curious case of the sleep farts

Marriage is awesome. Not only do you get to share everything in your life with someone, cook for them, and clean up after them. It also gives you the chance to come to terms with things that embarrass the hell out of you. Like the smell you leave behind in the bathroom after your morning cup of coffee, or the daunting idea that someone besides your mother will know you have hair that grows above your lip that you have to wax. Or, in my case — having the sleep farts.

funny-love-couples-farts

I don’t know if having relaxed muscles and letting wind escape in the middle of the night is common or not, but imagine the horror I felt when I came to the realization it was uncontrollable. There was no more running to the bathroom and pulling my butt cheeks apart to let them silently escape and I could only blame the random noises in the middle of the night on our cat so many times.  I was all in. I was married. I had to own up to it, and get over it. Man, the first year of marriage was interesting. I’ve become a lot more comfortable about the weird things I do in private since then. Obviously.

Another perk of being married: I’ve been able to try different careers out without any training. I’ve been a masseuse. A chef. And,most commonly — a barber. Would you trust me with scissors around your hair? You probably shouldn’t. One time, I cut a huge chunk off the top of Alex’s hair, which forced him to wear a hat for a month. But, he forgave me, and here I am… still holding the title of the resident barber. Bless his heart.

On a serious note: Find the person that treats you right and makes you happy. Don’t let go. Whether you want to get married or not… there’s no greater feeling than being blindly in love.

0 Comments

  1. Haha. My wife took a few shots at cutting my hair… and she learned how imatient I am! Good for your husband, though… you can save a lot of money if you’re ok being embarrassed…which it seems you are growing into as a nightfarter, eh?

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    1. Hahaha. My husband works from home, so he figures the shoddy haircuts aren’t too bad to deal with. Pretty sure he would have replaced me by now if he had somewhere important to be. I’m okay with being embarrassed. As I get older, I’m learning you just gotta embrace your weirdness.

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  2. Haha! I’d actually forgotten there was a time when my wife and I cared about stuff like that. There’s not point being embarrassed. If you love someone you accept it. It’s just the way our bodies are built. My wife also snores like someone drilling a road with a jackhammer. She says I do the same and I believe her. Thank goodness for ear plugs.

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      1. Hahaha! I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years. In the beginning, I would hold farts in until I was in pain. I would frequently have to “go out to my car to get something.” Now? I let them fly freely. He started first. Fair’s fair.

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  3. I am my hubs barber, too. I have often cut his ear while shaving those peculiar ear hairs that grow long and unruly all over those bumps that protrude out from the side of his gorgeous head. Ear hairs are so weird.

    Cut on, dear woman, cut on!!!!

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  4. I’ve been married for coming up on 28 years. After being married for this many years, trust me, I’ve seen, smelled and heard it all. We try to respect each other’s privacy in the bathroom, but if I need to pee and he’s in the shower, all bets are off! As for farting in bed, yes I admit I fart in my sleep too. But my loving husband will grace me with a really obnoxious fart in bed, then giggle uncontrollably at his own fart. He’s always been 12 at heart! But I get my revenge vicariously when our Tortie cat gets up on him for petting and farts in his face!!
    P.S. I cut my husband’s hair too. No complaints except sometimes I get one side shorter than the other!

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  5. Ealachan

    My husband has me trim his beard for him periodically. He stands there the whole time staring off into the distance with a look of mild horror on his face even though a) it was HIS idea to begin with and b) I’ve never done anything worse than once accidentally relieving him of his sideburns. And I mean, it’s not like sideburns are hard to grow back or you look funny without them, you know? It’s not like I Hitler-mustached him!

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    1. Love the post. Wonder if I sleep fart – since he snores like a wart-hog, I doubt it matters? Our elderly cats do fart but we have gone past the stage of blaming anyone other than the actual perp. 🙂 I cut his hair once, 32 years ago, never again…

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  6. “There was no more running to the bathroom and pulling my butt cheeks apart to let them silently escape” … I have always wondered about that apparent difference between the genders! I’m Krakatoa and she’s whisper quiet like a finely tuned BMW. You’ve solved one of life’s mysteries for me with a rather graphic and disturbing visual to boot. Who knew? Not us men. lol

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  7. In my case, after nearly 23 years of marriage there’s no hiding much of anything anymore! Good, bad, smelly, ugly -it puts “for better or for worse” in a new light. We rival each other in the fart category! And, as for barbers, I only cut my man’s hair once and he ended up with a huge bald patch so I had to shave his entire hair off. He’s never let me do it since!

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  8. Love this so much!! Cracked me up and oh so true!! I’m not married but I live with my boyfriend and the day the “sleep farts” was realized is still etched in my brain. Lol. I totally know what you mean! I feel like I use so much of my barber skills and chef skills at home I should be able to put them on a resume!

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  9. Jen

    Hahaha yes! No more holding in the farts! I’ve been with my husband for 16 years. Married for 9 so I stopped caring long ago about holding those suckers in! I’m not getting a stomach ache for him! 😜

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  10. deadbeatmom

    I’m sure I’ve commented on marriage and farting before but don’t think it was here. When you have kids and your husband is in the delivery room, farting–in your sleep or otherwise– seems like a rather polite thing to do by comparison.

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      1. deadbeatmom

        Yup. Pretty much! The good thing is you don’t give a crap because you’re working so hard to push out a bowling ball! I’m kind of nostalgic for the 60s when they’d knock you out cold and you’d wake up with a baby in your arms (though I suspect forcep use would have put you in extreme pain) and a cigarette in your mouth

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  11. I don’t really understand. I can go all day and (probably) don’t fart at all, but let me lay down, and I suddenly develop a leaky valve. About every fifteen seconds, it’s phtt, phtt, phtt. The Squire doesn’t fart; he belches. All night long. I guess opposites really do attract.

    Reply

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