipes out there I need to hunt down. Carb free is pretty impressive! I like fruit too much to take that step lol

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  15. Love your stuff. However, the primary withdrawal symptom from caffeine is headaches. Caffeine is actually one of those substances that it is best to taper off of rather than go cold turkey. Probably you could have used this advice some time ago, huh? Maybe it would have been nice if the paleo folks suggested this. But no …. ; )
    Hang in there. It will get better.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Thanks πŸ˜€ I knew about the headaches, thankfully lol. They were paiiiinful. Glad that’s passed πŸ™‚

      Reply
  16. Thank you for following my blog as it led me to yours and my daughter and I couldn’t stop laughing at what you had written so we went on to read a few more!
    You have such a wonderful gift of being able to write in a humorous way.

    Reply
  17. We’ve been vegetarians for eons. Fortunately our family doctor and is wife are also vegetarians, so I don’t have anybody giving me crazy advice. Seriously, I would suggest you talk to your doctor or a nutritionist about some of these diets. Unless you have celiac disease, for instance, going gluten free is NOT wise; there are nutrients in wheat that your body needs. And, as somebody else mentioned, dropping fruits completely can give you scurvy, which is not pretty. Milking a cow does it no harm, nor does taking a chicken’s eggs away from her, so don’t feel guilty about consuming cheese or eggs.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      My doctor is the one who recommend I do this for a little bit πŸ™‚ But, you’re right… everyone should check with their doctor.

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  18. There are tons of really good paleo chicken recipes online. My go to easy paleo recipes usually involve chicken thighs or fish fillets with a little bit of spices. Honey is a staple for making sauces or as a sweetener. Coconut oil can be used for almost anything (put it in your hair for a few hours before you shower for shiny hair, use it to oil the door so it doesn’t squeak). Depending on which paleo diet you choose you may still be able to use butter as well (nothing beats eggs cooked with real butter).
    Most of the dishes you are used to making can be adjusted to the paleo diet. Lettuce to replace bread in wraps, burgers and sandwiches. Honey in the place of sugar. Herbal teas in the place of coffee (I find mint to be quite refreshing in the morning).
    Unfortunately I am not a huge fan of pizza so I haven’t thought about a way to make that paleo friendly though if you find a good recipe feel free to send it my way.
    Don’t forget to set a cheat day, whether that is once a week or once a month it is good to indulge on occasion. I found the first few weeks I would just chow down on chocolate and candies and pizza and other “junk” food. Then I started feeling gross after eating it. Now sometimes my cheat day is either not actually a cheat day at all or sometimes it is a day I only drink water, maybe treat myself with some juice and don’t eat anything at all (which is also recommended by some nutritionists).

    Good luck and I hope you quickly get over the initial withdrawals!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Honey has been a savior for me as well! Especially in my coffee. I found a cinnamon honey that’s saved my life so far lol. I’m not eating butter right now unfortunately πŸ™ Trying to figure out if I have a dairy issue or not. Eek

      Reply
      1. I thought I had a dairy issue – I couldn’t eat ice cream without horrible results – the horror :O And then realized milk from the Farmer’s Market didn’t bother me. I’ve since learned that carrageenan or locust bean which is an additive can be a problem. I now make my own ice cream or have Haagen Dazs vanilla or chocolate and on occassion just suffer the consequences.

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  19. My advice is don’t do it! I lasted three days. It’s no fun. My intestines began to hurt – and I had to detox from going paleo! too much damn meat. As for giving up sugar I think I lasted three hours once. I tried to be clean but I love junk. I figure it this way – when all the natural food has become obsolete my stomach will be prepared πŸ™‚

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Ah, that’s a pretty good way to get your body ready haha. And a great justification for your mind πŸ™‚ Amazing. I AM having some strange discomfort the past few days…. eh

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh, damn. That sucks. I can’t drink caffeine because it makes mine terrible. I’d give up bacon for a regular coffee any day!

      Reply
  20. I’m off of Carbs, Wheat, Sugar, Dairy and Caffeine.
    Life pretty much sucks and it is only day three.
    However. Have pizza with a cauliflower base and no cheese. I have just eaten Avocado, Eggs and ham for breakfast. Last night I had chicken spaghetti made from spiralized courgettes.
    To be honest, not my go to happy meal but all VERY tasty and do able….

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      We are doing exactly the same thing lol. Except, I don’t always feel like cooking so my dinner is usually just grilled chicken and broccoli or something. Gets boring so fast. I’m dying over here. Come cook for me haha

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  21. I feel ya with the caffeine withdrawals! So glad that was last week for me. If you do set up a pinterest account, look up cauliflower recipes. You can make an awesome pizza crust from it and there are even recipes for cauliflower bread. At least that turkey patty can have a bun!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Cauliflower bread?! I’ve never heard of that lol. Interesting! Thanks for the tips πŸ™‚ Glad you’ve made it through caffeine withdrawals! Worst part of it all.

      Reply
  22. I’ll see that “possessed foods” and raise you a “fellatio fish sandwich” that a friend ordered at McDonald’s. The girl didn’t flinch, and said, “Got it. Extra tartar sauce.”

    Reply
  23. Very odd I just started reading this because I am trying so hard to lose just another 10 or 15 lbs to try and stave off the diabetes that plagues my plump family. Yes, I feel like a psycho when I try to do this and being an old bitty does not help either. I have not had pizza in forever, but a few left over store bought pieces of spinach/artichoke gathering frost in my freezer. I still eat frozen yogurt though because it’s lower fat and supposed to be better for you, except for the sugar of course.

    Reply
  24. So that’s what I’ve been doing all these years? πŸ™‚
    We were a very healthy family growing up, rarely did we have anything processed. I’ve tried eating that stuff from time to time but it just makes me nauseous, I can’t do it. The closest I can get is popcorn.
    You’ll actually feel much better once your body gets over the initial shock.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh, it’s been great since my body is finally used to it! It was hard at first, but totally worth it πŸ™‚

      Reply

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