People in costumes make me violent. No, not your cute 5-year-olds dressed up as Pocahontas and John Smith, just the adults. It doesn’t matter if it’s women shoved into slutty nurse costumes that leave little to the imagination on Halloween, or if it’s a Chewbacca-nerd at a Star Wars convention. Either way – I’m uncomfortable. The first time I went to Disney World, two people dressed as mimes followed my sister and I around because they thought they were being funny by scaring us. I threw my half-eaten corndog at one’s eye, and dumped my drink on the other. Don’t mess with me – I’m armed with food.
I was at a birthday party this weekend for two of my nieces, and of course, there was a clown. We found ourselves alone inside while he was getting set up, so I thought it would be a good time to have an adult conversation with him.
Me: I just want to let you know in private, I’m afraid of clowns. I know it’s irrational because you’re probably just a normal guy with a family, but I felt the need to tell you. Hopefully it will help me keep my shit together today.
Clown: Hi, I’m Bozo! Being a clown is normal! Everyone in my family is a clown and we love making people laugh, especially with our tricks! If you promise to not use potty language, I’ll make you a balloon animal! What one would you love to have?
Me: Bozo? That’s a fitting name… because you’re not getting my point. Can we just talk like normal adults? We’re alone.
Clown: Well, whatever do you mean, normal? A clown is normal, and everyone loves balloon animals!
Me: I hate you. Next time someone throws a pie in your face, I hope you choke on a rogue blueberry.
Clown: Ho ho ha ha. You’ve got quite the imagination! Want to be my very special helper today? There are bunnies involved! If you do well, you can even hold one! Isn’t that so exciting?
Me: I will kill you.
I spent the rest of the day lurking in the background of the party with a wine glass clutched close. Do you have any irrational fears? Ones that are rational? Shouldn’t clowns be illegal?