i’m all over the place

I have a lot of random thoughts that I want to write about, but I can never actually form them into a legitimate blog post. I mean, I probably could, but I doubt anyone would want to read an entire post about the piece of chicken that I ate that I swear was in the shape of a cow. Yes, a cow. Unless you’re into reading that kind of stuff.  Chicken in the shape of beef. Don’t say you’re not impressed.  So, I figured it made more sense to combine my strange thoughts into one post. Here we go, friends…

Dessert – Last night Alex and I were having an important conversation about my extreme craving for ice cream while laying on the couch. When I yawned, one of my cats took it upon herself to sneeze in my mouth. I’m sorry to announce this, but… I might have cat-scratch-fever. Or, at the very least – Ebola. This wasn’t exactly the type of dessert I had in mind, but thanks, Pix.  You’re really helping end the stereotype that cats are assholes.

catsareassholes

Therapists – Speaking of Ebola, there’s been a recent spike in my hypochondria.  My mind has escalated the common cold into the flu, which means there’s a 98% chance I’m going to die from related complications. A pulled muscle in my hip has turned into hip dysplasia and a 99% chance I’m going to need a hip replacement at the age of 29. I thought it would be a good idea to check in with my therapist to talk about it, and she gave me some pretty solid advice I wanted to share. “Blair… just calm down.” JUST CALM DOWN, GUYS. Hey, all people suffering with depression – just be happy, okay? All anxiety sufferers – don’t worry about it! Everything is good here. People with eating disorders – it’s just a cheeseburger, eat up! (You all owe me $100 for this really solid advice. This is what my therapist charges, and clearly … she’s a freakin’ genius.)

Spiders – I’m pretty sure spiders are messengers from hell. These tiny bastards are invading North Carolina and my house is under siege. We have had our home sprayed by an exterminator, yet twice this month a wolf spider has spindled down from the ceiling right in front of my face. TWICE. One time the spider was the size of a quarter. What fresh hell is this?  How many of these things do I have to pop like a blueberry (while screaming, mind you) before the message is clearly sent? Stay away, evil bastards! There’s no room for you here.

spiderslippers

Anyone know where I can get a pair of these?

May has been a great month so far. How’s yours going?

156 Comments

  1. Nyx

    In my zine, I started a page called ‘Little Thoughts’ for all the small things that I want to express but don’t have enough oomph to flesh out a whole zine piece.

    Oh, animals. My female dog loves sneezing in everyone’s faces. My male dog (he only does this to me) likes to wander near to me, sit down, fart, and then wander away. I’m beginning to think the cat, who wants to sleep on my face, is the normal one.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Aw, your dog likes to fart on only you? That must be like… the highest compliment a dog can give or something haha. Pretty gross, though.

      Reply
      1. Nyx

        He was fighting with the cat once and spun around to pin the cat against the wall with his hip. Then he farted at the cat, who couldn’t get away.

        Somehow I don’t think farting is his way of saying ‘I love you’. Hahaha.

        And yes, it’s one of those moments I truly regret not having a video recording…

        Reply
  2. you entertain and educate all in the same post!! (not an easy task). just an fyi for your spiders, even though you have an exterminator, try some peppermint oil mixed with a little water around the window sills, doorways, etc. house will smell minty fresh and should help keep more of those creeps outside where they belong.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Good tips! It seems I need all the help I can get with these beasts, exterminator or not lol. Thank you 🙂

      Reply
  3. I love your posts! Besides watching old episodes of Psych, I never laugh so hard! Not a spider phobe, thankfully. I used to let some stay if they made a web by one of my vintage doors with huge gaps on the bottom, even with weather stripping. If they have to go, I put them in a jar and into the garden outside. Appears you could actually just make your own spider slippers!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Aw, you’re so sweet to the spiders haha. I crush them as fast as possible. Eek. If only I had some sewing skills I could make my own 🙂

      Reply
  4. Spiders are definitely minions from hell. My husband is the slayer of spiders in my house because…well…I’m busy fussing like a little kid about the bleeping creepers….I love your randomness. Keep it up!

    Reply

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