adventures in awkward

Since I’ve started writing a novel, I feel like my mind is in a constant state of playing everything out. There’s a movie on loop playing in my head. I’m always thinking about what could happen, or what my characters are doing, and I’m pretty sure it’s driving me to the brink of insanity. Which sounds kind of thrilling, but it’s actually pretty terrifying when you can’t concentrate on anything else. It’s starting to seep into my dreams at night, too, and since my novel is a murder mystery/teen sleuth, this isn’t bringing along dreams of playful puppies tumbling down a field of wildflowers and kittens cuddling underneath a Skittles rainbow. My dreams are more in the realm of brutal slayings, the decapitation of pedophiles, and throwing a stabby porcupine at an unsuspecting stranger’s face. Anybody up for some free acupuncture? It’s an intense way to wake up every morning. Which leads me to a question Alex and I discussed at length yesterday:

If the person you love most in this world (spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/sister/best friend/whatever) killed a pedophile instead of reporting it to police, would you flee the country/hide with them or turn them in? The pedophile wasn’t attacking anyone, or doing anything at the time your person found out so it wasn’t self defense, they were just angry and wanted to end him for being a sick fuck. Are you turning them in because you want nothing to do with it? Or do you love them to the point you are willing to give up your life to protect them and live on the run? I’m curious what your answers are, because Alex and I had opposing ones. Dun dun dun…

Also, how do you not become so consumed by what you’re writing about? Is this normal? I’m assuming this is why most creative artists are the depressive type. Pretty soon I’m going to be shaving my head and chanting around a bonfire in my backyard wearing nothing but nipple tassels and a baby diaper. Okay, probably not, but you see where I’m going.

adventures in awkward

When I was growing up I was sure I’d never marry. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, but because I was slightly overweight, thought the Disney channel shows meant for 12-year-olds were cool even in my late teens, and Kimmy Gibbler was, in my eyes, the best fashion icon of the next decade. Why weren’t boys into all of that? I’ll never know.  I labeled myself as undesirable. Which was a pretty shitty feeling to have when all the other kids in high school were groping each other at their lockers and talking about bumping uglies during their lunch period. I’m not gonna lie –  it’s hard to go through your awkward years feeling like nobody will ever want you like the rest of your peers. I had resigned to the fact that I didn’t deserve love, and I was actually at a point where I was okay with that. I’d be fine alone. I’d hoped. When Alex and I started dating I thought God was fucking with me. I was pretty sure he was just trying to pull off the cruelest prank imaginable to pay me back for all the times I cursed his name or wanted to punch a stranger in the face for no reason.

Have you ever heard that corny line, ‘find someone who makes you want to be a better person/version of yourself?‘ I always thought that line was such bullshit until it happened to me. Alex does this for me. I don’t think the man has ever had a negative/judgmental thought about anyone on the planet. Even when it’s just the two of us together. I never thought I deserved a man who would be thoughtful enough to jump up and do the dishes every night after I cook so I don’t have to. Or scoop the litter boxes for cats that I had to have, even though he’s a dog lover. A man that loves me when I’m losing weight, gaining weight, crying because my hormones are making me even crazier than I truly am, or when I’m dancing and serenading the cats in the most embarrassing way possible. A man that supports me and truly believes I can accomplish my goal of being a successful writer someday. Or someone who would, without repayment or acknowledgment, help a stranger on the street regardless of who or where they were and what he had to do in order to help. (Listing these is making me cry, so I’m going to stop here!)

I don’t know what I did to deserve Alex, but I honestly wake up every morning feeling like the luckiest woman alive. Everyone deserves an Alex. I hope you all find one, because everyone deserves a love like his.

Today is his birthday, which spawned this overly sappy/corny post that I don’t usually do. Happy Birthday, Alex! Thanks for making a socially awkward, undesirable nerd feel so loved.

 

adventures in awkward

When I was a teenager my best friend and I used to spend hours sitting at the mall watching people. Usually we would catch the occasional nose picker or someone with a wedgie so deep up their crack we worried about impending paralysis, but normally it was just boring. Not to mention the fact that people didn’t enjoy that we were staring at them and being asshole judgmental teens. Oh well. What else were we supposed to do when we were sitting there enjoying our soft pretzel with melty cheese? Be nice? Psht. (Mmm Auntie Anne’s. Gotta find one of those around here sometime.)

I’ve been thinking about reprising my role of people watching, though, because the past few days I’ve overheard two very strange conversations in public:

When I was walking a paved path at a community park on Tuesday, I heard a woman say, “It took me so long to find a private place to air out my vagina.What?! I have to know why this was a thing. Did she wet herself? Was she sweaty? Did she let out a sulfuric queef that was lingering? So many questions I need answered.

When I was standing in line at PetSmart yesterday, I heard a young girl say, “My dog accidentally licked my nipple when I was getting into the bath. I hope I don’t get pregnant with puppies. I’m not ready to be a mom.” Ah… the innocence of childhood. I thought this was cute for a little kid to say.

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve overheard before?

Also, Happy St. Patrick’s Day. Hope everyone enjoys being glued to the toilet and plagued with green poop all day tomorrow from all the food dye.

(This picture has zero to do with my post, but… as I was looking for St. Paddy’s/Irish pictures it came up. I couldn’t stop laughing. I didn’t even see her at first! I’m only like 5% Irish, but I suffer from the same pastey white affliction.)

adventures in awkward

Random-As-Shit Thursday Thoughts

1. I’ve come to the conclusion the last few days that I’m a terrible person. Not that I’m on the level of pushing bratty little kids down the stairs or rubbing my naked ass all over the neighbor’s cars after a recent trip to the bathroom, but I’m up there. I’ve propelled into the early stages of ‘grumpy old woman’ syndrome even though I’m barely 30. I had a conversation with Alex yesterday about how disappointed he was that he was unable to help his brother move this weekend due to wrist tendinitis. I mean, I figured he must’ve been promised an endless supply of pizza and beer or something… but he wasn’t. He was just looking forward to the act of helping someone who needed it. What? Is this normal? How do I get to be like this? The thought of helping somebody move their crap is on par with walking blindfolded into the middle of oncoming traffic for me. Why am I such a negative Nancy? Do normal people actually just enjoy doing whatever they have to in order to help someone without ever expecting them to return the favor, or is my husband just a saint?  I need some Jesus or something.

2. I’ve been hiding this past week because I’ve ventured into uncharted territory and, man… these rocky waves are making me seasick as hell. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to hack it. I started writing a book a few days ago. Now, this is something I’ve been putting off for a long time even though there’s been characters and scenes stuck in my head for almost a year. I was waiting for the right time and I think I’m finally ready for their story to be told. The only problem is that I already hate what I’ve written and want to restart. How do I get past the self criticism? Am I ever going to like the shit that I write? How do authors do it? I’m my own worst enemy.

(Is it sad I saw this sticky note on the box an instantly thought, ‘BUT BACON! What about bacon?’ Sorry about the shitty quality.)

3. People are making life insufferable lately. I can’t walk around Barnes and Noble without hearing people talk about anti-Islamic hate groups or go into my grocery store without being chastised about eating meat. A few days ago I spent a solid 30 minutes going through my Twitter feed, turning off some people’s re-tweets because all it is (literally 20 times in a row) is people complaining about Trump. (I love you guys, but you are killing me.) My ENTIRE feed was related to politics – the thing I try my hardest to avoid in life. We get it. Trump is a psychotic, orange, hateful mother fucker who may very well cause a new war. I like to live in a bubble though, when you have extreme anxiety it does wonders. (I know this is going to offend some people I follow on Twitter. It’s not personal – I love your blogs and want to see your tweets. I just turned off re-tweets. Yes, you are allowed to be pissed and angry over Trump. This is just self-preservation.)

adventures in awkward

Random-As-Shit Thursday Thoughts

1. I have a serious dislike for travel bloggers. They remind me of the people on Facebook who are constantly posting pictures of the things they do in their lives that make them seem so much more interesting and better than the ordinary schmoes like myself. “Here’s a photo of this quaint little cafe along the Rue de la Snooty in Paris. Everything is perfect here – even the way the sunlight reflects off my latte makes my tits look perkier!” It drives me insane. Especially the young ones. How in the world can young 20-year-olds afford to travel the world on a consistent basis and blog about it? HOW? Unless you’re one of ten people at that age that actually gets paid to do it. It makes no sense to me. Shouldn’t you people be working? Or in school? Or, you know, busy being poor? My 20’s sucked compared to them. (Also, I’m willing to admit this is 98% fueled by jealousy. I wish I had the means to constantly travel around further than my grocery store on a daily basis. I also love looking/reading about other countries. So, I really hate a love-hate-relationship with travel bloggers more than just a hate one..)


2. We are basically already in flip-flop weather here in North Carolina, so I’ve been trying to find home remedies to take care of my dry, crusty feet. They really are disgusting. I haven’t worn flip flops in at least two years because I’m afraid I’m going to scar a random child who catches a glimpse of them. This year we have beach trips planned so I figured I’d start now in getting these bad boys descaled. What is one of the cheapest/easiest recommendations I found? Castor oil. So, off to RiteAid I went.

Me: Hi, I’m looking for castor oil. You know, that stuff that pregnant women drink to induce labor? I read that it’s good for your skin, too, and I want to give it a whirl.

RiteAid Lady: Oh, sure! It’s over by the laxatives.

Me: Laxatives?

Lady: Yes, it’s commonly used to help with blockages.

Me: Women don’t poop out of their vaginas, though. I mean, I’ve only been alive for 30 years, but I’m pretty sure that’s right.

Lady: … No. No they don’t. There are definitely two holes down there.

Me: Three, actually. They don’t pee out of their vaginas, either. I don’t think you’re 30 yet, but some day you’ll know.

Lady: This is getting weird.

Poor woman didn’t know what she was getting into when she greeted me at the door. 


3. I was recently interviewed by a fellow blogger here on WordPress. If you want to take a gander, go visit it here 

Also, here’s the Random-Ass-Poll for this week! Remember, it’s anonymous!

adventures in awkward

I’m the nosiest person there is. Not on the level of setting up cameras in my neighbor’s showers or hacking into their baby cams or anything… but I always like to know people’s personal business. If the couple across the cul-de-sac are getting divorced, I need to know.  If their daughter just landed a promising new job in the adult industry – now that’s the juicy news I feed off of.  You can often find me peering behind my windows, stuffing my face with food and cloaked in darkness. I have issues.

So, I don’t normally do personal pictures because I’m ass at taking them. But, I stole an idea from Charlotte Graham and chronicled, in photos, my entire day this past Saturday. In case you wondered about all the exciting shit that goes on in my life – now you can have a first look. And believe me, it is exciting as hell. (By exciting I mean b o r i n g. I purposely chose a day where I had stuff planned because normally my day involves a lot of ass-to-couch action.)

Here’s my breakfast. I’m having a steamy love affair with celery and peanut butter right now. And, of course, my decaf coffee. Mmm.

Alex and I forced ourselves to go to the gym. It takes a LOT for me to leave the house to workout. I absolutely hate going, but when you have health/weight goals it’s really the only option. It sucks donkey penis. (Yes, I know, I’m so mature.)

After I got home and showered (be thankful you didn’t get a photo of that!) I stopped at Starbucks to get my second coffee. A decaf Americano with sugarfree mocha. It’s heavenly. Makes me want to give the barista a lap dance.

Strolled the grocery store for awhile. Here’s an exclusive look at the Kroger I shop at. Shocking, right? I shop at a store just like you! Who woulda thought?

I forgot to take a picture of my lunch, but it was homemade pimento cheese and a bunch of veggies in a low carb wrap. Yummy. After that, I walked on the treadmill for 40 minutes while I watched Planet Earth.

I was so tired that when I sat down on the computer to respond to comments, I ended up staring at Tora clean herself for a solid 30 minutes straight. She tends to take over my mouse pad every time I sit down, but how do I push away such a happy purry kitty? Sometimes I can’t bring myself to do it!

(After this I fell asleep for a solid two hours so I missed taking photos. Oops.)

We rarely go out to eat, but we deemed this past Saturday ‘date night.’ Went to my favorite burger place and got this amazing plate of keto/low carb awesomeness. It’s a burger with blue cheese, bacon, grilled onions, and garlic mayo on a lettuce wrap. With a side ‘create-your-own’ salad. It was so good.

After dinner, we saw the Lego Batman movie. Okay, we had some serious high hopes for this movie after all the great reviews. Totally disappointed. It didn’t help that the theater was so cold I couldn’t feel my face.

I finished the night off how I always do – crocheting in front of the TV. This is a baby blanket I’m working on for a little girl. I don’t know anyone who is pregnant or has a baby girl, but I loved the colors of the yarn so I went with.

So… there you go. Sorry my photos suck ass. All of the ones in public were one take. I always feel so awkward. Sorry for the super long post, as well! But it was pretty fun to chronicle what I did all day.

adventures in awkward

I’m having one of those days where I don’t feel like writing. Or talking. Or being awake and functioning at all. Depression… such a fickle bitch. Creeps up behind you when you least expect it and wraps its Voldemort-esque fingers around your neck and chokes you like a bad scene in one of those Fifty Shades of Grey movies. Except it’s a lot less pleasurable because at least the girl in that scenario is getting something fun out of it. Ya know? I’m forcing myself to write anyways, though, because isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? Slap a smile on, pretend everything is great, and that unicorns are frolicking around your backyard farting out cupcakes? Cupcakes actually sound pretty good right now.  I’m pretty sure if I could have any superpower, it would be farting out cupcakes.

I’m skipping my ‘Random-As-Shit Thursday Thoughts’ post for today. Maybe I’ll do it this weekend, or maybe not at all this week. Being in a funk makes me a risk-taking rebel. Who knows, maybe I’ll spring an extra shot of sugar-free syrup in my coffee later or eat more than half of a cookie for dessert. You never know what’s coming. I’m just so unpredictable.

Here’s my Random-Ass-Poll for the week. Yay! Answer honestly – It’s anonymous. I mean, I’m sure I could somehow hunt down your IP and figure out who voted what, but I can barely get my email to work, so no worries. Your secrets will stay hidden!

adventures in awkward

If you’ve been reading here awhile, I think I’ve made it pretty clear I like to ask and answer a lot of random-ass-questions. (Hence the weird polls I throw in sometimes at the end of my posts.) This is the internet, so I feel like it’s the best way to get to know each other. I mean, I’d rather take y’all out to lunch, buy some martinis, and ask everyone their most deepest personal thoughts on the newest Oreo flavor and do a contest of who can fit the most marshmallows in their mouth – but we don’t have that luxury. (The world deserves to know about your mouth capacity, though. So share if you know the answer.)

I was excited to be nominated for this ‘get to know you’ quiz by Fatty McCupcakes because the questions are totally random and not something you see every day. Go check her answers out – they are hilarious. 

So, here we go, friends:

1. Who are you named after? 

When my mom and dad bought their first house they hired a bunch of college kids to paint the outside for them. One of the guys, who my mom has told me numerous times when she recounts the story, was particularly hot. His name was Blair. She liked the name so much it was going to be my name whether I was a boy or girl. So, my mom named me after a sexy stranger. True story. Thanks, Mom!

2. Do you like your handwriting?

Not at all. I mean, I don’t have a serial-killer-slant or anything, but it’s pretty shitty for a 30-year-old. My husband always tells me it’s nice, but I figure he’s jaded by love so his opinion really doesn’t mean much.

3. What is your favorite lunch meat?

Does peanut butter and jelly with barbecue chips count? Those are the best sandwiches. I don’t really like lunch meat. *Gasp* I know, shocking! If I HAD to choose one, it would be turkey. A nice grilled cheese or pb & j sounds a lot yummier.

4. Longest relationship? 

Current one. We’ve only been married for 3 years and before that dated for barely one. So 4 years, even though that sounds super short. We’ve known each other since we were 12/13, though, so I feel like our relationship should count as 17. I’m a cheater.

5. Do you still have your tonsils?

Yes! I don’t think anyone in my family has had them removed. So, you’re looking at someone with Grade A throat genes. Consider yourself blessed.

6. Would you bungee jump? 

I’m way too much of a pussy to do anything that’s an unnecessary risk right now. Just being honest. I have some serious anxiety.

7. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

Hell no. That would include bending down. Way too much effort.

8. Favorite ice cream?

Okay, the majority of people won’t know what the hell this is… but the name of it is Hunka Chunka PB Fudge. It’s an ice cream you can only get at Friendly’s. So, if you live in the northeast of the US consider yourself lucky. A few years ago a grocery store here in NC started carrying their ice cream, but I have yet to see that flavor.  I had it for the first time last summer at a lone Friendly’s restaurant in Myrtle Beach – it was just as amazing as I remembered it. Mmm.

9. What is the first thing you notice about people?

If they are clean. That sounds so rude, but being hygienic in public is important to me. Greasy hair gives me the heebie jeebies. TAKE A SHOWER, PEOPLE!

10. Football or baseball? 

If I HAD to choose – football. The only one I really care about is college basketball, though. Go Syracuse! (Minus this year, because they suck donkey balls.)

11. What color pants are you wearing? 

Dark wash blue jeans.

12. Last thing you ate?

I haven’t had anything yet today, but last night I ate 10 walnuts before I went to sleep. Yes, I counted! TEN!

13. If you were a crayon what color would you be?

Poop brown.

14. Favorite smell?

Dunkin Donuts. Coffee mixed with pastries baking in the oven = best smell ever. Aromatherapy for me.

15. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?

My husband. He was calling on his way home from the gym to ask me if I wanted him to pick up something for dinner. He sure knows bringing me food is the way to my heart.

16. Hair color? 

Poop brown, yay! Boring, but still my favorite so I don’t bother dyeing it.

17. Eye color?

Poop brown. (Now are you understanding the crayon color choice?)

18. Favorite foods to eat?

Well, I want to say pizza, cupcakes, and bagels with cream cheese, but I don’t actually eat them anymore even though they are my favorites. My favorite thing to eat right now is celery and peanut butter. I crave it every day, and I eat it every day! I’m so lame.

19. Scary movies or happy endings? 

Happy endings! I don’t even watch scary movies. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. BRING ON THE CORNY DISNEY MOVIES!

20. Last movie you watched? 

Tangled – it was on TV last night. (See! 30 and still a child.)

21. Favorite holiday? 

Christmas. Alex and I just went through our basement and garage and I have over 6 boxes of Christmas decorations. SIX. It’s an addiction. I can’t imagine what it will be like when we actually have children. It’s going to look like Christmas threw up in our house.

22. Beer or wine? 

I don’t drink, but if I did – I’d choose wine

23. Night owl or early bird? 

Early bird! I’m lucky if I make it past 10 pm.

24. Favorite day of the week? 

All the days are the same for me but I guess I would choose Tuesdays because that’s when the new Dance Moms episodes are on. Feel free to judge me, it’s fine! It’s a terrible guilty pleasure I’ve had for the last 6-7 years. I can’t help it.

25: Which three of your favorite bloggers do you want to know more about? 

I want to know more about a lot of people – so I’m not going to nominate. I’d love to read everyone’s response. So, if you want to fill out the questions and post them, make sure you let me know in the comments so I can go read them.

 

guest posts

Today is the Lord’s day, so I thought it would a good time to refrain from writing, take some time off, and share a post about a 24 karat gold dildo. (This is the second time in a week dildos have been mentioned on my site. I think an intervention might be necessary. Send help.) The post is written by a fellow blogger, thesnarkandi and, well… I find her to be really damn funny. Read it. Enjoy it. Print it off and rub it all over your naked body. I won’t judge – we’re all friends here. 

Go visit her site and say hello : www.thesnarkandi.com

___________________________

“Readers, I have a confession to make. Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP newsletter has led me down a dark path. It has been a short hop to her gift guide.

I know that I have posted a similar piece before, but really, I just couldn’t help myself today.

The gift guide has become one of my main sources of levity, intellectual stimulation, and emotional sustenance. I laugh, I cry, it becomes a part of me. So, feeling a little blue today now that vacation is over and it is a cold, gray day, I took a peek at the last gift guide.

In what I am guessing is an effort to be more relatable, GP has added wonderful, practical gifts for those we love most, like the following.

space

WORLD VIEW EXPLORATION AT THE EDGE OF SPACE

“This two-part adventure begins in 2016 with a behind-the-scenes invitation to a World View test flight. The Miraval Resort in Tucson, Arizona, is home for three nights; spend your days with the flight’s chase and recovery team and tour Biosphere 2 with original crew member and World View CEO Jane Poynter. In 2017, you and five companions will experience 360° views of Earth as a high-altitude balloon lifts your luxury pressurized capsule 100,000 feet above our planet. $90,000.00”

I know what someone’s getting for Christmas this year!

Spaces are limited to a lucky ten people. I want to meet those 10 people, but more importantly, I NEED to meet the recipients. If someone is willing to spend 90 large to send you 100,000 feet in the air, you have to be a special kind of someone – and not necessarily in a good way.

Or………

mahjong

The Hermes Mah Jongh Set – $46,000  Is there any wonder as to why there is a waiting list?

Even by Gwynnie’s standards, those have to be major gifts, so if it’s stocking stuffers you need, look no further. Yes, GP has a section forNot So Basic Sex Toys.

For short money, Goop recommends the $395 Kiki de Montparnasse Droplet Necklace. “A discreet vibrating necklace that turns into nipple clamps,” the description says. Awesome. I love jewelry that multi-tasks.

I was contemplating the very affordable $20 anal beads when a particular item caught my eye. For that special someone (or yourself), you can get a 24-karat dildo $15,000.dildo

Since I feel that you can’t put a price on pleasure, I looked more closely and noticed two very important points.

  1. This item comes with discreet packaging. Well, one would hope so. My letter carrier is a very nice man, but I don’t want him coming to my door and saying, ” Here’s that solid gold dildo you’ve been waiting for!”
  2. It comes with a 10-year guarantee.

Personal note to GP – Honey, I don’t judge, but if you are worried that you might wear out a solid gold dildo in less than 10 years, something is amiss. What the hell are you doing with it? Gwynnie, talk to me, goose. I’m your girl and you can tell me. Really. Call me.

I’m also thinking that this is where that whole vaginal steam cleaning comes into play, but I could be wrong and one has nothing to do with the other. I may bring it up. I may not. I’ll just see what mood she’s in when she calls.”

___________________________

I don’t know about anyone else, but I think $46,000 for a game sounds like a good investment. I’m concerned about the vaginal steam cleaning, though. Is that a thing? Wouldn’t it burn? Or at the very least add some age to the area? Nobody needs early onset sagging. Tragic.

adventures in awkward

Random-As-Shit Thursday Thoughts

1.There was a woman at Target yesterday who had toilet paper stuck in her waist band by her butt. I thought it was embarrassing to advertise to a crowded store that she recently shat in store’s bathroom and was the cause of the ungodly odor seeping out onto the people waiting in the Starbucks line, so I took it upon myself to tell her. You know, trying to cash in my good deed for the day. Instead, she turned and looked at me and said, ‘That’s not funny! Those type of pranks are very immature for a woman your age.’ This chick thought I was the one who put the toilet paper in.her.pants. IN THEM. How the hell could I manage doing that without her feeling it? I’m a modern day Houdini. That’s what I get for trying to be kind. I responded with, ‘Don’t be embarrassed, lady. Everybody poops!’ …. Didn’t her parents teach her that?

2. I saw this on the front page of Yahoo the other day. I mean, is this really news-worthy? ‘Adult knows how to feed himself?’ Congratu-fucking-lations! You’ve done what 75% of the population does. Making your own food? How inspiring! How brave! I understand a lot of people who work get lunch out, but surely there’s a time when everyone has gone at least three days making their own food, right? Especially in the poor college years. I eat at home every meal besides maybe one a week, so I’m expecting a feature on the front page of Yahoo any day now. If you’re a journalist, hit me up. It will be a top article. I promise. Everyone else – keep your eyes peeled for my grand debut.

3. Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and suddenly have a light bulb go off? Like, your mind has a moment of clarity and everything in your world just seems to make sense all of a sudden. I had this last night. I woke up out of a dead sleep and realized something amazing – The french fry brand ‘OreIda’ is Oregon and Idaho mashed together. Did you know that? Genius. Pure genius. Why was I thinking about french fries at 3 am? Who knows. I don’t even like the damn things. Apparently it was an important mystery my subconscious needed to solve.

Random-Ass-Poll for a Random-Ass-Thursday