aim for the goods

Do you guys remember the post I made about the little hell-child that roams my neighborhood? The one that I forced to take a swim in dog-poop-soup in my backyard? (Jesus, if you have no idea what I’m talking about, I probably sound like the worst human being there is.) THE KID HAD IT COMING, OKAY? I’m not a monster.

If you don’t feel like clicking the link, I’ll give you a fast overview. There’s a middle-school kid who roams our cul-de-sac and has no respect for anybody’s property. He walks in unlocked houses. Goes through cars. Jumps fences and tramples on flowers. Has left chip bags and other trash in yards. The worst thing about all of it – his parents don’t give a crap no matter how many people complain about it. The kid is the spawn of Satan. Seriously. Pretty sure his mother is Satan’s side bitch.

Now that we’re caught up.

We lost power for a short time last night during a heavy thunderstorm. Usually I like storms, but when the power cuts in the middle of the night and I’m suddenly sitting there in the dark only able to hear my cat slowly licking her ass, things get creepy for me.  Here’s the following series of events:

Alex: I love you

Me: I love you way more, though

Alex: Uhh, I don’t think so.

Me: God, I hate us. We’re so sick. If I weren’t me, I’d totally want to kill us.

*Front door randomly opens and a rain-soaked person walks right into our house*

At this point, I was 100% sure this guy was, in fact, here to murder us. So I did what every classy kick-in-the-balls-funnywoman would = aimed for his nuts. I ran up, while screaming like a banshee, and punted as hard as I could before shoving the person back out the door. Alex grabbed a flashlight and, lo and behold, neighbor boy was clutching himself as he ran away.

Yep. I kicked an 11-year-old in the balls last night. I’m not sure I should find this as humorous as I do. Maybe I AM a monster. I’ve got a first-class seat on the ride to hell. Who’s joining me?

Blair = 2 Neighbor Boy = 0

 

179 Comments

  1. Sounds like self-defense. Any court will acquit you of ball-busting when you claim self-defense. And what was this little burglar doing in your house anyway? Did you call the cops on him? He’d be easy to pick out of a lineup. He’s the one with the swollen nuts.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I hope they wouldn’t show his nuts on a lineup. Ew lol. He just randomly opens it and walks in to see if my nieces are visiting. I don’t know why he doesn’t just knock. WTF?

      Reply
  2. You did the right thing, who enters into a stranger’s house in the middle of a storm?!? I mean who enters into a stranger’s house at all?! Overall sounds like a really funny anecdote to tell in parties

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Right? I don’t think he will exact revenge. His parents might, but that’d be more attention they’ve given a situation ever.

      Reply
  3. Anonymous

    Sounds like his parents need a beat down next….. You guys should all just trample their flowers, throw trash in their yard and make sure someone is always in their house, so they can wake up at 3am with a stranger looming over them in the dark. Staring.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I didn’t. I think he just walked in because he wanted to know if my nieces were at our house. I’ve talked to the police about it before and they told us to make sure our house was locked. Which I normally DO, but I was literally standing right in front of the door and hadn’t locked it yet. Scary.

      Reply
  4. That is the greatest feeling ever! I totally want to do that to the toad my son runs around with, but my wife and son would get really mad at me. I am just going to live the dream vicariously through you.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Welcome aboard the crazy train! lol. You should probably do it to the toad. I have a feeling he deserves it

      Reply
  5. Little bastard deserved it .just one question in pure humor , did Alex think it was zombies and wanted you to be eaten first so you didn’t need the pain of chopping his head off ? Strictly meant as fun .my experience has taught me make the parents suffer , nothing like a burning pile of shit on there door step to get the party started.I put a half full garbage can of water on my neighbors door , then knocked and fell on there lawn laughing my ass off lol.What where they going to do get a squirt gun and water balloons after me.you go girl 😇

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Haha, it’s funny you ask about Alex, because when he read my post he thought he looked like he just left me there alone and didn’t do anything. BUT, he was actually in the other room. I was standing RIGHT in front of the door. The zombie apocalypse would be kickass!

      Reply
  6. He technically broke into your house, he deserves it. When my husband or I hear something weird in our house we take a gun with us to explore so he’s lucky you just got him in the family jewels. Plus if you’re lucky he won’t make more little Satans now.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I doubt they’d call one in on me lol. There have been numerous complaints about him in the neighborhood.

      Reply
  7. thetinfoilhatsociety

    Man. He’s damned lucky I’m not his neighbor because he’d be dead right now. I would have shot him. I’ve already been the victim of an attempted home invasion once, which was attempted only because I was armed. I won’t spare the ammo next time.

    Reply
  8. Oh I am so with you!! I’m sure that kid’s brother lives next door to me! Last night I opened the blinds to check on the weather situation, it’s Oklahoma, that’s how we check the weather, and this little shit is staring in my window. Hands on the window like a Peeping Tom. Naturally I screamed! He didn’t even move! I may or may not have threatened to shoot him. Okay, I did. My boyfriend almost had a stroke and thought I overreacted. The police did not think so however and hauled his little butt downtown!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      You’re quite welcome lol. I feel a little bad for him, too. Not so much for the ball pain he must be enduring… but more for the fact his parents pay ZERO attention to him.

      Reply
  9. That’s so terrifying! 11-year-old or not, you’re super “ballsy” 😉 for going after an intruder – I probably would have just yelled “Oh my god” over and over, which is how I deal with scary stuff haha. In a way, I feel a little bad for this kid. Not for the sore balls, but for the fact that his parents don’t care…he’s never going to get an opportunity to get help and grow as a person.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Agreed. I screamed too… but sprung into action. I feel bad about his parents too. They clearly don’t give a crap what their kid does :\

      Reply
          1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

            MAKE me cheese? Damn. That’s luxury right there lol. Unless you’re talking about toe cheese or something. I’ve never had homemade cheese!

  10. Okay – no you have to explain some things to me. What is the connection between the storm, the electricity going out, and this boy coming into your house in the night? Does he come often and you don’t notice? Do you have some kind of electronic locking system that went out? Do you lock your doors at night?
    I’m confused.
    But if someone were to come into my house in the night, I hope I would have the same courage as you!
    But no one will come in my house.
    I have two dogs.
    Get a dog, Blair.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I’m not sure what the connection was with HIM, I was just freaked out already because the storm knocked the power out lol. We DO lock the doors, but I was literally standing right in front of the door, so it hadn’t been locked yet. He’s come into my house before a long time ago, but this was the first time in awhile. My nieces spent the weekend at our house, and I think he was just coming in to see if they were still here. I don’t know why he wouldn’t just KNOCK first. Doesn’t seem like a hard concept! I’m not a fan of dogs 🙂 I like them, just not in my house. If only my cats would alert me to intruders.

      Reply
  11. ok Blair 1) 911 IMMEDIATELY AND REPORT THIS! Not kidding here, this is waaay to serious to ignore as “just a neighbor kid”. You need to make sure this kid AND HIS PARENTS know you WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR.
    I am not just saying this as a mom, but as someone who has been there. Lived in a rougher part of Denver for a while. Loved my neighbors, or at least most of them. It only took the 1 house to make everyone miserable. Cops were called when I caught them tossing food over at my dogs – I picked it up and gave it to the cops – poisoned. They (the cops) told me the best, fastest way to stop this was to “REPORT EVERYTHING”..so I did and they were right. the teen boy got busted for a drive-by where he killed a baby in the back seat. Once my neighbors joined me in calling the cops on everything – they left our neighborhood. I went back to that area about 3 years after we moved out here to our farm…most are still there and one lady even gave me a hug and said thank you. I was a single mom of a disabled daughter but I stood up against the jerks to protect my own – I made her proud she said. So you be careful and call 911 ON EVERYTHING!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Wow, that’s crazy. He tried to poison your dogs?! Insane. I’ve called the cops on this kid before, and the only thing they told us was t o “lock your doors.” Seriously. I don’t think this kid is troubled. I believe he was just coming to see if my nieces were over since they had been there all weekend. Maybe I’ll try calling again!

      Reply
  12. Holy Crap! He’s lucky a kick to the balls is all he got. That’s a dangerous habit he has. I laughed uncontrollably at the “cat slowly licking her ass” comment. I have two cats, each with their own ass licking obsession…I’m kind of embarrassed for them. They need meds or something. 🙂

    Reply
  13. He’s lucky he just got a foot instead of shotgun shrapnel! Do you seriously all leave your doors unlocked around your neighborhood? Yikes! I guess I grew up in a world where Satan’s spawn was more common and more vicious. Gonna lock up now? Or do you figure the tale of the ball-kicking dog-poop-soup-slinging monster will keep everyone at bay?

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Yes, I usually lock my doors lol. I live in the 3rd safest town in all of America haha. Not much happens here so a lot of people leave their stuff unlocked! Not really smart, but ya know

      Reply
      1. Kinda glad to hear there’s somewhere like that left. Where I live now we can at least put art on the porch and things in the yard without them getting ripped off in 5 seconds. Where I grew up in Miami I actually had a kid try to take my brother’s old rusty bike away right in front of me while my brother went in to take a pee. Then the kid argued when I told him no several times…luckily the big bro came back out and his girth was more convincing so the kid left. Sheesh!

        Reply
        1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

          Sheesh! That’s nuts. I’ve lived a pretty sheltered life and never had to deal with any situations like that lol. Thankfully!

          Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Haha, I usually do lock them :). When I’m home and near the front door it goes unlocked sometimes. Not anymore!

      Reply
  14. I swear to God, Blair, you’re better than TV. This (and the post about how you got him the first time) had me crying laughing. Thank you for always making my day better. On a side note, you may be single-handedly preventing this kid from becoming a serious offender one day, so kudos. If his parents won’t whoop his ass, he’ll get a swift kick in the nuts from you.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Thanks :D. So kind to say. I’m glad I could make you laugh! I like to think I was doing something positive by kicking him in the family jewels ha

      Reply
  15. LOL this is awesome, I would’ve done the same. The kid won’t respect your house and your space, I say let the games begin!! I’d prank war the hell out of that kid. Then again I’m an asshole, so lol

    Reply
  16. He just ENTERED your house?! Girl, lock yo doors! Hide yo cats, hide your wife! Lol, I totally approve of your actions and your bravery! I lock my doors at all times so neighbor boy would have been breaking and entering…
    Have you seen him since? How awkward!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I normally do lock my doors, but I was literally standing RIGHT in front of it haha. I haven’t seen him since. I keep waiting to get an angry visit from his parents, but no sign of them yet. Whew.

      Reply

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