help yourself to some tasty poop water

I live on a cul-de-sac in one of the top 5 safest towns in America. Seriously. People are happy here with their pedigree dogs and their perfect families. Everybody waves. Everybody’s polite. It’s  goddamn sickening, guys, and completely unnatural. But everyone deals with neighbors that need to be slapped upside the head once in awhile. Even here in Perfectville, USA.

I’ve had an ongoing issue with one of the neighborhood kids. Now, you don’t need much introduction to this kid, except that he lives across the cul-de-sac and he specializes in being strange and an asshole. Good times. I know that sounds harsh, but really…. all kids are strange as hell. Yes, even yours. This kid will do whatever the hell he wants and has parents who are never home to correct the behavior. He climbs over our fence and tramples on our garden. He’s opened and walked right into our front door. He’s even taken our mail from the box before. It’s insanity.  I, and many other neighbors, have talked to him and his parents multiple times but nothing ever comes of it.Awhile ago I spoke to him again about staying out of our yard, especially if the gate is locked. But… he didn’t listen. Again.


So I came up with a master plan to get him back. Which required me asking one of my other neighbors if I could have his dog’s poop. (Yes, it was awkward. Yes, he probably thought I was crazy and questioned whether this town is safe anymore.) I lined up the poop by the fence where the kid lands and hosed it down with water. You know… to soften it up nicely for impact. So thoughtful of me, right? Then… I sat there excitedly eating chips and waited all day staring out my window. It was worth it. Just to see the look on the kids face when he fell into a puddle of murky shit water with bugs floating all around. He hasn’t jumped our fence in months.

Blair: 1 Neighbor Boy: 0

Sometimes you’ve gotta fight fire with fire.

(Disclaimer – No, this kid doesn’t have any disabilities besides being a jerk, so don’t worry. And, yes, I could have been an adult and not stooped to his level, but where the hell is the fun in that?)


  1. I’m really glad my kids aren’t weird in that particular way, because I would hate to clean THAT out of the carpets. 😀 Also, my husband and I tried to build a composting toilet for our dog’s poop, but it kind of didn’t work, so there’s a big pile of poop next to it if you ever need to borrow any more. Sounds like you won’t, though!

  2. First and foremost, specializing in being an asshole….. (I am chuckling inwardly quite hard, so hard that I cannot formulate a response)
    Second of all….I would have set up a video camera. Not to capitalize on this is a YouTube sense, but just so I could replay it..over and over and over and over again.

      1. Well, I’ve long missed not having any greenery around, so by stretching my budget to the maximum last November, I managed to buy two tiny cactus plants from a local variety store. In the months since, I’ve demonstrated a hitherto undreamed of mastery of advanced horticultural by not killing them stone dead.

          1. It’s not easy, but I just seem to have a gift for it. I’ve managed to kill just about every house plant I’ve ever looked after, although it has admittedly been a long time since I’ve kept any. I guess I just got sick of the senseless carnage, and so it has taken me a couple of decades to pluck up the courage to try again.

  3. thetinfoilhatsociety

    You should know that taking mail out of the mail box is a FEDERAL crime. As in the FBI come to your door. Perhaps you should call 911 the next time he takes mail from your (or any of your neighbors’) box.

    Wow, a budding criminal right across the street. Imagine what he’s going to be like in a few years. You won’t be safe any more. And neither will your house and its contents.

  4. You are a bad girl but I would have done something similar. We once plotted to put fire ants in the bluebonnets in OUR street to stop strangers sitting their fat asses in our precious bluebonnets that died.

  5. Wow… Now see, having two kids under five, I *tend* to see the parents’ point of view. As in, sometimes your kids act up at the grocery store and it’s mortifying for us too so know we’re doing the best we can. Or, kids need to take planes sometimes too and sometimes they scream and we can’t always stop them…

    That being said, this kid sounds totally out of control. If they’re old enough to hop the fence, they’re old enough to know better. If the parents are unaware and aren’t stopping this, it’s out of line.

    Poor water is an interesting tactic. Hopefully it worked.

  6. That was a very creative idea. And actually “Earth friendly” too. Nice, the police didn’t have to be involved — sometimes that’s so over the top. Starting a rap sheet this early is only going to traject him into professional criminality even earlier! Hopefully he doesn’t go down THAT road or jump over THAT fence!

    The poop at worst grossed him out and his mom (or dad) (or foster parents) (or bridge trolls) (owners) (or whoever cares for him) probably scolded him for exploring so much and having poopy shoes … but hey, they are his guardians who once dealt with his poopy diapers, so this shouldn’t be too much to deal with — they survived that, so they can survive this. Plus, it will probably keep him from out of more trouble — trouble that YOU and his guardians aren’t even aware of!

    Hopefully this little, disobedient, defiant child can learn from this and connect the dots and stop violating mailboxes, etc. Who knows? Good luck! 🙂

  7. Classic!!! You the best! I wish I could see the face of the guy you asked for dog poo from AND the face of that nasty brat kid! You are becoming my spirit animal more and more each post!

  8. I never considered nature’s land mines before; thanks for the idea!

    My worst neighbor kid experience was on Christmas day three years ago: they each got a four wheeler and raced them around their house . . . until one of them hit our house at full speed.

  9. As a mother of 2 boys, I definitely laughed my ass off. I’m all about consequences to your actions and if either one of them ever hopped someone’s fence – repeatedly – then they’d totally deserve a poo bath! I’d hose ’em down in the yard with dish soap to make it extra embarrassing. 😀

  10. What a delightfully creative solution. live in a cuol-de-sac but fortunately we have never had this kind of a problem – touch wood !
    BTW, I hopped over from Jacquie’s party for a visit. Nice to meet you.

  11. Totally awesome. I’ve been trying to keep the neighborhood feral cats out of my back yard but my own dog’s poop doesn’t scare them away as they can climb fences quite handily, little bastards. (And of course my dog loves her some kitty roca. Sigh.)

  12. At (almost) voluntary work we spend a lot of our time with children who have behavioural problems, but occasionally we do encounter one that is nothing more than a little shit. His father was a very nice man but a completely useless father figure. More shockingly, we discovered he was a teacher, albeit in a private (that’s fee paying in UK) school. The dad, not the little shit.
    Nice work Blair.

  13. He deserved it and you get a big KUDOS to you for thinking outside the box! I have custody of my ADHD (among other issues) 7 yr old grandson – and he is a handful! I’m not a spring chicken anymore (boo hoo) but was raised with a quick-wit. We have had to think outside the box to help him learn good morals. It works – great job!


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