aim for the goods

Do you guys remember the post I made about the little hell-child that roams my neighborhood? The one that I forced to take a swim in dog-poop-soup in my backyard? (Jesus, if you have no idea what I’m talking about, I probably sound like the worst human being there is.) THE KID HAD IT COMING, OKAY? I’m not a monster.

If you don’t feel like clicking the link, I’ll give you a fast overview. There’s a middle-school kid who roams our cul-de-sac and has no respect for anybody’s property. He walks in unlocked houses. Goes through cars. Jumps fences and tramples on flowers. Has left chip bags and other trash in yards. The worst thing about all of it – his parents don’t give a crap no matter how many people complain about it. The kid is the spawn of Satan. Seriously. Pretty sure his mother is Satan’s side bitch.

Now that we’re caught up.

We lost power for a short time last night during a heavy thunderstorm. Usually I like storms, but when the power cuts in the middle of the night and I’m suddenly sitting there in the dark only able to hear my cat slowly licking her ass, things get creepy for me.  Here’s the following series of events:

Alex: I love you

Me: I love you way more, though

Alex: Uhh, I don’t think so.

Me: God, I hate us. We’re so sick. If I weren’t me, I’d totally want to kill us.

*Front door randomly opens and a rain-soaked person walks right into our house*

At this point, I was 100% sure this guy was, in fact, here to murder us. So I did what every classy kick-in-the-balls-funnywoman would = aimed for his nuts. I ran up, while screaming like a banshee, and punted as hard as I could before shoving the person back out the door. Alex grabbed a flashlight and, lo and behold, neighbor boy was clutching himself as he ran away.

Yep. I kicked an 11-year-old in the balls last night. I’m not sure I should find this as humorous as I do. Maybe I AM a monster. I’ve got a first-class seat on the ride to hell. Who’s joining me?

Blair = 2 Neighbor Boy = 0

 

179 Comments

  1. Perhaps he’ll knock next time. Some people only learn manners the hard way. Funny story.

    I wonder about his mental abilities, however. That’s odd behavior for an 11 year old, even one who has an absent or awful parent. I’d make sure to keep my distance…and lock your doors.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Agreed, there’s probably something amiss. I think he was just looking to hang out with my nieces though. But still…. very strange.

      Reply
  2. Sadly you might have been right about that kid’s intent. Not normal if you are not fond of the boy. I used to have a little neighbor girl that just came in my house when it was unlocked when my kids were her age, but she was a little sweetie.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Yeah, if only he was a sweet kid haha. I wouldn’t mind most young kids entering my house if it was with the intent to play video games with each other. Seems pretty harmless 🙂

      Reply
  3. Echoing above…seriously, this is how people get shot. You don’t just wander into houses, yo.

    I would make a police report as well. Repetition can sometimes get action, as referenced above….

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Yeah, I probably should. Repetition might work in my favor. I know a lot of other neighbors have complained about him to the police and they say the kid is harmless and to just ‘lock your doors!’ Grr

      Reply
      1. I can’t imagine living anywhere that I’d be able to leave my doors unlocked in the first place, but I’m bed-ridden and what you might call “vulnerable”. I’d listen to the cops on that score (useless as they seem otherwise) just in case this kid does turn out to be the next Ted Bundy or something.

        Kudos on teaching this kid some manners, both this time and the last! I’d probably do the exact same thing if I had to put up with the neighbourhood kids as more than just shrieks through my walls from outside. (Even then, I’ve seriously considered just running them over with my wheelchair, but I think the NHS would at some point wonder why I had a bunch of kids caught in my wheels.)

        Reply
        1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

          Kids caught in wheels lol. I can’t stand the yelling and basically any unnecessary noises. Drives me insane!

          Reply
  4. OMG, Blair, I want you as my neighbor! You could have been extra awesome about two years ago when we had had about a year or more of this neighbor kid going in our yard whether we were home or not and playing on the swings. He would go in our arctic entry and steal my son’s toys and equipment. He left his bike and all his crap all over our yard even though his house was right across the street. (He finally stopped when I started tossing whatever I found into the SUV and next time I went out dropped off at donation center.)

    For an idea of how his family didn’t give a shit: When my son tried to tell his mother about my fear he might be hurt in our yard and no one knew where he was (because the mother didn’t keep track of where he was, ever), the only thing anybody had to say was, “You can’t use the phrase ‘my property’ because you’re not 18 yet so you can’t legally own property.”

    Fortunately this little shit and his twisted family moved away. Have you considered a carer in teaching? 😛

    Also must add: Yes, police report. That kid might get his ass shot in my neighborhood. His parents need their effing heads banged together.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Wow, are you sure we WEREN’T neighbors at some point? That’s EXACTLY the same situation haha. He leaves stuff on our property, and we put it in the locked garage. What a dumb thing to say to a little kid. Some parents are terrible. I actually have considered teaching – but I only want to deal with little kids, so I’d want to do preschool or kindergarten lol. You never know!

      Reply
  5. Blair.
    You ROCK!!
    You kicked the little fucker in the balls and top kudos to you.
    NO ONE should just open a door unless they are super close or family.
    The boy has issues so hopefully this time the little nut case will get the message otherwise if he does it again, perform a citizens arrest for B&E and call the Police because the little twat is allowed into your property without your permission.
    When the parents see all the hoo haa of a cop car and then realise it’s their child, they will be mortified.
    That’s all I have to say about that.
    Oh,and one more thing.
    You Rock! (again)

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Thanks! Ooo, a citizens arrest. Good idea. Although, I’d be afraid I’d be doing something wrong because I’m holding a child against his will haha. Scary stuff. The police have been called on this kid before, they have just told us he is “harmless” and “lock your doors!” THANKS FOR NOTHIN’, am I right? Sheesh

      Reply
  6. This boy sounds like he needs serious help (and parents who care.) Kids raised with no boundaries become adults with no boundaries, and our prisons become even more overcrowded. He may have issues that are causing the behavioral problems and aren’t being addressed. I’d keep my doors, cars, etc. locked 24/7 and file the police report. You & your property will be more secure and maybe if enough people give it attention (even if it’s negative attention) he might get the help he needs. I’d like to think there’s still hope for someone who’s only 11.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Yeah, I think I’ll file a report tomorrow just to have it on the records. Might as well, right? I don’t think the kid will end up that bad off, but I may be totally wrong. Hopefully someone in his family cares enough to step in.

      Reply
  7. Okay the way I see this is: he was lucky he just ran into you. You might kick him, but you aren’t going to kill him.

    By way of analogy, my cats have scratched my toddlers on a few occasions. My kids totally had it coming, because they were pulling on whiskers or poking eyes or the like. My cats are shockingly patient and wouldn’t strike unless pushed to the brink.

    So, my kids get a little smack when tormenting a housecat. Nothing that causes permanent damage though. Unlike, say, a wild animal…

    That kid needs to learn. Better he learn from you than someone truly dangerous.

    (Not that I advocate kicking kids in the balls, of course, but you get my point)

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I hear ya. Kids need to learn the consequences of their actions. If I had kids, I’d let my cats smack them too if they were being mean haha

      Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      YEAH! Be my sidekick. I’m an adult who’s married, so those titles are already filled. BUT, you can totally be the Robin to my Batman.

      Reply
  8. Pft he’s lucky he didn’t break into my house. He’d have been shot…and NO I would not have been sorry. You should seriously call the cops on that kid and press charges. What an asshole and what asshole parents.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Right? He’s lucky we don’t have a gun (yet!) I wasn’t going to call the police, but I think I’m going to file a complaint just so they have a record of it. The whole family is nutso

      Reply
  9. Hi Blair,
    This is serious. I would report to the cops, like it was said in another comment. The kid can try to get revenge and vandalize your property. So if he does that, you would have a previous report. Also, put surveillance cameras in your front door and yard and tell the kids parents that you’ll sue them for transpassing (they are responsible for their kid).
    We had a problem like this problem before. A bunch of teens were trashing our neighborhood, but we didn’t know who they were. We reported twice and the police got them. We put some basic surveillance cameras and a sensor in the yard,and they never came back.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Damn! I wasn’t planning on calling the police, but I figure I’ll file a complaint just so they have it on record. Last time they just ignored us and said to “lock the doors” and “he’s just a harmless kid.” Psht…

      Reply
  10. Personally it makes me think that that whole family is not playing with a full deck. Keep as far away as possible. lock doors and whatever it takes, things can get out of hand and dangerous and you certainly don’t need that kind of crap. Made me think of the worst scenario – if you had lashed out with a knife or hit him with a blunt object as much as he wasn’t supposed to be there still he is supposedly an 11 year old child. Are you sure we’re not dealing with a midget here or one of the muchkins from OZ????

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I wish it was a munchkin from Oz, then he could do a song and dance for me. Then I’d be at least slightly amused by him! Haha. The family actually seems quite normal, except for the fact the parents are ALWAYS at work and don’t pay attention to the kid. They leave him home with his high school sister, and she is usually ignoring him. Annoying family.

      Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Thanks! Haha. I was pretty proud of it because it put me on the spot. You never know how you’re going to react in those situations until you’re there 🙂

      Reply
  11. An epic story! My little cousin used to wander around town and enter people’s houses. His mom had 6 boys so it was hard for her to keep track of all of them…she’d always get calls from the neighbors though “Hey, umm, Hunter’s here again….” He was harmless, but it certainly was an odd habit he had.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Sounds like the exact situation I’m in! Except, he doesn’t have a horde of siblings, so there’s really no excuse. I truly think the kid is harmless, he’s just a bit… strange lol

      Reply
  12. I wonder if a call to your county social services might do the trick. Explain that this child roams the neighborhood at all hours and is destructive and enters homes, etc. Tell them that you are “worried for his safety”. I do believe that most calls have to be checked out and who knows what they may discover. Because it is not happening to me, I guess I feel sorry for the kid…very few people are born bad. He may be doing it for some kind of attention. Some kids need even negative attention. If you can muster up any grace for him, remember he is probably a just a child looking for some love. (But as I said, I am not the one dealing with him!)

    Reply
  13. Sarah Rose

    I’m late to the party here, but I just wanted to add my congratulations. Although as a girl who has done her share of self-defence classes I’m a little disappointed he ran away rather than, say, curling up into a ball and puking from the testicular agony 😉

    Reply
  14. I am just reading this from clicking over from your “nippy” post and I think that kid is lucky that ALL you did was kick him in the crotch. I mean, there are many places where walking into someone’s house would get them — in worse situations. Although, I cannot type a comment without wagging my finger at you two. Why are you leaving your door unlocked? Wait, I don’t care . . . any thing you say will just sound like a lame excuse to me — DON’T LEAVE YOUR DOOR UNLOCKED!!

    Reply

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