rogue blueberries

People in costumes make me violent. No, not your cute 5-year-olds dressed up as Pocahontas and John Smith, just the adults. It doesn’t matter if it’s women shoved into slutty nurse costumes that leave little to the imagination on Halloween, or if it’s a Chewbacca-nerd at a Star Wars convention. Either way – I’m uncomfortable. The first time I went to Disney World, two people dressed as mimes followed my sister and I around because they thought they were being funny by scaring us. I threw my half-eaten corndog at one’s eye, and dumped my drink on the other. Don’t mess with me – I’m armed with food.

I was at a birthday party this weekend for two of my nieces, and of course, there was a clown. We found ourselves alone inside while he was getting set up, so I thought it would be a good time to have an adult conversation with him.

camandmitchclown

Me: I just want to let you know in private, I’m afraid of clowns. I know it’s irrational because you’re probably just a normal guy with a family, but I felt the need to tell you. Hopefully it will help me keep my shit together today.

Clown: Hi, I’m Bozo! Being a clown is normal!  Everyone in my family is a clown and we love making people laugh, especially with our tricks! If you promise to not use potty language, I’ll make you a balloon animal! What one would you love to have?

Me: Bozo? That’s a fitting name… because you’re not getting my point. Can we just talk like normal adults? We’re alone.

Clown: Well, whatever do you mean, normal? A clown is normal, and everyone loves balloon animals!

Me: I hate you. Next time someone throws a pie in your face, I hope you choke on a rogue blueberry.

Clown: Ho ho ha ha. You’ve got quite the imagination! Want to be my very special helper today? There are bunnies involved! If you do well, you can even hold one! Isn’t that so exciting?

Me: I will kill you.

I spent the rest of the day lurking in the background of the party with a wine glass clutched close. Do you have any irrational fears? Ones that are rational? Shouldn’t clowns be illegal?

164 Comments

  1. Clowns don’t make me afraid; they make me angry. I want to hurt them, wipe that smile off their faces, bring them the enlightenment with a flamethrower.

    I once had a guy live across the hall from me in college. His mother was a professional clown, and he had a picture of her – as a clown – in a prominent place on his dresser. He didn’t date much.

    Reply
  2. Paulo

    I really enjoy your blog. You have a refreshing sense of humor. As far as clowns go, I don’t think children like clowns either. I was at one kids party with my little ones, and it was great! Then the clown showed up. It was like a terrorist invasion! Every kid crying in hysterics! We had to actually ask him to leave, cause he wouldn’t take the hint.

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  3. Asshole clowns. I don’t have a problem with most adult costumes, but I can’t stand clowns. They’re creepy as hell.

    As for irrational fears — spiders. They’re all brown recluses when I see them and make me run through the house screaming.

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  4. I always found dolls scary as a kid. Clowns and mimes have the same kind of eerie, unreal faces as dolls. And they’re much bigger. And they can move. Can’t think why anyone is terrified of them.

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  5. This is so funny! There is actually a name for a fear of clowns – coulrophobia – as quite a few people find them scary. When it comes to irrational fears my entire 10 hour a day OCD was based on irrational fears such as that if I didn’t have time to leap into a kung pose on the landing upstairs after I’d set the burglar alarm the house could be broken into. Now I still have an irrational fear of intruders and have to lock myself in my room at night but it is much much less crazy than before!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Balloons? I wonder why? Is it the fact they can pop at any second and sound like someone is shooting at you? I totally get it lol

      Reply
  6. bg

    I am not afraid of clowns but I do have a pet hate for them. When I was a young lad I was at a circus and a clown singled me out for his stupidity act by calling me Snow White as my hair was very white. Now I knew my fairy tales and Snow White was a girl. Bloody Clown was calling me a girl. Hello pet hate and proof I don’t forget or forgive and all clowns must pay for his slight forever and ever amen lol . Anyway I hope this week’s going better for you and if you want some revenge on clowns watch a rodeo or two and enjoy watching the bulls terrorize the clowns 😃😈

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  7. Nyx

    Effing clowns. And adults in costume. Around Easter, my bloke and I went to the shopping centre to have something to eat. We were minding our own business and holding hands, when the bloody Easter bunny man comes up, gets in my personal space, and won’t leave until I shake his hand. It’s the first time in a long time that I’ve seriously wished physical harm on another human being.

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  8. When I was a kid, there was a children’s TV show called “Howdy Doody” with a puppet of that name, an adult nebbish called “Buffalo Bob”, and a clown called “Clarabell” [sp?] who would spray people with seltzer water. This was supposedly hilarious. I wondered why nobody slugged the clown.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      That’s actually pretty creepy and strange haha. I’ve heard of that show. Thankfully, it was off the airwaves by the time I was born. I feel like it would have caused nightmares lol

      Reply
  9. Ugh!! That clown deserved to get punched!!

    I know sometimes people embellish things for their blogs, which is fine or whatever, but I must say that in my head, every word of your conversation with that clown actually happened. It’s making me laugh out loud.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Wait… That actually all happened hahaha. But I left out that I said it humorously. It wasn’t like a legit death threat. I think he stayed in character because he thought we were in on a joke together or something. Who knows.

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  10. I’m fine with clowns, but am very worried about imaginary sea monsters. Really, actual awful sea creatures I am not so worried about because I wouldn’t swim in the sea where they live. I am worried about those ones that no-one has seen before that live just off the east coast of the UK in the North Sea …. I am also scared of heights but that is a rational fear ….. so there. 🙂

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  11. Stop! This can’t possible be real, I don’t understand!! We had a toy soldier at our work holiday party this past Christmas, and he was such a creeper – not to mention he didn’t even talk, he was a mime toy soldier! I had to keep eyes on him all night so that he wouldn’t unexpectedly touch my head or come up behind me. SO CREEPY! Not to mention people where making fun of him and being visibly uncomfortable around him…. I wonder how he felt at home afterwards? Normal? Sad? … Anyways I rambled wayy long on this one, but I get it. #StayAway.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      No my god. A mime toy soldier? That’s not okay. I would be visibly bothered by that as well, and paranoid the entire time lol. You kind of made me feel bad for him, though. I hope he wasn’t a sad clown at home.

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  12. If I pass gas when walking with my wife (I never do that) I jokingly say that I stepped on a ‘fart bug’. But now, it’s come back to haunt me since those flat, postage size and for real ‘stink bugs’ have made it up north and are trying to make it into the house. They give me the willies. Of course, none of this compares with my rational fear of another ‘President Clinton’…

    Reply

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