choose your friends wisely

Remember in junior high when your science teacher made you tack open the stomach of a frog so you could poke and prod at insides with a rusty scalpel? (Who trusts a bunch of kids with raging hormones in the midst of puberty with a weapon anyway? Doesn’t seem very smart.) Most people didn’t mind, but I was one of the kids who stood in the corner clutching my Lisa Frank pencil box instead, because… animal rights, hello?  I wouldn’t touch that frog with a ten-foot-pole. My parents were so proud of me taking such a strong stance for my beliefs even though they thought I was overreacting. They took me out to dinner and bought a cake with pink lettering boldly stating  “we’re so proud of you.” Guys, I really didn’t give a flying fuck about that frog. I just thought it was disgusting. Thanks for the cake though, mom.

kermitdissection

Later the same year another teacher had their class dissect a fish. My friends regaled me with tales of how crunchy the eyeballs were when stabbed and how the female fish had eggs spill out when cut open. I was appalled. Disgusted. But nothing was more mortifying than when they told me that one of the boys in their class kept a bag of fish guts to put into someone’s food at lunch. Poor Evan… he never had a chance when he bit into that sandwich. I guess that’s what he gets for picking friends that were certifiable pricks.

Choose your friends wisely. Don’t stick yourself with people who will think it’s funny to stash rotting guts into your egg salad or blow snot into your diet Coke. Life is too short to be friends with assholes. 

kermijail

Also – kids are assholes. 

94 Comments

  1. I have no discernible memories of cutting anything open in class but I know that my son will now have to complete a ‘wet lab’ as part of his high school course requirement. I’m not really sure what that is but I’m thinking ‘frog guts, here we come!’ Things are getting real in more ways than one!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh jeez, hopefully he has a stronger stomach than me lol. I’ve never heard of it referred to as a ‘wet lab’ before. Interesting. Make sure he checks his food before he eats lol

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  2. YOU DID THIS IN JUNIOR HIGH? We started cutting shit open in High School. I remember VIVIDLY in biology in grade 11 we had to cut open a fucking pig. And it was so little and HAIRY and I couldn’t. I’d sooner fail high school than cut open a fuzzy pig. STICK IT TO THE MAN.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      It was definitely 7th grade when we did the frog and fish. In high school we did a pig fetus and people could CHOOSE if they wanted to dissect a cat. A CAT. WHO WANTS TO DISSECT A CAT? So wrong.

      Reply
  3. Another favorite quote that goes along nicely with your warning is this one by William Gibson: “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.”

    Really, fish guts in a sandwich? That’s not even funny… Also, snot in Diet Coke is almost too horrible to even discuss.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      That’s a great quote. It really is perfect. Those things aren’t funny at all and really pretty traumatizing. Especially in junior high when life sucks already haha

      Reply
  4. That is funny as hell!!! lol I took one slit at the frog and threw up on the table and the frog. Then ended up in the medical field and routinely cut people and their parts up. But snot is not cool. Just not cool. lol

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh god, you threw up in the middle of it? Haha gross. See, I can’t do ANY guts. Human or animal. Gotta give you props for keeping your job… there’s no way I could handle that lol

      Reply
  5. I know a close acquaintance who put cat food in her friend’s sister’s tacos. They think it’s funny to this day. How I ever thought to befriend this person is beyond me. We aren’t friends now but see each other on a professional basis only getting along cordially and practically.

    It’s just wrong on so many levels to mess with people’s food & drink … Take Pill Cosby for instance.

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh god, that’s not funny at all. I’m curious if she noticed it when she ate it or had no idea. My cats eat beef wet food sometimes and it’s scarily similar to the kind we’d eat. Pill Cosby. What a sick man.

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  6. OK so remember my recent reluctant pus (EW) reference? Well snot-coke (EW!) is snot on my list of OK to talk about either…EW! But what I find most interesting is everyone so far except for Oleander (Go, Oleander!) focused on all your disgusting props and skipped the point. Bad friends are bad! Love the Kermit meme at the end!

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Bad friends ARE bad, right? Haha. Kermit fit into this post so well, which is strange, because I hated him growing up lol

      Reply
  7. Blair, what we know as adults is the kind of person who would do this to someone else, will do it to you in a heartbeat. I had a colleague who went to dinner with a small group including his new boss, who ragged on everyone not present, even a dinner companion who went to the restroom was ripped. My friend said later to me, “I was too scared to go to the restroom, as she would have started in on me.” Keith

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh, you’re definitely right about that. Luckily, it wasn’t someone I was friends with who did the crime. I don’t blame your friend for being afraid to leave. Who knows what she would have said!

      Reply
  8. Nkiru

    I try so hard not to associate myself with nad people but it’s so hard when you don’t have any other ‘good people’ in your school. I guess by trying I’ll get there one day.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I wouldn’t feel bad about cutting open cockroaches. That’s for sure lol. You’re lucky! Some people in my high school dissected a CAT. 🙁 Sad.

      Reply
      1. I dissected a cat in college through the human anatomy & physiology course. I didn’t like it for many reasons but had to complete the course as a prerequisite for nursing school.

        We dissected worms and frogs in 7th grade. I didn’t like that either … Frog was worse than the worm. The AP students in 10th grade dissected pigs … I know I wouldn’t have liked that!

        I think the only thing that should be dissected are mean ex-spouses! And mean ex-
        bosses! LOL! Just kidding … My heart is so soft that would bother me too.

        Maybe the dissection of Zika mosquitoes wouldn’t “bug” me! 😉

        Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      We had the same exact dissection choices. In the ceiling tiles??? I can only imagine the stink if they were left there forgotten. Gross.

      Reply
  9. We had to disect a cows heart when we were in high school I was mortified and refused to do it. To be fair a couple of us were allowed to sit it out in the corridor. I remember watching American tv programmes when I was a kid worrying I’d have to dissect a frog like they did,particularly because we always had frogs in our pond and really loved them. x

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      I could see how that would be traumatizing. Glad you didn’t have to endure the frog! It was pretty sad for me. Happy I was able to sit out

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  10. We had the choice to do the dissection or not. Thankfully my lab-partner loved me, and since he was 2 years older and had already done this once before, he did our report for us haha! I sat outside in the hall with 2 other girls who also had really sensitive stomachs. The smell was SO NASTY!

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    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      The smell is so strong! It’s one I’ll never forget. So disgusting. Glad you could sit out. We had to fight with the principal to sit it out and not get a failing grade. Totally unfair

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  11. Also, because I knew the girls on the other side of our table were squeamish, I picked up my pig and did the “Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him, Horatio” speach… Heh, heh, heh. Okay, so Sr. Veronica yelled at me. Totally Worth It.

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  12. jan

    I had an even sicker biology teacher! We had to go to the local park and pull ducks who’d drowned from the storm drains, take them back to class and stuff them – he was a taxidermist! But then my father was a hunter so he thought it was cool. (well not cool – he would have never used that term) Glad no frogs were injured in the making of this blog.

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Noooooooooooooo. That’s not okay. I would have been seriously traumatized by that! lol. Wow. Didn’t know you could do things like that in a school. *looks around nervously*

      Reply
  13. My class memories from that time of life consist of blowing the loudest fart ever produced and consequently being sent out to the hall by the teacher, presumably so that I would be forced to live with my own stink. The echo out in an empty junior high hall is spectacular.

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  14. I did my dissections without complaining, with one exception: the worm. I hated worms, mainly because my older sister would make me help her dig worms for fishing, which I despised. I have since gotten over my dislike of both worms and fishing.

    The sentiment remains the same, though; I’ve had to quit a few people cold turkey.

    Reply
  15. Most of my friends were pretty cool. Back in the day a weapon was not used by others because we didn’t have an onslaught of murder movies and programs teaching us how to use these tools the way we have the last 50 years or so now.

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  16. In addition to hiding the various organs in people’s desks and backpacks, we also played FrankenDoctor and switched the heads and other various body parts around. Oh, and shorted out the table electricity with a set of keys, and broke the preserved fetal pig-in-a-jar. (The latter was NOT my fault, and we had to evacuate. Other evacuations may or may not have been indirectly related to something I may or may not have suggested somebody do. From here I plead the 5th.)

    Reply
    1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep) Author

      Oh wow, you were quite the rebel in school haha. I was like an awkward shy kid. I probably would have been nervous around you!

      Reply
  17. So I just asked my son about this…he had the 6″ grasshoppers too. “Oh yeah, you know how you have to pin them down? I was trying to stretch mine out to reach the other pin and it kind of broke in the middle and exploded.” Grasshopper guts everywhere like some macabre pinata….

    Reply
  18. Didn’t have a lot of friends at school… we were united for one glorious moment when offered the chance to dissect a frog… mass walk out… although to be fair, we hated the teacher as she had bad breath and a moustache

    Reply

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