thanks for that, mom

You know how parents are ultra embarrassing when you’re growing up? Maybe it’s their undying love of Birkenstocks, or when they try to say trendy things like “that’s cray” and “chillax” or even how they clip their toenails onto their plate after they finish eating. Well, at the ripe age of 28, I’ve come to the realization that this embarrassment never ends. It just evolves into something different.

palmspringspoolsign

(picture taken in Palm Springs, CA this past summer)

Mom: Blair, did you see this sign? Maybe you shouldn’t swim today.

Me: Uh… I’m fine, mom. No diarrhea here.

Mom: But, I saw you rush to the bathroom when I was getting water in the middle of the night. I just assumed it was urgent. Is everything working okay down there? Have you seen a doctor lately? Diarrhea can make you dehydrated. Make sure you drink more water today.

Me: Thanks, mom. I’m good. Just a routine visit in the night.

Mom: Do you remember that time you pooped in the bath tub when you were with your sister? I can think of a couple times you went in the water when you were little. I don’t know what it was… but, you liked to let loose once you hit water. I think it relaxed you. It was so weird.

What’s more humiliating: my mom deciding to loudly discuss my issues in public, or the woman who was frantically pulling her kids out of the water while they were crying, thinking there was actually a possibility I would crap in there? Thanks for the vote of confidence, lady. I’m almost 30.

0 Comments

  1. GAH!! I just watched The Middle last night and the episode was about how embarrassing parents can be and it Never.Stops. No matter how old our parents are, they feel the need to parent. Loudly. My mom always reminds me to say “thank you”. Uh…I am 3-fucking-2, Ma. I think I know that I need to say my “pleases” and “thank you’s”. My mom is an “over-thanker” and thinks everyone else should be too. *sigh*

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  2. My mom and I would go to the movies together now and then when I was a teenager, and if I had to say something to her during the film I would lean over and whisper it as quietly as possible into her ear. She would unfailingly respond facing straight forward at full voice. Dying time, so embarrassed…

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    1. Haha, oh no. My father-in-law is a huge movie buff and always asks my husband to go with him to the theater. He hates going because of a similar situation to yours. It’s hilarious. Loud movie talkers are funny — especially when it suddenly gets super quiet and they are all you can hear. Mortifying!

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  3. When I got divorced, many years ago, my parents felt sorry for me. So they invited me on an endless round of visits to stately homes, old people’s tea parties – whatever they were doing I got included in. Which was nice, except my mother kept saying to every waitress, acquaintance or whatever, This is my daughter. She used to be married to an artist but now she’s DIVORCED.

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  4. it doesn’t end. i’m 38. my mom still buys me clothes, which is nice. but when it doesn’t fit, it’s a ten-minute bask “of course i should’ve gotten a bigger size.” [insert more references to weight mismanagement here]. in other news, i enjoyed your post! thank you!

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  5. They is aweful worried about diarrhea but none of the other thousand things that could cause issues… many created from that same area of the body. Did I miss the medical alert that was issued stating that diarrhea has moved to the top of the medical concern list? (Very funny story!)

    Bubba
    http://www.redneckhunt.com

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  6. Lol! I’m a mother now. It’s my job to be embarrassing ( that’s what I tell my 11 yr old son anyway!) don’t forget that as you get older your hearing and eyesight goes, sometimes you don’t even know you are talking loudly……..

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  7. I think it’s a great idea for you mother to broadcast the history of your bowel movements to the nation. Then as a follow-up perhaps she can solicit the opinions of passers-by as to your possible diarrhea issues.

    I am, of course, being ironic. The truth is I’d have been mortified in the same situation. I’m impressed you didn’t run off screaming. 🙂

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  8. I still enjoy embarrassing my kids in public. They are 31 and 34 now. I consider it payback for all the hell they put us through when they were teenagers. Unfortunately, as some point, I’m going to have to start being nice as they will be the ones who chose my nursing home. 🙂

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  9. That’s funny ! I remember in college when anyone’s parents would visit the kids in dorms and the person asking the 20 neighbors on left and right not to talk loudly, no smoking, no drinking, no swearing for those couple of hours.

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